To think that the golden child is just the one that's not a pain in the bum?

[crinklegiraffe]

I have a sister one year younger than me and she refers to herself as the black sheep and me the golden child.
In reality she was a defiant little brat growing up who did nothing she was told and was always in trouble I think the polite word was spirited and I wasn't like that.
I got fed up with always having to tidy our room because she refused and tidying up after myself while she refused point blank to do anything.

I wasn't overly good, I just wasn't deliberately rude and disrespectful and as a result have a close relationship with my parents while my sister who has a chip on her shoulder has cut me and our parents off believing they were toxic and I was their favourite.
I think I was probably just easier rather than favourite where she was hard work but equally loved.

A reverse for me , sister is the rude obnoxious child but is also the Golden child .

Nope. I think the golden child is the one whose personalities and lifestyles match the most with that parent.

In my family I’m actually quite reserved, head screwed on and they tend to come to me when things go wrong. But my sister and my mum both have firey personalities - are both as bonkers as eachother but get on so are much closer and she has also got the perks.

I think I'm quite lucky in that I don't think my parents have a favourite between me and my sister, she's much more successful than me, uni graduate, very good job etc. I have neither of those things. But my parents have always made sure to treat us equally.

I have 4 kids and they all independently think they're my favourite so hopefully that means none of them feel like the scapegoat!

What is our relationship like with your parents and siblings now?

in my extended family the golden child was the helpless one who didn’t know how to do life, never had a proper job and was expecting everyone to support them and make their life easy. The child that just got on with things and didn’t want anything from anyone was the black sheep/ the forgotten one.

It was the opposite in my case. The golden child who could do no wrong was because my parents couldn't cope with her tantrums so appeased her to keep her content. I was the good girl and got bullied by her. I was basically told to stfu so as not to provoke her.

I think it’s different in every family. I’m an only, but the first golden child in DH’s family is his older brother, who’s completely self-centered. He’s not nasty, he just doesn’t care about anyone except himself and his wife to some extent. He loves his parents but he never considers their feelings and never does anything for them.

The second golden child is DH’s younger sister, who’s the baby of the family. His parents do a ridiculous amount for her, especially given that they’re in their 80’s. She does care about them though.

DH and his older sister are loved but definitely the second tier children. They laugh about it, tbh, as they can see that it’s not good for their siblings to be treated like this.

Hahahahaha.

When I was a teenager, I babysat for one family where there was a clear golden child and black sheep. The golden child was an absolute little shit. He was mummy’s little prince and he was a nasty piece of work. The black sheep - his older sister - was a very sweet and polite girl.

Not sure if the boy became a prick because he was never told no and utterly spoilt, or if he was always that way – and vice versa, not sure if the girl was trained to be impeccably polite by the constant harsh criticism over nothing. But the favoritism was chronic and obvious.

Narcissistic parents will often favour a child that mirrors themselves whether this is their characteristics, aspirations or their perceived beauty. It’s extremely toxic, even for the golden child.

The golden child is never able to fullly grow into themselves, or develop their own identity - thus they are held on a pedestal they didn’t choose, in a family that expect conformity, and can never fully grow into themselves.

It is infinitely better as children become older to be the sheep in this scenario, thet will at least be able to develop their own colours and grow into a full human being of their choosing. The golden child never really escapes the clutches of the narcissist parent..

It's not always the case.

Sometimes (eg in my case - I was the golden one and hated it) it's the younger child that can do no wrong. Or its the favoured sex. Or (I've seen this one first hand) it's the child that was born that 'cured' the post natal depression from the previous child.

Sure, sometimes it will be the easiest child. But that's not the only possible reason for it.

Disagree.

My partner is the golden child, his brother very much not. My partner was only the easier child because he was the younger of the two, who got more support and attention from the word go - BiL was more difficult because he didnt get that support. They have very different views of their parents because they were treated differently.. My partner sees this now since I helped lay it out for him - he has no choice but to accept it due to it actually being astoundingly obvious to an onlooker, right down to partner getting needed medical attention as a child whereas his brother would not. His brother had very different parents to what he had, even though they were the same people.

My partner theorises that he became the golden child because he cried less as a little baby, BiL was a difficult baby, and MiL has admitted to all this as well as adding she didn't bond with BiL properly due to it, whereas bonded with partner as a baby immediately.

Obviously not brothers fault. Seemed to set the dynamic in stone, though.

Things are slightly better now they're adults - as soon as BiL went his own way he got more support from others and is as lovely as my partner as a person. Unfortunately, the golden child label and dynamic has stuck for parents... Thankfully my partner is beautifully coming into his own and shaking the golden child label for himself. It did cause him struggles too.

Partner and BiL are now accepting of the situation and very close. Tbf BiL never blamed partner, although apparently admitted he was jealous that partner got so much love from the start and he didn't.

Most parents raising their children in such a toxic way haven’t got the awareness, emotional intelligence or motivation to change or challenge the dynamics they themselves have created, so they are often ‘set in stone’ as pp said, I have never seen it change in the fifty years I have been observing and working with these dynamics.

The family structure is built entirely on the assigned roles given at birth. Regardless of how each child develops, the roles seem to remain the same.

I have two now adult DD’s. As teenagers they were both convinced that the other one was the golden child which obviously can’t be true.
I think it’s just a thing people like to believe if they are not getting the attention they want.

No my BIL is the golden child...it's definitely because he's more 'needy' in every aspect of the word, still enjoys being parented even though he's 32!

I think you really need to dig deep here and start seeing your sister as a human being with her own thoughts and feelings to be taken seriously rather than dismissed.

I do think it was an overreaction to cut us all off because she perceived me to be favoured.

This sentence is a real giveaway: if you could see her life for one or two seconds you would realise the flip side is “I think she should stay whilst she is treated unfavourably”. She isn’t even permitted her own opinion- which I think is not great.

I think it is much more likely that you are utterly oblivious to the whole dynamic- your post is full of self serving “Well, if she had just agreed to have her spirit broken, we would have been able to like her.”
You were favored because you agreed to be your parents’ dance monkey. Did you actively choose that, or was it a case of your personality allowed that to happen?

Maybe it’s starting to dawn on you, that actually there is some jealousy on your behalf, she lives her life freely, and you, the people pleaser are still the dance monkey.
Have you ever said no to your parents? Or even disagreed with them?

My DM once told me, in not quite as many words, that it was entirely natural for a mother to feel more for a son, than for a daughter.

I didn’t believe it, but having just dds myself, I did wonder, when a little Gds arrived not long after little Gdd, whether I’d love him more.
Of course I found that what she’d said was bollocks.

Having said that, though, my DM did always prefer men. She tended to like women only if they were older and uglier (she was always attractive). IMO she felt threatened by them otherwise.

Nope. My brother was the golden child and he was the biggest pain in the bum. However, was born after very traumatic years for my mother, with a still birth and multiple miscarriages. So I understand it.

In my experience the Golden Child is usually the ‘pain in the bum’

In my husbands family of 4, one daughter is the golden child and one daughter is the black sheep. The two boys are in no man's land. I like them all, they are all good people. The black sheep is my favourite because she is genuine and free to be herself.

My brother in law and his wife are wonderful people and fought hard to get onto the higher pedestal with the golden child, they do a huge amount to get there and struggle to maintain their status. To be honest it is clear they are just a second runner doing 75% of the work.
I guess for them they feel it is worth it. They want recognition and they have it. They are never given help in the same the golden girl is.

MIL personality is incredibly hard work and inflexible, I just could be bothered trying to be someone I'm not for a person I can't respect. I enjoy the freedom of not being the favoured family.

I can see her care needs growing and the nervousness of the golden girl who got all help. If I was her I would be nervous too, she was promoted to a unique position she never wanted and she has no ambition to be a carer.

I'd agree with this. My sister was the golden child (very similar in looks/personality to our narcissistic mother), I was the scapegoat (different in every possible way).

As adults we've talked about the dynamic. My sister was much more 'trouble' than I was (I tended towards being very quiet and academic), but because my sister's behaviour made sense to our mum she favoured her, and if anything she did crossed the line I'd be blamed for it anyway (we're now able to laugh about "did your sister encourage you to do this!?" being the immediate reaction whenever she did something our mum didn't approve of). My sister recognises that I had a fucking horrible childhood because of how I was treated.

I will say my sister didn't get it easy, although it was easier for her when we were children. I've been able to build my own life, one that suits who I am as an individual. The demands for conformity that the poster I'm quoting mentioned, plus our mum becoming increasingly demanding and controlling as my sister tried to develop any independence, have made her life really hard as an adult.

It varies. My sister was the golden child because (my mother has said as much) my sister was and is undemanding. My mother was very lazy when we were kids and my sister would literally just sit there on the floor shaking her rattle for hours, singing to herself. Now as an adult she basically just sits there all the time and metaphorically does similar. She never challenged my mother by disagreeing with her or expecting her to do anything. Her needs were low.
I had opinions and wanted to go out and do things. My mother hated that. Still does.

I’ve just read your post @fuzzycob and I think my experience mirrors this exactly. Unfortunately my sister and I are nc now and I am sure this won’t change, so I would never be able to ask.

Nope. My db was the golden child. He was a nightmare, even to the point of addiction & a spell in prison. I wasn’t perfect tbh but he was on a different scale.
Fast forward to now & he’s just a pain in the arse to my parents while all their focus is on my family.
My dh was the one to point out what’s changed- we have a ds who they adore, it him who’s now their golden ‘child’.
We also have another dc so we have to make sure they don’t feel left out. I think being 2nd best in their view affected me quite badly as an child/adult and because of it I don’t feel as close to my parents as I think I should so I’m determined not to repeat it with my kids.

After our mum died my two brothers and I were talking about who her favourite child was.
I said it was DBI; DBI said DB2; DB2 said it was me.
Like a round of Rock Paper Scissors.
Mum did well to make everyone feel equally valued.

Not in my family. My brother was the eldest but he was an active baby who barely slept for the first five years of his life. My mum got pregnant by accident with me, but she was so worn down with my brother that she barely bonded with me when I was born and my dad used to look after me if I cried. Apparently I was the opposite and slept all the time, so I was the quiet, easy one. However Dbro was mum's golden child growing up.

Oh, and guess what? As an adult he moved hours away and I'm the one who is regularly visiting and helping our aged mother (now a widow). He'll maybe visit once every few months, and doesn't remember to call her in between visits. Funny that.