To think that the golden child is just the one that's not a pain in the bum?

[crinklegiraffe]

I have a sister one year younger than me and she refers to herself as the black sheep and me the golden child.
In reality she was a defiant little brat growing up who did nothing she was told and was always in trouble I think the polite word was spirited and I wasn't like that.
I got fed up with always having to tidy our room because she refused and tidying up after myself while she refused point blank to do anything.

I wasn't overly good, I just wasn't deliberately rude and disrespectful and as a result have a close relationship with my parents while my sister who has a chip on her shoulder has cut me and our parents off believing they were toxic and I was their favourite.
I think I was probably just easier rather than favourite where she was hard work but equally loved.

Agree, it’s the parents that allow this to occur, but they are often brainwashed by their upbringing and are repeating behaviour and unaware of the repercussions of their actions.

education helps break the cycle, and helps to accept the poor choices and parental limitations.

Nah, in my family my sister was the pain in the ass golden child while i was the people pleaser, problem free black sheep of the family.

Spot on @jay55 - there are clearly a lot of people on this thread who are confusing Golden Child Syndrome with the use of the term in work with narcissistic family systems, Neither is anything to do with the abilities, temperament or behaviour of the child - they are imposed on the child by the parents.

It all depends on family dynamics. I am the black sheep of the family, no doubt about it. I am university educated, drive, have a well paying job and have never been arrested. My siblings (and parents) have all been arrested multiple times and one has served many many sentences in jail and he is deemed the golden child by my parent. The sun shines out of his behind, he can do no wrong.

I don’t know what happened sorry but we could be siblings my brother was very similar and also abusive physically and sexually and protected by parents who to my mind are pretty narcissistic themselves.

Definitely parents set the tone for golden child/scapegoat dynamics. Once you see through the behavior patterns you can see it was exhibited in other ways too.

“little mum could do to force her so she just spent her entire childhood in a power struggle with mum who she wore down and down”.

I can’t help but notice you hold your sister responsible for how she was parented. I can’t help but notice your sister is held to account for what she didn’t do, tidying, while mum not parenting is framed as her being the victim of a child. You might want to think about how this seems reasonable and fair and what stories you’ve believed that make her ‘bad’ and your parents ‘victims’. It might not be nice to think about but some parents like divisions between children. Especially when a child is all defensive for them.

In reality she was a defiant little brat growing up who did nothing she was told and was always in trouble I think the polite word was spirited and I wasn't like that.

People will probably take exception to me saying this but I wholeheartedly believe and stand by what I’m about to say.

You know this isn’t actually her fault right? This is the fault of your parents because they didn’t address her behaviour or get the right support for her when she was growing up. It’s easy to blame the child for the sins of their parents. Children aren’t born a brat or behave like that by nature. They’re blank canvases and the environment they’re brought up in and how they’re parented will shape them as a human being. She may have had a reason for her behavioural difficulties, it’s easy to label a child a brat and write them off. Normally it’s down to a learning difficulty or they’re not given proper structure or boundaries from when they’re small because it’s easy to just be lazy and give in to demands all the time.

The way you talk about your sister is actually very spiteful and you do come across as toxic if that’s the way that you want to talk about a child. She may be an adult now but just imagine if someone spoke about your child or any child in such a manner. Just unpleasant really. If she had the right help and support when she was growing up then maybe she may have turned out differently and you wouldn’t be so negative about her. I’d cut anyone off who thought it was appropriate to speak about a child like that with zero empathy or reasoning. Your parents favour you because you weren’t good but you weren’t as bad. That sounds awful and extremely dysfunctional if that’s the case. Maybe try actually thinking about it from her point of view and see if you can work out the reasons why she feels the way that she does.

@crinklegiraffe Well, you have your opinion.
In reality, for many thousands of souls who have been abused, came from dysfunctional families, which itself is serious and horrific to grow up in, there was no light to be the ‘dark sheep’ or indeed the ‘golden child’.
I don’t think your post alludes to abuse within the family. So you can make light of what you think a golden child is.
I wish there was more serious understanding into the dynamics of familial abuse. The mess it creates. You do know for many children, who were abused, either as ‘black sheep’ or ‘golden children’ don’t make it to adulthood? I think you know what that means.
Many cannot function in society. I would like to say a lot more, but I do not have the energy.

I

I've seen this dynamic several times. Often the 'black sheep' is right. They have been scapegoated by the parents and the siblings or 'golden child' are manipulated to go along with it. It deflects from the parents faults. I'm not saying this is the case with every family, may not be with yours.
I was the 'golden child' so this isn't coming from a place of resentment.

Not always. My BIL is my MILs favorite even though he is much less responsible, successful and independent than my DH. I think she just loves him a bit more for some reason.

@ARealitycheck what an absolute crock.

My brother broke school property, came home smelling of drugs, hit his sisters, crashed cars. He was the golden child absolutely. I was the black sheep and was punished for even looking at my mother wrongly if I did even one thing on the list I gave of my brothers escapades they would have thrown me out. They did in fact throw me out for coming home 5 minutes past curfew and arguing back about it. My mother always said I reminded her of herself "you are getting fat" (when I was a size 8 teen) "smile or people won't like you" etc. Her elder brother was the golden male child and she was the black sheep who triggered her mother and so my mother perpetuated it.

Hopefully my kids can't tell who my favourite is, but it's my dd. There is something about her that's so incredibly special the first eldest daughter in a generation who won't be abuse by her mother. I see myself in her and do not resent her freedoms or get jealous I just love her. Obviously love my ds too and he actually gets more of my time and attention as he has different needs. I can't imagine him becoming the black sheep just because he is harder to parent. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a favourite

Absolutely spot on. God forbid parents actually take some agency and responsibility for the way that they bring up their children and actually put some effort into proper parenting techniques.

The OP suggests that her mother is a victim of her terrible, wilful daughter but she’s not. Her sister was a victim of poor parenting and all it’s done is manifest into problems for her adult life and made her into the “bad child”. Really awful, I do feel sorry for her and I don’t even know her.

my sister was the golden child. Younger than me she was little, quiet and cute. I was tall and assertive. I don't doubt that me being a bit of a pain in the arse was to try and get some of the attention that my sister received! So...I think my sister being the golden child caused me to defiant and a bit of a brat 😅.

It’s really interesting in our family that the ‘golden child’ is deeply unpleasant and regularly berates our parents. They bow to her every demand but have recently told me they’re scared of her. I have another sibling who should be the golden child, I swear she fell out of heaven, she’s unbelievably kind, sweet and caring. She is also an absolute rock who can be depended on for anything and everything. It’s almost like she’s forgotten about in our family, although people who know her/ work with rave about how amazing she is.
My children who are still primary aged have pointed out how this dynamic is!!

In what way?

YANBU, but I don't think it is quite as simple as that - charm and likeability enter into it too. So a child like your sister (defiant etc) is less likeable, but so is a whiny child, a gloomy anxious child, or even a compliant but dull child.

Basically parents (and friends, employers and romantic partners) favour a charming, attractive, cheerful, entertaining, confident and successful individual. If a child has these attributes they can get away with being bold and demanding. If they lack them, they can be good as gold but still less favoured.

I think parents choose a golden child and it can be the easiest or the most difficult child, but once set in stone they will twist themselves into pretzels to justify the preferential behaviour.

In our family my sister was the golden one. Initially she was the more difficult child (clingy and lots of tantrums) but this meant mum pandered to her for a quiet life. Then in teenage years she was no trouble at all. Very studious and well behaved, not interested in going out or having a boyfriend. I was more typical teenager which they found really difficult - they used to say they had "got it right" with her but "didn't know where they'd gone wrong with me". And that has been the refrain forever.

I got a good education, good career, nice husband, children but they always infer I'm a disappointment, now it's because I'm a ft working mum which is apparently disgraceful compared to my sister who has a nice little part time job and doesn't "farm out" ger children. Our parents have her children every school holiday because "it's so hard juggling work and children". Erm, yes, I know!

My husband was one of 4 and the one who wasn't any trouble yet he was obviously the least favoured child. PIL always relied on him to give them lifts, do their tax returns and other crap but all their love and affection went to the feckless siblings who were "so much fun" apparently.

This!

The word “golden child” usually comes from families with a narcissistic parent (or two) who use triangulation to control the family dynamic. Or less complicated, parents who don’t know how to deal with children and aren’t emotionally mature themselves. There’s no such thing as one kid being “bad” and one “good” or golden, there’s just different tempers and personalities and even neurodivergence. Parents who label one kid golden and one a black sheep or even creates a dynamic that makes the kids feel like that have issues. Not the kids. Sibling rivalry is quite common and only natural but as we grow up we really need to grow out of it too, and leave any roles assigned in childhood by emotionally immature parents behind.

I am actually wondering whether you are winding us up! I have dds -one that leaves her clothes all over the floor. That doesn’t make my dd ‘difficult’, ‘defiant’ or a problem. It’s just the way she is! My other dd tidies up and always has, I’m not closer to her simply because she makes life easy for me!!

Honestly your parents sound awful. Labelling their children and ostracising your poor sister for very average teen behaviour.

I was the golden child and I was a moody, difficult twat when I was younger.

I also wonder if this isn't a wind up or reverse.
The actual family dynamic of "golden child"/"black sheep" can be deeply destructive and not reliant on a messy room.
Both DH and I are black sheep. I am a lot further along the road to recovery and my DSis and I actively fight against the labels. DH's brother still takes his parents for an absolute ride but can never do ANY wrong EVER

This is just your household. You are misusing the term golden child.

Your sister called you the favourite, not the golden child.

In other families, there can be a golden child and/or a scapegoat.

I think she perhaps doesn’t understand what golden child means.

It’s like when people think stonewalling is just someone being a bit moody.