To think that the golden child is just the one that's not a pain in the bum?

[crinklegiraffe]

I have a sister one year younger than me and she refers to herself as the black sheep and me the golden child.
In reality she was a defiant little brat growing up who did nothing she was told and was always in trouble I think the polite word was spirited and I wasn't like that.
I got fed up with always having to tidy our room because she refused and tidying up after myself while she refused point blank to do anything.

I wasn't overly good, I just wasn't deliberately rude and disrespectful and as a result have a close relationship with my parents while my sister who has a chip on her shoulder has cut me and our parents off believing they were toxic and I was their favourite.
I think I was probably just easier rather than favourite where she was hard work but equally loved.

As they say, all behaviour is communication. Sadly I was the black sheep but in reality I was desperate for quality time with my time short parents. Parents also valued academia above crafts/arts/skills so I was of little value.

See, I read this post and thought "yup, that was me"...always the one who had to bend, or give, or think "which one would sister prefer, I'd better choose the other". Yet she is the golden child and I am not. I'm not a 'black sheep', and am the one who sees my parents most and is the least burden, but she is the one their happiness revolves around.

Not in my household. Golden child was a sneaky, horrible, manipulative kid. My mum thought the sun shone out of her bum and is still proud to say my DSis was my 'mother', who always took me under her wing.

Reality was, she was always nipping me, controlling, belittling and domineering me, while my mum would be with her boyfriend/at the pub/not bothering with us. It made me a massive introvert and shy child, as I knew to speak up would backfire onto me and my mum would always protect her golden child.

Even as adults now, she's divided the family by singling me out and, knowing I back away from toxicity, she's glorifying in the limelight as being a perfect daughter while my mum still refuses to see how she really is. I even tried to show my mum a sequence of events as it was over texts and she refused to see it. Even in it, DSis was saying how stupid/worthless etc I am, yet I wasn't able to have the opportunity to prove that's how she's always spoken to me. As a result, I'm basically nc with DM unless it's a forced family event. My DC see her for what she is, from their own eyes, and as much as I try to keep all the cousins close enough, we'll never be a close, big family.

It's backfired on DM now though, I'm breaking the toxic chain and despite being told many times why I don't go to see her, she barely sees the GC either. The only time we really bother to see them, is when all siblings organise a meal or something. And even then DC and I sit at the far end of the table with the neutral siblings/nieces and leave those narcs at the other (boring) end.

I actually think it’s the opposite in a lot of cases. My DH was always dealt like crap by mil, even though he was the one who had a good job, a home, was a good husband, good father and good son - did so much for mil. Yet his brother was an alcoholic, divorced, rubbish father to his kids, and did very little for mil, yet she was very protective of him and always sang his praises. Probably she felt sorry for him. It’s not fair for you to imply situations like yours are mostly the case. There’s a lot of adult dcs out there who definitely are not a PITA, but are treated badly by their parents, whilst their waste of space siblings are put on pedestals.

I do think it was an overreaction to cut us all off because she perceived me to be favoured.
I don't believe my parents had a favourite and it is her that has said this, they showed love to us both.
I agree perhaps they gave in to her demands far too much which would often be at my expense especially when we were younger like if we were given a choice and didn't agree they'd tell me to do what she wanted so she didn't kick up a fuss and being the people pleaser I was always the compliant one expected to surrender my needs because they couldn't deal with the fuss she'd create until she got her way otherwise.
The clothes on the floor were just an example of daily life.

Nah, the golden child in DH's family is a massive pain in the ass to everyone else!

I don't think this is true to be honest. My oldest DB was a PITA,but my other brother (4 years older than me) and myself were probably level pegging when it came to being difficult. Yet he was always treated like the favourite. So much so that when my DM died, despite the fact that she left us an equal share in her will,he actually said that he should be entitled to more because he was the favourite. Unbelievable.

Maybe that's sometimes the case...
But I watched my dad and his brother with their mum. My dad's brother was the clear favourite. Really obviously the golden child..
But it was my dad who was always on hand doing my nans gardening and DIY. It was my dad who was more academically and career successful.. my dad who gave her grandchildren..
But still everything was framed around my uncle, the eldest brother.
It was sad to see.
I asked my dad about it once and he just shrugged and laughed.. but it's a shame. My dad was a genuinely lovely man.
My uncle is a good man too.. but she shouldn't have been like that with them. It was glaringly obvious even to me as a child.. I can only think how it must have hurt my dad.

You dont understand it at all.im the scapegoat/black sheep.my mother is a full narc intent on destruction of my life. My sister younger got everything. My older sister was adhd autistic and interlectual disability. My mum has turned everyone against me including 2 of my children. Plays victim. Even child services have said she is crazy. Calls them all the time makes false claims. I actually often pray a bus will deal with it.lol but honestly the scars left are immense. My marriage is damaged my self esteem im finally rebuilding.it sucks but such is life. Sorry for the trauma dump.

How does any of that make you the golden child? You sound more like Cinderella.

Depends on the family. In mine, the golden child was the second son. No daughter could ever be the golden child and most especially not the bisexual eldest daughter with the crime of wanting to go to university and wanting a career instead of marriage, grandchildren and to be live in carer of aging parents.

My brother is the golden child and he's was and still is a complete nightmare. Also getting himself into trouble then family bailing him out.
If Me or my sister need help for anything there's no point asking them they won't help us.

Nope my sister is everyone's golden child she is a bitch to people and they still think she is lovely 😍 when she shows up everyone gushes over her but it's me they look towards when things need doing when push comes to shove I'm the one pushing and shoving then I'm set aside when she needs to show up for a public event never forget she stopped talking to a family member as a teenager they suddenly died she was allowed at the funeral was publicly fussed over as a "poor child" given mementos (which she later sold) I was told to stay home and expected to carry on because apparently I wasn't as close as she it was fucking hurtful I wasn't given so much as a photo as a memory still hurts now as an adult she has done this time and again yet my family value her and her occasional visits over me

See my parents treated us both exactly the same, if one was bought something then so was the other, always.

In my experience it has been the children who have caused the most issues, drained the life and money out of the parents who have been treated like the golden children.

I don’t agree, I think your sister is just using the terms golden child and black sheep wrongly.

Edit - sorry the gif was added by mistake

I was the black sheep. I was a difficult child, more so than my siblings which I recognise, however I was also the only one regularly punished physically and would be punished for things where my siblings wouldn’t be. I also always got the blame for things. I was labelled a difficult child and so if anything went wrong or there was any disagreement I was always perceived to be most at fault and it was always assumed I’d acted out on purpose, with my siblings it was assumed they’d been provoked if we fought or that it was an accident if they did something wrong and it would be overlooked. I appreciate I was a difficult child but my siblings weren’t angels and it wasn’t always one sided.

As an adult I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD which probably explains the meltdowns and impulsiveness etc which made me difficult to parent.

Oh I was a huge pain in the butt, in that I spent most of my baby and young toddler years in and out of hospital due to a genetic fault (that resolves over time, but could have cost me my life then). In being exceptionally clever, resulting in a few year group skips, which also meant I spotted bullshit and hypocrisy a mile off. In being autistic (undiagnosed at the time, though my mother wanted to get me labelled ADHD), so I didn't always keep my mouth shut to keep the peace and called out said bullshit.

I was the difficult child. I brought home As and A*s and got berated for a B or A- grade. My silbing was lucky if they scraped Cs. I was not allowed friends, actively stopped from bringing them home, had a 10pm curfew at 16 the two times I managed to get permission to go to a party. My silbing was out all hours and constantly had friends around. I did not drink, did not do drugs, did not smoke - my sibling did all of that. When my mother was on a rant, I got pulled up for not making the correct face or for being quiet, but anything I did say caused a worse rant. I got hit for backchat, so I rarely did. I was caned for a simple misunderstanding which reflected badly on my parent. My sibling, meanwhile, was free to do what they wanted. They got supported in living abroad, while I got 4 weeks silent treatment for wanting the same. I moved out and looked after myself independently aged 18; my mother told me years alter how proud she was my sibling learned to cook - at the age of 33. But I was the difficult child.

I am NC with my mother, who then managed to turn the whole family against me, so now I have no family.

See I actually think that it’s true that golden child/black sheep “scapegoat” dynamic is related to families w one or two narcissistic parents.

but the whole idea of a “favorite child” is inherently unhealthy too. It’s so weird some people just accept that as a common thing. If parents favor one child over another it’s because of their own emotional immaturity, various forms of projection, control, living out their dreams through their kids etc etc.

I have two kids. They both have their strengths and weaknesses and while it’s true that in any given moment or day one may be giving me an easier time than the other, this doesn’t mean that I love the momentarily eaiser one more or give them more attention. Both the kids can be jealous of one another and if one has been told off for something may start saying stuff like I like the other child better. I always strongly contradict that and tell them and show them how much I love them and tel them that even if I can be angry at them at times, we all
make mistakes and nothing they do could ever affect my love for them.

My mum favored my little sister all our childhood and I actually think it has damaged her more than me. She never learned to stand up for herself and is still this day very dependent on the approval of others. She can’t set limits with my mum who has narcissistic tendencies. I was the scapegoat and while that’s made me overly self critical it’s also made me independent. Both things are shit though, and my mums preferential treatment has resulted in my sister and I not being very close and still to this day trying to break the unhealthy rivalry between us. I work very hard on being aware of when the old patterns get triggered.

more than anything I realize that preferential treatment of children is so unhealthy and to examine my own mentions if I start to feel too critical of one child over the other.

In my family the worst behaved were favored the most. It was basically eldest could do no harm despite being selfish, spoiled etc. They needed protection, bailing out, no expectations on them ever.

However the spoiling he enjoyed ruined him, he died young and it was directly related to his upbringing so I should have thanked my parents for (comparatively) treating me like shit bc it toughened me up and I'm strong and mostly happy now.

It drove me crazy when I was young to experience the gross inequality tbh.

My sibling is the golden child. They are a moderate pain in the bum but very much in tune with my parents, similar interests and outlooks. He needs them , they support him with jobs around the house, he is a single parent. They like being needed. He calls them mummy and daddy , always (is 40). I am independent , call them
mum and dad and rarely ask for their help. They regularly invite him and dc round for meals but not me and mine.
I really don’t mind at all. I just hope that he remains close and is willing to be the main carer as they age 😜
I see them regularly with my DC and we get n OK but we are quite different and I find their interests and lifestyle uninteresting I take an interest anyway and do things that they like to do. It isn’t reciprocated. He really does love spending time with them, stays as long as he can. It is the same pattern in my DH family..my fil was always there for his mum, they were close. His sibling moved away and visited on family
occasions only. His brother and other relatives called FIL the golden child, he was, and he earnt it.

It was the opposite for me. My sister was the demanding one and she was the favourite. I was the quiet one who was expected to not make a fuss. I was always second class.

They obviously DIDN'T treat you exactly the same as you yourself have just given examples of where your needs/wishes were subjugated to her tantrums.

The fault here lies with the parenting. It's your sister breaking off the relationship but could just as easily be you on here starting a thread to complain about how your parents neglected YOUR needs by always kowtowing to your difficult, demanding sister.

In my experience(and only mine, this is no attempt to extrapolate) I was inadvertently classed as the "difficult" child, my sibling as the "good" child.

It wasn't my siblings fault, or mine. I'm pretty sure it was done inadvertently.

What I have noticed is that my sibling classed their two children as the "good" one and the "difficult" one .
Following on from my parents, or the truth? Who knows?
And now my siblings children have two children each. And yes, my sibling has yet again given each of them a "good" or difficult" description.

For this, and other reasons, I only have one child.

Yes! We have 3 boys (teenagers and young adult) and the oldest and youngest both claim that the middle DS is the golden child or the favourite. I've recently banned them from saying it as it upsets me so much.

It's absolutely not true, but middle DS is just a very easy going kid, it's pretty hard to be mad/annoyed at him if he's washing cars or doing housework because he's bored!
Whereas the oldest and youngest both need a lot of reminding to do much around the house.

When the oldest DS was going through a rough couple of years he got ALL of our attention to help him through it and same with the youngest when he needs us, but they seem to forget this.
I ask the oldest what does he want us to do exactly, start yelling at middle DS just for the sake of it? 🙄