To think that the golden child is just the one that's not a pain in the bum?

[crinklegiraffe]

I have a sister one year younger than me and she refers to herself as the black sheep and me the golden child.
In reality she was a defiant little brat growing up who did nothing she was told and was always in trouble I think the polite word was spirited and I wasn't like that.
I got fed up with always having to tidy our room because she refused and tidying up after myself while she refused point blank to do anything.

I wasn't overly good, I just wasn't deliberately rude and disrespectful and as a result have a close relationship with my parents while my sister who has a chip on her shoulder has cut me and our parents off believing they were toxic and I was their favourite.
I think I was probably just easier rather than favourite where she was hard work but equally loved.

It's really hard to judge other people's perspectives. Something that stuck with me is the observation that you and your siblings think you grew up in the 'same' family so you're talking about the 'same' things, but of course you are individuals and so her childhood was a different childhood from yours - it's not just a different memory (which might be accurate or inaccurate).

It might be your sister genuinely was a brat. Or there might be things you don't remember, or didn't see, or didn't know about, which shaped the way she was and the way you were.

But, I agree with PP that the phrase 'golden child' does have a genuine meaning.

I'm the black sheep and one of my brothers is the golden child

He's the one that's the most like her-he definitely has her narcissistic ways

He was (and still is) hard work,spiteful,nasty,self serving and selfish

I try not to be any of those things and I wasn't a 'bad' child (and I was never really there as I was palmed off onto my grandad while I was growing up)

I'm in no way perfect but he got/gets away with so much that I would have been in so much trouble for

Thank god I'm nc now

Are you one of my sisters???

Nope.

I was the black sheep, when in reality I was just a normal teenager whose parents blamed her for everything.

My sister was the golden child despite the drugs, arrests, teenage pregnancy.

Now my youngest brother is the golden child, despite never holding down a job, relationship or doing anything but sponge off my parents.

I work full time and have 2 kids and support in the care of my elderly grandfather and yet I'm the one expected to help out my mum, because brother is just "so busy" (playing on his X box, upstairs in my mum's house).

Certainly this can happen - but its not universal. I have met many a golden child who is bratty and entitled

I suspect my dsis would say I was the golden child. In real terms, I was the easy one. The one always expected to give up what I wanted to do, step back, give my possessions up, not argue, let the others go first, so the chore etc because I didn't make a fuss when my siblings would. It made for an easy life for my parents.
I did mind though and it made me feel less important. But my siblings never saw how much I compromised for them, and resented if my parents every thanked me in front of them.

You don’t appear to understand the dynamic at all op, which goes well beyond a few labels! There is far more to it. It’s not about easy children versus more difficult ones, but entrenched favouritism that is designed to use power play to discredit and devalue a child. The playing children off from one another is so divisive and harmful.

In the situations I have seen the golden child has been very poorly behaved, but is still idealised and put on a pedestal. Most black sheep share the same issue that they don’t feel loved or valued by their parents, and they have felt harmed by the experience. Some will react with anger, others with compliance. A variety of reactions can take place.

What have you done to build a connection with your sister and to help her feel less ostracised?

It sounds like you have just swallowed your parent’s narrative of her. Most parents agree that no childhood is a straight line and perfect. There are ups and downs in every child’s life, and none are ‘perfect’!!!

I recognise that scenario. Golden child in my family was the one who took drugs and got caught shoplifting but got given whatever he wanted and could do no wrong. The 2 of us who didn't couldn't do anything right.

I identify with what you say completely, OP!

It also might be that lots of golden children will agree on here, because it suits them very well to think they have reasonably achieved that status due to ‘good behaviour’ rather than the real reason that their sibling was being damaged and horribly bullied in their own family.

The point about a golden child is that they can do no wrong in the eyes of their parent(s), it has nothing to do with actual behaviour. My brother was the golden child in my father's eyes all his life, despite a long history of drug abuse leading to the financial (and occasionally physical) abuse of my parents. Made no difference to my dad who tied himself in ever-increasing knots trying to justify the favoritism.

It's the opposite on this end. Golden Child is an overgrown toddler who has had everything given to him all his life and thinks that's what he deserves. I am an ordinary, hard working person who has admittedly made mistakes but due to my emotionally neglectful upbringing, I always sort things out for myself and have never relied on them (or anyone) to help me.

According to them, I was a nightmare and he was an angel. When in reality, I was living independently in university at 18 and he was banged up for 'something he didn't do'!

Fuck them all, I say!

Nope the golden child in mu family was an alcoholic for years and years. Stole, lied , wrecked the house, got arrested, had to have debts paid off and then continued wracking them up. The ultimate pain in the hole .... yet he could do no wrong. I've never done any of that stuff , was well behaved , helpful but I'm the devil.

Yes, my DH is the black sheep because he doesn't do what he's told.

My youngest is the golden child because he's an absolute delight to care for. He's not the favourite, but you're not frazzled after caring for him for the day unlike his brothers.

I disagree. I am not the golden child, I'm the 'Oh we never had to worry about you' child.

Hmmm I have an older sister who was the scapegoat. It's difficult to pick apart. She was a difficult child and teenager but our mother made it very clear that she wasn't liked. So of course if a child feels they're not liked, they aren't nice to their parents or siblings.

It's impossible to say whether things would have been different if she'd received better parenting (rather than having her ED scoffed at etc). But her vile behaviour does not mean that my mum wasn't a covert narcissist because she very much was.

Yes this was exactly me, my sister would leave her clothes on the floor and things all around our shared room and when she didn't pick them up after we'd be sent to clean our room, she'd sit there refusing while I just did it all just so it was done.
I think she knew this and also that if she said no and refused profusely to do what she was asked there was very little mum could do to force her so she just spent her entire childhood in a power struggle with mum who she wore down and down.

Yeah probably.

My sister is the Golden Child. If she were my DC she would also be the Golden Child. She's kind and caring and has always done lots for my mum. We both have, to be fair, but my sister has always gone above and beyond.

She's 10 years older than me though and has always been an "adult" and always helped my parents with me. She was basically like the third parent really.

Golden Child doesn't mean favourite though.

DH is the Golden Child. He's the most successful out of his siblings and his siblings, even in their 30s, are still causing his parents problems and heartache. His middle sibling is definitely the favourite though and his youngest sibling is the black sheep.

I never felt like my parents had favourites. I felt my sister and I were loved equally. My mum listened to my sister's advice more though. She could have been having a problem and I would come up with a solution and she would um and ah about it. Later that day she'd tell my sister and my sister would come up with the EXACT SAME solution and my mum would be all "you're right" and do what she said, even though I had already suggested it 😤.

My brother was the golden child - first born boy - awful at school, played truant never did his homework, always in fights - but still the golden boy.
DH the golden boy - easy baby, academically gifted - did what he pleased.. His sister’s had to toe the line and behave.
I think it’s often a boy thing.

In abusive homes and with narcissistic parents this is absolutely not the case. First poster who said parents make the dynamic, not children, are correct.

My brother had pathological demand avoidance and was extremely violent from a very young age. Was sexually and physically abusive to other children in the home. He also admit to this as an adult. Parents traction? Other children should be separated from. They doubled down on protecting their golden child and stopped contact with their other child. Their choice.

The golden child/scapegoat dynamic doesn’t fit every family. Just because there may be a favourite child doesn’t make them the golden child. It’s a specific thing and it is NOT determined by the child or the child’s behaviour.

Not in my experience.

I'm the one with a job since I was 16 put myself through college, bought my own car, own house etc. not a problem and so I should.

My brother has never held down a long term job, asks for money, was chauffeured around since age 17-27 as he wouldn't learn to drive. Now he drives and gets bought a car.

All I have ever down is tried to make my parents lives easier and he seems to have no problem taking?!

Oh absolutely in some cases. My brother is the golden child and I'm the black sheep, but that's because I was a renegade little turd in my teens and he was very easy going. I gave my poor mam hell, no surprise my very chilled, laid back brother is the favourite!

(Although we've grown out of all of that now and all get on very well, no one has cut anyone off!)

My DM golden child is my youngest DS who never bothered to go to school so basically dropped out at 13. Never really worked much or has done anything with her life. She used to make my DM life hell really. So rude and entitled. Definitely not the easiest, that would be my other DS who basically raised herself, took herself off to uni now is a Dr..She gives DM money and fully expects that DM will live with her one day. She was actually neglected I would say.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease in my family.

Golden child is clearly the new gaslighting and being applied to situations where the dynamic doesn't exist.

Nope, golden child usually manipulates the family dynamic for their own benefit.

black sheep, usually honest narrator . Black sheep recognises family dysfunction , resists it, and is then rejected .

usually