Calm me down | Mumsnet

MissDoubleU · 10/01/2025 16:45

You don’t need to calm down, you need to make your feelings and needs AND anger known to your partner. Express your frustrating and how unfair he is being and how he ruined your time and ask him what he plans to do to make up for it. Alternatively he can pick a time when he WILL take DC for a set time by himself and leave you alone and undisturbed.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 10/01/2025 16:46

Forgive me if this is a stupid question but dh realise that you are burnt out and specifically needed a break from DS?

Why not make them leave the house?

Penguinface · 10/01/2025 16:49

Tell him he can't do his hobby tomorrow. He gets "him time" when you get "her time". If it means letting other people down, he can go tomorrow and inform them he won't be there next week.

My DH used to do this sort of thing- deliberately missing the point of time away from the DCs because he didn't want to look after them alone as he found it hard.

Xmasisoverboohoo · 10/01/2025 16:52

Can you have your alone time when little one is in bed asleep? Then he won't feel like he is missing you

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/01/2025 16:54

Xmasisoverboohoo · 10/01/2025 16:52

Can you have your alone time when little one is in bed asleep? Then he won't feel like he is missing you

So his bloody useless father doesn't have to step up and look after his own child? Jesus 🙄

Justleaveitblankthen · 10/01/2025 16:54

I'm sorry OP, I would love to calm you down but I'm bloody livid for you!! 😡
Seriously, I would tear him a new one.

Is he always like this? I missed your previous thread and on the App, so can't chase up.

How fucking dare he?! 💐

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/01/2025 16:55

OP, get yourself dressed and out in the morning and go and have a coffee somewhere. Fuck his hobby.

Original poster

Tootiredmummyof3 · 10/01/2025 16:56

Xmasisoverboohoo · 10/01/2025 16:52

Can you have your alone time when little one is in bed asleep? Then he won't feel like he is missing you

He doesn't sleep much, needs lots of resetting. It's all part of his additional needs. That's why I was so happy DH was coming home early so I could actually get some me time.

OP posts:

Xmasisoverboohoo · 10/01/2025 16:56

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/01/2025 16:54

So his bloody useless father doesn't have to step up and look after his own child? Jesus 🙄

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Yes that in itself is an issue, however a bath in the evening when child is asleep would surely be more relaxing. I think the father should have taken little one out though and then everyone is happy.

Xmasisoverboohoo · 10/01/2025 16:57

Tootiredmummyof3 · 10/01/2025 16:56

He doesn't sleep much, needs lots of resetting. It's all part of his additional needs. That's why I was so happy DH was coming home early so I could actually get some me time.

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Well then I completely understand. Tell him to take little one out for a few hours, men don't understand how hard it is for mums x

Brefugee · 10/01/2025 16:57

Tootiredmummyof3 · 10/01/2025 16:42

I posted a little while ago about how burnt out I was feeling and got some good advice (I didn't contact SS though if anyone remembers the thread). I did decide to make time for myself.
DH says he's coming home early today so I said great you can watch DS while I have a relaxing bath.
Baby steps but at least it's something. DH moaned a bit but agreed. Comes home at 2. I run my bath, light a candle and am literally just getting in the bath when DS appears in the doorway (no lock unfortunately). I shout for DH to come and get him which he does but 10 minutes later DS is back. I shout for DH (this time less calmly) and tell him to keep an eye on DS. DH says but he wants to be with you, just put him in the bath with you. I said no, this is my time. But he wants you. You want to get in the bath with mummy don't you? DH proceeds to strip DS and puts him in the bath.
I'm fuming my relaxing bath is gone but icing on the cake DS then poos in the bath!
I showered and dressed us both and then went in to our bedroom that does lock to calm down. But I can't. I'm so angry.
This was a rare treat for me as due to DSs needs and DHs work I don't usually get an hour/40 minutes to relax in the bath.
I just wanted a short break to recharge my batteries, but I didn't get it.
Obviously I will have to leave the house if I want a break but it's so cold I just wanted to stop warm.
I don't think I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off at DH (obviously no one's fault DS pooed) for ruining my me time, especially when I know he'll fuck off to his hobby at first light tomorrow?
Someone calm me down please.

more than once, when i needed a break from my family, i just got in the car and went somewhere for 2 hours. And then came back and told them all, again, that when i say "i need peace for 2 hours, that is exactly what i mean".

Can you do that?

ETA: sorry meant to say, set your alarm for before DH gets up and go out. Just do it. And if he moans, tell him that he gets him time and now you are having you time. And if the bath thing ever happens again, you will get up before him. Again. Until he learns.

Xmasisoverboohoo · 10/01/2025 16:58

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/01/2025 16:55

OP, get yourself dressed and out in the morning and go and have a coffee somewhere. Fuck his hobby.

I agree!

Holdonforsummer · 10/01/2025 16:58

Xmasisoverboohoo · 10/01/2025 16:52

Can you have your alone time when little one is in bed asleep? Then he won't feel like he is missing you

Yes, I think this kind of thought process is what leads to burnout. The OP should totally be entitled to some time away from her child in her own house during waking hours. I would be booking myself a girls’ spa weekend away…… and explaining exactly why to your partner.

Anonym00se · 10/01/2025 17:00

What’s his hobby? Take DS in the morning and stick him on the middle of the centre circle/on the back of his bike/whatever and walk away shouting “But DS wants you”.

Brefugee · 10/01/2025 17:01

Xmasisoverboohoo · 10/01/2025 16:57

Well then I completely understand. Tell him to take little one out for a few hours, men don't understand how hard it is for mums x

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oh god i am feeling stabby (you are not the only one provoking it)

Dads can easily learn to step up and be the parent when the mum needs time alone.
Dads can get to fuck with the "can't cope, don't know how, it comes naturally to women" bollocks. And the women who facilitate this? can get in the sea.

Xmasisoverboohoo · 10/01/2025 17:06

Brefugee · 10/01/2025 17:01

oh god i am feeling stabby (you are not the only one provoking it)

Dads can easily learn to step up and be the parent when the mum needs time alone.
Dads can get to fuck with the "can't cope, don't know how, it comes naturally to women" bollocks. And the women who facilitate this? can get in the sea.

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I should have said 'some men'. I read so many times on here how shit men are, I feel sorry for OP that her DH appears to be one that simply doesn't understand how hard it is.
Fortunately lots of men do step up to the plate, but sadly not all.

Original poster

Tootiredmummyof3 · 10/01/2025 17:07

Yeah, it's football. He coaches a boys team on the morning, then meets his friends in the pub and they either play or watch football., often followed by drinks afterwards Don't think the weather is bad enough for it to be cancelled.unfortunatly.
The coaching bit is fine. It's the afternoon/evening that annoys me. Every week.
And he's just told me he's going out Sunday too. Helping his friend with DIY , I said totally fine take DS with you (friend has children too).
But I don't know if he will or will but dump childcare on his friends partner..

OP posts:

CaptainAwkward · 10/01/2025 17:08

I’d be fucking off to a Travelodge tonight

tootiredtoocare · 10/01/2025 17:08

Put DS in his lap, tell him you're going out and go. Take a book, go and sit in a warm coffee shop and get cake. And stay away at least an hour, preferably two. And do it at least once a week until he gets the idea that it's time to be a dad.

CaptainAwkward · 10/01/2025 17:09

Tootiredmummyof3 · 10/01/2025 17:07

Yeah, it's football. He coaches a boys team on the morning, then meets his friends in the pub and they either play or watch football., often followed by drinks afterwards Don't think the weather is bad enough for it to be cancelled.unfortunatly.
The coaching bit is fine. It's the afternoon/evening that annoys me. Every week.
And he's just told me he's going out Sunday too. Helping his friend with DIY , I said totally fine take DS with you (friend has children too).
But I don't know if he will or will but dump childcare on his friends partner..

Well fuck him

I’d be telling him he’ll have to cope when I divorce him and he has eow at least
He sounds incredibly unkind

SardinesOnGingerbread · 10/01/2025 17:09

Weaponised incompetence at its finest. I haven't read your previous thread, but this man sounds unkind. This was deliberate.

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 10/01/2025 17:11

tootiredtoocare · 10/01/2025 17:08

Put DS in his lap, tell him you're going out and go. Take a book, go and sit in a warm coffee shop and get cake. And stay away at least an hour, preferably two. And do it at least once a week until he gets the idea that it's time to be a dad.

Please OP, do this!!

Don't ask, walk out! Once DS is in his arms!!

Tinselinthewhoopsiebasket · 10/01/2025 17:13

My ds's is footy is cancelled this weekend.... Even if it is will he tell you or still slope off? You need to start having Friday night at a mate's house.. See how fresh he is for footy after a night with dc...

bryceQ · 10/01/2025 17:15

Tootiredmummyof3 · 10/01/2025 17:07

Yeah, it's football. He coaches a boys team on the morning, then meets his friends in the pub and they either play or watch football., often followed by drinks afterwards Don't think the weather is bad enough for it to be cancelled.unfortunatly.
The coaching bit is fine. It's the afternoon/evening that annoys me. Every week.
And he's just told me he's going out Sunday too. Helping his friend with DIY , I said totally fine take DS with you (friend has children too).
But I don't know if he will or will but dump childcare on his friends partner..

This is wild.

You don't need to calm down you need a serious word with your husband about what being a dad entails. What a selfish man

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 10/01/2025 17:15

Leave the house in the morning before he's up. It's extreme but he thinks he can just take the piss with zero consequence. Absolutely shit behaviour.