Calm me down

[Tootiredmummyof3]

I posted a little while ago about how burnt out I was feeling and got some good advice (I didn't contact SS though if anyone remembers the thread). I did decide to make time for myself.
DH says he's coming home early today so I said great you can watch DS while I have a relaxing bath.
Baby steps but at least it's something. DH moaned a bit but agreed. Comes home at 2. I run my bath, light a candle and am literally just getting in the bath when DS appears in the doorway (no lock unfortunately). I shout for DH to come and get him which he does but 10 minutes later DS is back. I shout for DH (this time less calmly) and tell him to keep an eye on DS. DH says but he wants to be with you, just put him in the bath with you. I said no, this is my time. But he wants you. You want to get in the bath with mummy don't you? DH proceeds to strip DS and puts him in the bath.
I'm fuming my relaxing bath is gone but icing on the cake DS then poos in the bath!
I showered and dressed us both and then went in to our bedroom that does lock to calm down. But I can't. I'm so angry.
This was a rare treat for me as due to DSs needs and DHs work I don't usually get an hour/40 minutes to relax in the bath.
I just wanted a short break to recharge my batteries, but I didn't get it.
Obviously I will have to leave the house if I want a break but it's so cold I just wanted to stop warm.
I don't think I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off at DH (obviously no one's fault DS pooed) for ruining my me time, especially when I know he'll fuck off to his hobby at first light tomorrow?
Someone calm me down please.

This is terrible behaviour. Your partner deliberately sabotaged your time after leading you to believe you could have it. This is worse than refusing in the first place as its actually cruel to allow someone to think they're having a treat and then ruin it. I don't think the answer in something so simple as going out next time, because your partners attitude to you is a huge problem. You need to tell him straight how this has made you feel.

They absolutely do, it’s just in most cases they don’t give a toss. It’s the same as any routine, mundane household work - they deem it beneath them. Weaponised incompetence.

He absolutely knew what he was doing putting your son in the bath with you against your will.

Agree with others - set them up with a book etc, go out and leave them to it. It’s all too easy for men to constantly default when there is usually absolutely no reason they can’t step up.

Any chance you meet your dh after training then leave your son with him while you go off and do something nice?

I'd book myself a hotel tonight, pay for late checkout and fuck off for the night and next day. Fuck his stupid football, he can be a parent for a change and you can sit in the bath all evening if you want.

Exactly.
Not single, married for a better life, but child free.
Seen this or similar situation too many times to actually bother myself.

I'd do this too. I actually think it's a good thing if he has to let people down for training. He'll have to deal with it and it might make him realise more that his actions have consequences. Remember, it's his problem, not yours. He'll just have to step up for once.

Travelodge, bath, book, TV, chocolate, wine. Turn your phone off.

I would ask him - do you not see why this (the disproportionate time he vs you get to yourselves) is a problem, or do you just not care?

If he doesn't see why, you can lay it out along with your expectations going forwards. If he admits he doesn't care, that tells you all you need to know. But even if he doesn't care and has half a brain cell, he will choose option 1 and you can set your new expectations and boundaries.

I'd talk to him seriously and calmly, stating that in no uncertain terms you need equal free time. So if he's out all day Saturday, then you get all day Sunday to do what you want uninterrupted.

This will be non negotiable and starting this weekend.

In all honestly he doesn't really give a shit about you.

Yes, this would be my suggestion too. Go for a lovely coffee and cake somewhere, and explain to him that time for yourself means uninterrupted time, and that needs to be more equal for you both going forward.

Leave the house...and your joint child in his care. Do this every weekend going forward.

Yep.
OP, your H deliberately sabotaged your precious, tiny, rare little bit of time for yourself. The only way you will be able to get that bit in time will be to ensure he can’t, by being out of the house or getting H out of the house with your son.

no it would be his fault. His fault for making you show him that he is an absolute fucker.

alternatively, you take your son and thrust him in DHs arms as soon as training is finished, and zoom off somewhere.
And for sunday? call his mates wife and tell her to be out? or go out with her? leave all the DCs with the men.

I'd fuck off out before he does and not answer my phone. Possibly for the whole weekend.

I am raging on your behalf that he could be so useless when you had explained you wanted a bath.

I'd be telling him that you will be meeting him at the end of training so he can take dc while you have afternoon off

The weekend set up is absolutely unacceptable on a regular basis, with a small child. The bath stuff is obviously shit but the weekend stuff says everything that anyone needs to know about what sort of man he is.

This isn't about you taking time out OP. It's about a man who is supposed to love you seeing how exhausted and burned out you are, and yet not caring enough to say you can have a bath in peace.

His needs will always come before yours.

Do you both have a car each, if you don't is the training close to you? I'd go to watch the end of the training and then when it finishes hand him DS and say DS really wants to be with Daddy don't you ds. Then go do whatever you want. Fuck him and his pissing off to pub with friends when you can't even get a bloody bath in peace.

Great minds think alike! I was literally about to type the same thing!

I find myself infuriated on your behalf OP. When my child was small, I told my DH that I'd had the little one all day, and so he would be taking over while I had a bath, with a glass of wine and read my book. Because he was a DECENT father, he agreed, and it became part of our NIGHTLY routine. Your DH needs to learn how to entertain that child that you are JOINTLY responsible for, so please OP, do as we suggested and take your little one to the end of the football game, and leave him with his father, while you go off and do your own thing.

Glad to hear you've ordered a bolt for the bathroom door!

I managed to hit the “YABU” button by mistake. You are very definitely not being unreasonable. Time for you to read DH the riot act. This is not okay.

People treat you the way you allow them to

Hugs OP. You must be fuming! First things first-you must sort a lock on your bathroom door, I would lose my sanity if mine didn’t lock! Secondly get a lock for your bedroom door too (from the inside) so you can go in and have a rest/watch something/have a cup of tea whilst your husband watches DS. It will save your sanity! Also plan regular breaks for yourself, go for a coffee, to the shops, meet friends or DH can take DS out and you can get the house to yourself.

I think this hits the nail on the head.

Also, humans need both rest and sleep, not one or the other. You need proper recharging time in your waking hours, and some good sleep.

Dreadful behaviour and lazy/zero parenting on behalf of your partner.

either go out now and have an hour or so in a coffee shop or better yet wait until he’s at the pub tomorrow and drop off your son. Just walk in with a breezy, hi Dave, I didn’t get my time last night, so you won’t get yours now. I’m just off out. And walk away leaving your son with him.

i am sure it will focus his mind

I think he'd go mental if I just dropped DS on him. He has always (even before DS) been very clear Saturday is his time. Any time I bring it up he just says you know that's my time. Stop making a fuss.
On a positive note though I am going out with DHs friends wife on Sunday. I think she was surprised but seemed happy to meet. I haven't told DH yet but did remind him to take DS with him. He said yeah we'll see. So have to see how that goes.