Calm me down

[Tootiredmummyof3]

I posted a little while ago about how burnt out I was feeling and got some good advice (I didn't contact SS though if anyone remembers the thread). I did decide to make time for myself.
DH says he's coming home early today so I said great you can watch DS while I have a relaxing bath.
Baby steps but at least it's something. DH moaned a bit but agreed. Comes home at 2. I run my bath, light a candle and am literally just getting in the bath when DS appears in the doorway (no lock unfortunately). I shout for DH to come and get him which he does but 10 minutes later DS is back. I shout for DH (this time less calmly) and tell him to keep an eye on DS. DH says but he wants to be with you, just put him in the bath with you. I said no, this is my time. But he wants you. You want to get in the bath with mummy don't you? DH proceeds to strip DS and puts him in the bath.
I'm fuming my relaxing bath is gone but icing on the cake DS then poos in the bath!
I showered and dressed us both and then went in to our bedroom that does lock to calm down. But I can't. I'm so angry.
This was a rare treat for me as due to DSs needs and DHs work I don't usually get an hour/40 minutes to relax in the bath.
I just wanted a short break to recharge my batteries, but I didn't get it.
Obviously I will have to leave the house if I want a break but it's so cold I just wanted to stop warm.
I don't think I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off at DH (obviously no one's fault DS pooed) for ruining my me time, especially when I know he'll fuck off to his hobby at first light tomorrow?
Someone calm me down please.

I'm really angry on your behalf. He knows how much you want a break, but instead of giving you one, he takes his usual break all Saturday and then areanges to help his friend, instead of you, on Sunday. How does he justify having multiple times the leisure time that you do?

Agreed. Think OP should remind herself and her DH that in event of divorce with shared custody agreement he would have, at least, EOW alone with all DC. She would be mentally better off with one less child (DH) to care for. He needs to start pulling his weight and appreciating her much more or this is exactly how things will go.

"I think he'd go mental if I just dropped DS on him."
It's your DS I feel the most sorry for here, when parents get shitty at each other because he's been 'dumped' on them. How must that feel?

"He has always (even before DS) been very clear Saturday is his time. Any time I bring it up he just says you know that's my time. Stop making a fuss."

This is someone clearly telling you three things:
One: my needs are more important
Two: you're being the problem here
Three: it's never going to change

I haven't told DH yet but did remind him to take DS with him. He said yeah we'll see. So have to see how that goes.

He said "yeah we'll see" sounds more like he's planting the seeds of doubt to prepare you for it to be another resounding "no".

OP, hate to tell you but he's not going to change for you here. No wonder you're burnt out. You're a single parent already.

I have a medical condition which demands rest during the day or I am very ill. I would push myself to the limit and then ask for minimal rest, and my exH would do the sort of thing yours does. Sometimes he would even buffer off to get a quick Kip himself, leaving me to the DC alone, which was even worse medically than not getting my rest!

I waited years for it to change and it never did. I don't think yours will either, and the collateral damage is children feeling unwanted and therefore unloved.

For a few years I sought help externally, like my family and even paid a nanny to take DC for a while so I could rest. That was particularly difficult to swallow when exH was in the house too. Ironically he would actively co-parent with the nanny and stop as soon as she left.

I'm sorry you're facing this, it's pretty shit. Find ways of looking after yourself and your DS, and make sure neither of the two of you are neglected. But I'm afraid you're not going to get help from the place it should be offered.

Agree
Do not calm down
Use it
If that was me I'd stick on a dressing gown
Take son down and put him next to dh on the sofa and stick on cartoons
'Dh this is my time - I'm having bath. I'm sticking something heavy behind the door so no one can get in. Dh - do you understand?'

I really hope DS doesn't feel neglected or unwanted. I'd never want him to feel like that when he's such a lovely, sweet little boy (even though he's hard work).
I am really hoping he will take DS tomorrow as after that he's back to work.

He'd go mental .....but you'd be making a fuss.
He's making this crystal clear ds is totally your responsibility and will do anything to get out of it. - football, drinking - Saturday is mine- dyi on a Sunday that's not even his house.
Not very hands on is he?
Did he want to be a dad?
My dh was brilliant- despite working that many hours he often fell asleep on the sofa after tea, he was the most fantastic and helpful father.
Very hands on and the kids loved him.
And as adult kids that are all great Dads.

Name change fail? Also: hope is not a plan nor is it rational. Of course he won’t take ds with him, or only if there is a convenient woman to look after him. You need to realize your DH doesn’t respect you and will not, as he sees it, put himself out to look after (ugh) your pet—I mean child. These men think children are women’s pets and hobbies. He will only bring his son out when other men give him applause and credit for it. So if, when son is older, other men like him and ask to include him then your dh will take him along to the footy or wherever. Otherwise: he is your problem.

Sadly I agree with the last poster. Your child is an accessory he will whip out when he wants to look good. Apart from that, you'll be left hoping. You had a child with a selfish man child - sadly so many of us do.

Sunday is your time! X

Can you sign your DS up to a regular class that your DH takes him to? Swimming, toddler gym, horse riding, anything where you have to sign up to a course, and it’s near a coffee shop that they can go to afterwards. Sell it to DH as he would be perfect for whatever the class is, lovely bonding time etc., rather than what it is ie a fair exchange of child free time.

I find it depressing in 2025 we have to "sell" the idea of parents parenting their own children. He chose to have a kid, he can deal with the parenting that comes with it. Ffs.

I hear you and completely agree. In this instance, it could be the path of least resistance to get the OP what she needs.

Saturday is his time??! Don't make a fuss??
Don't calm down. Get the Rage.
Decide what you want. Maybe it's divorce. This attitude would be a permanent libido killer for me. And I'd be dropping the dc at the training end time and heading to Paris or at least a good amount of time away locally.
At the very least if he gets "his day" you get yours: Sunday. 8am- 8 pm or whatever pisstake he has Saturday. That's your time. Don't make a fuss. Tell him he knows that's your time.
And knowing he's like this, yes, obviously while it should work to have a bath at home, it won't, nor will anything else at home while he's there, and if he goes out with ds he's likely to come back, since"ds wants mummy" or whatever.
The Rage.
Seriously.

Another vote for this one

You need to say (with a steely glare) however long you're out today, I will be out tomorrow

Go to a swimming pool/spa/shopping for the day. Then have a snooze in the back of the car or check into the cheapest premier inn for the day and have a four hour bath !

@Tootiredmummyof3

We'll see means no.

This is horrible. Your DH is essentially telling you he doesn’t care about your mental health or wellbeing at all. Have you told him you are feeling burnt out? If Saturdays are his time then Sundays are yours. Fwiw I have never heard of a married father going out all Saturday every weekend (unless maybe from a previous generation but even then not great) to hang out with mates and go to the pub.