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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calm me down

119 replies

Tootiredmummyof3 · 10/01/2025 16:42

I posted a little while ago about how burnt out I was feeling and got some good advice (I didn't contact SS though if anyone remembers the thread). I did decide to make time for myself.
DH says he's coming home early today so I said great you can watch DS while I have a relaxing bath.
Baby steps but at least it's something. DH moaned a bit but agreed. Comes home at 2. I run my bath, light a candle and am literally just getting in the bath when DS appears in the doorway (no lock unfortunately). I shout for DH to come and get him which he does but 10 minutes later DS is back. I shout for DH (this time less calmly) and tell him to keep an eye on DS. DH says but he wants to be with you, just put him in the bath with you. I said no, this is my time. But he wants you. You want to get in the bath with mummy don't you? DH proceeds to strip DS and puts him in the bath.
I'm fuming my relaxing bath is gone but icing on the cake DS then poos in the bath!
I showered and dressed us both and then went in to our bedroom that does lock to calm down. But I can't. I'm so angry.
This was a rare treat for me as due to DSs needs and DHs work I don't usually get an hour/40 minutes to relax in the bath.
I just wanted a short break to recharge my batteries, but I didn't get it.
Obviously I will have to leave the house if I want a break but it's so cold I just wanted to stop warm.
I don't think I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off at DH (obviously no one's fault DS pooed) for ruining my me time, especially when I know he'll fuck off to his hobby at first light tomorrow?
Someone calm me down please.

OP posts:
BlossomOfOrange · 10/01/2025 23:04

Only sympathy here. Happened a lot in my house. Still does and my kids are now tweens/teens. Have also had two online job interviews and one exam interrupted in the same way and for the exact same reason. I have little respect for the man

Choccyscofffy · 10/01/2025 23:06

Sorry but your husband is a complete dickhead.

Could you lock the bathroom door next time?

TimeForTeaAndG · 10/01/2025 23:18

So his entire Saturday is protected, sacred, his time but you can't even get 2 hours alone in a bath? Fuck that for a game of soldiers! I'd be heading off on a Friday night and reappearing some time never with that attitude!

Ohnobackagain · 10/01/2025 23:20

@Tootiredmummyof3 Saturday - his time. Sunday - your time. Or no Saturday for him.

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 10/01/2025 23:20

Temporaryname158 · 10/01/2025 22:49

Dreadful behaviour and lazy/zero parenting on behalf of your partner.

either go out now and have an hour or so in a coffee shop or better yet wait until he’s at the pub tomorrow and drop off your son. Just walk in with a breezy, hi Dave, I didn’t get my time last night, so you won’t get yours now. I’m just off out. And walk away leaving your son with him.

i am sure it will focus his mind

Ooh yeah l like this - punishment fits the crime!

fivebyfivebuffy · 10/01/2025 23:36

Tootiredmummyof3 · 10/01/2025 23:04

I think he'd go mental if I just dropped DS on him. He has always (even before DS) been very clear Saturday is his time. Any time I bring it up he just says you know that's my time. Stop making a fuss.
On a positive note though I am going out with DHs friends wife on Sunday. I think she was surprised but seemed happy to meet. I haven't told DH yet but did remind him to take DS with him. He said yeah we'll see. So have to see how that goes.

Perfect then Sunday is your time, the full day

SalmonEile · 10/01/2025 23:38

Tootiredmummyof3 · 10/01/2025 23:04

I think he'd go mental if I just dropped DS on him. He has always (even before DS) been very clear Saturday is his time. Any time I bring it up he just says you know that's my time. Stop making a fuss.
On a positive note though I am going out with DHs friends wife on Sunday. I think she was surprised but seemed happy to meet. I haven't told DH yet but did remind him to take DS with him. He said yeah we'll see. So have to see how that goes.

I suspect it’s easier said than done but if he can “be clear that Saturday is his time” then hopefully you can find a way to be clear about your time.
he wasn’t worried about you going mental when he happily put your DC in your bath
you need to take back time for yourself and that needs to be out of the house unfortunately because he’ll just do the “awww but he wants yooouuu” even if you lock the door

MeltingSky · 10/01/2025 23:54

What an utter cock. If anyone told me "Saturday is my time" when kids are involved I would opt out of the relationship entirely.

ForOliveDog · 11/01/2025 00:06

He’s taking the piss isn’t he? He knows your burnt out and exhausted and yet is going to ‘help his friend with DIY’ on Sunday?! Friends DIY is more important than his wife’s sanity. I’m enraged on your behalf aswell OP! He’s a selfish prick honestly and I would tell him he can come home after coaching, give you a break and either take little one with him Sunday or stay home with him while you go out! Does he spend any quality time with his child?!

Fishandchipsareyum · 11/01/2025 00:14

This is horrendous and abusive. Sorry your husband is so inconsiderate and awful to you.

pikkumyy77 · 11/01/2025 00:19

He can coach and have his child, can’t he? Tell him to take ds to the footy and you go iut sat morning. Can’t he manage? Of course he can.

Penguinface · 11/01/2025 00:23

Tootiredmummyof3 · 10/01/2025 23:04

I think he'd go mental if I just dropped DS on him. He has always (even before DS) been very clear Saturday is his time. Any time I bring it up he just says you know that's my time. Stop making a fuss.
On a positive note though I am going out with DHs friends wife on Sunday. I think she was surprised but seemed happy to meet. I haven't told DH yet but did remind him to take DS with him. He said yeah we'll see. So have to see how that goes.

When he says "Saturday is my time", can you cone back with "That was before kids. That doesn't work anymore. "

I really feel for you as my DH was absolutely like this when the kids were young. They wanted to be with me and he knew it and used it. He did get better as they got older.

If it helps, lay it on thick. Burst into tears, say "I can't go on", etc etc. Get him to realise that things have to change.

Bleachbum · 11/01/2025 00:43

Tootiredmummyof3 · 10/01/2025 18:33

The problem with going out tomorrow is that he obviously is supposed to do the training in the morning. He'd be letting down everyone by not turning up and it would be my fault. And I don't have an issue with the training, it's the rest of the day.
I have texted his friends wife about Sunday so waiting to hear back.from her. I might also see if one of my other friends are free next Friday night.
Thing is DS adores DH, he's probably his favourite but DS is hard work , which is why I wanted a break.

I’d be rocking up at the end of training with my DS saying “DS really wants to hang out with Daddy now, don’t you darling”. Then jumping back in the car and taking myself off to a little hotel for the day/night.

Lovelybitofsquirrel3 · 11/01/2025 00:46

You could suggest he cancels his hobby tomorrow and you use that time for yourself?

Merryoldgoat · 11/01/2025 00:54

You don’t get to have immutable time when you have a family. It’s entirely unreasonable for one person to be gone all day Saturday every week.

These bastard selfish men.

poemsandwine · 11/01/2025 01:13

Selfish bastard. You should book into a hotel very soon and have a wonderful bath and a long think.

Temporaryname158 · 11/01/2025 07:55

I think you have a bigger problem than burn out based on what you’ve updated.

hes selfish with no care for you, your health or your son. I’d offer him an ultimatum and mean it. You have time to yourself this Sunday and every Sunday there after otherwise you will divorce him.

you will get more respite if divorced than when you do married which is sad as he cares so little for your wellbeing (I talk from experience as I had a husband exactly the same)

WonderingWanda · 11/01/2025 07:58

Anonym00se · 10/01/2025 17:00

What’s his hobby? Take DS in the morning and stick him on the middle of the centre circle/on the back of his bike/whatever and walk away shouting “But DS wants you”.

Do this 100%. Your husband is either astonishingly selfish or being a prick on purpose.

Nessastats · 11/01/2025 08:20

Sunday is your time then. all day, every Sunday.

DO NOT take your son with you out with the friend. There's no point negotiating with this arsehole. He doesn't care that you're on your knees. If you burnout, the whole house goes down with you so you need to do something now to prevent burning out.

He needs to know how serious this is.

LeavesOnTrees · 11/01/2025 08:44

So he doesn't even care about spending time with his son either. That's so sad.
I'd point out to him that he's a crap father.

He'd have to give up every other weekend if you divorced.
I'd go mental on him.

ChocoChocoLatte · 11/01/2025 09:05

If he gets Saturdays, you get Sundays. Non negotiable.

What an entitled manchild he is and what a shocking example he'll set for your son sadly.

Brefugee · 11/01/2025 09:15

I think he'd go mental if I just dropped DS on him. He has always (even before DS) been very clear Saturday is his time

so let him go mental. Then you can point out how you didn't go mental when he ruined your small amount of you time. And that from here on in if he is getting him-time, you get an equal and unencumbered amount of you time. That might include a couple of baths spread over a week, or Saturday after football, or time on Sunday or whatever.

But you are as deserving of you-time as he is. And he needs to learn to parent his son. There are a billion good reasons for this. Mostly because he is his son't parent.

MissDoubleU · 11/01/2025 10:35

Tootiredmummyof3 · 10/01/2025 23:04

I think he'd go mental if I just dropped DS on him. He has always (even before DS) been very clear Saturday is his time. Any time I bring it up he just says you know that's my time. Stop making a fuss.
On a positive note though I am going out with DHs friends wife on Sunday. I think she was surprised but seemed happy to meet. I haven't told DH yet but did remind him to take DS with him. He said yeah we'll see. So have to see how that goes.

“Sunday is my time” will be your response and you take every bit as long as he does on a Saturday. Don’t come home until you’re good and ready, turn your phone on silent and ignore it. He’s their father, it’s his turn. Stand your ground. “You know Sunday is my time” repeat as often as necessary when you’re home again.

BlueSilverCats · 11/01/2025 10:43

@Tootiredmummyof3 maybe you should go mental too rather than trying to calm down and quietly seething.

You’re worried about his reaction and change your behaviour accordingly, whereas he doesn't give a shit about yours.

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 11/01/2025 10:43

When you reminded him to take DS with him on Sunday, and he said 'yeah we'll see', you KNOW that he was saying 'not on your life', don't you OP? You also know, that you and his friend's wife will end up taking your son with you when you go out, as your 'H' will conveniently be 'too busy', and rely on your not throwing a wobbly in front of his friend and his wife.

You say that he would 'go mental' if you dropped your DS with him at the end of football training, which clearly indicates to me that you're not going to do it. So while you probably won't want to hear this OP, why are you being so wet? Are you scared of this man? If so, you don't just need 'me time', you NEED to leave him if you're frightened of his reaction when forced to care for his own child. What does he actually bring to your life?