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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

489 replies

butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 16:35

DH earns well, not loads but realistically is always going to be more than me.

So as a result it’s naturally meant my career has had to take a back seat. I know some manage without any compromises but we’ve no additional support and someone does need to do the child related things so this lands on me.

its very much diamond shoes are too tight. And I know this. But sometimes I wish I had the luxury of working more.

OP posts:
PicturePlace · 10/01/2025 18:42

butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 17:47

@HotCrossBunplease i often see ‘move’ thrown out as a solution to so many things and honestly it doesn’t account for the fact that it’s hugely expensive and inconvenient!

Childminders aside, if I was to really want to progress I’d have to be around work a lot. I’d need to be prepared to do a lot of late nights for events and so on and that’s just not going to be easy.

In many ways it is how it is. There’s no point insisting we all move and children move schools / nurseries for a career promotion I might not even get!

You really don't want any solutions, do you?

blueshoes · 10/01/2025 18:42

Sproutypickle · 10/01/2025 18:41

It’s about accepting you really can’t have it all and being OK with that. It really is impossible to have it all without missing out on the majority of your kid’s childhood. When you’re about to kick the bucket it’s probably not all the time you spent with your kids that you will regret.

This isn’t sexist advice because it also applies to men who take a step back.

It really is impossible to have it all without missing out on the majority of your kid’s childhood.

How do you feel about missing out on your kids' childhood once they started school? Must hurt.

DBSFstupid · 10/01/2025 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Actually it’s you that need to ‘grow up’. This is a forum with different experiences and different problems. In this case it was deemed a problem by the OP and important enough to feel the need to post about it and get some advice. Lashing out isn’t the way to go and is frankly immature.

colinshmolin · 10/01/2025 18:43

I completely get you. Dh earns 80k I was earning 30k working in social services. Whe our son was born disabled something had to change, it was a no brainier that I would give up work to care for our son . When ds went to school I was able to get a part time job but I no longer have a career. And my pension was low. I realised at some point that dh paid more into his pension than my monthly wage. I now pay 50% of my earnings into my pension .

NoKnit · 10/01/2025 18:43

InfoSecInTheCity · 10/01/2025 18:13

But you've just articulated exactly why it didn't make sense to give up your part time job.

Yes, for a short time childcare costs would have wiped out most of the household income contributed from your job, but once that childcare burden reduced that would have been extra income into the household and you would have had continuity of employment, enabling you to continue to progress, building flexibility with your employer.

When DD was very little, our nursery fees were 3 times our mortgage and in order to pay it we had to reduce our costs to absolute basics. DH was earning about £21k and I was on about £25k. It was very very tight. By the time DD started school, we'd had a couple of years with some funded hours which had reduced the monthly childcare costs, I'd tripled my salary and because I'd built a good reputation and relationships at work I was able to flex my hours to allow for school drop off and events and working from home.

Show quote history

I should have stressed more financially it wasn't the issue. We could have survived on just my salary. The money we earned (yes it's a fair bit more than the amounts you've mentioned but that doesn't matter) it's more of a case of what to do when kids are sick, the random school inset days off, school holidays etc etc. We have no family in the country where we live. Also who is organising all the school stuff and homework etc? It's was less stress on our family for me not to work we didn't need the money at all and still don't.

PicturePlace · 10/01/2025 18:44

butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 17:57

I don’t think I’m unhappy @mumda but I am trapped in a job I don’t like very much which is a bit frustrating in many ways.

So get a different job.

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/01/2025 18:45

Sproutypickle · 10/01/2025 18:41

It’s about accepting you really can’t have it all and being OK with that. It really is impossible to have it all without missing out on the majority of your kid’s childhood. When you’re about to kick the bucket it’s probably not all the time you spent with your kids that you will regret.

This isn’t sexist advice because it also applies to men who take a step back.

Of course it's sexist because it rarely applies to men yet women are told it all of the time.

I didn't take a step back and I'm not missing out on the majority of my DC's childhood.

ScottishDora · 10/01/2025 18:46

I see what you mean op whilst we don't have children yet I know when the time comes we can survive without my salary we can't without his, so the priority will be protecting his job.

KnutsfordCityLimits · 10/01/2025 18:46

I'm not sure whether anyone's mentioned Claudia Goldin who won an economics Nobel prize for her work around women's inequality in the workplace. She talks about "greedy jobs", which are those that if you have a family make it impossible for the other partner to be able to work that way as well, which she says explains a lot of the gender gap, which is in fact a motherhood gap -
timharford.com/2023/11/why-are-some-jobs-so-greedy/

blueshoes · 10/01/2025 18:48

PicturePlace · 10/01/2025 18:42

You really don't want any solutions, do you?

Show quote history

Childminders aside, if I was to really want to progress I’d have to be around work a lot. I’d need to be prepared to do a lot of late nights for events and so on and that’s just not going to be easy.

I assume this is not mega bucks we are talking about just a decent salary that is more than your current one. For example, a job in marketing/events. People who do these jobs will have families that will need to have the other parent also in employment. Otherwise it will be one of those industries that only have young people with no commitments in it.

Others have done it. You can too. But you need to research and put yourself out there and interview for real life jobs, talk to people, rather than let your pre-conceived assumptions get in the way of a solution.

PicturePlace · 10/01/2025 18:48

butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 18:07

If I was to progress career wise I would need to be prepared to work very long hours. Not necessarily all of the time but some
of the time, leave late and get in early. And that just isn’t doable with a husband away and little children. That’s OK - but it is limiting and right not my problem is that I can’t work full time due to wraparound but also I can’t leave a job I don’t like!

You are catastrophising about hypotheticals now. Of course we all need to work late sometimes. When that happens, the other parent steps up, or you work after the kids are in bed. What mystical job do you do that means you can't have a career and kids? Because the rest of us seem to manage it. Stop making excuses.

PicturePlace · 10/01/2025 18:49

butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 18:12

I don’t know why you’re getting so angry @PicturePlace . The point is DH can’t because half the time he isn’t here, so it falls on me. I’m not saying I can’t do it - the opposite.

However, if I was to pursue my career it would lead to a lot of late nights and if DH isn’t here and I have to stay at work till half seven, then what happens? That’s a rhetorical question by the way!

Don't stay in work til 7.30, so.

PicturePlace · 10/01/2025 18:51

It doesn’t work like that @PicturePlace . I kind of do feel like you’re just being unnecessarily argumentative. But for the sake of it - so DH has to be in Poland in march. I have two events in my hypothetical promoted position that week which mean I have to stay at work until half seven so getting home by eight. Who is going to pick my older child up from school, and my younger from nursery?

But you're just making situations up!

Move to a town, get childcare, have a career. Problem solved.

Celestialwish · 10/01/2025 18:51

Wow OP. I wish I had this problem!
This reeks of entitlement. Meanwhile in the real world, people are struggling to heat their homes, struggling to afford a home, afford food, and countless other real problems. If you think that this is an actual problem, you seriously need a wake-up call. 🙄

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 10/01/2025 18:51

It's not impossible it's priorities.

If you died he'd have to figure it out and he would.

For your scenario in March you find a babysitter or even ask a school friend.

I've helped out others before. My ds has complex special needs so I couldn't request in return often but a few times here and there people have been able to help me out.

On the flip side if he died you'd have to figure this out too and you would manage because you have to.

I know these are dark scenarios but I speak from experience. If you had to you could. You're in a much better position than most.

Bbqnights · 10/01/2025 18:52

ScottishDora · 10/01/2025 18:46

I see what you mean op whilst we don't have children yet I know when the time comes we can survive without my salary we can't without his, so the priority will be protecting his job.

But what do you mean by protecting his job? If a man in a senior role gets sacked for taking days off when his kids are sick or for leaving on time to do the nursery run, they're probably not that good at their job.

PicturePlace · 10/01/2025 18:54

NoBodyIdRatherBe · 10/01/2025 18:26

I get where you are coming from! No one is going to employee someone for ad hoc sick days, taking them to swimming or to the park after school, making the pack lunches in the morning and attending parents evenings. Keeping up with the emails, permission slips and dress down days can sometimes feel like a job in itself. I doubt your husband has the mental load for that when he’s already doing quite a high-pressure job. Naturally somebody’s got to pick up the slack. I know there were plenty of amazing women out there that hold down a full-time high pressure job while also taking on the full mental load, but I don’t think anyone could argue that it’s not incredibly difficult.

It's obviously not a job in and of itself. Jesus Christ, the rest of us manage to work and have kids. It's not rocket science. Stop enabling this sexist message that people can't have two careers, and that one needs to take a back seat. Absolute rubbish.

DogPot · 10/01/2025 18:54

🎻. Worlds tiniest violin…

Read
The
Room
OP
🙄

OneBadKitty · 10/01/2025 18:55

I was in the same situation- I relished being able to look after my child and do all the child things- why else would I have bothered having them if that was a chore and working was preferable?

DogPot · 10/01/2025 18:55

Celestialwish · 10/01/2025 18:51

Wow OP. I wish I had this problem!
This reeks of entitlement. Meanwhile in the real world, people are struggling to heat their homes, struggling to afford a home, afford food, and countless other real problems. If you think that this is an actual problem, you seriously need a wake-up call. 🙄

This ⬆️. Many times over…

PicturePlace · 10/01/2025 18:55

butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 18:30

@lolly792 i haven’t complained people are being harsh at all. I have suggested to one poster a conversation might be easier if she read my replies. But it’s AIBU; ofc people are harsh.

I know a lot of childminders (and wouldn’t send my children to any of them incidentally) and I certainly don’t know any at all that work until 730.

Well you might have to look a bit harder if you actually want to solve your problem.

Bbqnights · 10/01/2025 18:56

OneBadKitty · 10/01/2025 18:55

I was in the same situation- I relished being able to look after my child and do all the child things- why else would I have bothered having them if that was a chore and working was preferable?

Why do men bother having children if they're going to work?

CheesePerlease · 10/01/2025 18:56

My OH is a high earner. When they are around they would always do a dropoff, or pickup from school.

You need to check out what jobs can be.dobe from home,.and work towards getting one of those. Plus live between a primary and secondary school (v.close to them).

This is how we managed. Then take all the before and after school clubs 🤣

lolly792 · 10/01/2025 18:57

@OneBadKitty miaow!!

No, those of us with careers don't find looking after our children 'a chore' and working preferable. We just realise that we're good at both - and both are enjoyable!

ManchesterPie · 10/01/2025 18:57

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It’s not a race to the bottom. Some people have concerns that don’t include using food banks🤷‍♂️

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