To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

[butteronthebread]

DH earns well, not loads but realistically is always going to be more than me.

So as a result it’s naturally meant my career has had to take a back seat. I know some manage without any compromises but we’ve no additional support and someone does need to do the child related things so this lands on me.

its very much diamond shoes are too tight. And I know this. But sometimes I wish I had the luxury of working more.

I see what is happening here. It's called self-obstacling. It's when someone is afraid they will fail, so places barriers in their own way, i.e. reasons they can't try.

There's lots of great advice on here, OP, if you want to take it. The only person keeping you in a job you don't like and in a rural area is you.

It's a shame that OP's DH can't be bothered to the point he works away so much. Or does it only apply to mothers?

I think it's a perfectly valid concern. DH was making double my pay or more when we had DC, so I stepped back with a four day work week and doing all the pickups, etc. Yet I was extremely ambitious and my career is more of a vocation and passion to me, while his is more of a grind but handsomely paid because of specialised skills. I found the whole situation really shitty and sometimes wished I was the higher earner. His job always came first, and still does, even though I've had more success than he has as far as rising to the top of our professions. And because he makes more, he still sometimes treats my job like it's a hobby. I'm in the top 2% of earners and known in my industry. He's a foot soldier at his, but he's a top 1% earner. It continues to give him a get-out clause for doing anything domestic, because he feels like he's the provider. If I hadn't cared about my job, it might have been easier. At one stage I was paying to work because of the childcare and travel costs. But it was my vocation/identity and I wouldn't have stopped.

Unfortunately for the 3.12 million of us in the UK in the last two year, it is a concern.

He's very good at his job and probably has more flexibility than me but when it starts to affect the business or things aren't getting done cause can't stay late or whatever the wheels come off and the shit hits the fan. And I'm sure there will be times where we can look at what we both have on that day and say I can work from home or it won't be a problem for me to stay home today but the issue is the times where you both have stuff you need to attend who's bridges do you burn? In an ideal world no one's but we don't live in an ideal world, sacrifices need to be made it's balancing out the greater good and being able to pay your bills every month is the greater good.

The thing is OP, full-time work and having children is tough as hell.

For everyone.

You take one step at a time. First you get the better job that you want. Then deep breaths, then you work out how to make it work, as a family, not just you doing everything.

Buy in some help, do some of your work (or all from home)

One step at a time.

Or says it's too difficult and enjoy what you have.

Agree that it's not a race to the bottom but it's in poor taste to post exact salaries. But I'm biased; I work with children whose families need to use food banks, who have no housing security at the mercy of vile landlords, who need support with furniture and warm coats and shoes for their child and whose parents are on minimum wage with one parent working nights and the other days which is grim for family life. So my sympathy for OP in the way she has presented this is relatively limited.

It's not tough as hell! What are you all doing that's so difficult?! Get home, make dinner, put kids in bed.

Can feel like a job. How is realism sexist? I don’t think it should be the women the steps back, both parents should but the world isn’t set up like that. Anyone earning 6 figures walking out of a big meeting to pick up their sick kid would not go down well. My highest earning female friend is only able to do her job because her husband works from home and does most of the mental load.

That's shit. It makes me feel lucky that my OH has supported me in my career, despite me earning less than him sometimes.

@PicturePlace exactly. The OP will throw up barriers whatever is suggested.

With her most recent post about knowing loads of childminders 'but I wouldn't leave my kids with any of them', you can just see how it's playing out.

Even if she did bite the bullet and move the family somewhere less rural with childminders on the doorstep and better career opportunities, she'd find fault with all the childcare options.

The fact is, some people would rather remain in their comfort zone but whinge about it rather than making changes. Sounds more and more like the OP likes the dh earning almost 100k, likes the lifestyle it brings and wouldn't want to get a job herself that would involve the work and time away that her dh's does. But she's also resentful of having a part time job and doing more domestic stuff. You just can't win with some people.

To be fair, OP didn't initially post exact salaries. She was asked multiple times.

You haven’t answered my question about the extent to which you really understand what your DH’s [lack of] options are. Are you blindly taking his word for it?

I dont think it has to be by the woman no but in my situation it's by the person who isn't paying the bills.

There's probably loads of situations where the situation is reversed but as this is predominantly female site we don't hear about them as much.

I'm not advocating giving up, and the last thing I would do is give up work but I'm merely sympathetic to the ops current situation where something has to give.

If he earns close to £600k, you absolutely can afford a nanny. That’s almost £800k with your salary added in.

However, this is nothing to do with marrying someone who out earns you considerably and everything to do with marrying a bit of an arse.

Someone very famous ( a woman) once said " As women we can have it all... just not all at once".

You’re on the wrong thread! This DH earns just under 100k.

I don't mean the childcare part, I mean balancing everything.

For example, when the children were younger and I had to leave work at X time on the dot, and my boss wouldn't allow me to leave a minute earlier...the after school activities used to finish at 4.30, and my boss wouldn't let me leave my job before 4.00...I had to run to the car park, and speed to get to school in time.

Nowadays there is more WFH, but I remember the primary school days.

Balancing the stress of a full-time job, and being a parent is hard.

Spending quality time with your children, cooking them a healthy meal, doing their homework and reading, all these things after a day at work were tiring for me.

Perhaps you have a higher battery charge,or lower expectations?

Of course you can. Sexism in society just makes it harder.

This is the same for men though, surely, if you have a good partnership, we have to manage our energy and time in the directions we choose.

Which equates to 4% of the population therefore 96% of the population do not use food banks and should be able to discuss things that affect them without being criticised for having more money than others.