To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

[butteronthebread]

DH earns well, not loads but realistically is always going to be more than me.

So as a result it’s naturally meant my career has had to take a back seat. I know some manage without any compromises but we’ve no additional support and someone does need to do the child related things so this lands on me.

its very much diamond shoes are too tight. And I know this. But sometimes I wish I had the luxury of working more.

There is no way on gods green earth we could afford that @blueshoes 😂

It’s always a balance and compromise OP. I don’t think it’s a given that a higher earners job takes precedence and I know lots of men who are higher earners who still do a good chunk of school runs etc so their partners can carry on working.

Well - I do! Because I can’t make DH quit, and nor would I want to.

I understand this. We do okay but we still need all the money we can get to pay for childcare (and we're not currently saving anything at all) so it's important we bring in as much as we can.

I counted myself lucky that DH and I were earning the same so we swapped who was at home with the young toddlers. I then started earning a bit more so I could say I wanted to do FT while DH did PT yo look after the kids and it made financial sense so he agreed. It's allowed my career to progress to a point I should be able to get a more senior role. If DH had been earning a lot more, we would have just relied on his income.

I get where you are coming from! No one is going to employee someone for ad hoc sick days, taking them to swimming or to the park after school, making the pack lunches in the morning and attending parents evenings. Keeping up with the emails, permission slips and dress down days can sometimes feel like a job in itself. I doubt your husband has the mental load for that when he’s already doing quite a high-pressure job. Naturally somebody’s got to pick up the slack. I know there were plenty of amazing women out there that hold down a full-time high pressure job while also taking on the full mental load, but I don’t think anyone could argue that it’s not incredibly difficult.

Of course you don't. Does DH know that you dislike your job and want to do something else? If he doesn't, surely he wouldn't want to continue knowing that you are unhappy and want a career?

In your hypothetical situation, you find a childminder who will do until 7:30 when you need it. Which is all entirely possible. Yes it might mean moving to a less rural area but that's a choice. Dh and I often had events that meant we needed to be at work very early or late and Sod's Law they often clashed - so we used childcare that fitted our needs. And this was god knows how many years ago when childcare was less available generally.

Or you can discuss with your dh how he can change to work which involves being away less.

I'd bet my bottom dollar he can find work which involves less travel - it just might not be on 100k salary! But then you can work more and things will be more equal.

You can either make changes or sit and moan about the life choices that have led to this point.

You're complaining that people are being harsh, but only because you seem to want to remain with the status quo rather than do anything to change it

OP you'll just have to ignore the posters who can't see past their envy.
I understand what you are saying. I think that where partners have equivalent earning potential, the ground is set for a happier split of all other household and parental duties, and this is a happier basis for a marriage/family overall, all other things being equal. It's not insurmountable if everyone's on board with righting the imbalance, but it's certainly harder.

What envy?

@lolly792 i haven’t complained people are being harsh at all. I have suggested to one poster a conversation might be easier if she read my replies. But it’s AIBU; ofc people are harsh.

I know a lot of childminders (and wouldn’t send my children to any of them incidentally) and I certainly don’t know any at all that work until 730.

But it’s obviously never DH saying he can’t go away that week because butter has work stuff on. Default is he will go, and you can lump it.

What would happen if you had to go into hospital? Would he still HAVE to go to Poland? What if you separated - would he suddenly find he could be home more to have a regular contact schedule?

oh poor u! we feel so bad for you, for needing to take care of your own kids! that's really sad, i'm sorry it wasn't your option to have them and all. this is ridiculous, there's people with actual real problems in the world you know. if this was everyone's problems we would all be very happy

My dh earns twice what I do but we both value my career as much as his. I do more of the school stuff as I mainly wfh but I also need to travel for work and when I do dh has to step in. And he does. In my experience most men can work more flexibly than they do.

If you read what you just wrote, you have just made it sound impossible:

• "relentlessly" - no, you just find a new job ideally close to your new home and perform it.
• "move the children" - Yeah children move. Mine did and they adapted fine. The older one is starting school anyway so going to move anyway. They are hardly at critical education years like Year 5/6, GCSE or A level.
• "after school club five days a week" - you can use live-in childcare or arrange for someone local to collect them from school and stay with them, make them snacks and entertain them until you come home. Your new job won't be late nights 5 days a week.

You seem to expect this 'balance' to somehow fall into your lap with minimum effort on your part.

@blueshoes i am sorry but you’re making live in childcare sound affordable and to most people it just isn’t.

I think it would be nice in an ideal world if there was more equality at home. I know that trying for a career is not practical at the moment. I would end up failing on all counts. I think I can voice that there is an imbalance without being blamed for it or being told I can, it’s all just in my mind.

I think the key here is what his attitude is towards your career. If he supports you and is prepared to get additional help e.g. cleaner / childcare as and when needed OR he steps up more ?

You said there weren't any childminders earlier - now you apparently know loads of them. If you wouldn't send your kids to any of them anyway, it's all theoretical isn't it? If you can't find childcare you're happy with, it's difficult to both work full stop!

Have you looked into it?

If your dh earns 100K and which is a multiple of what you earn, your salary could pay for the nanny. Yes, it could be at a loss but as I said, people do take a financial hit.

A live in nanny earns less than a live out nanny. That is what we did when the dcs were young. We took the hit on privacy as the price for the family to have 2 ft working parents. Once the youngest was 11, we did not need it anymore.

Again, you sound very naive. You can earn a good bit over 100k without losing childcare, as your pension contributions don't count (I could earn £112k before losing childcare tax allowance).

But it depends entirely on what work hours they do. If they are doing shift work, or need to travel, there’s little opportunity for it to be fair on a day to day or even week to week basis.

My DH worked a 10 day pattern, so I had no room to flex my hours around that, I just needed to work p/t because his shifts never reliably allowed me to compress hours or something, not with young children.

@butteronthebread police 🙂

Do you have a streak of perfectionism in you?

Why do you think you would be 'failing' on all counts as opposed to being 'good enough' on a number of fronts?

You should look into the cost and availability of live-in childcare before dismissing it.

It’s about accepting you really can’t have it all and being OK with that. It really is impossible to have it all without missing out on the majority of your kid’s childhood. When you’re about to kick the bucket it’s probably not all the time you spent with your kids that you will regret.

This isn’t sexist advice because it also applies to men who take a step back.