To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

[butteronthebread]

DH earns well, not loads but realistically is always going to be more than me.

So as a result it’s naturally meant my career has had to take a back seat. I know some manage without any compromises but we’ve no additional support and someone does need to do the child related things so this lands on me.

its very much diamond shoes are too tight. And I know this. But sometimes I wish I had the luxury of working more.

I know and I don’t think I am! But I have realised how you can get sort of trapped in a situation and then can’t really get out of it - and yes, I thought I was smarter than that!

@PicturePlace if you aren’t going to read my responses, it’s pointless answering to be honest.

What?!?! Of course you can work full time and still make dinner and put the kids to bed. For the love of God!

Hard agree with this.

Are there no nurseries in the area too? Most of them offer wraparound childcare.

I don’t know why you’re getting so angry @PicturePlace . The point is DH can’t because half the time he isn’t here, so it falls on me. I’m not saying I can’t do it - the opposite.

However, if I was to pursue my career it would lead to a lot of late nights and if DH isn’t here and I have to stay at work till half seven, then what happens? That’s a rhetorical question by the way!

If you were travelling all of the time how do you split the housework and childcare?

The travelling partner would do more when they're home. Simples.

Ffs people are allowed problems even if others have it worse - it's like saying to those who rely on food banks that they can't complain because gaza.

I don’t see why you have to take a back seat.

both DH and I have high flying jobs but we work together to make it work.

But you've just articulated exactly why it didn't make sense to give up your part time job.

Yes, for a short time childcare costs would have wiped out most of the household income contributed from your job, but once that childcare burden reduced that would have been extra income into the household and you would have had continuity of employment, enabling you to continue to progress, building flexibility with your employer.

When DD was very little, our nursery fees were 3 times our mortgage and in order to pay it we had to reduce our costs to absolute basics. DH was earning about £21k and I was on about £25k. It was very very tight. By the time DD started school, we'd had a couple of years with some funded hours which had reduced the monthly childcare costs, I'd tripled my salary and because I'd built a good reputation and relationships at work I was able to flex my hours to allow for school drop off and events and working from home.

What a nasty first reply.
Whilst there's worse things going on in the world it doesn't mean OP can't be feeling shit about things and want to come on and have a moan and talk it through with people. Should we all just never speak about anything else at the absolute bottom of life.

There will always be someone doing better and always someone doing worse. Don't make it so people feel like they can't talk about any kind of struggle for the fear of being ridiculed like this

Can you have a longer term plan for what's next to give you a bit of hope that you wont be trapped in it forever.

The type of support older children need is very different for a start. And sometimes a dh has been supported in their career for 10 odd years and are now at the point they are respected enough to flex thier hours. Or they feel ready to move sideways. Sometimes the early/mid career is the most rigid time.

You can get out of it. Move from that rural location to one that has access to better childcare for a start. That is not difficult.

I suspect you don't want to either to incur the hassle or 'outsource' parenting to nannies or childminders.

You might even get access to a better job or move closer to work.

Those are logistics we had to work out as a pt/ft and then ft/ft couple. It completely influenced where we lived, how long a commute each had to do and how close were we to the dcs' schools.

You either get cracking with your dh to plan out the logistics and make some changes or you can wallow in the injustice of being edged out of career progression as the lower wage earner.

People do hire nannies at a financial loss/hit to preserve their career progression until the dcs no longer need such expensive childcare.

Question is how much do you want it to go for it. You seem quite passive and defeatist navel-gazing in your approach.

It doesn’t work like that @PicturePlace . I kind of do feel like you’re just being unnecessarily argumentative. But for the sake of it - so DH has to be in Poland in march. I have two events in my hypothetical promoted position that week which mean I have to stay at work until half seven so getting home by eight. Who is going to pick my older child up from school, and my younger from nursery?

And while it might be possible to cobble something together the honest truth is you need more than that with very young children. Bar very occasional emergencies a parent has to be here and because of the discrepancies in earnings that parent is me.

That salary is a nightmare in itself and could be a post all by itself. Ridiculous situation that acts as a huge disincentive!

Sounds like excuses. Nothing is holding you back - if you wanted it you'd make it happen.

What would your career have been if you married a poor man?

Please stop this. Its just nonsense.

Trying to have a well paid job is not incompatible with having children.
In fact I do think it's good for them.
What do you tell your girls at secondary they need to absolute achieve their best when you gave up work?

We are both in well paid roles. It was tough when kids were small, as no family help but you can make it happen if both people are on the same page.

Our kids are teens now and so far doing very well at school, are happy and want to have good jobs/ careers in the future.
It's not what you say, it's what they see you do.

So as a result it’s naturally meant my career has had to take a back seat.

This doesn’t make any sense to me at all.

Billy Big Job thinks his career is more important is all this comes down to. Earnings are irrelevant. Your career is important to you.

Didn't you say that if you were both working full time, you'd be able to afford a nanny?

@blueshoes if I do it’s because I’ve long since accepted this is how things are.

There needs to be a balance. I could relentlessly pursue my career and insist we all move, move the children, have them in after school club five days a week but you’re right and I don’t want it that much. But a bit more balance would probably be good.

No, I didn’t. (I do work.)

Stump up for a nanny, ideally a live in nanny, which will be cheaper than live-out. With travelling and those hours, you need live in childcare.

Salaries aside, I do think it's hard for both parents to have jobs that involve a lot of travel / irregular hours. My DH earns more than me and has to travel fairly regularly, but I'm able to work full time in a well paid job too because it's local and generally 9-5. And when DH isn't travelling, he's doing his fair share of nursery runs and sick days. Also, he'll push back on work trips if they clash with an important work event I have. His job doesn't always automatically take priority.

You sacrificing a career and staying in a job you hate isn't a balance, it's DH not making any changes at all and you giving up everything. It isn't fair and it doesn't have to be the case.

You don't have to accept it.