To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

[butteronthebread]

DH earns well, not loads but realistically is always going to be more than me.

So as a result it’s naturally meant my career has had to take a back seat. I know some manage without any compromises but we’ve no additional support and someone does need to do the child related things so this lands on me.

its very much diamond shoes are too tight. And I know this. But sometimes I wish I had the luxury of working more.

Try living on minimum wage. You'll then have something to moan about

Important to aim for a career you'll enjoy and find satisfying.

Of course you can have both. Women shouldn't have to decide between a career or parenting.

Parents, like anyone else, should be able to choose which they prefer. If a couple wants to do it as a stay-at-home or part-time and a full-on, they should have the choice to do that.

Decisions like that do have to be made when a new child comes along, and by both parents together, not just the mother. We are in a sucky situation in the UK where house prices have skyrocketed to silly levels yet wage growth has been pitiful by comparison. This means in a lot of cases if a couple wants decent jobs and to live in an area that isn't regularly on fire, both of them have to work in order to cover the mortgage. That leaves the question of who looks after children during the hours when both parents are at work. The options I can think of are:

1. If the finances allow it, one parent gives up work and raises the children whilst the other is the bnreadwinner.
2. Grandparents look after the children during working hours.
3. Pay for a childminder.

I was born and brought up in scenario 1, my mother gave up the potential of a teaching career to bring me up whilst my father went out to work. This was doable as my father had bought the house outright (before I was born) thanks to a loan from his stepfather. It did ultimately result in issues for my mother down the line, for example her lack of financial independence (including lack of private pension) and the risk of being trapped in the marriage (my father could be a very difficult person so she would not be in a position to walk out). I can easily see how things have got much worse since then and even in the current days of supposedly greater equality, women still suffer from a wage glass ceiling in the workplace and are still expected to be the ones to raise the children at home if one parent has to stop work. It is crap, but I do not see a silver bullet solution, it took decades to get into this situation as a country and it will likely take decades to get out of it if we ever do. In the meantime, certain choices have to be made in many households likely to the detriment of one or both of the parents.

You make no sense.

I am the higher earner here. Almost double what my husband makes. But I also end up doing most of the household chores, cleaning, childcare, finances etc. I'm better at it. And my hours fit better.
Who earns more should have nothing to do with it.
As others have said, you need to negotiate with your other half and get him to pull his weight so you can concentrate on your career if that is what you want.

OK badly put, employed by a limited company that i owned.

Like you said though, both parents. Not just the mother deciding about career vs motherhood because it isn't necessary. A woman can do both.

Im the high earner (double my husband), with a longer commute and more stressful role and we split it by him doing drop off and me doing pick up. Both of us take time off if child is unwell. Both of us therefore have equal career opportunities. When they're in nursery it's possible, imagine school years are harder. Our 2yo is in nursery 8-5.30.

If it was that well paid you’d be able to afford additional childcare and be free to pursue your career. So maybe you should wish to have married a man with a better paid job?

I work in an investment bank and go to plenty of panel events and fireside chats focused on D&I , parents, women's careers.... and I see where OP is coming from and the posters saying you can have a career as you have a choice to get a nanny etc.

The MD women panelists talk about how they manage motherhood... and unless they are the high earner in the relationship (and the father does the bulk) it's all about outsourcing childcare - pay for it - nanny / have a live in nanny / boarding school / family support - the head of a business once said she had the same live in nanny for 18 years.....

1. maybe the £ that we are talking about is not that much to get the live in nanny or nanny for he OP
2. maybe the parents decide they don't want all childcare outsourced so of course the lesser earner in this current climate will be the one who steps up.
3. It's not a utopia where we can all have fulfilling jobs and not worry about £.

I took a back seat for 10 years as i had 3 children, then had a massive uptick for 2 years as my husband took it a bit easier then he got a new job with much more responsibility and £. he does cook put the washes on tidy up and do drop offs and pick ups activities etc but I am much more concious that I need to take that flattening career trajectory again for a while just for our family.

No you don't

I'm not sure that was the OPs angle.
If so, marry better men, have children with better men..They do exist, but probably don't earn as much. You have to make a decision early doors, Marry for 💕 Marry for 🤑

Both my husband and I are higher earners 100k+ each - sometimes his work is high pressure, sometimes mine, when it’s at the same time it’s tough, but we always get through it - we share parental duties 50/50, end of , sometimes it’s him at the assemblies/sporting fixtures sometimes it’s me.

Have you talked about this properly with your partner? If you think he would respond negatively there is perhaps a communication issue. Give it a go and maybe talk with him rather than speaking to us strangers who don't know the full background. If that doesn't work you might need to think again.

@SouthLondonMum22 or

1. Both parents share the work and child caring in the early years

That seems pretty common in my circles these days - either both parents go part time for the pre school years, or they interleave the leave- so mum off for a year, dad off for a year etc.

Oops sorry that was me 😂

Not possible in our type of work, sadly, although it works very well for some self-employed people, such as my sister! But we can't be limited companies.

That's a great option if it's possible.

I'm fairly sure that we'd have been significantly better off if I hadn't gone back to work after DS1 was born, after maternity leave, because of childcare costs. I was in my 20s, so not earning hugely, but I didn't consider not going back.

It was probably the same for us. I know the actual nursery fees were equivalent to one salary once we had two children there, and with the added costs of commuting and work clothes, it probably did, for several years, actually cost us a bit more to both go to work than for one of us to give up. But that's just in terms of immediate money in your pocket. Taking into account career progression and pension, we were both far better off remaining in work.

This post resonates with me. I got stuck in a job I really disliked for years because it fitted in with with childcare. Mothers have to sacrifice so much of themselves to have children ( and yes it nearly always the mother)
It takes a big effort to reframe your life, to try enjoy the mundane moments of child rearing a little more and start planning more long term for how you want your life to look when the children become more independent.
Hugs xx