Page 18 | To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

butteronthebread · 2025-01-10T16:35:11+00:00

DH earns well, not loads but realistically is always going to be more than me. So as a result it’s naturally meant my career has had to take a back seat. I know some manage without any compromises but we’ve no additional support and someone does need to do the child related things so this lands on me. its very much diamond shoes are too tight. And I know this. But sometimes I wish I had the luxury of working more.

SouthLondonMum22 · 12/01/2025 19:45

catcafeatno10 · 12/01/2025 19:36

@PicturePlace - if none of that applies to you, then it doesn't apply. I didn't say having children is 'turmoil' - is that another post?

I was trying to say that when people say things like "I don't compromise because we both work 8-5 and the kids are in childcare" - well, that would sound like a compromise to many people. As for 'financial independence in the event of a split' - again, financial independence can be achieved by prioritising one person's career - if it pays off. It depends what it is!

People were saying they wouldn't compromise their career. Not that they didn't have to make any other choices.

Though I wouldn't consider them compromises because I wasn't going to breastfeed no matter what and I didn't feel in 'turmoil' at the thought of sending my babies to full time nursery.

CantHoldMeDown · 12/01/2025 19:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SerenityNowSerenityNow · 12/01/2025 19:57

catcafeatno10 · 12/01/2025 18:16

What if you were married to a footballer who was sold for £100 million or whatever it is they get sold for, but the team was in another country? You wouldn't say, 'no DH sorry, you can't take this opportunity as your job can't be prioritised under any circumstances, even if we all stand to benefit."

There's no way I with have married someone if it meant becoming a trailing spouse and not being able to pursue my own career.

That's not a life I've ever wanted.

catcafeatno10 · 12/01/2025 20:01

"if you’re financially reliant on a partner, and don’t work for years and years, your chances of getting a job that pays enough is considerably reduced."

Well yes quite possibly. But it's not a given. And you might not need to work in the future anyway, even if you split. It depends!

LondonLawyer · 12/01/2025 20:35

catcafeatno10 · 12/01/2025 16:57

The thing is, there are one or two posters who come on these threads almost weekly, arguing there is no need to compromise anything career-wise when it comes to babies. But the fact is, these posters, by any measure, have actually made massive compromises! No least, they have put their babies in full-time nurseries at 12 weeks old. This is something most women would never contemplate. They have often not allowed themselves to bf, due this timescale. Also, they have totally separate finances from their husbands, so could never rely on him anyway. Plus, by their own admission, they don't like being with their babies day in day out anyway because they find it boring.

They don't relate to the turmoil other women feel about using childcare, etc. They also can't relate to having a DH who is a very high earner and the actual reality of that - eg. travel, irregular hours, etc. They also don't comprehend shared finances in a family unit.

So it's like comparing apples and pears really.

I don't think anyone thinks there is no career impact for a woman having a child - just being pregnant and giving birth in itself does have an impact. The extent to which that career-related impact continues past the infant's babyhood is more of a matter of choice for a mother, though.

The rest of your comments aren't necessarily correct either - there's no inevitability about a child being in full-time nursery from 3 months old if the mother's career is the focus, there are other possibilities (father looking after the baby, other relatives, childminder, nanny, for example). You can exclusively breastfeed for six months and partly breastfeed after that even if you do return to work at 3 months - I certainly did, both my sons only had breastmilk until six months and once they started eating food, partly breastmilk for a long time further.

Shared finances can also still be a thing, DH and I have always seen both children as our joint responsibility, both careers as equally important, and money is "ours" not "his" and "mine".

CantHoldMeDown · 12/01/2025 20:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SouthLondonMum22 · 12/01/2025 20:43

LondonLawyer · 12/01/2025 20:35

I don't think anyone thinks there is no career impact for a woman having a child - just being pregnant and giving birth in itself does have an impact. The extent to which that career-related impact continues past the infant's babyhood is more of a matter of choice for a mother, though.

The rest of your comments aren't necessarily correct either - there's no inevitability about a child being in full-time nursery from 3 months old if the mother's career is the focus, there are other possibilities (father looking after the baby, other relatives, childminder, nanny, for example). You can exclusively breastfeed for six months and partly breastfeed after that even if you do return to work at 3 months - I certainly did, both my sons only had breastmilk until six months and once they started eating food, partly breastmilk for a long time further.

Shared finances can also still be a thing, DH and I have always seen both children as our joint responsibility, both careers as equally important, and money is "ours" not "his" and "mine".

Show quote history

Apparently pp wasn't talking about me but she pretty much used everything I commented above her comment as examples.

catcafeatno10 · 12/01/2025 20:51

100% agree @LondonLawyer. My post wasn't about women who work in general. It was about the way MN threads about work / life balance tend to go. I find the it all a bit rigid and unrealistic.

SouthLondonMum22 · 12/01/2025 20:54

catcafeatno10 · 12/01/2025 20:51

100% agree @LondonLawyer. My post wasn't about women who work in general. It was about the way MN threads about work / life balance tend to go. I find the it all a bit rigid and unrealistic.

How is it unrealistic when they are generally talking about their own careers and choices they have made?

LondonLawyer · 12/01/2025 20:59

catcafeatno10 · 12/01/2025 20:51

100% agree @LondonLawyer. My post wasn't about women who work in general. It was about the way MN threads about work / life balance tend to go. I find the it all a bit rigid and unrealistic.

DH and I weren't, I think, rigid. But we did both have in mind the starting point that our careers were of equal importance, and our children equally our responsibility (after the baby stage, because he was rubbish at breastfeeding so I did it all..... ) . The actual pattern of our lives hasn't stayed the same, in any way, though. We met at university, both studying law, and had DS1 aged 26 and 27, and DS2 9 years later, so our working lives are not the same now as they were when DS1 was born, either.

The pattern varies from week to week or month to month too, depending on what each of us is doing at work, so at the end of this month DH will be away for 10 working days (coming home at the weekend). Once that went into his diary he told me, and I've made sure that I'm not going to be out of London in that fortnight, except for one two-day-overnight where I've sorted out DS2. But on other occasions it will be me doing something similar and DS2 will be filed under "DH is sorting".

The common thread though was that in general the boys were both our responsibility and our careers both equally important.

lolly792 · 12/01/2025 21:00

@catcafeatno10
It's not unrealistic, just a different choice to yours

CantHoldMeDown · 12/01/2025 21:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SouthLondonMum22 · 12/01/2025 21:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Also similar here. Though I'm the only one who travels for work.

catcafeatno10 · 12/01/2025 21:05

@SouthLondonMum22 - people can talk about their personal experience, but that's just them. Not all women find it easy to use childcare. Not all couples have comparable earnings. Not all couples can commit to staying in the same place, or country or in same career indefinitely. Sometimes couples make a conscious decision that one if them will compromise in terms of their career.And this can be very successful too - financially (for everyone), life-balance, independence, everything.

SouthLondonMum22 · 12/01/2025 21:10

catcafeatno10 · 12/01/2025 21:05

@SouthLondonMum22 - people can talk about their personal experience, but that's just them. Not all women find it easy to use childcare. Not all couples have comparable earnings. Not all couples can commit to staying in the same place, or country or in same career indefinitely. Sometimes couples make a conscious decision that one if them will compromise in terms of their career.And this can be very successful too - financially (for everyone), life-balance, independence, everything.

Which was my point all along, it's a choice. It isn't something that just happens.

CantHoldMeDown · 12/01/2025 21:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

InWalksBarberalla · 12/01/2025 21:15

catcafeatno10 · 12/01/2025 21:05

@SouthLondonMum22 - people can talk about their personal experience, but that's just them. Not all women find it easy to use childcare. Not all couples have comparable earnings. Not all couples can commit to staying in the same place, or country or in same career indefinitely. Sometimes couples make a conscious decision that one if them will compromise in terms of their career.And this can be very successful too - financially (for everyone), life-balance, independence, everything.

I think this is all fine (although why do you say 'not all women find it easy to use childcare' instead of 'nor all parents'.

The concern is it appears the 'compromise in terms of their career' is currently the women the majority of the time so realistically how conscious is that decision always? Hopefully as more and more children are raised in households were their mother didn't compromise their career and dad did half the pick ups and cooking etc, or even was a SAHD, their will be less automatic choice of the women stepping back and things will become fairer.

Needanewname42 · 12/01/2025 21:17

It's all very good saying I wouldn't marry or have kids with someone who travels. But sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with.

Reality is lots of work places a standard day is 8.00-5.00 or 6.00. Not every work place can manage with people appearing at 9.30 after the school run.

Not every school has early morning care, or if they do its only from 8.30
Same with wrap around at the end of the day. Where I am one of the afterschool providers went bust during covid. The other is seriously over subscribed. Last year there were about 6 spaces available between the intake for 4 primary schools (about 200 kids)

SouthLondonMum22 · 12/01/2025 21:22

Needanewname42 · 12/01/2025 21:17

It's all very good saying I wouldn't marry or have kids with someone who travels. But sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with.

Reality is lots of work places a standard day is 8.00-5.00 or 6.00. Not every work place can manage with people appearing at 9.30 after the school run.

Not every school has early morning care, or if they do its only from 8.30
Same with wrap around at the end of the day. Where I am one of the afterschool providers went bust during covid. The other is seriously over subscribed. Last year there were about 6 spaces available between the intake for 4 primary schools (about 200 kids)

Edited

Of course you can. You stop before it goes that far because you know you can't see a future with someone who travels regularly or you do love them but you absolutely aren't sacrificing your career for them and they don't want to change career so you end the relationship, it's painful but they clearly weren't the right person for you.

Been there, done that.

lolly792 · 12/01/2025 21:25

. Not all women find it easy to use childcare

I noticed this too. Once again, it's associating women with childcare, as if it's an issue which affects only women. It affects parents. My dh is an equal parent. We visited various nurseries together, discussed the benefits of each, make joint decisions.

catcafeatno10 · 12/01/2025 22:04

"How can you have financial independence in the event of a split by prioritising one person's career? Do you understand what financial independence is?"

Yes. Surely you can understand that in some cases, if one person is freed up to make the most of an opportunity- or particular skill or talent they may have and they make a life-changing amount of money, then that money is invested, in your name as well as his and your children's. It then provides passive income. You also invest in your home, or other properties, which are 50% yours. Your children's education is paid for and you invest for their future as well. The DH maybe retires in his 40s if he wants, or just takes on roles / projects that interest him. You can also take on roles or projects, either paid or things you're interested in. Life changes. This is why it might be worth it. I'm not suggesting giving up your career to live off 'his' income indefinitely - it's about how you plan and invest as a family over the years. I'm my experience, people who make the most money and buy themselves and their families the greatest 'financial independence' are not salaried, or tied to a particular company career path. They are risk-takers, on the whole, so you weigh up the options.

PicturePlace · 12/01/2025 22:09

catcafeatno10 · 12/01/2025 22:04

"How can you have financial independence in the event of a split by prioritising one person's career? Do you understand what financial independence is?"

Yes. Surely you can understand that in some cases, if one person is freed up to make the most of an opportunity- or particular skill or talent they may have and they make a life-changing amount of money, then that money is invested, in your name as well as his and your children's. It then provides passive income. You also invest in your home, or other properties, which are 50% yours. Your children's education is paid for and you invest for their future as well. The DH maybe retires in his 40s if he wants, or just takes on roles / projects that interest him. You can also take on roles or projects, either paid or things you're interested in. Life changes. This is why it might be worth it. I'm not suggesting giving up your career to live off 'his' income indefinitely - it's about how you plan and invest as a family over the years. I'm my experience, people who make the most money and buy themselves and their families the greatest 'financial independence' are not salaried, or tied to a particular company career path. They are risk-takers, on the whole, so you weigh up the options.

What world do you live in? This far-fetched scenario is why you think women shouldn't have careers? Get an actual grip.

CantHoldMeDown · 12/01/2025 22:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SouthLondonMum22 · 12/01/2025 22:21

catcafeatno10 · 12/01/2025 22:04

"How can you have financial independence in the event of a split by prioritising one person's career? Do you understand what financial independence is?"

Yes. Surely you can understand that in some cases, if one person is freed up to make the most of an opportunity- or particular skill or talent they may have and they make a life-changing amount of money, then that money is invested, in your name as well as his and your children's. It then provides passive income. You also invest in your home, or other properties, which are 50% yours. Your children's education is paid for and you invest for their future as well. The DH maybe retires in his 40s if he wants, or just takes on roles / projects that interest him. You can also take on roles or projects, either paid or things you're interested in. Life changes. This is why it might be worth it. I'm not suggesting giving up your career to live off 'his' income indefinitely - it's about how you plan and invest as a family over the years. I'm my experience, people who make the most money and buy themselves and their families the greatest 'financial independence' are not salaried, or tied to a particular company career path. They are risk-takers, on the whole, so you weigh up the options.

Some cases? A minority of cases. About as likely as your footballer example.

In reality, it is rarely the case.

catcafeatno10 · 12/01/2025 22:26

Where did I say women shouldn't have careers? I'm not suggesting that even remotely.

I'm simply telling you why some families might decide to prioritise one person's career. It's not rocket science! In some cases, families would be stupid not to. I know a lot of families like this. It's not far-fetched at all. It's how it is in our family. I have no less 'financial independence' as a result - in fact, it's the opposite. If prioritising his career had reduced my financial independence, I wouldn't have done it. It's as simple as that. More to the point, I wouldn't have risked my children's futures if I couldn't be sure they would be ok if we split.