To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

[butteronthebread]

DH earns well, not loads but realistically is always going to be more than me.

So as a result it’s naturally meant my career has had to take a back seat. I know some manage without any compromises but we’ve no additional support and someone does need to do the child related things so this lands on me.

its very much diamond shoes are too tight. And I know this. But sometimes I wish I had the luxury of working more.

Mothers have to sacrifice so much of themselves to have children

No, we don't.

Theoretically one partner can ‘work less’ but practically that’s hard to achieve. Most highly paid jobs don’t have the option of doing fewer hours for less pay. They are generally all or nothing, sadly. A career change would be the only other option but this is difficult too when you need to carry on earning to support a family.

Mothers have to sacrifice so much of themselves to have children

They don't. Some do. Some do so willingly, others do so but feel resentful of their partner expecting it of them. Others don't sacrifice themselves at all.

It's so negative to perpetuate this type of thinking that mothers have to sacrifice themselves. Sure, having children is the ultimate change in the lives of a couple. It needs a lot of honest discussion about what each partner wants to life to look life after having a child, it's hard work, it requires adjustment, taking responsibility for this new little person in the family. But it absolutely does not mean the mother has to sacrifice 'so much of themself.'

Yes, exactly. Individual families nay choose to do what suits them, but the BIG JOB / SAHM model is bad for equality in wider society

I do think that's changing. We've got c-suite level on part time hours. Unfortunately it did need men/fathers to start going part-time for it to be suddenly possible at senior levels but I've seen a definite change over the last decade.

Does this not just highlight that you can't have it all and do it all, as we are told we should be able to as women? When you have children, you have to make sacrifices, if you don't want to, don't have children. It will always be the higher earner that will continue to work, whether that be the male or female, you just can't ha e it all and do it all by yourself. As others have said, you need to employ help.

The phrase 'having it all is meaningless.' Just ditch it!

Having a job and having children isn't 'having it all.' It's just normal life, what millions of parents do. In many couples, both parents work, there's no rule that says the lower earner must stop.

Exactly.
Men never say things like that.

There’s no rule but when housing costs combine with childcare costs (long gone is the EU world of au pairs) and someone needs to step down and one of the someone’s has already been working one gear lower- puking fainting giving up progression/new challenge opportunities for nine months- and is now breastfeeding and the other someone has a higher salary….

JK women can definitely do everything with no compromise keep telling girls that and act shocked when they feel guilty and confused on the other side

theres a nice book about this by Elizabeth Warren called the Two Income Trap

Someone doesn't always need to step down. Of course women can do everything if they want to.

I do everything and I'm not at all confused. My daughters won't be either.

Mothers have to sacrifice so much of themselves to have children

No we don't.
I married a man who earned significantly more than me at the time. This was partly due to the fact he was 11 years older and therefore more established in his career.

I didn't take a step back and now I'm catching him up. Just because you're a lower earner and a woman doesn't mean you have to take a step back. That's a choice you make as a family.

If you keep telling girls that they automatically work 'one gear lower' and don't progress in their careers while pregnant, and that breastfeeding means they have to accept their work life being on the back burner - well, that's a terrible message to project.

And I certainly wouldn't propose that women do everything - quite the opposite. Pick a man who shares the load. Earning and child/ domestic load.

For sure- I’m coming from the perspective of a high intensity job where there are very few females like 10% in senior roles in some specialties in many ways because of the physical and child caring side of it. Night shifts etc it’s harder with breastfeeding. Idk I’m all for feminism and positivity but just to acknowledge the lived experience of OP and not promote toxic positivity I think it’s worth admitting that children can significantly impact women’s careers in a way that just isn’t experienced by men. If you work within daycare available hours and don’t ever have to work out of hours, and also live somewhere with affordable housing, then you’re probably all good and no changes to your life required.

It can but it doesn't have to, it is very often a choice.

I'm in a senior role in a male dominated industry. Having 3 children hasn't stopped me because I made sure that it wouldn't.

It really doesn't have to be like this!
When me and DH got together and I was pregnant with DS he worked away 4 on/4 off. I told him I wasn't happy with this and wanted us to be equal partners.
He subsequently got himself a new job where he's home and flexible, he earned twice what i did so after DS was born I returned to University part time whilst also working, also had our 2nd child in the middle, and I very nearly now earn the same (DS just turned 7) in another year I imagine we'll be on the same money.

How do you do it? I also have 3. Do you have a live in nanny? I think my rate limiting variable has been my husband won’t allow a live in. Do you have any top tips?

We all come from our own perspective (mine was having kids back in the days of 3 month maternity leave and no free childcare hours) plus high interest rates.

I've absolutely no doubt every generation has its pressures, every job has its particular pressures whether travel, high accountability, unsocial hours...

However, there is also a degree of choice. The OP has chosen to have two children in a situation where very little wrap around childcare is available and where she says she wouldn't leave her kids with the ones she knows anyway. She won't move. She admits she likes the lifestyle her dh's 100k salary brings. She doesn't work full time. She's now complaining that she married a man who earns too much! It's understandable why many posters think it's a bit bizarre

If you work within daycare available hours and don’t ever have to work out of hours,

It's not about never having to work out of hours, which will be part of most professional jobs. It's that it's absolutely fine and arrangeable around on those occasions - either your partner collects the kids that day or you use a babysitter that day. If you are saying that one person has to have some sort of second rate career during school hours only just in case there is ever a tricky situation where you need to think creatively about who will pick up the kids on the perhaps once a year occasion where both you and your partner are unavoidably working away from home on the same date...then my friend, you are shooting yourself in your own foot. What a pity!

How do you do it? I also have 3. Do you have a live in nanny? I think my rate limiting variable has been my husband won’t allow a live in.

What? I don't know a single person who has a live in nanny. And almost all the couples I know have two full time workers. You just use after school club or a childminder. The occasionally a babysitter.

Your "rate limiting variable" is your own lack of ambition.

Honestly, a lot of the decisions are ones I made before I had them or are unpopular choices that many women won't want to make.

I got myself in a senior role before having them, this meant that I could be more flexible, have a large influence on my own diary and in a position where WFH is possible.

DH and I have equal careers. No ones comes first, this was the same when we earned the same amount and remains the same now that I'm the higher earner.

I didn't breastfeed. This was mainly because I made the decision to have a shorter maternity leaves (two maternity leaves, I have twins) the main reason for that is because I knew I'd get left behind if I took a year out, especially twice.

I never considered going part time.

DC's go to nursery. A nanny isn't necessary due to the flexibility I have but I also wake up at 5am every weekday to get some work done which means I can get DC from nursery at a decent time and I rarely have to work evenings.

It's hard, especially right now as they are all under school age but it's worth it because I'm thriving in my career and like I said, having them hasn't held me back at all.

The thing is, there are one or two posters who come on these threads almost weekly, arguing there is no need to compromise anything career-wise when it comes to babies. But the fact is, these posters, by any measure, have actually made massive compromises! No least, they have put their babies in full-time nurseries at 12 weeks old. This is something most women would never contemplate. They have often not allowed themselves to bf, due this timescale. Also, they have totally separate finances from their husbands, so could never rely on him anyway. Plus, by their own admission, they don't like being with their babies day in day out anyway because they find it boring.

They don't relate to the turmoil other women feel about using childcare, etc. They also can't relate to having a DH who is a very high earner and the actual reality of that - eg. travel, irregular hours, etc. They also don't comprehend shared finances in a family unit.

So it's like comparing apples and pears really.

That’s a good setup. It’s such a balance on timing- mine came earlier than I thought. In my profession, you only get that senior spot age 37-40. Many wait and end up using IVF and surrogates which is great when it all works out and when it doesn’t I’ve seen women adopt, another beautiful thing if it all lines up. Those who had kids my age rightly or wrongly seem to take a significant hit and with one or two rare exceptions I see them drop out one by one. I’m still in the game but have had three long mat leaves. My husband has earned enough to be happy so may pass the run fast baton to me again at some point and then I’ll be all in again.

The conversation around how marital power gets shared is why I’m in this post. It’s interesting to hear how people do it but solidarity to OP for wondering/fantasising about how the balance can be tweaked. I guess the answer is to always play the long game, communicate well, and stay adaptable.

Thanks also for the tips- there are some good ones including 5 AM weekends. Need to start that!

Meant to tag you above- thanks for the response! <3

To add to @SouthLondonMum22's post, there are different ways of doing things. I did breastfeed, long term, and as this was in the days of 3 month mat leave, it meant a lot of pumping, as well as night feeds still. If I'd had twins like @SouthLondonMum22 then perhaps that's something I'd have had to rethink, as obviously twins is a lot harder. We all operate within limitations; everyone has their own circumstances. But honestly, living in 2025 when year long Mat leave is an option, as is transferable parental leave, as are significant free childcare hours from age 2 (and from Sept this year it will be 30 free hours a week from 9 months upwards) - these are all things I'd have chewed off my right arm for! So when you have a poster bemoaning her husband earning almost 100k and claiming that as the reason she can't take her work seriously, well - forgive us if we don't all fall over each other commiserating.

If you are talking about me, why don't you just say so?

Why do I need to relate to having a DH who is a very high earner and the reality of it when it's in fact my own reality because I'm the higher earner in my marriage? I was able to negotiate regular travel down to occasional travel due to my seniority. Irregular hours still happen but less often in the evening now because I wake up at 5am and do some work then instead.