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Original poster

To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

489 replies

butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 16:35

DH earns well, not loads but realistically is always going to be more than me.

So as a result it’s naturally meant my career has had to take a back seat. I know some manage without any compromises but we’ve no additional support and someone does need to do the child related things so this lands on me.

its very much diamond shoes are too tight. And I know this. But sometimes I wish I had the luxury of working more.

OP posts:
DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 10/01/2025 22:01

NutsForMutts · 10/01/2025 18:59

I think it's a perfectly valid concern. DH was making double my pay or more when we had DC, so I stepped back with a four day work week and doing all the pickups, etc. Yet I was extremely ambitious and my career is more of a vocation and passion to me, while his is more of a grind but handsomely paid because of specialised skills. I found the whole situation really shitty and sometimes wished I was the higher earner. His job always came first, and still does, even though I've had more success than he has as far as rising to the top of our professions. And because he makes more, he still sometimes treats my job like it's a hobby. I'm in the top 2% of earners and known in my industry. He's a foot soldier at his, but he's a top 1% earner. It continues to give him a get-out clause for doing anything domestic, because he feels like he's the provider. If I hadn't cared about my job, it might have been easier. At one stage I was paying to work because of the childcare and travel costs. But it was my vocation/identity and I wouldn't have stopped.

This would be marriage ending disrespectful behaviour for me. You’re a top 2% earner, it’s not like you need to put up with that sexist bull from him.

BringOnTheSunshineNow · 10/01/2025 22:04

Ok

CantHoldMeDown · 10/01/2025 22:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

CantHoldMeDown · 10/01/2025 22:18

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PicturePlace · 10/01/2025 22:21

But someone has to pick up the kids, feed them, put them to bed. In the morning you can't just get up and head to the office, someone has to get the kids ready, drop the kids off at childcare etc.

But you do that and then go to work. It's just normal life, and not that big a deal. Stop perpetuating the myth that someone's career needs to take a back seat.

stanleypops66 · 10/01/2025 22:21

My dh earned more than me for the first 12 years of our relationship. When I had dd, after mat leave I worked 28 hrs per week, but always had further career ambitions. I got a place of a paid doctorate when dd was in nursery. This involved travel to uni a few days a week with a long commute. Dh had no choice but to pick up the slack, which he of course did. Then after I'd qualified dh had a great opportunity to lead a project in far east so travelled 2 weeks on/ off for 8 months. I picked up the slack. Now i earn about 30k more than him. We're a team and it's been swings and roundabouts career wise. It's worked out well as we both now have great careers. It's prob helped that we only had 1dc (not out of choice but it's worked out very well).

Don't sit in the background op, think of solutions not problems whether it is childcare or logistics.

CantHoldMeDown · 10/01/2025 22:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

lolly792 · 10/01/2025 22:40

@CantHoldMeDown 👏🏼👏🏼

BlossomOfOrange · 10/01/2025 22:52

butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 17:06

Yes same situation.

@BookGoblin flexible working only works to a point. He’s in Dublin next week (we live in England) and Scotland two weeks after that. In march he’s in Poland for a week. Fine but he can’t work flexibly from there. He just can’t and so someone has to do the other stuff.

Show quote history

This is also a choice that he’s making, to have a job that requires so much time away that he can’t do the practical parenting he is responsible for. May be he needs to be reminded that he has a choice.

BlossomOfOrange · 10/01/2025 22:59

… and for context he’s 50% responsible for coming up with a solution that works for your family

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/01/2025 23:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Yes!

I was pissed off that no one ever asked DH those questions. In fact, people were surprised when he took more than 2 weeks off when DC's were born.

girlswillbegirls · 10/01/2025 23:15

OvaHere · 10/01/2025 20:49

You don't say what industry your DH is in but anyone earning 100k has transferable skills. The best solution here would be for him to find an equivalent paid job without big travel commitments.

My DC are adults now but 15-20 years ago I was in a similar position. With hindsight there's a lot of changes I didn't insist on which I now regret (and if he was honest he probably regrets too).

After our youngest was born he did move from a job that involved being away from home regularly to one that just required a commute (no wfh back then). That did make things marginally better but long hours and no family support meant my 'career' during those years was a few part time jobs interspersed with periods of having to be the SAHP. Having a DC with a disability compounded that even more.

I have managed to get back into better paid work in the last couple of years but truthfully my lack of earning potential is a problem for him now too.

He's older than me, not in the best of health recently and would love to go part time or retire but we still have a mortgage and youngest DC to put through university so he can't because currently I don't earn enough and realistically it might take me a few more years to get my experience and professional development up to speed before I can go for the next rung up (which would still be less than half his salary).

This is the sort of scenario you should discuss with your DH now because nobody knows what the future holds especially as we age or suffer bad luck with health issues. If you can maintain some kind of career through these child care years so you don't lose all your potential then it's a safety net for both of you in the long run.

This will require him playing his part though and looking at the bigger picture rather than just his own ambitions. A lot of men are not great at doing this particularly at a point in life they are young and healthy and think it will always be that way.

Very well explained. I wish all women could read this.
This is exactly why it's a really bad idea to take a back seat. It's not just the present that people need to consider but the future too.

Needanewname42 · 10/01/2025 23:36

@butteronthebread I get it.
It's also not easy to get professional level part-time jobs, and the industry we are both in full-time would involve travel. We can't both travel.
I was sitting the other day trying to work out what else I could do, even if it meant retraining, I couldn't come up with very much that would fit round my kids.

LondonLawyer · 11/01/2025 00:58

butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 16:47

Yes, this is our problem and plus we just aren’t in the nanny bracket if you like.

Show quote history

The "nanny bracket" isn't significantly different from the "two in nursery bracket", though!

Needanewname42 · 11/01/2025 06:02

LondonLawyer · 11/01/2025 00:58

The "nanny bracket" isn't significantly different from the "two in nursery bracket", though!

Show quote history

The two in nursery stage for most families these days is a relatively short period of time.
Most parents are making use of 9mths maternity/parental leave. And then getting 30 nursery hours at 3. So for most families the window of paying for full fees is about 27 mths. (36 mth - 9mths )
Unless you have twins the max time people would be paying for two kids in nursery at the same time would be 17mths (two kids with 10mth age gap)

I knew a lady who did have twins in a professional role who ended up taking 2 years leave of absence because her entire salary would have gone on nursery fees.

A nanny is out of reach for most families, partly because you become an employer, need to pay employers NI and their are no tax breaks unlike nursery or childminders.

PicturePlace · 11/01/2025 06:13

Needanewname42 · 10/01/2025 23:36

@butteronthebread I get it.
It's also not easy to get professional level part-time jobs, and the industry we are both in full-time would involve travel. We can't both travel.
I was sitting the other day trying to work out what else I could do, even if it meant retraining, I couldn't come up with very much that would fit round my kids.

So every single person in your industry works in a job that requires regular travel? What is the industry?

Needanewname42 · 11/01/2025 06:20

Civil Engineering need to go where the jobs are.

Supperlite · 11/01/2025 06:25

ManchesterGirl2 · 10/01/2025 16:47

Unless you're struggling for money as a family and this is the only way to survive financially, then I don't think your career should have to take a back seat. Fairness, independence, job satisfaction, future-proofing in case he became unable to work... these are all important too. I'd push back on the assumption that his career comes first.

Absolutely.

OP, sorry but this assumption that because he got there first in terms of hitting the bigger pay packet that always HAS to be the case is nonsense.

Presumably he is also older than you (culturally most couples have an older male partner) which means he is also X years ahead of you in terms of uplift in income amounts. That should be factored in.

You MUST fight for the equal recognition of your earning potential, and also your wellbeing. If that means things need to change and he needs to sacrifice for a while so you can get your career reaching its potential, then so be it - it’s called partnership.

Brooomhilda · 11/01/2025 06:33

I earn significantly more AND do basically all the child care. And housework. I don't think so much it's the money, it's the fact that you're a woman... we still live in a world where those things fall to women predominantly.

Also, with my much better job I get almost 45 days holiday, DH has 20. Guess who has to take every holiday day of the kids are sick/ we don't have child care etc etc? Me. Most of my holiday is spent on child care. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with her but it causes resentment from me because I'm always having to use up my holiday and resentment from DH because he doesn't get to spent time with kids.

The grass is always greener 🤷‍♀️

lolly792 · 11/01/2025 06:38

@Needanewname42

I knew a lady who did have twins in a professional role who ended up taking 2 years leave of absence because her entire salary would have gone on nursery fees.

There have always been couples who both work even when childcare costs equate to one income.

DH and I did. Not twins, but this was back in the days before any free childcare hours. Mat leave was also much shorter which meant the window of paying full fees was much longer - we paid full fees from when I returned to work with a 3 month old until they started school. Then it was wraparound care with a childminder.

I don't think we were that unusual. Many people stay in work for career progression, to keep up occupational pension fully etc

The OP has made different choices, to prioritise her DH's work. There are things which could have been done differently - discussing before having kids what they wanted from day to day family life, reconsidering working patterns, living somewhere with more childcare options.

No one suddenly finds themself with two kids, a dh earning almost 100k, a very comfortable lifestyle but too rural for much childcare! You don't just find yourself plonked in that scenario - there are choices and decisions which have led to those circumstances.

It's very much coming across that the OP has welcomed the advantages of a higher earning dh and the lifestyle it affords, but also wants to whinge about it.

Muststopeating · 11/01/2025 06:43

ConflictofInterest · 10/01/2025 16:43

Why naturally? It's up to you and your partner to re-negotiate it if it's not working for you. I'm by far the higher earner but it's still been my career that's taken a backseat, it's me who does all the housework and childcare and drops work to collect sick kids etc while DH's job is always the priority. It's mostly by choice, he'd struggle to get another job as he isn't qualified and his job isn't flexible. I can earn more than him even whilst working part-time so that's what I do. Your partner could always do that too.

I second this (although I don't so housework... That I outsource).

I earn much more but for years I was default parent because my job was more flexible.

Earning more does not make you exempt from parenting!

PicturePlace · 11/01/2025 06:49

Needanewname42 · 11/01/2025 06:20

Civil Engineering need to go where the jobs are.

Three members of my family are civil engineers. The work for local authorities and a large national company. None travel, aside from the 2-3 work trips a year that most jobs entail. Is this really the barrier you mean to having a career with kids? Did you mean you think you need a job where you literally never have to do an overnight in Birmingham? That would be a real pity, and you're right, it doesn't sound like you could have a career if that's your self-imposed barrier.

For the record, in my job, I travel maybe 3-4 times a year for work. It never occurred to me to describe that as having a job where you need to travel. That's a very manageable amount of travel when you have kids. I thought we were talking about a pilot or trucker or something.

user1492757084 · 11/01/2025 06:52

You can always go back working after the children are at school or go back when you feel ready and pay for a Nanny between you both.
Your DH's job does give you options that others don't have.

whiteroseredrose · 11/01/2025 06:59

ShaneFulorgy · 10/01/2025 16:41

Could be worse OP, your neighbours could be putting rubbish in your wheelie bin

😂😂

Fishystripe · 11/01/2025 07:19

butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 18:35

@blueshoes i am sorry but you’re making live in childcare sound affordable and to most people it just isn’t.

I think it would be nice in an ideal world if there was more equality at home. I know that trying for a career is not practical at the moment. I would end up failing on all counts. I think I can voice that there is an imbalance without being blamed for it or being told I can, it’s all just in my mind.

I completely get it OP. These threads invariably attract high achievers who have the kind of job that means you can afford to have expensive childcare or demand your partner takes an equal load. Or people who are worse off and think you shouldn't ever complain about anything.

Some ridiculous suggestions here. In the real world it would be ridiculous even if your DH did earn a lot more to hire a nanny to cover a full time job that is never going to lead to high earnings. My DH was a much higher earner and he would never have paid for a nanny to cover the full time hours given that I was never going to earn squillions.

It is frustrating to feel that it's always you that has to juggle though. It would feel much more like teamwork if you could share the mental load and the juggling.