To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

[butteronthebread]

DH earns well, not loads but realistically is always going to be more than me.

So as a result it’s naturally meant my career has had to take a back seat. I know some manage without any compromises but we’ve no additional support and someone does need to do the child related things so this lands on me.

its very much diamond shoes are too tight. And I know this. But sometimes I wish I had the luxury of working more.

@Fishystripe I disagree. I wouldn't describe dh and I as having had high flying jet setting careers. We just recognised that we were both equally capable (we met at university so had the same level of education - just like many other couples) and we went into marriage expecting a partnership where we both had a good work life balance. Neither of us pushing ourselves into jet setting careers to earn mega bucks where family time would be seriously impacted. But equally, neither of us seeing our work life as 'lesser,' and just giving up work or reducing to part time and ending up doing all the housework.

I don't think we're that unusual. Not many couples especially nowadays want a set up where one is basically provider, with the Important Job and the other is responsible for all things domestic and child related.

No one arrives out of the blue in this situation, two children down the line. Choices are made.

In the OP's situation, aside from anything else, she could have returned to work after the first child, when incomes would easily cover one set of childcare costs. Seems she chose to reduce to part time and have another child and is now complaining her dh earns too much!

I think some of the replies are a bit disingenuous

MN is full iof higher earning women who fulfill their 50% share of domestic responsibilities

IRL, the "man with a big job" tends not to, and it falls on women

This is a shit model and not what I'd want for my children, but it's hard for individual women to fight against it

We need society to change eg men to be despised by other men for not pulling their weight st home, rather than being admired for having a "big job" that requires long hours and travel. Judgement from other men would have more effect than complaining by women

I think it’s more flexibility. My husband earns well but in a job with long hour and zero flexibility. It’s not a job that can have much flexibility due to the nature of it. So my career since kids has been about working around them.

Yes it’s annoying but still lucky to have a good income which luckily he’s always shares fairly.

@NeedToChangeName yes.

And equally, women need to let their partner be hands on with looking after the baby and doing stuff around the house without micro managing or insisting on doing things their way.

Too often you see women being possessive over things - they often don't want to share parental leave, or are more than happy to reduce to part time hours, encouraging their dh to stay full time and earn bigger bucks to facilitate it. And then a few years down the line, they're complaining that their dh doesn't do enough at home. And complaining they don't have the same earning power and progression as their dh.

The clue is in the word partnership. Create the partnership you actually want day to day.

Both mine and my husbands careers have stalled since having children. I dont think there is any shame in that. We couldn't meet the demands of our workplaces and what our children needed (sen, part time school, no childcare) We both made lots of changes at work that mean we aren't where we would have been.

But that's exactly what the OP wants equal careers. Have you not read her posts? She couldn't get wrap around care. It's the usual story of posters fitting the 'facts' to fit their narrative.

In any case I don't care what you think the OP should have done. I was just offering her some empathy instead of the customary MN judgement.

And this is just made up nonsense. No evidence whatsoever that the OP is remotely possessive over her children or thinks she can do things better. I've never micromanaged anyone in my life.

To say both careers are equally important doesn’t address financial issues. My DH earns more than 10x what I do (net). It would be ridiculous to ask him to cut back so I could work more. The impact on our lifestyle and retirement plans is not worth it.

OP look. I'm a lone parent, have been for 15 years and I have a full on career, am now very senior.

You work around these things, you have to pay for childcare yes, you find someone who can do school pick up, take care of the DC, start dinner. Whether that's a childminder, local student, au pair. You and your DH need to talk through the options.

You make it work. All I hear is barriers from you to prioritise your own career.

I don't think @lolly792 was referring to OP specifically. They were replying to my own post, which was about society generally

Re @lolly792 I agree that I often see posts where women complain that their partner / husband doesn't eg stack the dishwasher or fold clothes "correctly" (aka not my way). Not accusing OP of that

This is our case too.
It's all about decisions and being very careful after you finish your university education to choose where you live, what steps you are taking to build the live you want. We have good jobs but did not chose not to have the type of jobs you need to travel except for maybe twice or three times a year. We have flexibility. I didn't want the husband with the big job who was never going to be home and I told this to him from the start.

We are in a partnership In our marriage. It was very tough going and expensive when they were very small as we have three kids. The children benefit from having us both doing things with them (still now veing teens) and most importantly for me is that they are learning mum and dad can both be high earners and have a family too.

The issue you often get with a higher earning partner is that it creates gaps in the relationship.

The higher earner sees their career as more important,they have better opportunities than the lower earner;this attitude nearly always applies to men unfortunately.

The gaps we then see is that the lower earner (the women) is expected to make herself less of a priority and she's expected to carry the parenting/domestic/mental load at home and have less leisure time.

We also see it a lot on here where the higher earner is a selfish twat about the division of money;the lower earner ends up with no spare money and the higher earner does and happily spends it on selfish shit or squirrels it away only benefitting themselves.

Unless it’s a job that you have to travel for e.g a pilot, international arms dealer etc I call bullshit on no flexibility and always having to go somewhere at the drop of a hat.

So many women prioritise the man’s career at the expense of their own and are left fucked when he decides he wants to be with someone new. Don’t be a passenger in your own life. Live somewhere less desirable but with more options. Your dc won’t wither if they spend time in childcare. And if he won’t compromise when things are in theory rosy and good what’s he going to be like when things aren’t going great?

I only value my work by what it pays me.

No matter how much I enjoy a role, it is just a job. It doesn’t factor into my self-worth, it doesn’t define me, it is never the thing I most want to be doing. Work is a prison for me. I’m trapped until we can afford to retire.

That sounds miserable. I strongly recommend you find something you enjoy and motivates you for reasons other than money, life’s too short to spend it killing time.

Agree with this. What are the components of all this that you can most readily change? And where more of you would benefit?

• your DH' s job
• your job
• where you live

Where you live is the best starting point. Your reasons for not moving are a bit weak - your oldest hasn't started school yet but will soon! By that logic though you won't be able to move for the next 20 years. Whereas a move when they, or only one, is in primary will be easier. It would also make it faster for your DH to get home from work/travel and give you a better choice of jobs and childcare. Once you have teens they will prefer a more urban setting anyway and it'll lessen the burden on you to drive them to everything. You haven't said you like where you live. A move would be upheaval but very much worth it.

I also think it'd be worth you changing career given that you don't like your job, you can't wfh and full time would be more awkward. Surely there must be related sectors, or even something completely different, you could start the move into? How much worse could it be?

I have always out-earned my husband but his work was also crucial. What determined who carried domestic load when, was the amount of control we each had over our diaries and locations, which fluctuated over time and role. Certain employers are more family friendly and the occasional need to leave early for a sick child etc would be accommodated without repercussions. So for me it's not about who earns what, but how much scope each has for picking up the domestic slack.

I didn't specifically say that the OP is possessive over their children. I said that it's something that crops up regularly on MN: mums who want to work less and have the lion's share of caring for the children, in some cases sidelining their partner and thinking that no one else can do things exactly the 'right' way.

What we know for certain is that the OP has allowed her career to take second place. There are other options which she and her husband could choose.

Well it makes zero sense to be paying out more than your bringing in.

MN has one weird logic that you both pay the fees equally but if that means together you end up with less income than you would with one of you being a SAHP then why would you put yourselves through that amount of stress?

Stress of work, stress getting two kids out the door, long days in childcare for them, trying to get them into bed early to get them up early.

Another thing is hitting the 40% tax bracket if hitting that plus childcare costs means it makes more sense for one of you to reduce hours thats what you do.