To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

[butteronthebread]

DH earns well, not loads but realistically is always going to be more than me.

So as a result it’s naturally meant my career has had to take a back seat. I know some manage without any compromises but we’ve no additional support and someone does need to do the child related things so this lands on me.

its very much diamond shoes are too tight. And I know this. But sometimes I wish I had the luxury of working more.

I was a social worker in the most deprived area of the country and I now volunteer in a centre supporting vulnerable families. I’ve seen all you describe but it doesn’t affect most of the population and people should be free to discuss issues that affect them without being judged as they happen to be more well off.

Because making sure they can eat it is more important than baby yoga?

Nobody is criticising anyone for having more money than anyone else, including OP. What we are critical of is OP's entitled whinging. 🙄
I think you need to read back through the thread.

IME people, especially in male dominated industries are really looked down on for that kind of thing.

I have always been in the fortunate position of being the higher earner, however DH's career hasn't been sacrificed in any way. Can you make a plan on how you could improve your skills/hours in order to increase your earnings? We have both actively managed our careers over the years and that really helps in terms of increasing earnings.

That’s a weird situation. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. My DH earns many times more than me, but completely respects that effort and parenting is 50:50.
If work is important - go to work. Get childcare 🙄

Best you share your magic solution with the Op then.

Oh no, so sorry!
I thought the initial post had been edited to remove the figures 🙈

Woe betide anyone who grumbles about their situation unless they’re on the actual breadline. I hear you OP. It’s the implicit bias in society that puts most caregiving onto women. Of course, some people will say that you just need to fix the dynamic in your own marriage, but at the end of the day, if he’s the breadwinner and it would be harder on the family if he loses his job, it’s somewhat inevitable that your the one impacted. It might be worth him looking for a more flexible employer long term, but depending on his role he might always feel the pressure

There's no magic solution. You discuss with your partner and shape your lives the best you can to create the partnership you want. It doesn't mean one partner having to prioritise their career. It might mean both partners agreeing that they want a more equal set up. Which may well mean both partners adjusting things. Seems the OP wants her dh to earn 100k, but resents the fact that she ends up doing more with the children. But doesn't want to move to an area with better childcare and opportunities. But probably wouldn't think the childminders were good enough for her kids anyway.
🤷‍♀️

There's no magical solution but there's plenty of options and it absolutely doesn't have to involve the woman sacrificing her career.

Anyone earning 6 figures walking out of a big meeting to pick up their sick kid would not go down well.

I earn six figures and can collect my kids when sick.

I am not going to suggest solutions or say it's workable. There is imbalance and that is a big deal. It's also not fair. There's probably some gender inequality involved.

Life with children is tough. It's constant compromise and guilt. I went through years of feeling like I was letting my job down or letting my children down.

I am still at the same level at work as I was when I had children 15 years ago. But look, I have two beautiful children and it was tough but worth it 1000x over. We are all just finding ways of trying to be good parents and live good lives. You will make it work. But you are totally entitled to be frustrated.

Me too.

and my DH.

Worse is workaholic DH, never here. Although that is sometimes nice. Hard to keep things going as he often feels like a stranger.

I don't get it. You knowingly started a family with a man who doesn't have a family-friendly job. Your career hasn't taken a "back seat" because he is the higher earner, it's because he isn't there. There are a number of things you both could have done before you started a family. He could have got a more family-friendly job. You could have spent time training for a better career. You could have moved somewhere cheaper or adjusted your lifestyle so you could afford help. But instead, you both choose this life. Don't blame his job for this.

You don't say what industry your DH is in but anyone earning 100k has transferable skills. The best solution here would be for him to find an equivalent paid job without big travel commitments.

My DC are adults now but 15-20 years ago I was in a similar position. With hindsight there's a lot of changes I didn't insist on which I now regret (and if he was honest he probably regrets too).

After our youngest was born he did move from a job that involved being away from home regularly to one that just required a commute (no wfh back then). That did make things marginally better but long hours and no family support meant my 'career' during those years was a few part time jobs interspersed with periods of having to be the SAHP. Having a DC with a disability compounded that even more.

I have managed to get back into better paid work in the last couple of years but truthfully my lack of earning potential is a problem for him now too.

He's older than me, not in the best of health recently and would love to go part time or retire but we still have a mortgage and youngest DC to put through university so he can't because currently I don't earn enough and realistically it might take me a few more years to get my experience and professional development up to speed before I can go for the next rung up (which would still be less than half his salary).

This is the sort of scenario you should discuss with your DH now because nobody knows what the future holds especially as we age or suffer bad luck with health issues. If you can maintain some kind of career through these child care years so you don't lose all your potential then it's a safety net for both of you in the long run.

This will require him playing his part though and looking at the bigger picture rather than just his own ambitions. A lot of men are not great at doing this particularly at a point in life they are young and healthy and think it will always be that way.

Surely you can work as much as you want? Why is it a 'luxury' to work more? For most people it's to do with need. Working isn't a luxury.
If anything it's a privilege to be able to afford to work less.
Why don't you just do more hours or get a second job? What's stopping you? Or if you don't want money then do volunteering.
I'm sorry but I don't get it.

Presumably you agreed at the time.

If you want your crack, tell him.

But someone has to pick up the kids, feed them, put them to bed. In the morning you can't just get up and head to the office, someone has to get the kids ready, drop the kids off at childcare etc.

Not having to think about those things, to not have to watch the clock at work for when you need to leave by, IS a luxury.

If one parent works long hours dye to their job, then the other parent has to facilitate that.

I'm the opposite.
Wish my dh earned more. As the higher earner I'm stuck working full time.

So I understand to a degree in that I am the higher earner and because we therefore rely more on my income, to some degree my job is prioritised. However a larger reason why that is, is because it is sometimes very inflexible. And so actually if I earned less, we might still prioritise it during the inflexible periods. This doesn't mean my husbands job isn't important though nor that I don't pull my weight/have held back his career. He has been able to do all he has wanted to do. I have dropped a day for childcare, do all the child related admin/clothes buying/club sorting etc and do more than 50% of the running around and childcare. So it is possible to earn more and also not make the other person sacrifice their potential. I wonder, though, if women who are higher earners are more supportive of lower earning partners because they see so many women being expected to sideline themselves because they're the lower earner? The women I know who are breadwinners do seem to be more equitable but that's very anecdotal I accept.

@Ayechinnyreckon But surely if her husband earns so much she doesn't need to work, then they can afford childcare? I don't see how it would help her if her husband was on minimum wage. She's saying she lacks 'freedom'. But people who are broke lack it to much larger extent. In my view.