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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Grandad creepy vibes advice please

120 replies

Jellybeans20 · 10/01/2025 10:45

hey mums, I've decided to limit contact with the biological grandfather of my LO. I will explain what happened below. I need advice on how to navigate this as we will be seeing grandmother (whom he lives with) a lot. But she will come to us and she doesn't defend his behaviour.
I made it pretty clear since LO was born that we are teaching consent. Grandad does a lot of the forced hugging and kisses, which is counterproductive to how we try to raise our little ones. LO is early mid primary school aged. Last year grandad was relatively ok but still says inappropriate things. He is always eager to push a religious element because the kids are of mixed faith and race background and there's a bit of religious competition and arrogance going on there. Kids call me mummy and he always tries to push a word in his language for the word mummy which is annoying because there's attitude when he does it. The other day, I was dropping grandma off and the grandad sticks his head in the car and kisses LO 3 times on the cheek in the same spot (it was not 3 quick pecks) and asked "did you like it?" which gave me the worst feeling ever. I quickly said "that's a very creepy question to ask". I really didn't like it. It has continued to bother me. It sounds like a grooming question to me. I unpacked it with LO and we have decided to put a double boundary there. Does anyone else think that was a weird question? This grandad has some single dad friends and one of the old men asked his daughter out when she turned 19 or something. He is still friends with that man and the bothers me because that man would have seen his daughter at the age of 10.... I understand the grandad is old and could one day pass but I feel strongly about avoiding him in the context of the kids. I would love to know if you other mums see it the way I see it and what would you do in my position?

OP posts:
Emilianoo · 10/01/2025 10:58

Could he be saying did you like it because he's well aware there's a big issue about giving his grandkids a kiss? It would never have bothered me if my Dad/Grandad gave the kids a kiss on the cheek. However I do understand your boundary so therefore he doesn't have a right to cross that by still kissing them anyway.

Mnaamn · 10/01/2025 11:04

Listen to your gut carefully.
If it is warning you about this man, supervise contact carefully and avoid completely if necessary.

Don't ignore your gut.
It warns you to protect you and your child.

DaringLion · 10/01/2025 11:06

Go with your gut instinct

MightySnail · 10/01/2025 11:11

Follow your gut. If this man is in fact innocent and loses out on a relationship with your daughter, he only has himself to blame for crossing boundaries I presume he knew about. If he is not innocent, then the consequences of putting his feelings before your daughter's are not worth thinking about.

JadedVeryJaded · 10/01/2025 11:13

Go with your gut instinct. Please. Sounds as if you’re doing really well with this so far.

Heretobenosy · 10/01/2025 11:20

is he from a culture where kissing on the cheek is the norm? Italian etc?

WittyOP · 10/01/2025 11:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Startinganew32 · 10/01/2025 11:34

Guessing not your own dad.
Tbh you sound quite rigid and paranoid. It’s normal for grandparents to hug and kiss their children. He doesn’t sound like a paedophile from what you’ve said and it’s not great that you’re suggesting to your own child that the GF is inappropriate.

I presume you mean that the friend asked your SIL out when she was 19, not that he asked his own daughter out, which is what it can be taken to mean from your post. I agree this is really creepy but doesn’t mean that your FIL shouldn’t have a good relationship with his DGC because of something his friend did. What does your partner/kids’ father say about this?

MyTwinklySloth · 10/01/2025 11:34

I would avoid contact at all times going forward.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 10/01/2025 11:42

Only you know him so only you can really assess if his behaviour is appropriate, but from what you’ve said it seems like he’s generally trying to push boundaries and overrule your parenting decisions, which is not ok.

Well done for immediately speaking up for your child, which is not always easy in tricky family situations. What does your partner think about his father’s behaviour?

Haveacuppaandwaitforthistoblowover · 10/01/2025 11:43

Always go with your gut about someone, please. It doesn't matter who it is or who you offend. Protecting your child over a grown adults ego is paramount.

As for him associating with a guy who went after a 19 year old - says alot about you the company you keep sometimes. What does the gran think?

Todaywasbetter · 10/01/2025 11:46

It’s perfectly fine for you to say no grandad kissing but the rest of your extrapolations do sound a little bit paranoid

Lostintranslation7 · 10/01/2025 11:47

Always trust your gut instincts, we have them for a reason

FictionalCharacter · 10/01/2025 11:47

You are doing the right thing. Listen to your own feelings as a mum, you don't need validation from anyone else. However you say grandmother doesn't defend his behaviour, so she also knows that he tramples boundaries and she's willing to visit you without him. She understands.

Children remember with disgust the unpleasant experiences they had when young of being forcibly kissed, held or people saying weird things to them. It's even worse if their parents and other adults don't defend them, and expect children to please adults even if it means being uncomfortable themselves.

Ignore the apologists who inevitably come on these threads to tell you you're overreacting or "he just loves his grandbaby". They either have never experienced boundary crossing themselves, or they have no healthy boundaries, or don't believe children have the right to say no to bodily contact.

My parents didn't defend me. I was expected to defer to the wishes of adults at all times. I had to endure endless unwanted kisses, hugs, sitting on people's laps and photography in what should have been private situations by relatives and family friends, some of whom were strangers to me. At a very young age I was raped by a family member, and I never forgave my parents for leaving me with them. Don't let people say this is terrible but very rare, because it isn't.

It's no exaggeration to say I hated my parents for not protecting me. There's better awareness now of children's right to bodily autonomy, which wasn't a thing when I was a child. All parents now should know that interactions between children and other adults should only be allowed if beneficial to both parties. Children aren't props for entertaining adults. If the child doesn't want the interaction, they mustn't be forced into it.

And I'd bet my lunch that most children don't enjoy being given smacking kisses on the cheek. It's something adults do because they like it.

Whattodo1982 · 10/01/2025 11:49

Todaywasbetter · 10/01/2025 11:46

It’s perfectly fine for you to say no grandad kissing but the rest of your extrapolations do sound a little bit paranoid

What would you do if an old man kissed you and asked did you like it? I personally think it’s very odd

Choccyscofffy · 10/01/2025 11:54

Emilianoo · 10/01/2025 10:58

Could he be saying did you like it because he's well aware there's a big issue about giving his grandkids a kiss? It would never have bothered me if my Dad/Grandad gave the kids a kiss on the cheek. However I do understand your boundary so therefore he doesn't have a right to cross that by still kissing them anyway.

If he cares about that he would have asked her BEFORE kissing her 3 times. It wasn’t just one kiss.

rebmacesrevda · 10/01/2025 11:54

I had that shit inflicted on me when I was a small child and I fucking hated it. I don't think the old man in question was a paedo, but I found out later in life that he was physically abusive to other children. I WISH an adult in my life had had the backbone to stand up for me and put a stop to his creepy behaviour. It has taken me decades to work out boundaries for myself because nobody ever taught me. Keep up the good work.

Haveacuppaandwaitforthistoblowover · 10/01/2025 11:54

FictionalCharacter · 10/01/2025 11:47

You are doing the right thing. Listen to your own feelings as a mum, you don't need validation from anyone else. However you say grandmother doesn't defend his behaviour, so she also knows that he tramples boundaries and she's willing to visit you without him. She understands.

Children remember with disgust the unpleasant experiences they had when young of being forcibly kissed, held or people saying weird things to them. It's even worse if their parents and other adults don't defend them, and expect children to please adults even if it means being uncomfortable themselves.

Ignore the apologists who inevitably come on these threads to tell you you're overreacting or "he just loves his grandbaby". They either have never experienced boundary crossing themselves, or they have no healthy boundaries, or don't believe children have the right to say no to bodily contact.

My parents didn't defend me. I was expected to defer to the wishes of adults at all times. I had to endure endless unwanted kisses, hugs, sitting on people's laps and photography in what should have been private situations by relatives and family friends, some of whom were strangers to me. At a very young age I was raped by a family member, and I never forgave my parents for leaving me with them. Don't let people say this is terrible but very rare, because it isn't.

It's no exaggeration to say I hated my parents for not protecting me. There's better awareness now of children's right to bodily autonomy, which wasn't a thing when I was a child. All parents now should know that interactions between children and other adults should only be allowed if beneficial to both parties. Children aren't props for entertaining adults. If the child doesn't want the interaction, they mustn't be forced into it.

And I'd bet my lunch that most children don't enjoy being given smacking kisses on the cheek. It's something adults do because they like it.

I am so sorry x

Choccyscofffy · 10/01/2025 11:55

Todaywasbetter · 10/01/2025 11:46

It’s perfectly fine for you to say no grandad kissing but the rest of your extrapolations do sound a little bit paranoid

He does forced hugging and kissing. Gross.

Berga · 10/01/2025 11:58

Follow your gut instinct. My mum did and it saved me and my siblings from the sexual abuse my cousins were subjected to.

Choccyscofffy · 10/01/2025 12:03

FictionalCharacter · 10/01/2025 11:47

You are doing the right thing. Listen to your own feelings as a mum, you don't need validation from anyone else. However you say grandmother doesn't defend his behaviour, so she also knows that he tramples boundaries and she's willing to visit you without him. She understands.

Children remember with disgust the unpleasant experiences they had when young of being forcibly kissed, held or people saying weird things to them. It's even worse if their parents and other adults don't defend them, and expect children to please adults even if it means being uncomfortable themselves.

Ignore the apologists who inevitably come on these threads to tell you you're overreacting or "he just loves his grandbaby". They either have never experienced boundary crossing themselves, or they have no healthy boundaries, or don't believe children have the right to say no to bodily contact.

My parents didn't defend me. I was expected to defer to the wishes of adults at all times. I had to endure endless unwanted kisses, hugs, sitting on people's laps and photography in what should have been private situations by relatives and family friends, some of whom were strangers to me. At a very young age I was raped by a family member, and I never forgave my parents for leaving me with them. Don't let people say this is terrible but very rare, because it isn't.

It's no exaggeration to say I hated my parents for not protecting me. There's better awareness now of children's right to bodily autonomy, which wasn't a thing when I was a child. All parents now should know that interactions between children and other adults should only be allowed if beneficial to both parties. Children aren't props for entertaining adults. If the child doesn't want the interaction, they mustn't be forced into it.

And I'd bet my lunch that most children don't enjoy being given smacking kisses on the cheek. It's something adults do because they like it.

I’m so sorry that happened to you. Did your parents believe you?

I hope the scum is in jail or dead Flowers

Lwrenn · 10/01/2025 12:09

Op, you sound aware of risk, not paranoid. Some people have the privilege of not being hyper aware that regardless of the biological connection, some people, usually men, pose a risk to children. If you have any "gut" reactions, listen to them and protect your dd.
The boundary pushing is enough for me alone but I'm not privileged to not suspect every single person could have an nefarious reason to inflict themselves on a child.

BoudiccasBangles · 10/01/2025 12:13

Trust your gut. We cut my dad off from the children because we didn’t trust him. I know it hurt him but we’d tried to set boundaries and he wouldn’t stick to them. The fact the GM understands speaks volumes. Please put your children first.

Astrak · 10/01/2025 12:16

I had a very creepy maternal uncle. He was always grabbing at me when I was little. One day, he pushed me into the cupboard under the stairs, which was our cloakroom. He attempted to fondle my pre-pubescent breasts. I screamed out and bit him. My mother came rushing out of the kitchen, he backed out of the cloakroom and went to the bathroom. Eventually, I told my mother what had happened. He and his family moved away and we didn't see them for many years.

Sardines57 · 10/01/2025 12:16

Trust your gut. I had icky experiences with very old men, once when I was 10 (rubbing up against my bottom etc) and again when I was newly married by DH’s great uncle, groped me in a sneaky just being affectionate sort of way. Both these men were really old and knew what they were doing. Don’t mind what anyone else thinks just trust your gut.