My mother is guilting me about being a working parent.

[Sevendayhigher]

Hi,

This upset me today and I suppose I'm asking whether I'm being unreasonable for thinking that it's OK to work even though you don't absolutely, 100% HAVE to.

It was a difficult drop off at nursery today because my son is unwell (he's 14 months) and I work from my parents' house.

I mentioned that it's hard being a parent today where most households need a dual income just to sustain themselves. My mother told me that the main reason most households are dual income now is because they 'expect so much out of life, whereas in the 50s people were happy with what they had' (or words to this effect). Apart from the plethora of issues that the 1950s carried, which she agreed was true, I argued that most households could survive on one income fairly comfortably because housing wasn't as expensive as it is today, compared to the salaries that people make. Nowadays it's very hard to get a mortgage with one income, especially if you haven't had money gifted to you. And if you rent, that a crazy cost too. She argued it was the same as in the 1950s, except people didn't 'expect to go on holiday every year or go out for fancy dinners, and were happy with their little house that wasn't that great.' I told her that as a family, we would bloody love 'a little house that wasn't that great' - please can she show us one that we can afford on my husband's salary alone, like people did in the 50s?

She then told me that if we really wanted to, we could move into something like that and I could be a stay at home mum, but that we want to live in a 'fancy area' so don't. She told me we'd be able to afford a house on just my husband's salary if we lived outside London. Not true, but the main thing that irked me was the implication that I'm working my (genuinely low paid) job because we want to live a luxury lifestyle/won't 'lower ourselves' to a cheaper area. She even said that she'd have been prepared to move to the other side of the country if it meant she could stay at home with her children instead of going to work.

What also irks me is that I can see where she's coming from - in theory if we moved to Derbyshire or somewhere very far away we could potentially buy a house and I wouldn't technically have to work. It feels as if my mother is saying that it's not OK to not want to do that - as a parent you have to make every sacrifice in order to stay at home with your child. Even if it means giving up all your family's support around you/living in a place you're unfamiliar with. On a personal note, my husband is visually impaired and unable to drive, so moving out of a city is also very difficult for us transport-wise, but I feel like we shouldn't have to justify ourselves with this??

I know she'd just tell me that she was giving her opinion and I shouldn't be so sensitive about it, but am I being unreasonable to think that it's OK to work in order to not have to give up almost everything in your life? Or is the most important thing staying at home with your child?

Our house is in the South East not in the cheapest area but living in a nice place with friends and family around us and was important and is actually a very traditional way to live.

I could do my job from anywhere now but that has only been a very recent possibility.

Our house isn't fancy, it's an extended (not by us) ex local authority semi detached built for key workers in the 1950s. So it is literally what people would have lived in, in the 1950s! And we are both professionals. We could have had something more fancy and expensive borrowing more. We still needed to both work to pay the mortgage and regular outgoings even though we definitely didn't max out on a mortgage deal.

People ten years younger than us had it much worse than us as house prices had gone up so much.

My mum is exactly the same.75 year old widow, absolutely loaded with pensions left by my dad, inheritance from her dad, been retired for twenty years.
Sees me slaving all the time and has no idea how lucky she is.

Comparing the 1950's to 2024 is ridiculous! Women weren't expected to go to work once they married and had children, back then. Attitudes were completely different towards women working, than they are today. Most men would have taken umbridge if a woman suggested working! I do agree, to an extent that nowadays people want everything at once, and aren't prepared to sacrifice meals out, holidays etc, to achieve those goals. However, some parts of the UK are expensive to buy and rent, and if you want to stay in those areas, you will need two incomes. Yes, people can move to a cheaper part of the country, but then moving back is then near on impossible, due to the same issue - housing prices! Giving up any family support isn't sensible, and is very easy for your Mum to say now you're all grown-up and she's not faced that issue! It's personal choice, and we should be thankful that employers are willing to employ women, many wouldn't haven't back in the 1950s!!

Why's she wanging on about the 1950s? If you've got nursery-aged kids, she wasn't raising you in the 1950s, and probably wasn't even raised then herself?

Regardless, it's an age-old debate and generations aren't ever likely to agree on who has it hardest as it will always leave one side feeling diminished, and the older one can be especially inflexible if they're feeling like their way of life and their choices have been rejected by the younger one and need to feel relevant. In other words, avoid the subject, make your own choices, don't seek approval.

@Sevendayhigher has your dm got a work pension?
I ask because mine is shockingly low as I only worked v. part time in a low paid job after having dc.
Fortunately my dh has a good pension and we’re happily married but it was a stupid risk to take.
I advised my dd never to give up work, women need independence.

You are doing an excellent job, you’re teaching your dc that women are autonomous.

Your dm is living in cloud cuckoo land.
Does she want you to move away?
I’d wind her up by leaving details of houses in Scotland lying around.

Surely your mum wasn't having babies in the 50s? If so you'd be past 70 now. The fact is that there's a choice now for women to work. In the 70s there was virtually no childcare available so basically having a baby meant you stopped working in most cases. If you were broke, you were broke.

remind your mum that we need to celebrate the fact women have choices.

Some women don’t have the choice. Even in 2025!

If she’s too narrow minded for that. Then remind her you’re an independent woman and she should be proud of you.

(I went through this with my mum as well!)

My mum comes out with shit like that too. She was gifted a house and money when she was young as she was an only child. She also did work when we were young (but apparently that doesn’t count). She’s also seen countless of her friends get absolutely fucked financially and live in poverty in retirement because their husbands left them and they had been SAHMs with no earning capacity. Why she’d actively want that for her own daughters is beyond me.
She also says shite like that she doesn’t believe in playing with children so excuse me if I think professional childcare is a much better option thanks because being looked after solely by her and no nursery or childminder when I was young probably did me more harm than good.

My parents were born in the late 1930s and even they don't/didn't wang on about how great the 1950s were. They remembered rationing as children then so wanting freedom from autocratic parents as they got older. My mum seriously considered joining the police force to get away from home.

I was born in the mid 70s and my mum told me how she felt obliged to hide the bump working in a bank and that she was expected to just leave and not come back. When they got married in in 1960s they worked in the same place and my mum had to leave and find somewhere that would employ a married woman. Even then it was hard to get something that was above the level of secretary or typist. Her brother who also worked in a bank and was a good deal younger became a bank manager. My mum progressed to chief cashier which was about as far as women could get in banks then. She is a far more capable and intelligent person than my uncle.

It’s complex. Each new generation wants something better for their children, wants them to grow up to be comfortable, safe, healthy, ultimately successful, law abiding, productive in a lot of ways. I would say there are key aspects that can give a child a good start towards all the above, but likewise, some children I cannot help but feel are going to have to struggle against not becoming another statistic lost to poor mental health, under achieving, crime, poverty at the very extremes.
For me, those early years are absolutely key. Good (joint) parental involvement, helping babies and toddlers to grow and learn, enriching surroundings and lots of play, stability and enough income to cover growing needs. Treats when appropriate rather than expensive items in lieu of attention. Interaction with other humans rather than the TV or gadgets, being ready to achieve the most out of starting on the formal school path.
But it’s equally as hard being a parent. Any human being needs their own time and space to indulge in having a bit of “me” time. They probably still want to strive and achieve in their own lives, beyond just raising a family successfully. Many will get fulfilment out of being a SAHParent (yes, some men do do it!) but others will find it frustrating, boring, an absolute grind. That’s why it’s so important that a great deal of thought, understanding and huge commitment is required, not just to the children, but to keeping a relationship on track. To do both needs planning, a decent income, help beyond immediate parents.
The wise don’t embark upon starting a family without having the best support systems in place, otherwise it can all come tumbling down one way or another. And that ends up with another statistic. It’s that or take your life in a different direction, and recognise that having children isn’t for everyone.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to work - even if you could manage financially on one income. Work can be so much more than just a salary.

My mother was like this. She insisted I was neglecting and 'institutionalising' my children, even though I was a single mother who worked from home, and that I should give up working. However, when I was put into a redundancy pool she was horrified at the prospect of me losing my job confirming what I'd always suspected, she knew I couldn't give up work she just wanted me to feel bad about myself. I am not sure why mothers like this want their daughters to feel bad about themselves but I think it's because they have low self-esteem and so they need a narrative where they can congratulate themselves for being virtuous and self-sacrificing.

the thing a child needs most is our TIME if you can give that and still manage work then great. If you can’t then decide what is your top priority.

Childhood is short and the benefits associated with giving your child / children time will far outweigh the kudos of a nice house car or holiday or career you can always revive after the hard slog of mothering.

my female CEO once told me - “women can have it all - just not all at the same time”

sounds like your mum (clumsily) touched on a nerve you already know.

Some of your mum's points are valid (smaller houses in not very nice areas are certainly cheaper and therefore require less income). But where you live and how much you work or stay at home is your choice, not hers, and you need to do what feels right for you and your family. Maybe you could listen to her carefully, agree with anything you can agree with, then repeat that you don't want to do go down that road yourself, and you'd prefer not to keep discussing it because it makes you miserable.

Mums guilting their daughters - who'd have thought it, eh?

Mine can't resist it. She makes out I lead a life of profligacy, spending all my money on eating out and Botox and fine wines when in fact, I just don't. I'm a working single mum with two kids and a very average income/lifestyle!

Ignore her.

My mother was a young mum in the 1950s and never said any of this! She was proud of me for keeping my career when I had children, as she'd seen so many women being left high, dry and penniless when their husbands left them after years of being SAHMs. She also worked briefly in a nursery, and thought it was an excellent place for socialising children and prepping them for school. I miss her :)

I appreciate this is going to sound unkind but I wouldn't be taking advice from a woman who relied on her husband to keep her and her children alive. I was lucky to be brought up in a family with strong female lead. My grandmother was brought up by illiterate parents and went on to become a prominent economist and she drilled the importance of financial independence into all of us (two daughters and four granddaughters). When my grandfather lost his job in the 90s financial crash, she was the one who made sure they kept their house and she continued to do so when he unexpectedly passed away at the age of 62. Had she given up work in her late 20s when she had my mum and her 30s when she had my aunt, she would not have been able to do that. Instead, she put my mum into school, my aunt into nursery and went on to complete a postgrad degree with a high-flying career that followed.

The issue is you work from your parents' house.

Why

do they employ you

or is your home not suitable ?

Thus you see too much of your parents.

How old is your DM ? I'm mid 60s now and recall many of family, friends, neighbours Mums all working, usually part time, as did my own DM. We certainly weren't rolling about in cash - far from it. This was the 1960s and 1970s. In fact thinking about it properly I can't think of one aunt, a neighbour of a close friend at school whose Mum didn't work.

There's this weird false memory that wives didn't work in the 1950s and before - but many working class wives & mothers did. Both my grannies were cleaners and worked when their kids were small. They had to, to put food on the table. Maybe it was the middle class mums who didn't and that's what working class mums aspired too.

You are doing your best for your son and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

She does make a few good points and I understand her point of view. The property prices have skyrocketed and young people today often cannot afford mortgage even on dual income - the way our elders did 50 years ago. BUT many young people today do live a lavish lifestyle - from the point of view of our parents or grandparents. There is so much that we buy and so much that we spend unnecessarily. Thousands a year go on a car on finance (or 2 cars), mobile phones, numerous clothes and gadgets and fortunes are spent on several holidays abroad. Lots of people just spend and live their lives here and now without a thought about the future and then they moan and complain how everything is expensive. I guess this is what irks our elders.

I do have 2 female relatives that are SAHMs now but this is a very new thing in my family as the women in my family have always worked. I can go back to the 1920s where one of my great grandmothers worked in the mill and another was a pub landlady, very working class roots. The difference was that they had familial help with childcare due to their parents and grandparents retiring in their 50s, this is unlikely to be the case as people will be retiring nearing to 70 in the future.

I would always want my daughters to continue to work after having children, financial stablilty and independence is so important. I hope that I have been an inspiration for them, I went part time when they were small so I did enjoy quality time with them but back to full time as soon as they were at school. I'd actually be disappointed if they relied on a man for money. DH and I have been married for 20yrs and have completely transparent shared finances but I'm a realist and if we split in the future I need to be able to support myself.

Ah I had this (albeit not to the same degree) from my MIL. DH's salary didn't cover even the very basic bills so ignoring any desire to retain a career, I actually needed to work. Our joint income did afford us some luxuries so in her mind my job was a luxury not necessity and she couldn't understand why I'd choose this over being with my children.
A frank exchange put paid to that conversation and over the years we have gained a mutual respect for the each other I would never have envisaged 20 years ago!

Maybe two things all women need to think about

You have a womb, and men cannot carry or give birth, therefore it’s a biological constraint, and one that every woman who wants a child will have to deal with, impacting upon health, time and career prospects. Only the very lucky can have both a career with minimum interruption, and a well balanced child, without help from other support.

Listen to what Mum says, but you don’t have to be governed by what an earlier generation wanted, had, or now resents. The World and it’s humans move on, change, make use of new technology, benefit from better health care, etc….

I've just read Margaret Forster's memoir Hidden Lives, which is about her grandmother's life, her mother's and her own. Forster was born in 1938 so had part of her childhood in the fifties. She says that her mother resented not working - she'd been a well-paid and valued clerk until her marriage, and had to give it up at that point - and struggled with poverty. They didn't have a holiday every year, in fact I think she says they only ever had two, when her mother inherited a bit of money - and her mother was upset and angry about this. So I don't really accept the "people in the 1950s were happy even though they had very little" narrative. And Forster thinks that her mother would have been less bitter if she'd been able to go on working.