My mother is guilting me about being a working parent.

[Sevendayhigher]

Hi,

This upset me today and I suppose I'm asking whether I'm being unreasonable for thinking that it's OK to work even though you don't absolutely, 100% HAVE to.

It was a difficult drop off at nursery today because my son is unwell (he's 14 months) and I work from my parents' house.

I mentioned that it's hard being a parent today where most households need a dual income just to sustain themselves. My mother told me that the main reason most households are dual income now is because they 'expect so much out of life, whereas in the 50s people were happy with what they had' (or words to this effect). Apart from the plethora of issues that the 1950s carried, which she agreed was true, I argued that most households could survive on one income fairly comfortably because housing wasn't as expensive as it is today, compared to the salaries that people make. Nowadays it's very hard to get a mortgage with one income, especially if you haven't had money gifted to you. And if you rent, that a crazy cost too. She argued it was the same as in the 1950s, except people didn't 'expect to go on holiday every year or go out for fancy dinners, and were happy with their little house that wasn't that great.' I told her that as a family, we would bloody love 'a little house that wasn't that great' - please can she show us one that we can afford on my husband's salary alone, like people did in the 50s?

She then told me that if we really wanted to, we could move into something like that and I could be a stay at home mum, but that we want to live in a 'fancy area' so don't. She told me we'd be able to afford a house on just my husband's salary if we lived outside London. Not true, but the main thing that irked me was the implication that I'm working my (genuinely low paid) job because we want to live a luxury lifestyle/won't 'lower ourselves' to a cheaper area. She even said that she'd have been prepared to move to the other side of the country if it meant she could stay at home with her children instead of going to work.

What also irks me is that I can see where she's coming from - in theory if we moved to Derbyshire or somewhere very far away we could potentially buy a house and I wouldn't technically have to work. It feels as if my mother is saying that it's not OK to not want to do that - as a parent you have to make every sacrifice in order to stay at home with your child. Even if it means giving up all your family's support around you/living in a place you're unfamiliar with. On a personal note, my husband is visually impaired and unable to drive, so moving out of a city is also very difficult for us transport-wise, but I feel like we shouldn't have to justify ourselves with this??

I know she'd just tell me that she was giving her opinion and I shouldn't be so sensitive about it, but am I being unreasonable to think that it's OK to work in order to not have to give up almost everything in your life? Or is the most important thing staying at home with your child?

The OP is already struggling with guilt (thanks to her mum). For many families, both parents working is not a choice 'for the kudos of a nice house, car or holidays' it's a necessity to put a roof over their heads and some decent food on the table.

I was a child in the 1950s and can assure you that life was not all marvellous for everyone. Some people were fortunate (my home was reasonable), if husband earned quite well but an awful lot of people were very poor, cold, badly clothed and had inadequate sanitation at home. Your mother is seeing the past through rose coloured spectacles or maybe she didn't have a hard life, was one of the lucky ones, and didn't mix much outside of her circle.

Plenty of women did go out to work, they had to in order to make ends meet, just like now. I have often heard people of my generation saying, eg, they only had butter on their bread because mum worked part time. My mother didn't work, was proud of the fact and could be quite 'sniffy' about working wives, let alone mothers. Different of course if they were professional women, then she was deferential :). My mother in law gave up work when she had my husband -and she had a very good job in the city which she always missed terribly. I will never understand why she didn't get herself a part-time job later on but her mother, who I have to say was generally lovely, had quite a lot of influence on her in that regard, almost as if she (mother in law), was still a youngster under her care.

I was a working mother, part time for years, then full time, and received some criticism. I loved my job (most of the time), and was happy to contribute to the household, which was modest. We were not hedonistic, just ordinary and sometimes struggled - we were in good company too :). Later on of course we were better off which was nice and I have no worries now I am retired but that's the same for most of us.

Don't let your mum guilt trip you. Pay no attention, do what you want/need to do, you're a valuable member of society as well as being a wife and mother. If you want to go out for meals sometimes and have nice holidays, good luck to you, you deserve it.

Never mind the long record of your conversation, I would be concerned at your leaving the child in nursery when he is unwell - this seems to have been skipped over.

You could just tell her you’ve thought about it and she’s right. You’re moving to the North East (or somewhere with cheaper housing opportunities) and getting a 2 bedroom house so that you don’t need to work so they can visit once a month to see
their grandchild but they’ll have to stay in a hotel as you won’t have a guest room. See if her opinion changes then maybe??? 🤔

Why are you working from your parents house. This gives her the opportunity to criticise your choices.

Well to be fair I’m that direction and have known families that could only afford a tiny 2 bed flat in London move up here and have huge 6 bed houses with the same money so she is right really. I personally don’t see the fascination people have with London, it’s cramped, huge amounts of crime, the people are rude and many areas are absolute poop holes but whatever floats your boat I guess, I know it does also have nice areas but you have to pay a premium to live in them……

The 50s are always seen as a "golden time".NHS new and free to everyone,Full employment ,and this dream of a "50s" HW /FTM as wifey warming slippers for hubby,2 perfect DC (Janet and John) and so on .Anyone watching Call The Midwife knows this isnt true.Unless shes 90 plus shes talking bollocks!

Part of the therapy or a good help for it would be not seeing her so much. I’d be arranging my hours or moving nursery to facilitate that. And also don’t tell her or share stuff. Grey rock .

I watching a video (on Tiktok so may well be complete rubbish) that was saying that necessities are now much more expensive and luxuries are more affordable.

Given that mortgage affordability was once calculated on x3 the household salary I wonder if this holds some weight and that's why its so difficult to compare different times objectively?

But ignore your mother, things were very, very different 75 years ago and tbh it just sounds like she likes having a dig.

An issue I found when I took a year out, 1950s-style (ha ha!), was not only financial, because every other woman has to work, I was flipping bored and lonely. Times really have changed!

@ChristmasKelpie

Nobody ever lay on their death bed wishing they had bought that 4 bedroom with a cinema room but they sure as hell wish they had spent longer with their children.

Sorry but resectfully this is simplistic and borderline offensive. People don't work because they want a "4 bedroom with a cinema room". They work to provide a better life for their children. In many cases they work out of necessity.

In my case they work because there was no one else around to bring home the money to support the children. My child would have starved or been made homeless if I hadn't worked so you know what you can do with comments about "4 bedroom with cinema room". At least have the decency to recognise that a large number of women who work do so out of necessity.

Oh and on this trope about "no one on their deathbed wished they'd worked more": my mum was a lifelong SAHM who bitterly bitterly regretted not going back to work because she was bored and stuck in a marriage she wanted to leave. Your perspective is a series of cliches: you're entitled to your view but at least read the room a bit before you deliver them.

Yep this and probably fairly misogynistic with it.

Why is it that when women work, it's implied that they are selfish and greedy because they are only working for a big house and 5 star holidays but when men work they are big heroes who are working hard to provide for their family?

Regarding SAHP being a luxury:

A bit different for me. If I didn’t have grandparents who could look after DC whilst I was working I would be a SAHM (due to nursery costs being 80% of my wage) which would have meant sacrificing a lot, probably would have had to give up my car. Although I’d have the extra time with my DS, I’m grateful I was able to return to work and would class myself as lucky.

Every parent situation is different but I have some SAHM friends who wish they would work and earn some extra money but can’t due to nursery costs

Bollocks is this true.

I’m a sahm who left my well paid job to become a sahm. And I know others who have done the same. It’s in part how we can afford to be sahm.

Let’s step away from the judging of other women.

OP it is so difficult. Can you work some where else? Library? If not do some deep breathing to calm yourself before you get to your parents and don’t discuss things with your Mum. Maybe she was judemental or maybe she was trying to fix it. Only you know that but either way it ain’t helpful to you.

whereas in the 50s people were happy with what they had

I'm presuming your mum wasn't a SAHM in the 50s so why has she chosen that particular decade to talk about?!

Ask her what the house price was compared to her or your dad's salary when they bought their first house and show her what it is compared to yours.

When we bought a flat in the late 90s, it cost 2/3 times my annual salary.

What can you buy now for 2/3 times your annual salary?

It's more important than anything that you can support yourself financially

Why are nursery costs only their responsibility? Especially if they are now one income families. Why can't their DH's pay for nursery?

Quality time spent with children has risen dramatically since the 1970/80s. Working parents are spending more quality time with their children than a stay at home parent from the previous generations.

This exactly.

Personally I feel like every parents situation is different and should not be judged either way.

Some people don’t get the choice to be a SAHM or not.

Some people do. It’s completely fine to return to work because you WANT to. It’s also completely fine to choose to be a SAHM if that works for your family.

I hate the SAHM are lazy vs working mums only want all inclusive holidays and big cars over spending time with their kids debate.

I have lived in London all my life. There are many areas which do not have a high crime rate, I've never lived anywhere that was unsafe, nor would I. There are also many green spaces. As for people being rude, there are rude people everywhere, just don't mix with them if you don't have to, most are pleasant. Nobody has ever thought me rude.

@Sevendayhigher

Your mother, like most people her age, are utterly clueless about how our generation has to budget.

In the 1950s, it is true that my grandparents wouldn't have gone out for dinner but otherwise all the other rose tinted attitudes about the past and people making do are wrong.

Take gadgets for example, because a lot of older people love telling us we don't need mobile phones. Well, my grandparents had a fridge freezer and a washing machine, my parents had a VCR and I have a laptop and a phone. All of which are just the latest technology of the age (and arguably, I need mine for work whereas if my grandmother stayed at home all day she could have gone shopping and washed clothes by hand. Her gadgets were more of a luxury than mine!)

What's also true about my grandparents is that they didn't just buy but had a house built that today would cost around £800k because of its location and they also ran a car and had three children. On a police constable's salary.

To be honest, I think it is barely worth comparing and I think it's important to step back and acknowledge that the problem is your mother's ignorance, not that you work.

Nursery costs for 3 full days where I live cost about £800-900 before you get the help from government.

As someone who has earns £1050, what would of been the point me working to take home £150-200 a month?

Obviously DH would have paid as well but as a couple you can see why some woman think what’s the point me working when most of the fees are going on nursery.

@ShinyShona

I think it's important to step back and acknowledge that the problem is your mother's ignorance, not that you work.

This, basically.

No i don't think men are big heros and yes i understand some households need 2 wages to put food on the table, that some women parent alone and also agree some women find raising children boring but there are many that feel that society makes them feel they have to have the career. At least be honest.