My mother is guilting me about being a working parent.

[Sevendayhigher]

Hi,

This upset me today and I suppose I'm asking whether I'm being unreasonable for thinking that it's OK to work even though you don't absolutely, 100% HAVE to.

It was a difficult drop off at nursery today because my son is unwell (he's 14 months) and I work from my parents' house.

I mentioned that it's hard being a parent today where most households need a dual income just to sustain themselves. My mother told me that the main reason most households are dual income now is because they 'expect so much out of life, whereas in the 50s people were happy with what they had' (or words to this effect). Apart from the plethora of issues that the 1950s carried, which she agreed was true, I argued that most households could survive on one income fairly comfortably because housing wasn't as expensive as it is today, compared to the salaries that people make. Nowadays it's very hard to get a mortgage with one income, especially if you haven't had money gifted to you. And if you rent, that a crazy cost too. She argued it was the same as in the 1950s, except people didn't 'expect to go on holiday every year or go out for fancy dinners, and were happy with their little house that wasn't that great.' I told her that as a family, we would bloody love 'a little house that wasn't that great' - please can she show us one that we can afford on my husband's salary alone, like people did in the 50s?

She then told me that if we really wanted to, we could move into something like that and I could be a stay at home mum, but that we want to live in a 'fancy area' so don't. She told me we'd be able to afford a house on just my husband's salary if we lived outside London. Not true, but the main thing that irked me was the implication that I'm working my (genuinely low paid) job because we want to live a luxury lifestyle/won't 'lower ourselves' to a cheaper area. She even said that she'd have been prepared to move to the other side of the country if it meant she could stay at home with her children instead of going to work.

What also irks me is that I can see where she's coming from - in theory if we moved to Derbyshire or somewhere very far away we could potentially buy a house and I wouldn't technically have to work. It feels as if my mother is saying that it's not OK to not want to do that - as a parent you have to make every sacrifice in order to stay at home with your child. Even if it means giving up all your family's support around you/living in a place you're unfamiliar with. On a personal note, my husband is visually impaired and unable to drive, so moving out of a city is also very difficult for us transport-wise, but I feel like we shouldn't have to justify ourselves with this??

I know she'd just tell me that she was giving her opinion and I shouldn't be so sensitive about it, but am I being unreasonable to think that it's OK to work in order to not have to give up almost everything in your life? Or is the most important thing staying at home with your child?

I sort of understand the sentiment, as a working parent myself. I could have stayed home with mine, we'd have lived a much smaller life, smaller home (would have taken us a lot longer to buy and would have been a much smaller home) we'd likely have 1 car, no holidays. For some a parent at home might outweigh that, but it doesn't for me, I wanted a large home, holidays, 2 cars. I definitely have higher expectations of life than my parents or grandparents ever had. Throw into that the fact I find value in work and wanted a career, it is absolutely a decision I made and own. And because I own it, no one can make me feel guilty for it, it's what I wanted.

The important thing is that you do not let her opinions - which are entirely valid and she is allowed to hold them - undermine the decisions that you and your partner have made - which equally are entirely valid and you are allowed to hold them.

It is inevitable that different circumstances, house prices, expectations etc. will influence how families choose to operate, but that is fine and need not be a cause of conflict.

Is she saying that you are doing it all wrong, or is she just talking about how things were and you feel undermined by that?

She is not wrong - there were some advantages to life in the 50s in spite of the post war austerity - but then neither are you wrong. You are operating under very different circumstances and you must do what feels right to you and is appropriate to your family.

She should not be voicing these opinions and you should not let them get to you. Hold your head up high, do not be defensive and just carry right on. Make vague responses - hmm, oh really - and let it wash by you. Have confidence in your own decisions.

I am a grandmother and occasionally feel some concerns about the decisions my AC make as parents - not often thankfully - but I say not a word - the zip on my lips is firmly closed! Clearly your Mum has mislaid her zip, so all you can do is behave as though it is there and let it all wash by you.

You do you - that is fine.

Thank you. This is really good advice. I've been in therapy for over two years and am making solid improvement in this area, but what you touch upon is an area I haven't explored fully. Thank you.

It sounds like you started the conversation- I've learnt the hard way to avoid discussions comparing the generations.

She probably had hard times where she was struggling financially so is just hearing it as a criticism.

BTW I'm not sure that's completely true that it's harder now as wages have soared compared to inflation since the 70s/80s. Yes housing costs more but almost everything else is way cheaper.

Sending a huge hug. I too have a Strained relationship with my mum and often feel when we are together I revert back to being 13 years old with her. She also does little digs at me but I’ve learned to just ice it out and literally ignore ignore and steer the convo away. I realised she won’t ever change and the only person it was upsetting was myself so I had to just let it wash over me, easier said than done!
but honestly nobody has to live your life but you. Unless she wants to pay your bills, pension and NI contributions then she doesn’t have a say unfortunately 😝 x

Don't listen to her. You don't have to be a SAHM, you are working and doing what is best for your own family.
Is there anywhere else close to nursery yet can work, coffee shop or library? I'm just thinking it might be easier for you to work if your mum isn't there criticising your choices,
Or tell you you are considering moving miles away but this means she will rarely see her grandchild. I bet she won't be overly happy about that!

Firstly, it is not the 50s. They’re never coming back. Everything is different now and it’s stupid to compare one aspect of life now with back then with no consideration of the context.

How long does your mum feel you should give up work for? I understand the sentiment of being at home with a baby (I went back to work when my kids were 9 months old both times and it’s not easy) but are you really going to tank your career, adopt a frugal lifestyle, move the whole family halfway across the country, when he will be at school all day once he’s 4?

Also, I think that often we don’t like to talk about the advantages that having money brings to children - at 14 months they are just happy with some cups and sand or whatever but he isn’t going to be a baby forever - and having a reasonable amount of disposable income means children can travel, do extra curricular activities, get new experiences. I like being able to afford luxuries - I can say yes when they ‘really want to go to Disneyland’ or ‘really want a horse riding party’ - and I think it’s a valid choice to lead a life where those things are going to be financially viable.

Just ignore the comments hard as it may be.
Yes we have a lot more 'luxuries' now but many are needed to keep up and not have our kids in relative poverty eg the Internet etc.

Back in the day things were hard but there were also some things that helped eg interest rate relief etc. Also if you were to separate and were a SAHM you were more likely to get spousal support etc. You could stay at home until child 16 on benefits etc. Also, not sure in the stats, but seemed like less divorce then? Feels more risky now on relying on a partner financially.

I think I would just change the subject when she mentions it or say, ' well plenty of women worked back then too' because deep down she may be conscious of never having worked and be protesting too much.

Thank you, I'm taking a lot of stock in what you say as a grandmother yourself! 'Mislaid her zip' had me laughing when I was crying this morning so I thank you for that too! You're right, I should just carry on with my own choices :) I'm getting there, day by day.

Tell her you’re taking her advice and moving to North Shields. Sorry she won’t see her DGC much…

Also I don’t understand what’s wrong with wanting luxuries? Surely most people would naturally want to give their children opportunities / housing etc better than what they had themselves. At the end of the day you don’t meet an adult and think ‘ooh I bet they had a SAHP’ or ‘I bet they were in nursery’ it literally doesn’t matter one bit to their outcomes

Bless you, you've made me smile when I was crying this morning haha! It's all very true and great to talk to you, having had a similar experience. Hope you have a great day x

Or it's a choice you've made because it's what you think is best for your child and family.

It's a shame you don't have a daughter, OP, because if you did, you could say, "What message would that be sending to Olivia? That it doesn't matter whether she works hard at school, does her homework, gets good grades, goes to university, excels at sport or music or what have you, because as soon as she has children her role in life is to stay at home and spend 100% of her time being a mother? And it's normal to be 100% financially dependent on a man and at risk of being abused because you don't have your own money and can't afford to leave? And it's fine for your whole family to be at risk of destitution if the one wage earner suddenly loses their job?"

It's a shame you don't have a daughter, OP, because if you did, you could say, "What message would that be sending to Olivia?

Seeing mothers work is beneficial to sons and daughters, there have been studies on it, it raises more independent sons and they are more likely to grow up to be equal partners. The OP can still say that regarding her son.

I could afford to stay at home with my kids, just about. But, money aside, I just don't want to. Any more than my DH would want to. I'm grateful to live at a time when I have choices. My MIL has similar views to your DM, but I look at ho2 small her world is and feel completely validated in my choices.

I think she makes a few good points. She is right, back in the day people didn't have luxuries like we have now. No holidays, 1 present at Christmas, no Sky TV etc ... without having a window into your expenses I can't judge that. I could 100% see where she'd be coming from if you continuously moaned about having no money - but went away twice a year to Barbados and drove a £500pcm car on finance. That doesn't sound like the case though.

People didn't divorce as much, either, then!

Sorry, OP I'm not suggesting you're going to get divorced but relationships breaking down are far more common these days and it's something all women should take into consideration and make their own risk analysis on before they make themselves financially reliant on a man.

sending a big hold hand

She can, but her mother might not get the point so much. She would probably be very happy for her grandson to grow up and have a good job and an obedient little wife who stays at home and makes babies.

But I think with a little girl it's quite effective to point to all the things you're doing to give her the best opportunities in life and then say, "What is the point in any of this if she's just going to stay at home after the age of 30?"

Wow, that's a load of shit. Plenty of people can and do aspire to be SAHM.

What a snotty comment

Try not to give them the attention they crave, these comments either come from utter jealousy they aren’t a SAHP or a weird self loathing that they’re in that position without choice. Very odd.

How old is she? I am guessing a few years older than me, so late 50s/early 60s? Plenty young enough that she could have had a career if she wanted one. Sounds to me like she is justifying her own life choices to herself by criticising yours.

You know if you moved to Derbyshire or wherever, she would also criticise that? For taking her grandchild away, for removing your family support. Whatever. People who want to want to criticise others life decisions will always find a way to do it.

In my father's eyes, I was a failure. I did the wrong degree (I am a vet) at the wrong university (I didn't go to Cambridge). I married the wrong man (an army officer). I started a new job just before getting married ('married women don't work'), then compounded it by returning to work after maternity leave. The list goes on. He never understood why I ended up virtually NC with him.

I worked when my eldest was a baby and that was 40 years ago and really quite uncommon. Yes 40 years ago.
Things have massively changed since then and it's been quite normal for mothers to work for a long time now. Don't let anyone shame you for doing what's best for your family.

Raising my children IS significant and rewarding work... not everyone is money driven. I feel sorry for those brainwashed enough to only find 'value' to their life through being a worker bee.

I worked in a vets, its worthwhile important work but I would rather spend the day squeezing my kids than dogs anal glands.

Most people (even those who don't hate their jobs) if they didn't have to work and could persue their actual interests and joys (like travel, arts, social pursuits or family time etc...) would not think 'gee, I fancy getting up at 6am in this shitty cold weather and driving in rush hour traffic to spend my whole day doing stuff for strangers while missing out on my own loved ones'.

We have a mental health crisis in this country and a lot of it is due to people having no time for self care due to working insane times just to survive. Lets not try to glamourize what is a requirement to most as a bloody luxury they should be thankful for.