My mother is guilting me about being a working parent.

[Sevendayhigher]

Hi,

This upset me today and I suppose I'm asking whether I'm being unreasonable for thinking that it's OK to work even though you don't absolutely, 100% HAVE to.

It was a difficult drop off at nursery today because my son is unwell (he's 14 months) and I work from my parents' house.

I mentioned that it's hard being a parent today where most households need a dual income just to sustain themselves. My mother told me that the main reason most households are dual income now is because they 'expect so much out of life, whereas in the 50s people were happy with what they had' (or words to this effect). Apart from the plethora of issues that the 1950s carried, which she agreed was true, I argued that most households could survive on one income fairly comfortably because housing wasn't as expensive as it is today, compared to the salaries that people make. Nowadays it's very hard to get a mortgage with one income, especially if you haven't had money gifted to you. And if you rent, that a crazy cost too. She argued it was the same as in the 1950s, except people didn't 'expect to go on holiday every year or go out for fancy dinners, and were happy with their little house that wasn't that great.' I told her that as a family, we would bloody love 'a little house that wasn't that great' - please can she show us one that we can afford on my husband's salary alone, like people did in the 50s?

She then told me that if we really wanted to, we could move into something like that and I could be a stay at home mum, but that we want to live in a 'fancy area' so don't. She told me we'd be able to afford a house on just my husband's salary if we lived outside London. Not true, but the main thing that irked me was the implication that I'm working my (genuinely low paid) job because we want to live a luxury lifestyle/won't 'lower ourselves' to a cheaper area. She even said that she'd have been prepared to move to the other side of the country if it meant she could stay at home with her children instead of going to work.

What also irks me is that I can see where she's coming from - in theory if we moved to Derbyshire or somewhere very far away we could potentially buy a house and I wouldn't technically have to work. It feels as if my mother is saying that it's not OK to not want to do that - as a parent you have to make every sacrifice in order to stay at home with your child. Even if it means giving up all your family's support around you/living in a place you're unfamiliar with. On a personal note, my husband is visually impaired and unable to drive, so moving out of a city is also very difficult for us transport-wise, but I feel like we shouldn't have to justify ourselves with this??

I know she'd just tell me that she was giving her opinion and I shouldn't be so sensitive about it, but am I being unreasonable to think that it's OK to work in order to not have to give up almost everything in your life? Or is the most important thing staying at home with your child?

Find an office space to work from. Leave your mother alone so she can concentrate on reading the Daily Mail.

You make the decisions for you and your family not her - so find a way to convey that to her.

Honestly though SHAM or working - I've literally had same female relatives pick fights with both - when I pointed this out to MIL her response was I should look after the kids in day and work all night to "contribute" - apparently sleep wasn't a thing I needed. Even P/T other's find fault - weekends and evening to.

You do what best for you and your kids and ignore everyone else - and make changes if and when needed.

Its the long term she's not thinking about. Yes its lovely to stay at home in the first few years if you can and you want to but soon they're at school and what kind of role model are you if you just stay at home with no-one to look after. You've lost your career in some fields and you certainly don't have the flexibility that long term employers provide (i worked just school hours for the early primary years for example).

Then when dc need/ want financial help through university or you want to take them on Holiday or they want to do an expensive a hobby or they have medical needs that are expensive you can't afford it as you haven't worked .

She's just projecting her own shortcomings onto you. Smile and ignore and don't work from her house.

I'd query her thinking. Women who were SAHM in the 1950s are in their 90s now. So that seems an odd reference point. It was very difficult for women to work then. They were expected to resign on marriage. In the sixties it was more open and many women were offered training as there were shortages of teachers etc. Many families lived as extended family with horrible overcrowding in the 50s. Once women started working there were more opportunities to earn enough as a household to get a mortgage. Then prices shot up!

Women who are grandmas now had families in the 80s and 90s when most mums worked. That was the experience of me and people I know anyway

She'd criticise whatever you do.
You'll never please her, so stay away and please yourself instead.

Work from your own home.

Roll your eyes at your mum, “well, things are very different now but ok…” And change the subject.

You will never ever ever ever be able to argue with someone who has strong ideas about either staying at home or going to work. Don’t even bother trying (I know it’s so hard!!!!!! and you’re both right, rent col etc is more expensive but also people nowadays do expect more and have more luxuries)

This is an extremely patronising and, dare I say it, outdated attitude towards the importance and value of parenting/care giving. I have a rewarding and interesting career that I worked hard for and am well remunerated for. I still absolutely loved taking care of my little one when on mat leave and I'm excited to do it again soon. I went back to work part time because as the OP says, it is extremely hard to afford a family on one income.

The idea that stay at home parenting is only for dull, boring or low paid people is extremely offensive. It's also not a very feminist attitude as most people who do stay at home parenting are women. I know it's not for everyone but no need to look down on people who do.

1. why are you sending an unwell child to nursery? Hardly fair on your child/other children when they then catch the bug, and their parents.
2. you and your mum both have valid points about people expecting more from life now (holidays, eating out etc)/cost of housing today often requiring dual incomes
3. Of course it’s ok to work when you don’t absolutely have to - you may want to feel fulfilled in a job or climb the career ladder/not be just mum all day every day/not be financially reliant now and in the future on your husband/afford to live in the area you want or have the lifestyle you want. Of course all of these choices have consequences of one kind or another.

I just wanted to say that no one in life can guilt-trip you like your own mother!
She may have a point about women being very preoccupied with jobs these days - but the same could be said about men. I like to think that technology will eventually free up the time of both men and women so that they can spend more quality time in the family unit whilst still doing work that is rewarding and meaningful rather than a repetitive grind involving stressful commutes and long hours.

@Sevendayhigher We left renting In Richmond ( we lived on Richmond Hill) for a city 100 miles away to be able to afford a house-

But it was hard emotionally leaving friends and family behind.

I’m visiting mum now and Richmond is lovely , right by the park- but I couldn’t afford a house here, only a flat- and my son ( now adult)doesn’t live here, either!

There are lots of women here who don’t work ( rich husbands) and they have Nannies despite not working.

House prices in relation to earnings are massive now.

Your mum if she bought in London in 1950’s would probably have paid very little.
( Depending on area)
Almost certainly under £10,000 ( Ten thousand) .

Wish I could buy. House in Richmond for £10k hahaha! The dream 😭😂

I’m guessing that she really isn’t very intelligent, so try to take no notice of her nonsense.

If your child is unwell, he should be at home, not in nursery. It's not fair on him, and it's not fair on the other children who could pick up what he has. And it's not fair on their parents who will then have to take time off work to look after them.

My parents are generally really supportive people but they are also the absolute definition of baby boomers. My Mum barely worked when we were younger due to my Dads salary and then when she went back to work she earnt nowhere near as much money as I do and worked no where near the amount of hours I do either. Yet she still gives us all lectures on how well they did on budgeting and how careful they were - not like us. She leaves out how her father gave her enough money to pay off there first mortgage or that she inherited a lot of money or even that my well paid job doesn't pay nearly as much as there joint pensions and cash investments each month.
None of these things were an option for me although they did help me buy a house. I find conversations with them about money and careers completely un relatable tbh.

I would just ignore your mum. She's talking about ideals from years ago, not about the world we live in now.

Find reasons why you need to work from your own home more often. That’s an important step for you I think, OP. Presumably Granny can pick up from nursery on occasion and have DS at her house til you get there? Give her a job!

@Sevendayhigher i would make the point to your Mum that in the 1950s men were lawfully paid more than women. Men’s wages were supposed to be sufficient to support a family whereas women’s wages were seen as pin money.

The best example is Birmingham Council going bankrupt now due to the historic equal pay cases. Refuse Collectors (men) being paid much more than care workers (women) for jobs of equal value.

But I think with a little girl it's quite effective to point to all the things you're doing to give her the best opportunities in life and then say, "What is the point in any of this if she's just going to stay at home after the age of 30?"

Well obviously not if the mother doesn't feel like that about her own daughter?

Is your Mother 95? Why would she say 1950s and not 1980s or 90s when she might have been a parent? What would the 1950s have to do with it?

Your mom is technically right on some points but who cares? Yes you could technically do the things she's listed but if you don't want to then what does it matter. I work now but I was a SAHP for a few years and I had the opposite - some snidey and judgy comments which made me feel shit for a while but truly moms get this (usually from other women!) all the time. It's usually people projecting their own neurosis and the greatest gift we can ourselves is is to have confidence in our decision making. (I'm back at work now and my MIL raised her eyebrows vv high because my youngest starts nursery at 8am for two days a week. She had also been sniffy about the smaller house we lived in when I was at home - truly, truly moms cannot win!)

I'm glad my parents didn't think that way and my mum worked full time from when I was at school.

I did come across that attitude from conversations with others though about why I worked. Because I am the main earner in the house and we would like to pay the mortgage!

My mother is the same. It's just out of date thinking on her part - unable to grasp how crippling mortgage and rents now are as a percentage of anyone's income.

Interestingly, my grandmother (long dead, born in 1908), had a better grasp of it as in pre second ww times, rents were expensive (mortgages completely out of reach) and she always said to budget a third of income for rent. As a result, she always did something to earn extra money (obvs 'proper' jobs weren't available to her for other societal reasons).

It was really just that post war, pre-1980s generational sweet spot where mortgages and rents could be covered by one income which has given people of that time a view which is no longer accurate.

There was nothing in your post OP which sounded unreasonable or ill-considered.

Just continue nodding and smiling whenever she brings it up, and gently pointing out that there are a few other considerations, but don't get into proper discussion and trying to detail justifications for your actions as it leads nowhere.

We have had similar. Less direct in a more ‘we dont like nurseries or non family childcare for young children’.

We have had to ignore because you have to understand this is their whole identity. They literally gave up their lives to look after children (or didnt have one to begin with as got pregnant/married young).

If they accept that was not necessary or pointless then what has their whole life been for?

So you cant really say ‘that’s not enough for me’ without also being a dick.

Just chalk it up to different life choices.

But I would consider moving out of where you are. Shes right whats the point in all this. If you’re on a low wage then what does it matter. Having a secure future and housing is very important. Having kids will mean you make new friends/ support networks quickly.

What can your mother possibly know about the 1950s? My mother was a SAHM in the 1950s, and our family lived with my grandparents until I was born in the 1960s, when they moved into our family home.

I'm 60 and my mother was in her 30s when I was born. Can't imagine your Mum experienced parenting in the 60s, let alone the 50s, so she needs to quit banging on about it.

I have had this and found it irritating. When you are dealing with an ill toddler even more so it is the last thing you need to hear. The bottom line is life is a compromise. Many of us worked both to do the best we thought for our kids and also to do the best for ourselves. There were times when I really wanted to stay at home, but on balance I was clear that this was not the right thing for me or the kids. I still think (now they are grown up), that I was right. Others reach a perfectly valid different view. My response (difficult though it is), to mum who thinks knows best (and does not), would be to smile and nod and then ignore. She raised kids in a different time with different dynamics and pressures. You need to do what is right for you.