AIBU husband upsetting me 5 months pregnant

[hellogoodbye91]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4, no children (just yet!)

We have had a couple of losses the last 3 years but finally conceived our much-wanted rainbow baby in September and I’m now 20 weeks pregnant.

He has always been a good husband. However, recently he seems to resent absolutely everything I do.

Today’s example: As it’s currently snowing/icy (has been for last 3 days) and I work from home. I’ve been staying in right now, because I’m scared of driving on the ungritted roads, or slipping on pavements full of black ice.

As I’ve had losses before, I’m quite anxious and have had additional mental health support for this pregnancy.

We usually buy our groceries separate as DH doesn’t like to eat meals together (he doesn’t eat carbs) and so today, as he was already going to get his grocery shop and our household bits, I asked him if he could get me 10 items from the shop for me to eat while he was there, as I had ran out of food.

He reluctantly said yes, but made it clear I needed to “pay him back straight away“ so that he’s “not out of pocket”. I agreed and said I always do!

His argument is that I should have just gotten a grocery delivery in and that he “didn’t necessarily need his stuff straight away” so it was putting him out to go. But personally, even if he wasn’t going straight away, I think it’s the least a husband can do is to pick some bits up for his pregnant wife while he goes to get stuff for himself. Don’t know if I’m alone there.

Anyway, flash forward to him coming back from the shops and I run to the door to open it for him in case he’s struggling with bags. Straight away he berates me and says I’m no help anyway and that he’s had to traipse around finding “obscure” items for me (it was items like bread, ham, pasta and a few frozen bits).

He then, quite literally, throws the receipt down in front of me and says the least I can do is sort that out and pay him now.

Bearing in mind, while he was out I did the dishes, dried the dishes and put the clothes washing away, but I got berated because I “don’t do anything.” He told me he did a spring clean of the cupboards earlier on “for me” and that I should have been doing that myself - he says he has to do everything for me and that he has run around all night after work doing stuff for me (the cupboards - which I never asked him to do - and the shop).

I work myself in the day, Monday-Friday, 9-5, and last weekend spent my time spring cleaning multiple rooms myself. However, he says “I don’t do anything”.

I started to get really upset at this point and asked him why he was seeking out an argument with his pregnant wife. He will never just let something drop once he’s in a mood and he doesn’t let me being pregnant stop him - he’ll have at me regardless.

AIBU to be really angry and upset here. I am so disappointed. I honestly feel as though he just resents me existing right now.

This post is bizarre, you do your own separate food shops?! I’m all for 50/50 splitting the finances but this takes it to another level.

If he’s whinging now about doing all that housework, fuck me he’s in for a rude awakening when the baby comes especially if you have a C-section.

Good luck OP, you’re going to need it when baby arrives. Hopefully you have a straight forward birth and need no time at all to heal and get to grips with being a parent and find a way to function with no sleep because it sounds like he’s not going to allow anything else without abusing you and blaming his parents for his disgusting behaviour.

Great husband you got there.

Absolutely agree with you. We did chat about these things last night (in the past we seemed to be on same page, but in practice he seems to be getting super stressed and worried and taking it out on me.) He can be VERY black and white and pinickity... I've often told him to go for an autism assessment, but he won't go.

The problem is that a partnership and parenthood both involve collaborating towards a shared vision, effective communication, sharing commitment, investing time and resources. Your relationship shows no evidence of the two of you being able to collaborate as a team, and the finances are a key part of that. Sharing is NOT about counting who paid what and redividing money, nor totting up hours spent cleaning a cupboard, it is each of you investing unequal bits of effort into the partnership. You need to understand how normal relationships work to see how to improve matters.

Sounds that perhaps he's afraid of his increased responsibilities in the future when he becomes a Dad and has you and baby to look after and that's affecting his attitude?

“I don't think he should be getting so snippy at me while I'm pregnant”

In this situation why has being pregnant got anything to do with it? He shouldn’t be behaving like this full stop.

I’m guessing he is feeling overwhelmed with the baby - maybe not sure he wants the upheaval to his very structured life?
if a person is not happy to buy food for his pregnant wife…goodness knows what he would be like when you have a small baby. Please get some counselling to sort out if this marriage is going to be viable for you

I think it's understandable right now that you don't want to think of your husband as the bad man that posters are unanimously saying.

Many of the posters will have direct experience in this exact situation and are well aware what is coming your way.

You don't seem to want to believe it.

So I think the best thing you can do is to be forewarned and forearmed, as I think most of us here are well aware you will be divorced, hopefully the sooner the better for yours and your babies sake. My advice to you, is DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR CAREER. You will need it when the penny drops.

Do you love each other? Are you happy living in such a transactional relationship? I think he needs to go to the GP (or private therapy if you as a couple can afford it - it’s not a luxury it is essential healthcare and will be worth it.) and get some mental health support for his anxiety. It’s not acceptable for him to take it out on you and you need to make it extremely clear that you won’t tolerate it. This is his problem and he needs to sort it out rapidly, so that he can support you and his child.
Once he has his own head straight maybe couples counselling would help as it sounds like you have fallen into some dysfunctional behaviours.
If you mention this behaviour to your midwife they may be able to offer additional support.

Agree with you. We always eat together around the table but just different "stuff". I want him to eat the same as me regardless of his dietary needs as I think it can be adapted. He has now agreed to that.

Does he understand that everything can't be exactly 50/50 when the baby comes? I had c sections and breastfed, and for the first couple of weeks that's pretty much all I did. DH did all nappies, all housework and all cooking - and that wasn't him doing more than 50%, because I was working fucking hard sitting on that sofa, and most importantly he saw that.

This in spades. Recovery is so important, from both the birth and from being pregnant; and bonding with your baby, establishing breastfeeding, dealing with the rollercoaster hormones, lochia, random sweats, everything. And a lot of the recovery and baby care looks a lot like sitting down or sleeping. To any good partner, they’ll recognise that the point of their paternity is to take on the bulk of other stuff so the mother can take care of the baby. But it sounds like your DH might take a black and white stance and resent your rest and recuperation if it means he has to do a little more. But the thing about kids is, for a long time both parents have to do a lot more! Is he resentful that he’s getting an inkling of how life is going to be?

Have you had discussions of what maternity leave is going to look like? Be really careful not to fall into the trap of thinking “I’m at home with the baby, I can do all the household stuff during naps”, and of being the expert in the baby. Because at the end of the year, you go back to work and the pattern has been set that you do all of the household stuff alongside work while he does nothing, you do all the baby stuff because you’re the expert, and it’s really hard to move the needle back to equality. Let him figure out how to burp and wind the baby his way, how to get the baby to sleep his way, how to change nappies his way. Make sure he maintains his share of chores even if you get a cot-napping baby and could theoretically take on his stuff: no! Sit. Cup of tea. TV. You get a break in the day too. And when the year’s up, you return to work with 50/50 chores instead of an upset.

This. Fucking hell!

LTB.

Yeah, this is how I used to live with my flatmate when we were in our 20s. Splitting the food cost, keeping things separate, paying each other back straight away if the other bought stuff for you...

But even we were polite to each other and never complained or demanded anything.

He sounds like an absolute prick and why the hell you have decided to have a baby with him I do not know (well, I do, you were clearly desperate for a baby and probably didn't want to leave him and start again with someone else). But he will only get worse once this baby arrives.

It could be that the change is freaking him out if he is potentially ND. Not saying that he has sadistic motives or anything - he might be lashing out out of fear. However, this sort of person doesn’t make a good co-parent I’m afraid and you will increasingly see this. He finds it hard to cope with a change of routine when you are pregnant so when a baby comes along, it will all implode. If you want to stay with him, be prepared to effectively parent him too and be prepared to let his horrible remarks wash over you unless you want to spend the whole time in tears. It would involve a change of mindset and mentally checking out of your marriage. For me I’d try to get out as soon as I could though because it’s no way to live.

'He reluctantly said yes, but made it clear I needed to “pay him back straight away“ so that he’s “not out of pocket”. I agreed and said I always do! '

I can't get my head around this. This would only be acceptable if you were not in a relationship and lived as renters in a house share.

You are not a couple in his mind.

It will get much worse when the baby arrives as he will expect you to foot the bill for the baby stuff.

He sounds thoroughly unpleasant.

Whether he consciously realises it or not, this bloke is put out that you need support and care when you’re pregnant and that there’s going to be a baby taking up your attention and devotion too. He’s not going to be number one any more and he’s not going to get to just look out for himself. And his attitude to money absolutely sucks. He’s going to be one of these who decides his money is for him and your money is for everything for the home and baby.

OP was this way of dealing with money all his idea/demand and you went along with it? It’s not normal at all in a marriage or cohabiting LTR, especially with kids, you share the money, workload and responsibilities.

As PPs have said this is not going to work and you need to get out. It’s statistically highly likely he will get worse, both when the baby arrives and when you end the relationship. Now is the time to get outside support - family, friends, women’s aid, MW and GP onside, and a lawyer. If there are any shared savings take out your half and put in your own account (though this seems unlikely given what he’s like).

I’m not going to blame you, women are brought up to prioritise and appease men without even realising how much, and to think being in a relationship is the happiest state to be in, and when you’re invested into a relationship you often try to compartmentalise and make excuses and be accommodating. (Done it myself.) This is on him, he’s shitty, selfish and uncaring and you’re suffering from it.

But you do need to get away from him. You’ve posted because you know something is really wrong and you shouldn’t be treated like this. MN is a hive of accumulated wisdom and experience - everyone’s own experiences and the experience of reading a million threads from women who don’t realise how abusive their OH is. It’s also a huge support and source of advice and understanding you need when you’re going through this. Please keep posting and use MN for support. You don’t deserve this, nor does your baby and you don’t have to put up with it.

Most people wouldn't treat a friend like this, let alone their pregnant life partner.

(I mean the grouching about getting some groceries and then demanding immediate payment).

Even a half decent flatmate would pick up stuff for a pregnant woman without a fuss, unless they were penniless.

Agree with part of this but he absolute WILL do this still when they've got a newborn. We read it all the time on here. As if a bloke like this gives a toss whether his wife is tired or needs help.

Let him eat what he wants! You’re seriously focusing on the wrong things here and this is not the solution you seem to think it is. You don’t have to share finances, you don’t have to eat the exact same meals. You do however need to treat your partner with respect and consideration and you need to be flexible and tolerant (these are points for him). Sit him down and instead of saying he needs to change what he eats, say that you are very concerned about his disrespectful and angry way of speaking to you and that you are worried that this will get worse once the baby arrives. It’s on him to sort it out and he probably needs counselling to do so.

First of all what's a rainbow baby? Your relationship doesn't sound very healthy not the kind you want to bring a child into.

I don't want to pile on the negativity but unless he has a serious change of attitude this marriage is absolutely doomed.

Also you will be going out to work will you not?

This is not a marriage. Time to put a stop to this nonsense.

"He has always been a good husband.""

From what you're writing, it doesn't sound like it! I find the whole shopping separately and demanding you to pay for the few items you ask absolutely mad and not the sign of a great partnership. I doubt that the sharing of the chores has been equal even before, and it's only getting worse now. He's behaving like a man child as he realises that your focus and energy will be spend on someone else but him now you're pregnant/are having a baby soon.
From reading this only, I'd want to tell you to leave him as he sounds obnoxious and childish, but I know as you're pregnant and have been planning a future with him, you might not want to hear this.
Xx