AIBU husband upsetting me 5 months pregnant

[hellogoodbye91]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4, no children (just yet!)

We have had a couple of losses the last 3 years but finally conceived our much-wanted rainbow baby in September and I’m now 20 weeks pregnant.

He has always been a good husband. However, recently he seems to resent absolutely everything I do.

Today’s example: As it’s currently snowing/icy (has been for last 3 days) and I work from home. I’ve been staying in right now, because I’m scared of driving on the ungritted roads, or slipping on pavements full of black ice.

As I’ve had losses before, I’m quite anxious and have had additional mental health support for this pregnancy.

We usually buy our groceries separate as DH doesn’t like to eat meals together (he doesn’t eat carbs) and so today, as he was already going to get his grocery shop and our household bits, I asked him if he could get me 10 items from the shop for me to eat while he was there, as I had ran out of food.

He reluctantly said yes, but made it clear I needed to “pay him back straight away“ so that he’s “not out of pocket”. I agreed and said I always do!

His argument is that I should have just gotten a grocery delivery in and that he “didn’t necessarily need his stuff straight away” so it was putting him out to go. But personally, even if he wasn’t going straight away, I think it’s the least a husband can do is to pick some bits up for his pregnant wife while he goes to get stuff for himself. Don’t know if I’m alone there.

Anyway, flash forward to him coming back from the shops and I run to the door to open it for him in case he’s struggling with bags. Straight away he berates me and says I’m no help anyway and that he’s had to traipse around finding “obscure” items for me (it was items like bread, ham, pasta and a few frozen bits).

He then, quite literally, throws the receipt down in front of me and says the least I can do is sort that out and pay him now.

Bearing in mind, while he was out I did the dishes, dried the dishes and put the clothes washing away, but I got berated because I “don’t do anything.” He told me he did a spring clean of the cupboards earlier on “for me” and that I should have been doing that myself - he says he has to do everything for me and that he has run around all night after work doing stuff for me (the cupboards - which I never asked him to do - and the shop).

I work myself in the day, Monday-Friday, 9-5, and last weekend spent my time spring cleaning multiple rooms myself. However, he says “I don’t do anything”.

I started to get really upset at this point and asked him why he was seeking out an argument with his pregnant wife. He will never just let something drop once he’s in a mood and he doesn’t let me being pregnant stop him - he’ll have at me regardless.

AIBU to be really angry and upset here. I am so disappointed. I honestly feel as though he just resents me existing right now.

@Tubetrain we do share finances... Do you often attack pregnant women online?

Please talk to the midwife, pregnancy is a trigger point for DV. You have said multiple times you don’t like how he talks to you, this will only get worse.

He reluctantly said yes, but made it clear I needed to “pay him back straight away“ so that he’s “not out of pocket”. I agreed and said I always do!

That doesn't sound like shared finances.

If you have a think about it though - did you never have issues because you always went along with how he wanted to do things?

i wonder if the issue is that OP has actually been doing much more than 50% - earning more money and likely doing more in the house and her husband has been enjoying being carried along and enjoying a 100% lifestyle while doing 30%.

So he’s now acting aggressively to the fact that OP is (very validly) stating that she’s doing a lot carrying the baby.

I don’t understand separate finances when you’re married. It creates a lot of issues and the whole point of marriage is your assets are no longer legally separate so it’s a total fallacy.

I think part of the issue may be that your husband grew up in a dynamic where the mum did everything and the dad did nothing - and now sees anything he does as an imposition as he’s assessing himself against the standard of his dad. The bar needs to be a lot higher!

You sound like 2 lodgers living together,not a husband and wife. It's only going to get worse 😔

No red flags at all? Even if you are brutally honest with yourself?
Often pregnancy triggers abuse for the first time. I also wonder whether he actually wants this as much as you do. Seems like he wants to be independent and is angry at any dependency on your part. I’d be worried about this - either it will get worse or he will be off within a relatively short period of time. He doesn’t strike me as the family man provider type.

The separate food shops/finances thing is crazy and will not end well.

However - it sounds like you talked to him about all this, and he's being quite receptive? That sounds fairly healthy to me?

Proof is in the pudding of course. But having a baby is a huge life event which can be very stressful, and if you have any extra stress involved (like losses, MH issues) it can compound easily. You're right, there isn't as much obvious support for dads, but I have heard of some organisations - might be worth a bit more research.

I'd say keep talking. Oh and sort out the money/food stuff before the baby comes.

Oof OP. I think you're in for a very tough time when the baby arrives. Whatever you do, don't give up work or cut hours, you're going to be glad of that financial independence.

Does he understand that everything can't be exactly 50/50 when the baby comes? I had c sections and breastfed, and for the first couple of weeks that's pretty much all I did. DH did all nappies, all housework and all cooking - and that wasn't him doing more than 50%, because I was working fucking hard sitting on that sofa, and most importantly he saw that.

This strikes me as a man who thinks you'll be having "time off" on maternity leave when it's anything but. I think you need some really frank discussions about how this is going to work, as well as the mental load.

The day my DH says I need to pay him back for some ham, bread and fish fingers (which is literally keeping his child alive) I will tell him FO.

I agree that the unusual finances are a red herring. If you've ended up with separate food budgets then it's not unreasonable for the higher earner A to repay the lower earner B if B does A's shopping.

The problem is his attitude, which is full of red flags. He appears to be starting to see you as a freeloader, even though you're paying your way, working full time, and pulling your weight with the housework. Like everyone else I'm really worried that this is paving the way to very serious abuse once you're on maternity leave.

Yeah well I'd be getting my papers in order and getting a divorce right now.

Firstly as someone who went flying on the ice last night and is suffering for it this morning... and I'm not pregnant.. you are doing the right thing about being cautious!

Secondly your husband is not coming across as a good man here. He might be scared, he might be scarred from his upbringing, he might just be a twat! The reality is that you need better from him for the rest of your pregnancy and throughout baby/childhood or life is going to be miserable.

I'd suggest sitting him down and talking it all through. Get him some baby books, go to a baby class, or get some marital counselling but do something. Now. Before you are trying to 'Do it All' 4 weeks post partum with a c-section wound!

Remember the first 6 weeks of maternity leave in the UK are essentially sick leave - a recovery period... he should not expect you to return home from hospital and go back to full household chores!

You have a very unusual, peculiar, marriage and I do not understand why you want a child with this extremely strange man. Things are not going to improve when you have the baby.

He is selfish and unreasonable. If this is a new thing I wonder if he has someone else.

I will say this one more time... we take our shopping out of the joint account, which we both input 50/50 into for food/groceries each month. DH gets additional meat as he can't eat most carbs for dietary purposes, but he gets that additional meat from his own pocket as he feels it's unfair for me to pay for additional expensive meat when he eats it. We don't currently have cards for our joint account, and so we transfer the money to ourselves when we've used our own cards at the shop from our joint - this is both of us, not just him. If I go to the shops I do this too. I'm bothered about how he spoke to me and threw the receipt down and told ME to calculate taking his personal items off it there and then. It was his receipt and I don't think he should be getting so snippy at me while I'm pregnant.

It does sound like he is very reliant on things being 'just so' and there's an element of control freakery about it all, including the dinners. Trouble is a baby is going to blow all that out of the water. It won't do what he wants when he wants it to, there isn't a manual he can follow, it is all just winging it and rolling with constant changes. How is he going to handle that do you think?

Oh man... you're in for a surprise after birth. So sorry for you.

I honestly cannot imagine living like this or thinking this was a good set up to bring a baby into, it’s not a marriage it is literally like housemates. How do you see this working with a baby? I’ll tell you what it will look like:

”No, I’m not feeding baby I fed her at 2am while you slept”
”I changed the last nappy you are doing this one”
“I sterilised the bottles this morning I’m not doing them again”
”I paid for X for the baby so you need to pay for Y”

I don't understand how the first discussion of splitting finances went when you got married. How on earth did this bizarre situation arise?

get out of there. Read your posts back and think what you'd advise a mum or sister saying those things to you?

I'm sorry you are experiencing this but I'm going to be blunt.
This marriage will not last.
He has no respect for you, and without that, you cannot possibly love someone.
I suspect you are staying put as you want the family thing and need the 'security' right now.
As pp have stated, what you have outlined will only get 100 x worse when the baby arrives.
Start planning on getting your ducks in a row and being a single parent now. I'm probably 20yrs older than you, two abusive marriages down the line and this is how it starts - lack of respect. Also, most people don't change, he's highly likely to escalate his nastiness once baby arrives.

Yes I agree with this. It sounds like he can’t admit to himself that he doesn’t want a family so instead it manifests in anger at the OP. Separate finances are pretty normal and it’s actually not true that marriage makes assets joint - we don’t have community of property in this country and assets are only joint if they were bought jointly/are in joint names.
What’s not normal is low level anger at a pregnant spouse and resentment at having to do things to help her. Some men react this way if their wife becomes seriously ill too.

Unless he’s prepared to get some major therapy to sort out his issues, I think this relationship sounds doomed which OP will increasingly see once the resentment also transfers to their child and she might be less prepared to tolerate it.

This isn’t a marriage, you are living like flat mates. How are your children going to grow up concerning food and meal times?

For us family time revolves around sitting down at the table and sharing a meal together. We chat about how everyone’s day has gone, we laugh, we enjoy each other’s company and we enjoy our food. I know not everyone is the same but I do think most families share some family time sitting together and sharing a meal.

This is not a marriage, please get yourself out of this mess

He was receptive and apologetic, but I'm still just really annoyed with him!