AIBU husband upsetting me 5 months pregnant

[hellogoodbye91]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4, no children (just yet!)

We have had a couple of losses the last 3 years but finally conceived our much-wanted rainbow baby in September and I’m now 20 weeks pregnant.

He has always been a good husband. However, recently he seems to resent absolutely everything I do.

Today’s example: As it’s currently snowing/icy (has been for last 3 days) and I work from home. I’ve been staying in right now, because I’m scared of driving on the ungritted roads, or slipping on pavements full of black ice.

As I’ve had losses before, I’m quite anxious and have had additional mental health support for this pregnancy.

We usually buy our groceries separate as DH doesn’t like to eat meals together (he doesn’t eat carbs) and so today, as he was already going to get his grocery shop and our household bits, I asked him if he could get me 10 items from the shop for me to eat while he was there, as I had ran out of food.

He reluctantly said yes, but made it clear I needed to “pay him back straight away“ so that he’s “not out of pocket”. I agreed and said I always do!

His argument is that I should have just gotten a grocery delivery in and that he “didn’t necessarily need his stuff straight away” so it was putting him out to go. But personally, even if he wasn’t going straight away, I think it’s the least a husband can do is to pick some bits up for his pregnant wife while he goes to get stuff for himself. Don’t know if I’m alone there.

Anyway, flash forward to him coming back from the shops and I run to the door to open it for him in case he’s struggling with bags. Straight away he berates me and says I’m no help anyway and that he’s had to traipse around finding “obscure” items for me (it was items like bread, ham, pasta and a few frozen bits).

He then, quite literally, throws the receipt down in front of me and says the least I can do is sort that out and pay him now.

Bearing in mind, while he was out I did the dishes, dried the dishes and put the clothes washing away, but I got berated because I “don’t do anything.” He told me he did a spring clean of the cupboards earlier on “for me” and that I should have been doing that myself - he says he has to do everything for me and that he has run around all night after work doing stuff for me (the cupboards - which I never asked him to do - and the shop).

I work myself in the day, Monday-Friday, 9-5, and last weekend spent my time spring cleaning multiple rooms myself. However, he says “I don’t do anything”.

I started to get really upset at this point and asked him why he was seeking out an argument with his pregnant wife. He will never just let something drop once he’s in a mood and he doesn’t let me being pregnant stop him - he’ll have at me regardless.

AIBU to be really angry and upset here. I am so disappointed. I honestly feel as though he just resents me existing right now.

Wow, I hope you have a good support network for when the baby is here. Honestly I struggled to read beyond the 'out of pocket' comment. I wonder who will be paying for all the baby stuff?

OP, you’re getting upset by people keeping coming back to your finances. But that’s because they don’t make any sense to us (even with your joint account), so they are pointing it out.

You are upset by how he spoke to you.

It’s like you have a broken leg but you are more concerned with your ingrown toe nail. Both hurt, but people are telling you, you need to fix your leg first because that’s the bigger problem.

I’m sorry your husband spoke badly to you, but as others can see, he probably had autism which is why he sees things as black and white. A diagnosis won’t change the way he reacts, so you need to get used to doing everything by yourself.

Why the hell have the pair of you decided to bring a child into this mess of a relationship. Christ are you both going to argue over who buys food for the baby ? Huge blown arguments about changing nappies are your future. What a bloody joke.

Same here. Talk about dysfunctional marriage. And they are bring a child into this wacky relationship 🤦🏼‍♀️

I feel really sorry for you OP, this should be a joyful time when your husband should be extra loving, and caring for you. Instead he's being vile and causing you stress and unhappiness.

You need to keep in mind yourself and also make it very clear to him that his disfunctional parents have affected him and the way he is treating you.
Ask him if that's what he wants for his own child!

If this is your first baby and you've had miscarriages in the past he should not be stressing you out, not only it's bad for the baby but you don't want to miscarriage again. You should be resting at home and not walking on ice nor egg shells.

Op the fact that you accepted that behaviour and just saud "I always do" .... Suggests the dynamic in your relationship is fucked up and had been probably since the start.

A normal reaction would be (about both the moaning about getting a few groceries and about the demand for immediate payment) something along the lines of "are you serious? what is wrong with you? You need psychological evaluation".

Not "I always do" and continuing as though everything's on track.

Have you ever read "why does he do that?" But Lundy Bancroft. It's primarily about physical abuse but covers all kinds of abuse and the values men have underpinning it. It's available free online. The "abuser profiles" and "myths about abuse" are a fast way to get into it.

The guy does not sound like partner material. I'm struggling to imagine how he'd be decent father material either.

Maybe it's how he is brain/personality wise ...... That's unfortunate, but it doesn't change the fact that he's not partner material. This is the sort of guy who should be a bachelor.

Dh would go out just for malteasers if I wanted at 10 at night and I'm not pregnant.

I still think that it shows a disconnect and a lack of thinking as a family. Me and my partner buy whatever is on the shopping list, some will be used by us all 2 adults and 2 kids, some will only be eaten by the kids or 1 kids, some by just the adult or 1 adult, but still, the person who goes shopping gets all of the items at once and pays with the joint account without demanding payment for the things they don't use. E.g. I need tampons, mascara, deodorant... that my partner doesn't use, he needs shaving foam, hairspray, foot cream I don't use, and we still pay jointly.
I actually find the paying for your own items understandable, but the physically going separately to buy your separate items so mad!

I struggled to read beyond the 'out of pocket' comment. I wonder who will be paying for all the baby stuff?

Yup.

Don't children cost in the region of 200k to raise?

I couldn't even begin to tot up how much all the baby equipment, nappies, toiletries, formula, clothes, shoes, uniforms, sports stuff, activities/(later) hobbies, outings etc etc have cost and that hasn't even gotten onto childcare costs or school fees or school trips etc etc.

How the fuck is that going to go when he demands immediate payment for some food for his life partner, who's growing his child?!

(That's not even getting on to the resentment and anger about getting that food for his pregnant partner, in bad weather conditions).

OP you know in adverts and cheesy movies where a pregnant woman gets a craving for gherkins and chocolate ice cream and her DH drives around at midnight trying to find them? That’s because that kind of thing happens, in healthy relationships. The man cares and wants his wife to be happy and understands she is in an unusual, hormonal, exhausting state and needs looking after. Obviously she shouldn’t order him around all day, but it’s an example of the give and take that you need in a partnership.

This is what you deserve and so much more. you’re not just earning more, you’re carrying all the emotional load of being let down by this and trying not to mind. It’s OK to mind.

sorry OP but in case you don't already know it he is an absolute arsehole. I couldn't be a minute longer with someone like that

Save yourself the agro and leave now. Things will get a million times worse once you have a baby. He sounds awful

I agree that the way he treats you is horrible and unacceptable, specially as you're pregnant. I do think that the shopping and house chores thing is a sign of him not thinking as equals, and just the tip of the iceberg.

This is an awful thing to post. OP's husband is a dick but that's not going to make her miscarry FFS.

I agree with all this up to the last sentence. It may be that OP has the resilience to cope with her husband's behaviour.

Incidentally, I don't agree with the PP who described him as a 'piece of s..t' If he is autistic as OP suggests , this would fully explain his behaviour and unfortunately he can't really help himself very easily. He could make changes if he really wants to.

One of my sister's split everything down the middle with her ex husband.

Even saved to cover her maternity before going off on maternity, so she'd contribute the same as if she were working.

Note the word ex husband.

In the 22 yrs she stayed with him she developed an alcohol problem, and their dd's were subjected to regular tension, stress etc.

Save yourself and your child the stress, trauma etc.

At first I thought he was really awful and worried about what the future would look like for you but I am a bit reassured by your updates that you have talked, he admitted he is feeling stressed too, he is aware of his parents' situation and how this might impact on him especially when anxious and he is open to agreeing changes.
Well done for managing to get him talking OP. I really hope things get better for you ❤️

Sorry if it feels none of us are saying it clearly - but how he spoke to you (and his actions) were disgusting. My husband never spoke to me like that for either of my pregnancies - he looked after me. After you and your husband both prepared for you not being able to do as much after you have the baby as well? My first DD was a velcro baby and so my husband had to work full time and do more of the housework than before. After my second baby, I've not returned physically how I was before. E.g. I still can't pick anything heavier than than the baby and I had her 4 months ago. My husband obviously has had to be the one to physically do more now, e.g., carry loads of washing upstairs for me, carry suitcases etc. I can't imagine a scenario where he would snipe at me or be mean after I've been the one that's gone through pregnancies and birth and had my body battered. The fact that your husband is speaking to you rudely because you're trying to look after yourself and a very precious human (that you are growing!!) would be unacceptable to me.

He reluctantly said yes, but made it clear I needed to “pay him back straight away“ so that he’s “not out of pocket”. I agreed and said I always do!

Why didn't he just transfer the money to his account from the joint account? And then you send the money to the joint account to cover? Why would he be out of pocket?

You seem to be defending him quite a lot OP and people are just trying to help point out the obvious to you... That this behaviour is not healthy, is pretty nasty towards his wife (pregnant or not) and is actually verging on abusive...

Honestly @hellogoodbye91 this will escalate once the baby arrives. I've seen it happen before my eyes to a good friend of mine. And it only started once she got pregnant.

I think you are getting an insight into the way things will play out when you have a baby. This set up would not be for me at all.

It may be that OP has the resilience to cope with her husband's behaviour.

People in the bdsm community praise submissive's "resilience" and "strength" in taking beatings etc.

Still not healthy.

Nor is this.

This guy does not sound cut out for relationships, let alone parenthood.
I'd worry for a child in his household. I don't mean violence; I mean bad temper, resentment, irritation, lack of tolerance affecting the child's feelings of safety and of self esteem.
And the lessons they're learning about how their Mum is treated.

No-one decent behaves like this about getting some groceries for their pregnant partner in bad weather. Not even just the demand for money, but the resentment, the anger, the irritation etc.

A rainbow baby is a baby conceived after a loss. Instead of having to go into details of how and why you’ve lost a baby, people say it’s’ a rainbow baby. I’d never heard the saying until a friend lost her baby at 30 weeks. So basically a ray of hope after a loss.

I agree. OP you are more than paying your way, you pay more of the mortgage and more of the bills, why on earth is that ? It makes sense when a woman isn’t in paid employment due to child care, or where the difference in wage is huge, but here you pay more than him for your joint house, yet he wants you to instantly pay him back for groceries ?
I agree with everyone else, this nit picking “you owe me £12.25 for food and another £2.50 for those biscuits” does not bode well for him being a caring and generous husband and Dad once you are not working and have a small baby. He will be keeping a running tally of everything you fail to do at home and every penny you spend, expecting you to do all the housework because you are “at home”.
You sound like flatmates who barely know or like each other, I don’t know how you have put up with this level of fussy and pompous self righteousness for a whole decade.