AIBU husband upsetting me 5 months pregnant

[hellogoodbye91]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4, no children (just yet!)

We have had a couple of losses the last 3 years but finally conceived our much-wanted rainbow baby in September and I’m now 20 weeks pregnant.

He has always been a good husband. However, recently he seems to resent absolutely everything I do.

Today’s example: As it’s currently snowing/icy (has been for last 3 days) and I work from home. I’ve been staying in right now, because I’m scared of driving on the ungritted roads, or slipping on pavements full of black ice.

As I’ve had losses before, I’m quite anxious and have had additional mental health support for this pregnancy.

We usually buy our groceries separate as DH doesn’t like to eat meals together (he doesn’t eat carbs) and so today, as he was already going to get his grocery shop and our household bits, I asked him if he could get me 10 items from the shop for me to eat while he was there, as I had ran out of food.

He reluctantly said yes, but made it clear I needed to “pay him back straight away“ so that he’s “not out of pocket”. I agreed and said I always do!

His argument is that I should have just gotten a grocery delivery in and that he “didn’t necessarily need his stuff straight away” so it was putting him out to go. But personally, even if he wasn’t going straight away, I think it’s the least a husband can do is to pick some bits up for his pregnant wife while he goes to get stuff for himself. Don’t know if I’m alone there.

Anyway, flash forward to him coming back from the shops and I run to the door to open it for him in case he’s struggling with bags. Straight away he berates me and says I’m no help anyway and that he’s had to traipse around finding “obscure” items for me (it was items like bread, ham, pasta and a few frozen bits).

He then, quite literally, throws the receipt down in front of me and says the least I can do is sort that out and pay him now.

Bearing in mind, while he was out I did the dishes, dried the dishes and put the clothes washing away, but I got berated because I “don’t do anything.” He told me he did a spring clean of the cupboards earlier on “for me” and that I should have been doing that myself - he says he has to do everything for me and that he has run around all night after work doing stuff for me (the cupboards - which I never asked him to do - and the shop).

I work myself in the day, Monday-Friday, 9-5, and last weekend spent my time spring cleaning multiple rooms myself. However, he says “I don’t do anything”.

I started to get really upset at this point and asked him why he was seeking out an argument with his pregnant wife. He will never just let something drop once he’s in a mood and he doesn’t let me being pregnant stop him - he’ll have at me regardless.

AIBU to be really angry and upset here. I am so disappointed. I honestly feel as though he just resents me existing right now.

Wtf? No carbs?!

Seriously though, what if you had a pregnancy that required bed rest or you needed hospital stays for fluids due to hg or something?
This isn’t a partnership, let alone marriage.
He sounds horrid.

Im not often a LTB brigade member but I’d be very much considering an exit plan, having my ducks neatly lined up.
Babies cause incredible stress to the most loving and caring relationships, I know if my partner behaved the way your DH does my relationship wouldn’t work, I’d honestly be very careful with money and I’d be aware this man will not be fair about anything should your marriage end.

See how it goes, he may surprise everyone once the baby is here and he’s just a dick over pregnancy, but if he gets worse, don’t subject yourself or baby to him.

I wish you all the best with your pregnancy and please start seeking out a good support network. I’ve had a few babies, if you ever need a chat I’m always around for a gab ☺️

This is absolute bullshit. If he was stressed about another possible loss he’d be wrapping you in cotton wool, not being rude to you because his 5 month pregnant wife has run out of food and doesn’t want to walk on icy pavements because of the slip risk.

he’s a selfish (possibly abusive) arsehole.

The other side is that he comes from a family where his Mum did everything and his Dad did NADA. Literally zero. He's more of a mummy's boy than not,

And

he's a good husband

No. No he's not. He's awful.

This is why I advocate for LTB so often on mumsnet. Not just for the miserable women posting, but on behalf of their children, who are getting role modelled terrible terrible relationships, and then go on to marry abusive entitled sexist men because they think it's normal. And say and think things like 'he's a good husband' probably because he is on occasion pleasant to talk to or something. Bar is set so low.

What made you think having a baby with this piece of crap was a good idea?

Exactly my thoughts

We usually buy our groceries separate as DH doesn’t like to eat meals together (he doesn’t eat carbs)

this is going to be very hard to sustain once you are buying food as a family.

What she said. Exactly this. But hopefully you'll be long gone before your baby is born. Far away from a husband who is abusive, selfish and even cruel at times. Just like my ex was. I didn't see much of the cruelty until I too, was pregnant. Please OP, don't push yourself any further into the absolute hell of an abusive husband / father. Please.

This sounds mental. Why don’t you just get one big shop in for things you both like? A married couple using their own money to buy their own food is nuts. It’s only going to get worse when you add a baby into the mix - who buys their food/milk/clothes? You need to have a big long chat about the dynamics of this relationship as you are in for a massive shock with the arrival of a baby. Good luck!

Hadn't had this issue in all our time together until I was about 14 weeks pregnant! I'm not Mystic Meg. 😣

This reads like you’re housemates. What a vile twat.

You're right, send him back to his mummy!

What a dick!

Op, I’m not one to judge how other people run their relationships, usually-but this doesn’t sound anything like a marriage.
You sound like housemates who decided to have a baby together if neither of you were married by a certain age.
Your DH is not acting like a DH, at all.
When it comes to finances, I always say do whatever works for you (because money causes so many arguments in relationships) but this separate shopping thing is more than bizarre. My DH tends to eat completely different stuff to me too, as does my DS, but I still do the shopping, for everyone. And if there’s ever a time I can’t do it, my DH will go off armed with the list and get everything in instead (though I hate this because he always goes off piste 🤣)
Of course he should be doing stuff for you especially whilst pregnant. With your history I’m surprised he hasn’t wrapped you up in cotton wool.

But! Can I just add, him “spring cleaning the cupboards” isn’t doing things for you. Correct me if I’m wrong, but they’re also his cupboards.
My DH is a wonderfully thoughtful man-but he also makes the mistake of saying things like this. “Do you want me to Hoover the stairs for you” or “I’ve emptied the dishwasher for you”
This gives me the rage 🤣

Totally agree. I told him last night he needs to come up with items we CAN eat together so that we can do that with LO and eat as a family going forward (from now). It's not hard to skip the potatoes if they upset you that much IMO!! Anyway, he agreed.

Must be. But now this poor kid will be saddled with this arse as a father. And if the OP stays with him, will see the most fucked up relationship known to man modelled as something normal.

I am guessing he will see all the baby stuff as the OP responsibility, will expect gratitude for getting up in the night once, will rant at OP because the baby is crying, will never take a day off for childcare and will generally make the OP’s life a misery for the next 18 years, whether she stays with him or not.

Oh wow..you are screwed if you ever loose your job or cant work due to medical issues or whatever life throws in your way.
you are funding your maternity out of your savings? Crazy. Is he planning to share a parental leave and do half out of his savings?
out of curiosity…when the baby is little older. Will she/he have own shopping list which you both will split 50/50?

Ltb

Op ru, run , run till there's still time!

OP, what you have written is seriously concerning. He is clearly abusive and is showing you who he really is, now that you are pregnant. Sadly, this is common in cases of abuse. There may have been some signs, but it's typically either after getting married or when a woman has a baby that a man may start or really ramps up the abuse.

Please, get yourself out as soon as you can. This will only get worse and it will affect your child as well. Sorry you're in this situation. You definitely deserve better and so does your child.

Out of curiosity, does he spend a lot of time as the gym and consumes a lot of protein shakes? In other words, is he trying to bulk up?

How is he planning to support you when baby is here? Because he's not even doing the basics right now.

Men, who have seemed pretty 'normal' in a relationship can ramp up abuse as soon as they think their wives/partners are trapped i.e. pregnant or have a new baby. It only gets worse from there. It's worrying that he's treating you like this OP.

However, I would guess that this isn't the first time he's behaved this way. What stood out to me was how you ran to the door to open it in case he was struggling with bags. Has he berated you about that before? How he can't open the door and you're just sitting there?

Think carefully about your future with this man.

It’s not about him having a separate diet. That’s totally normal. Lots of couples have one veggie, one meat eater etc and low carb is normal. You don’t need to eat the same thing. The not normal part is buying your groceries separately and him demanding you pay him back immediately and grumbling about picking up food for you.
He sounds like he resents you and it will get worse once the baby is born.

No, he doesn't go to the gym. He does play sport once a week as a hobby, but the food is because he has certain dietary needs and certain foods make him unwell. Still, I agree that just eating different meals isn't helpful - I think we. Am adapt them and he's agreed to doing so for us as a family. I just think it's daft.

But you got pregnant to someone who doesn't share finances with you?