AIBU husband upsetting me 5 months pregnant

[hellogoodbye91]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4, no children (just yet!)

We have had a couple of losses the last 3 years but finally conceived our much-wanted rainbow baby in September and I’m now 20 weeks pregnant.

He has always been a good husband. However, recently he seems to resent absolutely everything I do.

Today’s example: As it’s currently snowing/icy (has been for last 3 days) and I work from home. I’ve been staying in right now, because I’m scared of driving on the ungritted roads, or slipping on pavements full of black ice.

As I’ve had losses before, I’m quite anxious and have had additional mental health support for this pregnancy.

We usually buy our groceries separate as DH doesn’t like to eat meals together (he doesn’t eat carbs) and so today, as he was already going to get his grocery shop and our household bits, I asked him if he could get me 10 items from the shop for me to eat while he was there, as I had ran out of food.

He reluctantly said yes, but made it clear I needed to “pay him back straight away“ so that he’s “not out of pocket”. I agreed and said I always do!

His argument is that I should have just gotten a grocery delivery in and that he “didn’t necessarily need his stuff straight away” so it was putting him out to go. But personally, even if he wasn’t going straight away, I think it’s the least a husband can do is to pick some bits up for his pregnant wife while he goes to get stuff for himself. Don’t know if I’m alone there.

Anyway, flash forward to him coming back from the shops and I run to the door to open it for him in case he’s struggling with bags. Straight away he berates me and says I’m no help anyway and that he’s had to traipse around finding “obscure” items for me (it was items like bread, ham, pasta and a few frozen bits).

He then, quite literally, throws the receipt down in front of me and says the least I can do is sort that out and pay him now.

Bearing in mind, while he was out I did the dishes, dried the dishes and put the clothes washing away, but I got berated because I “don’t do anything.” He told me he did a spring clean of the cupboards earlier on “for me” and that I should have been doing that myself - he says he has to do everything for me and that he has run around all night after work doing stuff for me (the cupboards - which I never asked him to do - and the shop).

I work myself in the day, Monday-Friday, 9-5, and last weekend spent my time spring cleaning multiple rooms myself. However, he says “I don’t do anything”.

I started to get really upset at this point and asked him why he was seeking out an argument with his pregnant wife. He will never just let something drop once he’s in a mood and he doesn’t let me being pregnant stop him - he’ll have at me regardless.

AIBU to be really angry and upset here. I am so disappointed. I honestly feel as though he just resents me existing right now.

I still don’t understand why you shop separately. Lots of couples eat different things to each other, it doesn’t stop the other party from buying said things. So, why the separate shops? This might seem like a tiny thing to get hung up on, but I’m really interested. As it seems like it might be illustrative of your marriage, as a whole.

Also, your posts have a lot of ‘because I’m pregnant’ and ‘his pregnant wife’ in them. I get why, but please realise that he shouldn’t be speaking to or treating you like this at all, pregnant or not.

OP, you can keep reiterating all you like about the fact you do have joint finances but you can't seem to grasp what majority of posters are saying when they're telling you that your set up is bonkers!
Why does he do a food shop and you do a food shop? Why not just ONE food shop that contains food for you BOTH?! And then having to pay the other person back if you pick up extras for the other person. Utterly bonkers.
Also, surely there are meals that you can both enjoy together? So you have what he's having, plus some potatoes or pasta or whatever? I don't get it.
Like others have said, this doesn't sound like a mutually respectful relationship and I too wonder how on earth he's going to cope with the disruption, tiredness and stress that a baby brings to the mix.
Good luck. You're going to need it.

Op, do other people in your life know what he's been like? Do you have support you can reach out to?

It does feel like you could do with some couples therapy. In my first marriage, my ex husband was controlling with high expectations and was dismissive of any of my efforts. By the end, we certainly weren't a team, I don't think we ever were. We were at war.

Your husband needs to recognise that his partner is not his adversary. He is not at war. This tit for tat behaviour comes from a place of dark resentment, not love, and him not acknowledging your efforts - spring cleaning, etc - but comparing what you've done versus what he's done is an endless battle that you'll never win. The only way I got out of this was with a divorce.

If he's tit for tat now, when you're in the trenches with a new baby, it will be hell on earth. Get that support network in place and ready now and make therapy a priority. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this.

People are getting hung up on your finances for very good reason…I went from being a full time earner to being chronically ill and unable to work as a result of having kids, being pregnant and having a baby puts a woman in an incredibly vulnerable position and to have a spouse who is ALREADY fighting about that you don’t do enough or petty cash receipts ,is incredibly worrying as most of us know what life can be like in the months after having a baby! Babies put strain on all couples but he sounds as if he’s ramped it up only since you were 14 wks .If you felt he was a good husband before ,and didn’t see him as rigid or controlling, do you think he truly wants this baby or do you think he’s become incredibly anxious about how his life is going to change?

Very interesting perspective. It sounds like you're talking from experience. It would be really interesting to get the perspective of an 'autistic' DH.
Would they prefer to do the necessary work to make real changes, which I do believe to be perfectly possible, or would they prefer to stay single?
My hunch is that they don't really want to be alone, but would prefer to do the work if faced with a genuine either/or.
Perhaps that varies with the individual...

I was going to say this. You sound more like roommates in a HMO.

Room mates with benefits ...he's not a partner just a sperm donor....is he ever nice...not just sex?

Why are you married to this man?

Lady, throw this one back. Even pregnant! You will find life gradually gets tougher and tougher and tougher with juggling kids and marriage. A marriage like this will (probably gradually) drain the live from you. Get out now. Organise yourself in preparation for the baby. And go it alone. Terrifying right now… but in five yrs time you ll be a functional human being. If you stay with this fucker, he ll grind you to nothing. And you won’t have the energy to leave when you realise what’s happened. You ll be enmeshed. That’s how these arseholes work.

Many, many men become abusive during their partners pregnancy. I’m sorry but this is likely to get worse the further along your pregnancy gets and during your baby’s early months.

Take it from someone who has been there - go and stay with your mum or someone else who can support you during this time which he is not doing.

and then LTB.

I do agree with you about the labels being used to excuse bad behaviour. However, they are usual in identifying that certain things are much more difficult for a small group of people than for others. So, it may be much more difficult for DH to adapt to change or increased responsibility than it is for most people. To use the jargon, change 'triggers' him.
Therefore, I don't think it's correct to make a judgement about his character. That's for OP. No doubt it's helpful for her to see how strongly many people feel about his behaviour. But at the end of the day she is the person aware of how he's behaved in the past, which she sees to be broadly happy with, I think.
I imagine it's helpful also to be forewarned of potential difficulties going forwards.

Gosh, that unexpectedly make me tear up. What a lovely man!

Op, I have a horrible feeling you are going to get screwed over by this idiot. He should be paying for everything when you're on Mat leave, because you're not earning. How come payments to the mortgage etc are ratio'd when YOU are the higher earner, but not when HE is the higher earner (which he will be, when you're on Mat leave). Why, why why??

He doesn't seem like a team player at all. You are growing HIS baby. Your earning potential will take a hit. Your pension will take a hit. Your health and your body will take a hit. What hits is he taking for the team? I bet he won't do any night feeds, just a hunch.

Big sit down talk is needed, and I think I'd threaten divorce if he doesn't change.

For context, I had an operation recently. Totally due to vanity (I wasn't ill). I didn't cope very well afterwards, my husband called in to work and said he needed a few days off, he got me on the sofa, and he waited on me hand and foot for DAYS. I did nothing until I felt better, and he brought me all my food and drink, and also went to the shops to buy soft foods as I was struggling to chew. Your DH should be showering you with love and care right now.

It is a fallacy (often peddled on MN) to think one loses all financial autonomy just because one is married. That principle went out with the ark, or rather the Married Women’s Property Act in the 19th century!

Married couples are perfectly able to hold their own assets and have their own money, just as all independent adults are able to do. The only point at which marital assets are pooled/shared is at the point of an ancillary relief order during divorce proceedings.

Yeah exactly. Loads of couples have separate finances. Marriage doesn’t affect ownership at all in this country. If your husband has a car, it’s only your joint car legally if it’s in joint names. Equally you are not liable for your spouses debts.

Agree.

Probably start arguing that she fed the baby carbs so no longer his nappies to buy when weaning starts

The point about the joint account is that you are making it unnecessarily complicated and fiddly - in times of stress, you need to simplify everything, make it all smooth and straightforward, so that there are fewer sources of stress, less reasons and opportunities to get "snippy".

Suggestions:

Debit cards each for the joint account. No need to be 'paying back' your personal accounts and totalling up receipts. Absolutely all household and joint and child expenses just come straight out of the joint, so personal accounts are just for personal spends.

Each have overall responsibility for areas of housework, e.g. one person does all the laundry, always, and the other person does all the vacuuming and dusting, one person does the cooking and cleaning the kitchen after on X nights (e.g. Mon, Wed and Thu or whatever) and the other does X nights.
Then crucially, you don't get involved in each other's areas. No nagging or criticising each other.
But bear in mind, you will be doing a hell of a lot less for the first 3-4 months when baby is here, and the volume of laundry will massively increase, so maybe implement a division of responsibilities now with a view to reviewing workloads regularly.

His attitude plus a baby is going to be AWFUL! This is rubbish…..

Absolutely agree, what kind of "husband " is that awful guy🥺

Does anyone really live like this? It all seems so formalised and scaled with no allowances for anyone feeling tired or unwell no compassion...does he understand being pregnant is trying and leaves you uncomfortable unable to sleep? Is he going to expect you to still be doing your share whilst recovering from birth is caring for baby going to count as benefitting both or will you do all that on top of your 50% of chores ...or will you be home doing nothing so it's all yours while he's out working all day?

It sounds like he has shared his feelings with you, apologised and agreed a way forward. So you need to let it go and you both need to cut each other some slack. It's a difficult time and it will get more difficult.

Exactly this. I want to ask your excuse for a husband how he'll be reimbursing you for the experience of growing a child for 9mo and undergoing the birth experience to make sure it's 50-50 too. I'll volunteer for shoving a watermelon up his arse for starters.

All the best for a healthy and positive pregnancy experience to you OP, with or without your 'husband' if he doesn't fix up x

This.
He needs help - suggest he should go, or come with you, to lots of parenting classes, and maybe he needs some counselling, or to go to the GP with anxiety or stress. Help him find the help he needs.
If he resists (which he will), you have to explain that his behaviour is unacceptable and he owes it to you and the baby to sort himself out.

I'm wondering if he's just a "you'll do as a sperm donor" situation because from what you've said, I'd have binned him as a partner, husband, life choice about 3 months in. He sounds like a dick.

Is there a reason why you accept such abhorrent behaviour. God only knows how he will be when you actually have HIS baby.

@hellogoodbye91 This is shocking to read. So petty. It doesn’t auger well for when a baby arrives.
Be prepared to be a single parent.
You aren’t a partnership.