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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU husband upsetting me 5 months pregnant

426 replies

hellogoodbye91 · 09/01/2025 22:34

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4, no children (just yet!)

We have had a couple of losses the last 3 years but finally conceived our much-wanted rainbow baby in September and I’m now 20 weeks pregnant.

He has always been a good husband. However, recently he seems to resent absolutely everything I do.

Today’s example: As it’s currently snowing/icy (has been for last 3 days) and I work from home. I’ve been staying in right now, because I’m scared of driving on the ungritted roads, or slipping on pavements full of black ice.

As I’ve had losses before, I’m quite anxious and have had additional mental health support for this pregnancy.

We usually buy our groceries separate as DH doesn’t like to eat meals together (he doesn’t eat carbs) and so today, as he was already going to get his grocery shop and our household bits, I asked him if he could get me 10 items from the shop for me to eat while he was there, as I had ran out of food.

He reluctantly said yes, but made it clear I needed to “pay him back straight away“ so that he’s “not out of pocket”. I agreed and said I always do!

His argument is that I should have just gotten a grocery delivery in and that he “didn’t necessarily need his stuff straight away” so it was putting him out to go. But personally, even if he wasn’t going straight away, I think it’s the least a husband can do is to pick some bits up for his pregnant wife while he goes to get stuff for himself. Don’t know if I’m alone there.

Anyway, flash forward to him coming back from the shops and I run to the door to open it for him in case he’s struggling with bags. Straight away he berates me and says I’m no help anyway and that he’s had to traipse around finding “obscure” items for me (it was items like bread, ham, pasta and a few frozen bits).

He then, quite literally, throws the receipt down in front of me and says the least I can do is sort that out and pay him now.

Bearing in mind, while he was out I did the dishes, dried the dishes and put the clothes washing away, but I got berated because I “don’t do anything.” He told me he did a spring clean of the cupboards earlier on “for me” and that I should have been doing that myself - he says he has to do everything for me and that he has run around all night after work doing stuff for me (the cupboards - which I never asked him to do - and the shop).

I work myself in the day, Monday-Friday, 9-5, and last weekend spent my time spring cleaning multiple rooms myself. However, he says “I don’t do anything”.

I started to get really upset at this point and asked him why he was seeking out an argument with his pregnant wife. He will never just let something drop once he’s in a mood and he doesn’t let me being pregnant stop him - he’ll have at me regardless.

AIBU to be really angry and upset here. I am so disappointed. I honestly feel as though he just resents me existing right now.

OP posts:
SixtySomething · 10/01/2025 10:03

If he's autistic, he can't cope with change. That would make him super emotional, explaining his irrational and hurtful behaviour.
Secondly, he would lack insight into his behaviour, perhaps even deny that he's doing it, so a form of 'gaslighting'.
However, it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care. He's not able to cope with change although quite reasonable when not challenged in many respects.

Snapplepie · 10/01/2025 10:03

If you love him and want to stay with him, use the time you have before the baby to set your relationship up to survive a new baby. He sounds like he's able to talk about how he feels after the event and even explore why he feels the way he does so maybe a course of marriage counseling focused on how you can work together to manage your responsibilities as a couple would help.

This tit for tat, 50/50 business is absolute poison. Having a baby is absolutely relentless, and it's likely that neither of you will be your best selves at times. It's completely impossible to be 50/50 anyway, how do you weigh the strain of growing a baby, birthing a baby, post partum, breastfeeding etc against the cleaning? If you go into parenting with this mindset you'll both be so resentful of the other.

One of the things that is a huge adjustment when you have a baby is looking after yourself. You can feel like the bottom of the pile, like everyone's needs trump yours and there can be a feeling of guilt around doing anything that helps to maintain your own physical or mental health. To make sure all three of you get what you need to enjoy that first year you need to prioritise looking after each other and each doing what you can on any given day rather than it being completely fair.

Henbags · 10/01/2025 10:04

Why the fuck is he demanding money from you?! You're his wife! What is he going to do when the baby needs something - demand you pay him back for that too? What an absolute bastard. I am so sorry but it sounds like you are going to have no support from this man when the baby is here.

StrawberryDream24 · 10/01/2025 10:04

SixtySomething · 10/01/2025 10:03

If he's autistic, he can't cope with change. That would make him super emotional, explaining his irrational and hurtful behaviour.
Secondly, he would lack insight into his behaviour, perhaps even deny that he's doing it, so a form of 'gaslighting'.
However, it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care. He's not able to cope with change although quite reasonable when not challenged in many respects.

That's all very well ..... But the op is essentially being abused due to his "autism".

And I can imagine any child would be too.

Starlight1984 · 10/01/2025 10:06

SixtySomething · 10/01/2025 10:03

If he's autistic, he can't cope with change. That would make him super emotional, explaining his irrational and hurtful behaviour.
Secondly, he would lack insight into his behaviour, perhaps even deny that he's doing it, so a form of 'gaslighting'.
However, it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care. He's not able to cope with change although quite reasonable when not challenged in many respects.

Why do we have to label everyone's bad behaviour these days?! Not everyone has autism / adhd / ND! Some people are just not nice!

He's a nasty piece of work who doesn't like the fact he's no longer coming to come first in his wife's eyes so is making life particularly difficult and unpleasant for her.

Tale as old as time.

Startinganew32 · 10/01/2025 10:06

SixtySomething · 10/01/2025 09:52

I agree with all this up to the last sentence. It may be that OP has the resilience to cope with her husband's behaviour.

Incidentally, I don't agree with the PP who described him as a 'piece of s..t' If he is autistic as OP suggests , this would fully explain his behaviour and unfortunately he can't really help himself very easily. He could make changes if he really wants to.

Show quote history

Yeah I did call him a pos but at the time I didn’t realise there was potential ND. He is behaving awfully though and autistic people are not immune from being not very nice people.
I did say “for me” I’d leave because I wouldn’t want a situation where I was having to “cope”. The refusal to seek an assessment would be an issue for me - it would only work if he was prepared to seek help and support and work on his issues.

nam3c4ang3 · 10/01/2025 10:07

Never in my life have i wished more for this to be a fake post.

StrawberryDream24 · 10/01/2025 10:10

SixtySomething · 10/01/2025 10:03

If he's autistic, he can't cope with change. That would make him super emotional, explaining his irrational and hurtful behaviour.
Secondly, he would lack insight into his behaviour, perhaps even deny that he's doing it, so a form of 'gaslighting'.
However, it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care. He's not able to cope with change although quite reasonable when not challenged in many respects.

It would be up to him to acknowledge and tackle his behaviour due to any "autism" ...but he won't even consider assessment when requested by his wife - its just an emphatic "NO" from him.

Which says it all.

Some people were meant to be bachelors - they are actually damaging to women and children when they enter into marriages etc due to our "must couple up" culture and due to women who don't have healthy boundaries or expectations, for whatever reasons - staying with them and bringing kids into the world with them.

FancyFran · 10/01/2025 10:10

I find this type of behaviour abusive.
My closest friend spent 14 years in a relationship like this. It effected their children.
I wish you well op but personally I would leave him.

HappyMamma2023 · 10/01/2025 10:11

Oh OP 😯 has your husband always been like this or has he changed with the pressure of the upcoming arrival of the baby? Once our little boy was born by C-section and I was struggling my husband was fantastic. But he was often quiet and moody leading up to the birth and we've talked about it looking back it was the pressure/stress of a bumpy pregnancy and going into the unknown. On a practical pov a joint acc where you both transfer whatever proportion you agree makes things a lot easier. Take care xx

Strictlymad · 10/01/2025 10:14

pregnant or not this doesn’t sound like a marriage!

Outnumbered99 · 10/01/2025 10:17

This wouldn't be a relationship I would like to be in."Out of pocket", honestly? for food for your partner? I have elderly neighbours and when i get bits for them from the shops i wouldn't dream of speaking to them like this, let alone a partner.

He needs to be looking at getting himself serious help at the very least because this is no way to behave and I have a feeling the sleep deprivation and stresses of a newborn aren't going to improve things.

Startinganew32 · 10/01/2025 10:18

Some people were meant to be bachelors . .they are actually damaging to women and children when they enter into marriages etc due to our "must couple up" culture and due to women who don't have healthy boundaries or expectations, for whatever reasons - and who therefore stay with them and bring kids into the world with them.

Exactly and then the cycle continues and those children model what they saw from their parents. There are countless men who don’t even bother seeing their children after divorce. They obviously didn’t want to be parents in the first place and it doesn’t much sound like this guy wants to either.
Someone who can’t cope with change is not a good potential parent unless they have shitloads of therapy to work on it and are acutely aware of their problem. Their kid won’t be any less hurt by the behaviour because that’s the way dad’s brain is wired. If you are with someone who you suspect is ND (which the OP says she has suspected for a while), don’t just plough ahead and create a family as if everything is normal - think extremely carefully about it. The OP’s “solution” of making him adapt his meals (when the actual issue is his anger and irritation and lack of respect and actually removing his control over his food is likely to make him worse) shows that she’s not the sort of person who will co-parent well with someone who has these issues. It won’t work.

Starsandall · 10/01/2025 10:20

It sounds like you’re separate as a couple. The having different food is going to be hard when you have a baby and want to eat as a family. Maybe you both need to compromise and eat each others food some days. Plus if you’re pregnant get it delivered. Could you think of other ways to do things to bring you together as a family? The counting the money seems ridiculous when you’re married. I think being pregnant can make women feel a bit precious. Maybe you’re putting on him more than you realise, if he doesn’t cope with stress this will be hard. You say you are getting support for your mental health could he see a counsellor. I think quite a lot of men panic when a baby arrives as it’s life changing and they aren’t their wife’s sole focus!

Gremlins101 · 10/01/2025 10:21

What an awful bastard.

He sounds abusive tbh and i really don't say that lightly

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 10/01/2025 10:23

Just your husband is resenting feeding his pregnant wife. This is wrong.

TopshopCropTop · 10/01/2025 10:23

Unfortunately this whole marriage is doomed. He does not respect you, he does not value you and he does not appreciate the life you are growing.

Once the baby is born his resentment will grow deeper as you devote your time to your baby and not to him. That you will not give him sex constantly, that the house isn’t spick and span when you’re on Mat leave. You will be demanded to account for what you’ve been doing all day. He will not help you in the night because his big job is too important.

Youre staring down the barrel of a very grim future with this man unless he has an epiphany of sorts and develops some respect for you.

NonPlayerCharacter · 10/01/2025 10:26

It's good he was able to have a conversation about it, but your lives are about to be hit by the world's cutest express train and there cannot be any of this resentment because you're not working or can't do everything you used to do while you recover, especially if you breastfeed. He can no longer get moody because he's asked to do something over and above the usual or imagine you have it easy with the baby. You also need to look into that "depleting my savings on mat leave while he still earns" situation, even if you are the higher earner. The baby is your joint responsibility and neither of you should be left in a worse financial position than the other. This is where truly joint money in a family comes into account...separate finances work for some people, but they rarely work fairly for women on mat leave.

He really, really needs to get into the headspace of you all being a group and everyone having to do stuff they'd rather not do or isn't entirely "fair" on paper, much as you can bet he wouldn't want to have to recover from labour. The sooner the better. It's going to be all change, to say the least.

Mnaamn · 10/01/2025 10:27

You have spent 10 years with a nasty piece of work.
This is a very nasty man.
I would be hugely concerned for you bring a baby into this toxic relationship.
I hope you have family and friends nearby for support because you are definitely going to need them.

He is nasty plain and simple.
Be safe.

Gremlins101 · 10/01/2025 10:28

Sorry I jumped the gun in my other reply, when I said he sounds abusive. He does sound difficult though. You are growing a human! Ffs, you need to put your feet up a bit and feel secure

My husband also struggled with anxiety during my pregnancy and was cranky/closed off at times... but the idea of you paying him back for shopping or him being angry because he had to run to the shops for you is all very odd. He needs a good talking to.

LittleMosIron · 10/01/2025 10:28

Constantinoel · 10/01/2025 09:45

Dh would go out just for malteasers if I wanted at 10 at night and I'm not pregnant.

Can I borrow him?

SnoopysHoose · 10/01/2025 10:30

Surely you can just do one joint food delivery? that level of separation and shuffling £ about would drive me mad!

AnxietyLevelMax · 10/01/2025 10:34

what if your food cost you £100 this week and his £30?

Strictlymad · 10/01/2025 10:37

The reason people are getting hung up on the finances is because it’s utterly bonkers and having such complicated finances is just a recipe for conflict. I would find a solution that reduces this, we have everyone in joint account which has cards, we take 100 each a month to our own accounts for ‘bits and pieces’

NonPlayerCharacter · 10/01/2025 10:40

Is he going to expect you to fund baby activities on mat leave because you attend them and he doesn't?