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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am really scunnered having to parent adult children.

141 replies

iceandwine · 09/01/2025 18:50

I have three boys. Eldest is now 33. Younger ones late 20s. They are not very outgoing and struggle with confidence. One of them still lives at home. Of the other two one lives with his girlfriend and the other has his own flat. The issue is that I managed to get all three of them their jobs through people I know. Two of them are doing well in their jobs, not huge earners but getting by. The eldest, the one with his own flat and a mortgage was made redundant at the end of last year. To be honest he was not committed to the job and mainly worked from home hardly doing any hours. It is not a surprise he was made redundant. He did not tell me he was let go for over a month. He got some redundancy but that won't last forever. He started applying for jobs after a month. However, he is being selective and not exactly applying for anything he can get. He has not applied for unemployment benefit. He believes he has ADHD, which I believe may be correct, however, he is not helping himself. I am worried sick about him. If he doesn't pay the mortgage his flat will be repossessed. I could pay this but I am nearly 60, working full time in a high pressure job. I don't want to spend my life sorting my children out. I have offered a private assessment for ADHD but he won't commit. What can I do? I'm so sick of it now. I just want an easy life and not be the fixer for absolutely everyone and I include my DH and my DM in this as well!

OP posts:
mumofoneAlonebutokay · 09/01/2025 18:54

I'd tell him you're going round for a day of admin, to help him sort out his budget for the mortgage and priority bills, apply for universal credit and book an appointment for an adhd assessment

Tell him how much you love him but that this is where you have to draw the line, for your own health

Any choices he makes after that are his own, and if he loses his flat, he will be the one sorting it. x

i'm guessing he can't move back home?

RobinEllacotStrike · 09/01/2025 19:05

He's a 33 year old man - leave him to it. Give advice by all means if you want, but he needs to take control of his own life.

That he isn't doing this yet is terrible - but he needs to start directing and taking responsibility for himself.

Bobbie12345 · 09/01/2025 19:05

Sounds like you need to step back and let him become an adult dealing with his own life choices.
I would see your only role is to be making supportive noises down the phone when he talks to you about it. Maybe asking questions / making suggestions of, ‘have you been to the job centre to get their help?’ ‘Have you talked to your mortgage provider about options?’

CheeseyOnionPie · 09/01/2025 19:07

Cut the apron strings he’s an adult. ADHD doesn’t prevent him from understanding that no mortgage payment will eventually lead to no house.

ilovesooty · 09/01/2025 19:09

Leave him to it. It's his responsibility to apply for jobs and claim benefits.

mathanxiety · 09/01/2025 19:09

The more you do for him, the less he's going to do for himself.

Step back. Make it plain to him that moving back home and being supported by you are not options for him.

There's a difference between parenting and enabling (aka fostering learned helplessness).

itsmylife7 · 09/01/2025 19:11

If he loses his flat he'll move back in with you I assume,or that's what he thinks ?

AppleKatie · 09/01/2025 19:13
  1. tell him at 33 his life is entirely his responsibility and that certainly includes his mortgage!
  2. take a giant step back.
Zippidydoodah · 09/01/2025 19:14

I’ve voted yabu as they are fully grown adults, and should not need such a high level of parenting! Just let them make their own choices and decisions!

Zippidydoodah · 09/01/2025 19:16

Also, don’t let him move back in or you’ll never get rid of him! I mean that as kindly as possible. You deserve to live your life too.

godmum56 · 09/01/2025 19:18

its easy, you stop.

ChristmasFluff · 09/01/2025 19:20

It's really up to him.

For example, maybe he has savings, so doesn't need to rush into any job he can get. This would also be why he isn't claiming for UC - you can't get it after a certain amount of savings. Maybe he has this under control.

If he doesn't - it's still on him. He has no incentive to sort out his life if you keep doing it for him.

Part of being the parent of an adult is learning how to let go of the life you might want for them, to stop trying to make them achieve any 'potential' you see, and allowing them to be adults who make their own choices and get their own consequences.

FallenRaingel · 09/01/2025 19:21

Voted YABU too be cause you don't HAVE to parent any of your children. 33 fgs. ADHD is no excuse at all.

Stop babying adult men.

Applepoop · 09/01/2025 19:22

YANBU to feel this way.

However, I would say the following:

  1. He may or may not have ADHD or something related. A formal diagnosis won't change this and he still needs to live in the world as the world is. So if he's reluctant to do the private assessment, I'd leave it. If he did have an ADHD diagnosis, it will not change the fact that nobody (other than you) will sort him out.

  2. Assuming ADHD, you have to see your parenting role differently. Instead of thinking, fuck why am I parenting a 33yo, you have to think, OK 33yo has a few differences and will need my support for significantly longer than I had thought/hoped. And that's a fucker for you, but necessary for him.

  3. If his flat gets repossessed, things will go from bad to super shit. So I'd definitely try to avoid that, even if it means paying out money that you really would rather not. As well as the mortgage, I wonder whether all his bills are getting paid? And if he is eating?

I would see if he would accept you going over for a day and doing a financial audit for him. You could entice him to accept this by saying that you only want to help and you can offer money if he's in the shit with anything.

It sounds like working from home did not suit his personality at all. Firstly as he probably has ADHD and secondly because there was presumably nobody there and it was quite severely isolating for him.

Does he live far away from you?

Original poster
iceandwine · 09/01/2025 19:22

Thanks so much for your replies. I worry so much. He is very much like my older brother was unfortunately. I really see similarities. My brother started out with a great career, nice flat, good wage and ended up in a one bedroom studio Council flat. He was taking drugs, which I was unaware of and I had to get the Police to break his door down and he was found dead. This has made me really over protective of my sons because they have all struggled with mental health for one reason or another. If my elder son doesn't answer the phone all day I really panic and rush down there to make sure he is ok. I know he isn't addicted to drugs or alcohol but I worry he may get very depressed and then I just think the worst. I'm my own worst enemy, I can't let go.

OP posts:
Applepoop · 09/01/2025 19:23

FallenRaingel · 09/01/2025 19:21

Voted YABU too be cause you don't HAVE to parent any of your children. 33 fgs. ADHD is no excuse at all.

Stop babying adult men.

This is all very well, but are you the parent of an adult with SN?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 09/01/2025 19:24

Have you asked him what he intends to do? Making it plain that he can't just come home and regress to being a 14 year old? I know it's hard and we want to provide a home for our kids whenever they need it, but when they seem to be self sabotaging then sometimes we have to put a foot down and tell them that they have to sort themselves out.

Original poster
iceandwine · 09/01/2025 19:26

Applepoop · 09/01/2025 19:22

YANBU to feel this way.

However, I would say the following:

  1. He may or may not have ADHD or something related. A formal diagnosis won't change this and he still needs to live in the world as the world is. So if he's reluctant to do the private assessment, I'd leave it. If he did have an ADHD diagnosis, it will not change the fact that nobody (other than you) will sort him out.

  2. Assuming ADHD, you have to see your parenting role differently. Instead of thinking, fuck why am I parenting a 33yo, you have to think, OK 33yo has a few differences and will need my support for significantly longer than I had thought/hoped. And that's a fucker for you, but necessary for him.

  3. If his flat gets repossessed, things will go from bad to super shit. So I'd definitely try to avoid that, even if it means paying out money that you really would rather not. As well as the mortgage, I wonder whether all his bills are getting paid? And if he is eating?

I would see if he would accept you going over for a day and doing a financial audit for him. You could entice him to accept this by saying that you only want to help and you can offer money if he's in the shit with anything.

It sounds like working from home did not suit his personality at all. Firstly as he probably has ADHD and secondly because there was presumably nobody there and it was quite severely isolating for him.

Does he live far away from you?

Five minutes away. I have offered financial incentive. I have been paying his car loan for the last year but I don't want this. I don't do this for the other two. It is all so alien to me. My parents didn't give me a thing. I got my own job, own mortgage etc. In fact I have always been the adult for them (alcoholics) so I was brought up to sort everyone else out and I am exhausted with it.

OP posts:
FallenRaingel · 09/01/2025 19:27

Applepoop · 09/01/2025 19:23

This is all very well, but are you the parent of an adult with SN?

Show quote history

Not adults no. My partner has AuDHD though and is 26, he manages to not need his mummy to get him a job, pay his mortgage or wipe his ass.

Applepoop · 09/01/2025 19:34

iceandwine · 09/01/2025 19:26

Five minutes away. I have offered financial incentive. I have been paying his car loan for the last year but I don't want this. I don't do this for the other two. It is all so alien to me. My parents didn't give me a thing. I got my own job, own mortgage etc. In fact I have always been the adult for them (alcoholics) so I was brought up to sort everyone else out and I am exhausted with it.

Show quote history

I do understand your perspective, which is understandably shaped by your own life experience. However, the current fact is that your DS has a problem - which he currently cannot dig his way out of alone. He is on his own and has nobody living with him to discuss solutions with etc. He is floundering and he does need your help, and unfortunately that help may extend further than paying the car loan.

I would just be really careful about following the of the tough love style advice on this thread. I am a parent of an adult with SN - but I wonder if everyone giving advice on this thread is as well - statistically I doubt it.

Applepoop · 09/01/2025 19:36

FallenRaingel · 09/01/2025 19:27

Not adults no. My partner has AuDHD though and is 26, he manages to not need his mummy to get him a job, pay his mortgage or wipe his ass.

Show quote history

The difference I would say is that your partner lives with you. Even if you are not being his mummy, you are still being his partner and you'll be engaging in discussions of navigating life - whether that's what car insurance to get or what food to get or where to live, you are conversing about it. OP's DS is isolated and floundering. He really does need her IMO.

Yikesthathurt · 09/01/2025 19:38

the problem here OP is that if he loses his home, he's either going to be back with you, or on the streets. Are you prepared for the latter?

Bodybutterblusher · 09/01/2025 19:41

He didn't even tell you for a month. The only person putting inappropriate expectations on yourself is you.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 09/01/2025 19:46

OP your updates make it clear that this isn’t really about your adult sons, it’s about your own traumas and family background. You’d probably be better having some therapy for yourself than trying to bury all your feelings by attempting to control your adult sons’ lives.

Original poster
iceandwine · 09/01/2025 19:47

Yikesthathurt · 09/01/2025 19:38

the problem here OP is that if he loses his home, he's either going to be back with you, or on the streets. Are you prepared for the latter?

No question I will let him back here. I have suggested that his younger brother moves in to the spare room, helping with bills and mortgage and also able to give moral support. He has agreed to this but keeps putting the date back. I don't want him back living at home. Not for me, I love him, he can stay with me forever. It is for him, he needs to be an adult and have independence from me.

OP posts: