I am really scunnered having to parent adult children.

[iceandwine]

I have three boys. Eldest is now 33. Younger ones late 20s. They are not very outgoing and struggle with confidence. One of them still lives at home. Of the other two one lives with his girlfriend and the other has his own flat. The issue is that I managed to get all three of them their jobs through people I know. Two of them are doing well in their jobs, not huge earners but getting by. The eldest, the one with his own flat and a mortgage was made redundant at the end of last year. To be honest he was not committed to the job and mainly worked from home hardly doing any hours. It is not a surprise he was made redundant. He did not tell me he was let go for over a month. He got some redundancy but that won't last forever. He started applying for jobs after a month. However, he is being selective and not exactly applying for anything he can get. He has not applied for unemployment benefit. He believes he has ADHD, which I believe may be correct, however, he is not helping himself. I am worried sick about him. If he doesn't pay the mortgage his flat will be repossessed. I could pay this but I am nearly 60, working full time in a high pressure job. I don't want to spend my life sorting my children out. I have offered a private assessment for ADHD but he won't commit. What can I do? I'm so sick of it now. I just want an easy life and not be the fixer for absolutely everyone and I include my DH and my DM in this as well!

@mathanxiety He sounds immature and manipulative, but you're eagerly buying his crap and beating yourself up about it.

Young men stay at home because housing prices have been made unaffordable by previous generations.

Average salary is about £35k. Using the x4.5 mortgage rule, that means he can afford a property up to £157.5k.

How many properties have you seen for £157.5k?

Then of course, bills and food costs are through the roof nowadays.

So apparently, not having money is considered "immature." Only on mumsnet.

Sorry, but you have to step back and not get involved.

I say this as someone who has been in all sorts of financial disasters. No lessons and independence will be learned otherwise.

My parents relationship with my brother sounds very similar, including the back story. Our father committed suicide soon after he was born and my mother (and step father) are over focused on his life and wellbeing in the way you are. Unfortunately, in doing this they have effectively broken him and, at 50, he is emotionally still a child in many ways. No resilience, extremely selfish and with some very odd and sometimes unpleasant views. Back off. All of your sons need to learn to rely on themselves.

If my elder son doesn't answer the phone all day I really panic and rush down there to make sure he is ok

I actually don't want to control their every move

OP, can you not see that there is a contradiction in those two statements?

I understand that you’ve had a traumatic past with your brother but it’s not fair to project that on to your relationship with your son. He is an adult. It’s incredibly suffocating and yes, controlling to expect to always pick up the phone when you call and then to make him feel that he’s caused you distress if he doesn’t. If I couldn’t ignore the occasional call when I was busy (or didn’t feel like a chat) without getting repeated further calls all day and a panicked visit from my distressed mother, I would probably opt to have no contact with my mother at all because it would be unbearable. Adults are entitled not to be available sometimes. I know you don’t mean this to be controlling, but it is.

I just want them to be responsible I suppose

I’m sure you do, but it’s not up to you. Adults don’t have to behave in a responsible manner if they don’t want to. The job, mortgage and lifestyle of a 33-year-old man are none of your business. You really, really need to stop babying your adult sons like this. It’s so unhealthy for you to be running their lives. You need to let go and accept that if they fuck up, they fuck up.

Tangentially, I think most people would find your over-involvement in your son’s lives very off-putting from a dating perspective. Who the hell wants a relationship with a man whose mum plans his career for him and turns up on the doorstep if he doesn’t answer the phone for one day?

@Bohemond23 Unfortunately, in doing this they have effectively broken him and, at 50, he is emotionally still a child in many ways. No resilience, extremely selfish and with some very odd and sometimes unpleasant views.

Sounds like most other people then. Completely normal.

You haven’t had to be controlling. You have chosen to be.

You need to step right back. These are adult men. The more you do for them the less likely it will be that they will take responsibility for themselves.

I honestly can't imagine having that much involvement in adult children's lives. What about your life? Get out there and live it.

Stop babying adult men.

Its pretty normal in some circles for parents to continually financially support their adult sons and daughters.

Sometimes when you do too much for someone, they don’t learn to stand on their own 2 feet.

It’s lovely how supportive you are of him but I wonder if it’s having the opposite effect.

If you put pressure on him, then he doesn’t need to put pressure on himself.
And we all need a bit of pressure to push us into doing better for ourselves.

I had very little input from my parents and I am very independent, a hard worker and a go getter (which also sounds like you).

My DB is the same age as your son and has always had a lot of support and my parents pay for his car insurance, bail him out when he’s behind bills etc. So much so that he now really struggles to keep a job or budget. My parents have had a drop in income and he’s now asking to borrow money off of me, even though I earn a lot less than him.

Step back a bit, let him have the consequences of his actions, so that he can learn from them.
If anything were to happen to you, he would need to learn how to do it anyway.

It’s way better to step back and let him get on with it, whilst you’re still there to step in if needed, than when you’re unable to help.

I hear you OP. I don't want to go into too many details but I had no idea my adult children would need so much support and input for so long into adulthood, I don't believe it ever really stops these days. I also don't think its that uncommon either its just different levels of need and entitlement. If I had know what a rod I was making for my own back I don't think I would have had a family at all.

OP, you said you don’t want to be the fixer for your children, husband and mum. What’s stopping you?

I agree with you. I should have said that before being made redundant my son was off work with severe anxiety. He was off for months but was being paid. I talked to him constantly and he would talk to me non stop about how he was feeling. He managed to go in to work, after many panic attacks. He then slipped into a habit of not going in. I know I am smothering him. I didn't do this before he said he thought he had ADHD or anxiety. I might not speak to him for a couple of days but that was fine. My brother used to actively tell me he was suicidal and go off grid for two weeks at a time - he lived in a different area. I was beside myself with worry and he would pop up as if nothing happened. My other son who lives with his girlfriend, I leave them to it unless they ask for advice or something. The son who lives at home is probably the most sensible and give me advice. Also, I have to phone my mum every day or she panics. So I know where I get it. She was so anxious she was an alcoholic, which I understand. I am banging on a bit now but I am going to take a step back and leave him to is. It doesn't help that the loan for the car is in my name because I got a better rate of interest so I will need to ask him for that money every month.

@iceandwine you got him a job, you found him a house, you solve all his problems, you run around fixing everything. He doesn’t see the need to do it because you do.

im sorry and i can say ive done similar - but you are your own worst enemy partially due to your past.

Maybe he needs to land on his arse and lose the house and get benefits and rent somewhere to think ‘shit, this isn’t what I want…’. How will he ever grow up if mammy doesn’t cut the apron strings.

id make it clear he can’t come home as that’s another easy out option. There’s emergency council housing etc.

tough love is needed. Not saying don’t help if he asks - but stop taking the lead and doing it all.

When you have grown up the way I have expecting disaster and drama at every turn you would understand. It is my way of coping by trying to control everything around me. I know it's not a good trait but it is for self preservation. Basically because of the way I grew up I feel as if I have it too good and that some disaster is going to happen and that one of my children is going to be taken away from me. I was the same with my brother. He acted like a child and I mothered him because our own mother didn't. The worst happened there so I know bad things happen.

Oh I do, don't worry. I go out every weekend and on holiday three times a year. I'm not that daft😀

Unfortunately his gran thinks the sun shines out of his arse so she would take him in. He is actually very good to her. He does a lot for her which is useful because she is such a drain and it saves me a lot. I have learned with her to do a lot less. I just couldn't cope any more.

Some ND people do need significantly more support than others though. Just something to be aware of.

This. He's 33 for goodness sake!

I'm afraid that the more you pander to him and dig him out of his problems, the more he'll rely on you and the less he'll be able to sort things out for himself. How will he ever learn if he knows he can run to you to fix things?

My BIL has a very similar relationship with his mother. Also one of three brothers (my DH being the eldest, however him and the youngest know what the words personal responsibility mean).

She literally does everything for him, down to raising his own blooming children, because yes, as soon as he moved out of home in his mid-20s, he managed to get the 19 year old he'd been seeing for a month pregnant 🤦‍♀️

Sorry, have got a bit of a bee in my bonnet about people who take no responsibility for their own lives.

This 1000%

(from a person with diagnosed adhd)

you’re way too involved in his life. ADHD or not (given it’s not diagnosed and he doesn’t want to seek a diagnosis im not sure why pp are talking like it’s fact that he has it) he’s an adult. He shouldn’t have you turning up at his house because he doesn’t answer the phone, he needs to find his own job and sort his own bills, or at the very least ask for help, then you can get involved. Right now you’re paying for things, getting him jobs, helping him sort his home, then wondering why he isn’t acting like an adult.

You say you don’t want to be a fixer, but when people suggest stopping you deflect and justify and you seem to have done therapy (with a very unprofessional therapist) the same way. You need to actually reflect a bit.

This particular man might not even have ADHD, won't go for assessment. He's also 33. Over involved mum would have noticed he had ADHD long before he left home at 29.

I am aware people have different needs. Also aware lazy men won't change while mummy is pandering to them.

As someone who has a ND diagnosis I agree, most of it is just normal human variation, strengths and weaknesses. We need to focus on workable strategies for people to learn to cope rather than using a diagnosis as a cop out excuse. Obviously it does depend on the severity and so on but most people who are ND are able to manage and have been doing so since forever.

I agree. I honestly think he may have ADHD. It wasn't a thing back in the day but he is definitely different that his brothers. Anyway the feedback on here has been great. I have emailed for a private consultation for ADHD and i will offer to pay for this. At least then we will know and he can't keep banging on about it. He also suffers from severe migraines, which I get also and he keeps playing this card to get out of things. I am going to spend an afternoon helping him with admin and that will be it. I can't go on like this. Just for clarification, he really is a lovely boy and is kind hearted. He is liked by everyone and his workmates really liked him and were so supportive. I don't know if he is just lazy and in a rut but he will have to get out of it. Anyway if his brother moves in that will sort him out because he is great for advising.

Very very true. It is used as a get out of jail free card now. I believe I may have a bit of ADHD too but although I have had my struggles I have never been in debt, lost a job or let anyone down.

Ignore the mean comments on here. It sounds like your son is experiencing clinical depression. The low mood, helplessness, trying to find a diagnosis were all my experiences before I realised I had clinical depression.

I found medication worked for a short period, enough to get me to a pyschologist. After that the depression lifted, but then the other mental health issues that the depression was hiding (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) returned, and it has taken a lot of work and persistence to untangle that, but it is possible and absolutely worth it.