I am really scunnered having to parent adult children.

[iceandwine]

I have three boys. Eldest is now 33. Younger ones late 20s. They are not very outgoing and struggle with confidence. One of them still lives at home. Of the other two one lives with his girlfriend and the other has his own flat. The issue is that I managed to get all three of them their jobs through people I know. Two of them are doing well in their jobs, not huge earners but getting by. The eldest, the one with his own flat and a mortgage was made redundant at the end of last year. To be honest he was not committed to the job and mainly worked from home hardly doing any hours. It is not a surprise he was made redundant. He did not tell me he was let go for over a month. He got some redundancy but that won't last forever. He started applying for jobs after a month. However, he is being selective and not exactly applying for anything he can get. He has not applied for unemployment benefit. He believes he has ADHD, which I believe may be correct, however, he is not helping himself. I am worried sick about him. If he doesn't pay the mortgage his flat will be repossessed. I could pay this but I am nearly 60, working full time in a high pressure job. I don't want to spend my life sorting my children out. I have offered a private assessment for ADHD but he won't commit. What can I do? I'm so sick of it now. I just want an easy life and not be the fixer for absolutely everyone and I include my DH and my DM in this as well!

Had therapy for 2 years. Basically ended up giving the therapist therapy. He was in a worse state than me and I felt sorry for him!

No because he knew how I would react. The worst part is that the person who told me about the job and put in a good word works with me and I had to find out from her so it was very embarassing.

You are not helping by facilitating this behaviour. Tough love needed. They'll thank you in the end.

@Applepoop No he doesn't. He has his own mortgage.

Well losing his home may be the outcome, but as long as you're prepared for the downside, I think you need to let it happen. Speak to him about giving support and some direction, but then push it back to him. You never know he may step up if given the push

It doesn’t sound like you are affording him much privacy or ability to live his own life. He knew you’d try to smother him if he told you, and you did. I know you worry, but you’ve said he’s always fine when you rush round in a panic. He doesn’t want your help, you need to try to accept that or you’ll lose your relationship with him.

@DownThePubWithStevieNicks (great username!) nailed it.

Op please stop claiming responsibility for everything and everyone in life.

You don't have boys you have men.

Step back and allow them to live their lives and make mistakes they are supposed to

You need to take a step back. I suspect he thinks you're going to bail him out because you've always been there to reduce the situation.

What's the situation with your DM and your DH?

I would highly recommend that you save up some annual leave and take a solo trip abroad for four weeks leaving everyone else to deal with their own crap. They are all adults. Give yourself a proper break and a chance to review what you want the next 20 years to look like and how to make changes so you live the next chapter ina way you want.

To add: one of the things you maybe need to do is downsize so that all three DS are responsible for their own housing

You really have to, though. Let it go, I mean. You need therapy snd support to stop projecting your brother’s sad situation onto your sons. It is too painful for you and, in addition, won’t do any good. It will just progressively ruin the relationship you would like to have with your sons.

He's not a child he's a grown adult man . Time to cut the strings and let him figure things out for himself . Meddling can lead to bad feeling and resentment so I'd leave him to it .

This is such bullshit. You need to read codependent no more and stop trying to find your value in mothering everyone.

Then unfortunately you didn’t have therapy!! You need a therapist who is actually competent.

All of this comes down to ‘over responsibility’, interesting to research. It is a trauma response very likely due to the parentification you experienced as a child. Hard to hear, but this co-dependancy is a choice and it usually causes a lot of problems for those who you are enabling.

So your response would be to parent him even more?? He’s 33. Even if he has ADHD that’s no need to require his mom to do his admin.

Due to ADHD I Agree with the day of admin with him. Take him step by step through applying for benefits, having a mortgage break, updating CV. Show him these things so he can do things independently next time.

if you’ve spare time ping him jobs you see online. He might benefit from professional careers advice however. Consider transferable skills and broaden the search.

I have two late teen/ young adult kids with SN, one with severe mental health challenges so I do understand the fear.

Your DS will need support from you in sorting this out, but I think you would benefit from having another go at therapy. You are sorting out everyone, even your therapist. There is a massive pattern here and I think this is separate from your DS immediate needs. I get that your kids still need you but I would seriously look at how much support you are willing to provide to your DH and your mum.

When ds is sorted, however long that takes I would seriously consider doing what pp suggests and taking four weeks away to leave them to it

I find it embarrassing how some adult men are mollycoddled by their mums. Just leave him be. He’s an adult and for goodness sake don’t let him move back in with you. That may be what he wants. Much less stress to let mum cook, clean after him etc.

This doesn;t quite work with ADHD as people can't take control of their lives. It looks like slacking but it's actually a neural glitch.

I would help but not rescue. As a PP suggested, go round for a day and help him set in motion applying for any benefits he may be entitled to, as well as drawing up a list of jobs. Explain that applying for an interim job doesn't mean he'll be stuck with it, but he does need to pay his bills.

Does he have a spare room? Could he get a lodger?

Honestly, if he's come this far and still needs help, it's not the best idea to just stop completely on a random Thursday

But it does need to come to an end

Find a better therapist, so sorry you had such a bad experience- you need someone with proper training, experience and a good track record,

Im sorry, i know you're going through it but this is very funny and im trying not to giggle

After your son is sorted, I hope you're able to find a better therapist x

Not RTFT but just in case you don't know, I think a private ADHD assessment means you have to pay for medication privately, which can get quite expensive. If he's not even interested in it really, I'd avoid that route although I understand for certain sitautions it would be worth it.

I have been in your position, always giving and rescuing. You are unfortunately enabling your sons by not allowing them to stand on their own two feet.

I would explicitly tell them they are getting no further financial or administrative help from you, that you are happy to provide emotional support (as much as you feel able to) whilst they sort themselves out and that if they have any big questions then the internet exists. You are not their carer anymore and they need to grow up.

its doing them a kindness in the long run, I promise.

your brother dying was not your fault. I know it is so difficult. but you cannot blame yourself.

My brother was also a very serious drug addict and I unknowingly enabled him by giving him money and a lot of emotional support. It only stopped when I realised what he was doing, cut off all money, paid for a tiny room for him and bought him groceries and made him go to an NA meeting where he built a support network and started to take responsibility for his life. The endless pandering to his moods, lies and personal disasters was killing him and in the end I gave him zero choice but to recover as all sources of money (including from his friends) had been cut off.

I agree with that.

just the idea of OP going over and fixing things just hit a button for me. I (perhaps wrongly) assumed he was just choosing to do things differently than how his mother wanted him to do it.

getting a mortgage was one of the most difficult things I did. If he managed that, he can likely handle this.

Oh op, I just saw this. Please ignore my previous comment regarding giggling at the therapist

You're clearly a lovely mum but you've got to take care of yourself and also help them by letting them help themselves

As long as you're always there as a friend and confidant, they'll be okay, they will just learn to take more responsibility xx