I am really scunnered having to parent adult children.

[iceandwine]

I have three boys. Eldest is now 33. Younger ones late 20s. They are not very outgoing and struggle with confidence. One of them still lives at home. Of the other two one lives with his girlfriend and the other has his own flat. The issue is that I managed to get all three of them their jobs through people I know. Two of them are doing well in their jobs, not huge earners but getting by. The eldest, the one with his own flat and a mortgage was made redundant at the end of last year. To be honest he was not committed to the job and mainly worked from home hardly doing any hours. It is not a surprise he was made redundant. He did not tell me he was let go for over a month. He got some redundancy but that won't last forever. He started applying for jobs after a month. However, he is being selective and not exactly applying for anything he can get. He has not applied for unemployment benefit. He believes he has ADHD, which I believe may be correct, however, he is not helping himself. I am worried sick about him. If he doesn't pay the mortgage his flat will be repossessed. I could pay this but I am nearly 60, working full time in a high pressure job. I don't want to spend my life sorting my children out. I have offered a private assessment for ADHD but he won't commit. What can I do? I'm so sick of it now. I just want an easy life and not be the fixer for absolutely everyone and I include my DH and my DM in this as well!

I think there is a degree of that. Unfortunately because of the world we now live in people are so afraid for their children. They don't learn the resilience we did as children. I honestly believe rightly or wrongly that is why so many people are ND now. I do believe he may have ADHD because even though he is super smart he wasn't great at knuckling down to study. Also, he ran about all over the place until he literally collapsed in a heap asleep. The reason I didn't think anything was an issue was because he was well behaved at school and slept really well.

I am saddened by the amount of short-sighted, selfish replies to this thread.
A thought of wisdom for you all...once you are a parent, you are a parent for life. There is no age limit. People who are judgemental about a mother asking for advice about parenting a child, regardless of age need to live a longer life or stay quiet.

I used to do this for my much younger brother .. it wasn't until I turned off the taps that he grew up and started managing his finances- he is 35 now and has a home, a mortgage and some savings - I turned off the taps at about 27.. until then he would just keep asking me to bail him out

Unfortunately I did this for my elder brother also. He was so needy with me and would phone me constantly. He had a good job but was very emotionally needy. Eventually he lost the job, lost his licence and ended up in a Council flat. He fell out with me once because he asked for money for electricity but he was clearly on something so I shouted at him. He didn't speak to me for months and blocked me on social media. After that my attitude changed and I was no longer his constant crutch. Unfortunately he ended up dead at 51 and I had to go to his flat and get the Police to knock the door down. Somehow I don't feel guilty. I had done absolutely everything in my power to help him over the years but I was married and had three young children and a job. I just didn't have the capacity so I don't actually think I could have done anything to change the outcome. If this was my son though that would be a completely different matter.

If a therapist said that to me, I would stop all contact, report him to his professional body, and ask for a refund.

I think it’s very hard op but I think you need to step back now and focus on your own life. You can’t change their behaviour. So ultimately you can only change your response to it. If you repeatedly step in, they won’t have any incentive to change.

It’s a very painful part of parenting to have to step back and watch your teen and adult dc make mistakes, but honestly it’s only through the struggle that anyone learns!

Maybe because he has you as a partner,he doesn’t need his mummy,you do it for him!

Op I understand your fears and you are right not to feel guilty about your brother. You helped him and he didn’t or couldn’t help himself.

This is going to sound very insensitive but ultimately you can’t rescue your son either if he can’t or won’t take responsibility for himself.

When would be the cut off date for help? Thirty-three, forty-three, fifty-three?

Don’t you see that the earlier you step back, the better chance he has of making something of himself?

Even if, owing to his ADHD, he is unable to look after himself in all ways, it’s better for him that he puts strategies and support in place sooner rather than later.

You are lucky then. Many ND adults struggle with MH and/or addictions and lead chaotic lives or depend on additional family support for longer than other young adults. They're not all the same and it's very difficult being the parent.

Did I say he doesn't struggle with those things? No. He's just also had to be a grown up adult like everyone else if he wants somewhere to live and an income to support himself.

But everyone is different. It’s absolutely great that he is succeeding, but it doesn’t mean that others mightn’t need more support than he does? Life is not a level playing field.

Also…grown-ups can need help too? I’m mid-fifties and NT and I definitely don’t have life sussed.

Re. the therapist, he told me he was being stalked by a patient that his ex wife had left him and had been planning it for 2 years and that he got panic attacks. He was also suffering from viral pneumonia. Before he told me all this I spilled my guts and told him everything, I held nothing back. What would you say to all that? He had more problems that me.

A person who has healthy boundaries would say ‘this is unprofessional, you need help and should not be practicing at the moment’ and then report them to the regulatory body.

Are you going to get actual credible therapy? Psychotherapy would probably be best, there are loads of different modes so you can choose which works for you. I personally love schema therapy - that’s what cured my over responsibility/co dependency.

If you can can heal and move away from this over responsibility it will transform your relationships.

I get what you are saying and you are right. In my childhood my mother especially lied to relatives to borrow money for alcohol. My father was basically thrown out when I was 16. She told people that me and my brother didn't do any housework (he didn't but I did) and that we paid nothing into the house. Not true at all as soon as I got a job I gave her a third of my wages. I also paid a car loan, insurance for the car, bought my own clothes etc. She did make the meals though and did housework also and ironing. When I then tried to get support from relatives for her drinking they made out that if we were better she wouldn't drink so I did feel responsible and I felt guilty about everything I did. I can't face therapy, however, the son who still lives at home is amazing for advice and I have talked to him about a lot of things. He helps me put things into perspective. He would make an amazing therapist.

I just want to say also that I am so grateful for the advice on here, apart from the person who said I was so overbearing they would go NC with me. I have actually told my eldest son about this thread and that I am going to take a step back. I asked if he felt smothered and he said he didn't. He did say however that he wants to be able to not answer the phone, which is fair enough. I have organised an assessment for ADHD and at least we will know one way or the other,

I wish you well Iceandwine and I hope your son’s assessment leads to some clarity for him and perhaps better strategies and support that’s independent of you to allow him to move forward in his life.

I know you can’t face therapy atm but I think probably when we feel like that is when we most need it. It is an expensive option though. What you experienced as a child is bound to weigh very heavily on you.

Just to add, in this context, sorry but I am not sure that asking your son who lives at home for advice is the best strategy. He may be very wise but you don’t want to run the risk of parentifying him either! Better to speak to a therapist!

Good luck op! I hope you have some respite soon. You have definitely earned it!

Totally agree with doing this. Yes it might be a day of stress but hopefully it will take the load of your mind that is there all the time.

worst case scenario- yes they might repossess, it will take months and if all else fails he does move in with you but with conditions.

Sorry just read to the end- all sounds good. Look after yourself x