I am really scunnered having to parent adult children.

[iceandwine]

I have three boys. Eldest is now 33. Younger ones late 20s. They are not very outgoing and struggle with confidence. One of them still lives at home. Of the other two one lives with his girlfriend and the other has his own flat. The issue is that I managed to get all three of them their jobs through people I know. Two of them are doing well in their jobs, not huge earners but getting by. The eldest, the one with his own flat and a mortgage was made redundant at the end of last year. To be honest he was not committed to the job and mainly worked from home hardly doing any hours. It is not a surprise he was made redundant. He did not tell me he was let go for over a month. He got some redundancy but that won't last forever. He started applying for jobs after a month. However, he is being selective and not exactly applying for anything he can get. He has not applied for unemployment benefit. He believes he has ADHD, which I believe may be correct, however, he is not helping himself. I am worried sick about him. If he doesn't pay the mortgage his flat will be repossessed. I could pay this but I am nearly 60, working full time in a high pressure job. I don't want to spend my life sorting my children out. I have offered a private assessment for ADHD but he won't commit. What can I do? I'm so sick of it now. I just want an easy life and not be the fixer for absolutely everyone and I include my DH and my DM in this as well!

I agree, there are positive signs there that he can cope with his mum withdrawing the practical support

He did say I had an over-blown sense of responsibility for everything. I have always blamed myself for everything. My brother was the complete opposite, he too no responsibility for anything. If I make a mistake I torture myself. I know I am being over bearing but my eldest son is really the issue. The other two I am confident will get on fine in life. They have partners/significant others who will take up a lot of the slack for talking things over. I just don't want my son wasting his life and ending up like his brother. I even found him the flat and got it for a knock down price (work in conveyancing). There is a lot of equity in it now and he would be a fool to throw that away.

Well if he’s now not working and not going to job interviews he doesn’t need the car.
it can come to your house until he has a job and needs it.

he’ll soon get the theory of ‘act like a child - treat like a child’ or ‘no money - no fun’

I've pinged him about 20 in the last couple of days. He has had one interview but no word back yet.

Agree that those suggesting tough life don't know what it's like to have a child who finally hits the adhd/neurodivergence wall.

There's a reason that on average we change jobs far more often than others.

OP, for gods sake, it's not amusing that you ended up being therapist too your therapist, it's awful. Get someone else, make sure they're female (it's important, you assume that men need rescuing, quite rightly given your background), and find someone who can work with what you're dealing with.

This all resonates strongly to me, and people have little insight when it's children, let alone adults.

They think adhd is being tigger, or forgetful, they have NO idea. I'm also tired of the "my son/ husband/ milkman has adhd"...

I more or less pushed him into getting a mortgage and buying the flat. He was 29 and would have stayed forever. I wouldn't have minded that but it's not right. They should all have their own lives away from me, I know that. I actually don't want to control their every move. I just want them to be responsible I suppose. He always says I force him out of the house.

I'm confused how he manages to have a flat with a mortgage if he was only working limited hours. Was he extremely well paid or does he have a long established work history and this is a glitch? How old is he? Because the right advice depends on this. Also does how is his mood now? Is he happy scatty ADHD type and a bit down about the job and really struggling to manage.

His options if he can't pay the mortgage are get a lodger, let the whole house out and stay with you for a time limited period to get back on his feet and find a new job or sell the house asap. He can rent a room too if he's starting over.

In terms of help some regular help with bills and organising and maintaining a home could be a good idea if he had ADHD. Some adults need more help than others. Also ADHD has a wildly different impact on different people depending on their resilience.

The thing you haven't mentioned in all this is what he actually wants. If he doesn't want any of the help you have to accept it's his choice.

Oh and your therapist was crap there are loads of ethical rules to follow if you are a therapist and it definitely doesn't include offloading about your own problems! Anyone can call themselves a therapist it's not regulated so I would persevere with your own therapy but check someone is properly qualified first. And even then they might not be great so be prepared to walk away if they're not the right fit

Stop sending him jobs. He can use the internet! You are making it extremely easy for him to be lazy, and being very controlling. Just leave him to sort it out.

Take a massive step back. They are grown men. Is it possible that perhaps you are enabling their incompetence by doing everything for and managing them?
Let them ask you for advice/ support. Only offer it when they come to you seeking it.
Try not to appear to care more about getting things sorted for them than they do , that's how they end up being uncooperative and acting like working with you to fix their lives is doing YOU a favour.

@iceandwine This is fairly typical of young men. Career opportunities now for men are poor and the overwhelming majority will have average or low salaries. Men today struggle with finding a sense of purpose.

There are extremely few men who will ever enjoy the success seen among Gen X and Millenial women on mumsnet.

You are choosing to be responsible for everyone and you need to figure out why that is.

It sounds like you have a need to be needed.

You need to let people make their own mistakes and fail.

This is you being controlling. You need to let him do as he will.

OP, do you think you may also be neurodiverse? Is that something you've explored.

The thing is OP, has he actually ASKED you for help, or are you just assuming the worst and panicking? If he's asked for help, the only way you should really help him is by pointing him in the right direction to get assistance with things, ie, if he says I haven't been paying the mortgage, and I've had a letter saying that if I don't pay they're going to repossess my flat, what should I do? Then you can suggest that he contacts his mortgage people, and tells them his situation, and asks them if they can help him. Whatever you do, don't offer to pay it for him. You can also point out that he would be able to pay the mortgage if he weren't being so fussy about what jobs he wants to do, and that if things are this desperate he needs to get a job, ANY job, and quickly. However, the last thing you should do is encourage him to move back in with you, as he will then end up staying until you die. Sorry to be so blunt OP, but you've basically admitted that you've made a rod for your own back, so if you want to put a stop to doing everything, for everyone, you have to reign yourself in, and let people sort their own problems out, otherwise they never learn.

My DM used to sort everything out for my eldest DS, but was happy to leave myself and my other sibling to our own devices, as we weren't as feckless with money as this DS. We kept telling her that while she did this, she would never learn to stand on her own two feet, but Mum carried on bailing her out until the day she died, all the time worrying that my DS would lose her house if she didn't. Mum has been gone for 22 years now, and amazingly, my DS still has her house!!

Read my last paragraph again and think about it!

Posters saying he has special needs - that is unknown. A huge number of people fit the profile for neurodiversity. I did a course at work recently which said 50% of people are projected to identify as ND by 2030. We have to accept that most neurodiversity is just a normal human variant and not a reason or an excuse for huge numbers of people to act as if they are helpless, unable to work and become dependent on either their mothers or the state or both.

Next time he says that, tell him he's right, and he's not coming back, and furthermore, if he had an ounce of self-respect, you wouldn't have had to.

He sounds immature and manipulative, but you're eagerly buying his crap and beating yourself up about it.

A man like that isn't to be spoonfed, rescued, or pandered to. He's to be ignored and if necessary mocked.

He does want a job, preferably in computing. He applied for one he really wanted with the Local Authority but they filled it internally. He wants to work but he is lazy unfortunately. He was office based for quite a while until he started feeling depressed. They allowed him to work from home but the job was so easy for him that he could do it in an hour a day. No one cared so long as the work was done. I don't think it pushed him in any way which was part of the problem.

STOP enabling his behaviour.

He needs to find a job, stop procrastinating and pay his mortgage. You're 60. Do you want to run around paying a mortgage that doesn't belong to you?

OP I have ADHD (late diagnosed) and it took me a long time to step up and take responsibility for my own life. Had I been able to stay in the parental home without rent or bills I'm not sure I ever would have. You did the right thing getting him to move out but now you have to ensure he doesn't move back.

If his flat is repossessed, he will have to rent somewhere, and sort out UC applications, etc., or he will have to find other accommodation on friends' sofas. Yes, it may go horribly wrong for him, and he may blame you, and it may well be harder for him to get his shit together than it would be for others. But ADHD cannot be a reason for him not to take responsibility for his life just because it is harder for him than for others. That's precisely the direction of thinking that does lead to addiction and going off the rails. He needs to step up for himself, and he will only do that if you step back. Hold hard - you're doing the right thing.

There are plenty of other jobs he can apply to.

'The job is too easy' Okay, then finish the work quickly and do something else.

Yes, people with ADHD may procrastinate, but he's nothing but lazy. Maybe he doesn't want to work.

Honestly you've been so good to them I wish I had a mum like you! Sorry I've no practical suggestions 💐

How come you ended up paying for his car? It doesn’t sound like he really needed one.

I can understand you wanting to push him to be independent as it sounds like he probably wouldn’t have left of his own accord.

I do think though that you have been doing too much for him and so he is still very much reliant on you. Does he realise the seriousness of the situation or is he just casually letting you take charge?

Definitely step back- give advice but let him work it out.

IOh dear, OP, you’re definitely too enmeshed in his life. You shouldn’t be organizing his finances at this point, but if you’re truly concerned that he’s in a muddle with applying for benefits, his mortgage, etc., please do as others have suggested and offer to go over to his flat for an afternoon to chat about things and help get admin. sorted. Take a weekday off work to do this so offices will be open if he needs to speak to people.

If he declines this offer though, let him get on with it. He may be more on top of everything than you think and not welcome the interference.

I sympathize with how you feel though. One of my neighbors confided to me recently that she’s finding her adult children (eldest is 31) frustrating as she still feels obliged to do so much for them. She’s early 60’s, works FT and has had enough. It’s exhausting. 💐

IDK what scunnered means but get the gist. I am same age as you, four adult kids youngest 21 oldest 33, single parent. I empathise with you however you are always going to be their Mum and they will always have your support ( you might try to make them less dependent on you, but it is part of being a Mum)
I have an average paid job so can not help financially but 100% can listen and advise. Cut the money off, that is going to give a big incentive to get a job, if they loose their home then yes they face the consequences, if they come back to live with you then it is for only a couple of months while they sort alternative accommodation out.
I totally understand your point re loosing your brother and with men especially if MH is involved they need to know that you are there for them but just advise , they have to live their own life but you also need some peace, good luck with that as my kids don’t give me any but I would not have it any other way.💐

No, you are wrong, I don't have a need to be needed. Quite the opposite in fact. I would say I'm an empath and just feel sorry for other people's struggles. I know I am controlling. I've had to be and that is the issue. I'm tired of it.

Thank you. I have offered to help sort his finances. For instance he has lost the log-in for online banking but won't phone the bank. I can't because of data protection. Also I know for a fact he owes £5k on a credit card. He bought carpets when he moved in and only paid the minimum balance, even thought I told him not to. It has now gone up by about £2.5k. He also owes the factor £800. I said that if he got a job quickly he could pay all this off from his redundancy money. I've also said I'm not paying for the car any more because I just got a new one and I can't afford both. We are not exactly rolling in it and I would like to put something away for retirement.