"Typical woman" comment. AIBU to have said something?

[Yoyoi]

DH is throwing a party at our house in a few weeks. V much a 'boys party' - about 15 blokes and will definitely NOT be family friendly. This is very rare really - he doesn't go out a huge amount. But he does have a group of blokes he used to hang around with that are very much good time people. I am taking the kids to my parents for the weekend.

We are trying to sell our house but have lots of DIY things to sort before we do that. DH has been very slow on this and I have been doing most of it. We both work full time.

DH said to me "the good thing about the party is I will finally fix all the stuff with the house. want the place to look good for the lads" (we are talking peeling paint, broken bannister etc)

I said "it would be nice if you'd been motivated to do it for the family & our need to move house rather than the lads"

He said "Only a woman could twist a positive thing into something so negative. The house will get done now and typical woman stuff to find a reason why that isnt' a good thing"

Was I being unreasonable to not just be happy the house will get done?

Why are you tolerating this - do the other blokes wives allow this thing to happen in their homes? I’m guessing not.

Also, did he choose Valentine’s Day deliberately? It seemed from your post that he did - why was that? To get out of doing something with you or to prove to his mates he can do what he likes and doesn’t have his balls in a vice type of mentality?

Your comment about him suddenly seeing the work needed to be done after saying it was fine for ages would have had me raging too - he prioritises his mates (or how he appears to them) over you and his kids. He’s a superficial shit and it’s all for show. The fact you said he wants to show off how’s well he’s done for himself when you’ve bought the house is fucking hilarious. Presumably he has some redeeming qualities? Why do you still love him?

He's always got more excited that the lads than me. He doesn't go out a lot but he's the kind of bloke who if I suggest a film he'll be like "nah, you've got shit taste in films" but if his mate mentions it he will watch it right away. He even admits this. I think it's all wrapped up in the same thing - thinking women are inferior.

Right now I don't really feel like I do love him @Sceptical123

OMG that’s awful, I’m so sorry x

I have a similar thing with my partner that borders on that - if I make a suggestion he won’t take it on board and will forget I’ve made it yet will tell me of the brilliant (same) suggestion his dad or mate has come up with and I seethe.

Op, he sounds utterly horrible.

Truly truly awful.

I'm not remotely surprised you don't love him, you probably haven't for ages, but can get swept away in kids and busyness and moments of pleasantness and memories of the past, and not notice it till your penny drop moment.

He is lazy, dismissive, sexist, misogynistic, nasty.

There are plenty on this thread whose bar is so low they couldn't crawl through it.

We need to teach our daughters that being single is a billion times better than being in a horrible relationship with a horrible man.

I agree

Gentle teasing would have been OK. OP's comment was sarcastic and snarky. His response was also inappropriate

I don't think this is really about her / his comment though. Seems to a sign of deeper problems in the relationship

Should have I said nothing then? It's not like I went mad.

Do they do this big lads party at other ppls houses? Have you done one at yours before?

Of course you were right to say something. He sounds pretty unbearable to be honest. He wants his friends to see 'how well he's done', when it's you that bought the house. He mocks your taste in films very rudely but then then watches the same film on the recommendatio of one of his mates.

The only thing he's done well is to marry you and if I were you, I'd be changing that very soon. Mediocre men are often sexist twats and they blame women for their lack of success in the workplace and with relationships.

'Doesn't your wife mind". He was laughing saying "guess other men need permission hahah"'

and

"If I suggest a film he'll be like "nah, you've got shit taste in films" but if his mate mentions it he will watch it right away."
ICK.
Sorry you've had to put up with this OP. I've always thought people who hold these opinions and impart them as if they are nuggets of wisdom/rules to live by, that explain the realities of life to the uninitiated, by are really dense and lacking in an awareness of other people.
Was he always like this.. or is this "laddish" phrase a growing development. Even his Lads said the Valentines Day thing was too much, so they sound more mature than he does. It does sound as though this whole thing is to show off what a "man" he is.
Although, it reminds me of Jay from The Inbetweeners level of behaviour.

Ignore the “lie flatter” crew. Doormats live a terrible life and people like your dh just wipe their feet on them and leave them outside in the cold.

You are a vital, precious, person. If he prefers his boy mates he can ask to move in with one and see how well that works. I wouldn’t accept this arsehole behavior from a husband—what’s the point in being married to an intimate enemy. ? He should fucking love you and your taste in movies!

I understand your frustration, but I can't claim that having a deadline like that doesn't focus the mind. I would genuinely focus on the good that's come out of it.

I've never heard of the phrase "lie flatter" crew. But I relate a lot! I spent the first years of our relationship lying v flat and now I'm speaking up or expressing myself... I'm told I'm not cool or easy going anymore.

Honestly life would feel easier if he did move into his mates!

Telling you you're not cool or easy going any more is bog standard gas lighting. Deceive you in to behaving the way he wants you to. Aka him being able to do whatever the fuck he wants.

Does he care whether you think he is cool or not op?

Think less about whether you are cool enough for him op and focus more on whether he is cool enough for you.

Oh god. So we were discussing the party and also he's got a lad trip planned for August for 4 days. And he went on lads holiday last year with the same group.

And then I mentioned my friends 40th weekend that we have both been invited to but they are my friends and we have no famiky to look after DC. And he started complaining that "Oh you just presume you're doing that without me? Maybe I want to come too. Don't worry. I'll just watch the kids by myself". He was being so sarcastic. I said "but you know we have got no options with DC" and he said "i just dont like the way you frame these conversations and your tone with me. You're presumptuous"

And I just told it to him straight. Told him he was being horrible. He went mad. Silence all day and he's just gone to bed in the spare room. He told me I was an immature lazy arsehole. I did say he was being a dickhead to be fair. It feels like it might be the beginning of the end.

It feels like it might be the beginning of the end.

Thank god for that

He made a stupid comment, you made a dig back at him.

It's bickering.

You may not be compatible. Nobody enjoys this sort of tit for tat in a relationship.

Hopefully it is the beginning of the end. He is completely selfish and self-centred. You are taking yourself and your children away for a weekend so that he can party with his friends and he has also booked a lads holiday for 4 days, but he is guilt tripping you about your friend's 40th birthday weekend?

After him calling you an 'immature lazy arshole' (does he have no self awareness?), I would tell him that you are not going to take the kids away on his party weekend.

I hope you can start making plans to end your marriage. He doesn't deserve you and you deserve much better than him. He definitely is a lazy, immature arsehole.

"Don't worry. I'll just watch the kids by myself". He was being so sarcastic. I said "but you know we have got no options with DC" and he said "i just dont like the way you frame these conversations and your tone with me. You're presumptuous""

What a Prince. He really seems to think that all parenting, house etc work are entirely your responsibility. "Your Presumptuous" How very dare he! That is so Patronising You are being presumptuous for simply stating your needs. Its OK for him to have several weekends away and leave you with the children but how dare you ask for one day off in return - that really is talking to you like a Victorian servant who doesn't know her place. You are there for his convenience and his life issues take priority over all. He does'nt recognise that he owes you any assistance outside of his day to day routine. Selfish man. It's also an effective way of cutting you off from your friends and social circle so that you are always available at home, whilst he is free to roam.

I agree with @thepariscrimefiles. He has ZERO self awareness. He's accusing you of what is actually his own behaviour!

He is always pulling me up on my 'tone' or my 'approach'. As I was going to bed last night - I realised that he has never taken me out or planned an evening. Every holiday, every evening, everything is planned by me. And he always says 'because you're better at that stuff'. He has never booked a resturant or even suggested a drink.

And yet he is constantly on whatsapp with these lads talking about what pub they are going to go, where on the lads holiday they will stay - comparign Airbnb places. he is capable just not with me!!

I was imagining what it would have felt like for him to say "ah i hope you have a great time. you really deserve some fun yourslf' when the 40th came up - rather than telling me off for my 'presumptiousness' and 'tone'. I said this to him and this is when he went mad - saying 'let me speak' and then ranting full on for 10 mins and then as soon as I speak - he walks out.

i know what will happen. he is going to ignore me for 3 days and then will come up to me randomly and kiss me and saying something silly about me being a 'nightmare' or something and then all will be forgotten. i can't let this happen. this has been our pattern for 5 years.

There is a thread on here by a poster with a similarly spiteful, mediocre yet arrogant DH who is always putting his wife down and insulting her, while she is the main breadwinner and does everything for the children. She has been making plans to leave for a while. You may find it helpful.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5135783-to-find-this-h-comment-annoying

then will come up to me randomly and kiss me

Is this him initiating sex by any chance?

Indeed @Sceptical123 he came home tonight and all is forgiven already. Lots of kissing me and grabbing my bum and now I'm lying in my DC room not wanting to go into our bed!! He keeps saying "make up sex later" but urgg I don't want to. I don't like him right now!

"Typically bloke comment, can't come up with a good reason for ignoring his family so blames the woman"

Urgh, he really doesn’t see you as an actual person worthy of respect does he? I can’t imagine DH speaking to me like that or vice versa. We might disagree and even argue sometimes but that level of contempt for me would really out me off someone.