To not allow him to contact my friend, and/or to tell him why?

Cristicalmass · 2025-01-09T10:40:54+00:00

I have a new boyfriend. He’s wonderful and we’re really quite grossly into each other. He met my friends for the first time last weekend at a friend’s engagement party. One of the friends there is someone I love dearly but have distanced myself from because she has history for getting close to people’s partners. No evidence of her sleeping with these men or anything, but just getting uncomfortably close, finding reasons to befriend them, contacting them etc. She actually doesn’t only do it with partners. If you introduce her to any new friend/family member, she’s befriended them and keeping in touch with them. In some ways it’s quite nice but it’s also made many of us uncomfortable in the past. She is extremely beautiful and enigmatic. And single. New boyfriend was very charmed by her. At some points I felt a bit invisible while they were chatting. They had a lot in common. Honestly, I was deeply uncomfortable. I am mature enough to have rationalised that it was hopefully just a combo of my insecurity, alcohol and him making the effort with my friends. They ended up talking about a lot of professional things that they have in common and she’s offered to help him with his new job search, and to meet up for coffee and that she may even have a job for him. I don’t want it. I know it’s controlling, I know relationships need trust, I know it’s immature. But I don’t want it. And I would like to be honest with him about why. AIBU to raise it with him? She’s asked me to tell him to get in touch to discuss further.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 09/01/2025 10:47

I wonder whether you as a group need to tell her what the issue is, as she probably doesn't understand that she's sexy and it's coming across badly?

She's your friend, so a kind and non accusatory word wouldn't be out of place

Original poster

Cristicalmass · 09/01/2025 10:49

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 09/01/2025 10:47

I wonder whether you as a group need to tell her what the issue is, as she probably doesn't understand that she's sexy and it's coming across badly?

She's your friend, so a kind and non accusatory word wouldn't be out of place

i wouldn’t have even thought about this! Super advice.

OP posts:

Alalalala · 09/01/2025 10:51

You need to tell your boyfriend that she has form for this and it’s important to you that there’s a boundary there and he respects it.

If he doesn’t respond well to that, then he’s not the man you hoped.

Original poster

Cristicalmass · 09/01/2025 10:54

Alalalala · 09/01/2025 10:51

You need to tell your boyfriend that she has form for this and it’s important to you that there’s a boundary there and he respects it.

If he doesn’t respond well to that, then he’s not the man you hoped.

Also super advice! Love MN today!

OP posts:

MistyWater · 09/01/2025 10:55

When I was in my 20’s I had a friend like this. It was really odd and I could never figure it out but everytime I liked a guy or got with someone she would suddenly become their best friend. Never made a romantic play for them though.

Laiste · 09/01/2025 11:01

I'd feel the same OP.

I think ..... and i hesitate to say it because it's probably not actually good advice .... i would keep them apart and not tell him about it.

I just think if he fancies her at all, and then you tell him ''oooh don't contact Sheryl cos she'll be all over you!'' It could be the tiny thing which could be the start of the end of your brand new tender relationship.

I know that's probably shit advice sorry.

gannett · 09/01/2025 11:06

Hmm. So your friend doesn't actually make a play for your partners and doesn't lure them into infidelity. All she does is... make friends with her friends' partners, families and friends. That's completely normal. That's how you grow and expand a social circle. I am not sure why it makes you uncomfortable? She's obviously very good at socialising and making connections, and puts in the effort to keep them - more people should be like her. Your partners, friends and family members are not your possessions; if they don't wish to be friends with her, they can make that decision for themselves.

Actually I do have a guess as to why you're uncomfortable. If your friend was a plain Jane and not "beautiful and enigmatic" I imagine you wouldn't think twice about her getting along with other people. As it is I feel sorry for her, because despite her effort into forming a strong social circle, it seems like a lot of her supposed friends are more like frenemies who bitch about her behind her back.

If I was your new boyfriend I would a) be annoyed that you're blocking a potentially good professional contact, which is super important when you're looking for a new job; b) offended that you thought I was the type who'd cheat on you the minute another woman was friendly to me; c) look askance at what you really think of someone you're supposed to be friends with.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 09/01/2025 11:27

gannett · 09/01/2025 11:06

Hmm. So your friend doesn't actually make a play for your partners and doesn't lure them into infidelity. All she does is... make friends with her friends' partners, families and friends. That's completely normal. That's how you grow and expand a social circle. I am not sure why it makes you uncomfortable? She's obviously very good at socialising and making connections, and puts in the effort to keep them - more people should be like her. Your partners, friends and family members are not your possessions; if they don't wish to be friends with her, they can make that decision for themselves.

Actually I do have a guess as to why you're uncomfortable. If your friend was a plain Jane and not "beautiful and enigmatic" I imagine you wouldn't think twice about her getting along with other people. As it is I feel sorry for her, because despite her effort into forming a strong social circle, it seems like a lot of her supposed friends are more like frenemies who bitch about her behind her back.

If I was your new boyfriend I would a) be annoyed that you're blocking a potentially good professional contact, which is super important when you're looking for a new job; b) offended that you thought I was the type who'd cheat on you the minute another woman was friendly to me; c) look askance at what you really think of someone you're supposed to be friends with.

Yes to all of this.

Original poster

Cristicalmass · 09/01/2025 11:32

gannett · 09/01/2025 11:06

Hmm. So your friend doesn't actually make a play for your partners and doesn't lure them into infidelity. All she does is... make friends with her friends' partners, families and friends. That's completely normal. That's how you grow and expand a social circle. I am not sure why it makes you uncomfortable? She's obviously very good at socialising and making connections, and puts in the effort to keep them - more people should be like her. Your partners, friends and family members are not your possessions; if they don't wish to be friends with her, they can make that decision for themselves.

Actually I do have a guess as to why you're uncomfortable. If your friend was a plain Jane and not "beautiful and enigmatic" I imagine you wouldn't think twice about her getting along with other people. As it is I feel sorry for her, because despite her effort into forming a strong social circle, it seems like a lot of her supposed friends are more like frenemies who bitch about her behind her back.

If I was your new boyfriend I would a) be annoyed that you're blocking a potentially good professional contact, which is super important when you're looking for a new job; b) offended that you thought I was the type who'd cheat on you the minute another woman was friendly to me; c) look askance at what you really think of someone you're supposed to be friends with.

This is really not the situation at all. She has been inappropriate in the past with a friend’s boyfriend. It didn’t get to infidelity but she was texting him offering to be a shoulder to cry on for him through a difficult time he and his girlfriend, while talking about said girlfriend (her friend), behind her back.

OP posts:

ForZanyAquaViewer · 09/01/2025 11:37

Cristicalmass · 09/01/2025 11:32

This is really not the situation at all. She has been inappropriate in the past with a friend’s boyfriend. It didn’t get to infidelity but she was texting him offering to be a shoulder to cry on for him through a difficult time he and his girlfriend, while talking about said girlfriend (her friend), behind her back.

Show quote history

So, she made friends with the guy, and talked to him about his relationship? That’s the great wrong this woman has done?

Original poster

Cristicalmass · 09/01/2025 11:40

ForZanyAquaViewer · 09/01/2025 11:37

So, she made friends with the guy, and talked to him about his relationship? That’s the great wrong this woman has done?

Show quote history

He was her closest friend’s boyfriend. I see that as being completely inappropriate, personally. Would you be ok with your partner being comforted by your friend, if you and your partner had an argument? Talking about you behind your back?

OP posts:

EauNeu · 09/01/2025 11:42

I have someone close to me who does this. Real main character energy

AdoraBell · 09/01/2025 11:43

I would tell him she has form and maybe isn’t aware the effects of her behaviour.

WhatTheKey · 09/01/2025 11:43

ForZanyAquaViewer · 09/01/2025 11:37

So, she made friends with the guy, and talked to him about his relationship? That’s the great wrong this woman has done?

Show quote history

Oh come on! You don't set up a private conversation with your mate's bf for him to discuss their relationship with you!

BlueMum16 · 09/01/2025 11:45

Alalalala · 09/01/2025 10:51

You need to tell your boyfriend that she has form for this and it’s important to you that there’s a boundary there and he respects it.

If he doesn’t respond well to that, then he’s not the man you hoped.

I'd do this.

Explain it the way you have in your OP. You don't sound controlling. It sounds valid.

He can then make his own choices about how he continues with both you and your friend.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 09/01/2025 11:47

Cristicalmass · 09/01/2025 11:40

He was her closest friend’s boyfriend. I see that as being completely inappropriate, personally. Would you be ok with your partner being comforted by your friend, if you and your partner had an argument? Talking about you behind your back?

Edited

Show quote history

Would you be ok with your partner being comforted by your friend, if you’d had an argument? Talking about you behind your back?

In considerably less inflammatory language, you’re asking if I’d be alright with my husband talking to a close mutual friend about a row we’d had. Yes, I would think that was a positive/helpful thing. As my friends are people who know and love me (and vice versa) and I’m in a healthy relationship with someone I trust, it wouldn’t occur to me that this was somehow a black mark against said friend.

And this is apparently the worst thing this poor woman has done? This meriting all this angst and mistrust? Christ.

ItGhoul · 09/01/2025 11:49

I don't think you can 'not allow' your boyfriend to do anything. He's a grown man and he can do whatever he likes.

But I do think you can certainly tell him that your friend has a history of finding excuses to get close to people's partners/friends/family. Hard to tell from your post whether you think she actually could help him with his job search, or whether you think she's just making stuff up to get close to him. If it's the former, then I do think you're being a bit ridiculous. But if it's the latter, then it would be reasonable to at least tell your boyfriend that, based on past history, you suspect her job opportunity isn't genuine and that he'd be wasting his time.

I think, however, that you might want to have a think about why you have a problem with this, given that she's never actually had an affair with anyone's partner. You say she does it with people's friends/family as well, so presumably that's women as well as men. I suspect if she wasn't attractive and 'enigmatic' and single, you wouldn't have a problem with her.

Afraidofhimrightnow · 09/01/2025 11:50

As this is a new relationship he has nothing invested in it which means all it will take is a mild attraction to her and if she's sending any romantic signals they're off. So I wouldn't be comfortable with it either.

fairycakes1234 · 09/01/2025 11:52

Laiste · 09/01/2025 11:01

I'd feel the same OP.

I think ..... and i hesitate to say it because it's probably not actually good advice .... i would keep them apart and not tell him about it.

I just think if he fancies her at all, and then you tell him ''oooh don't contact Sheryl cos she'll be all over you!'' It could be the tiny thing which could be the start of the end of your brand new tender relationship.

I know that's probably shit advice sorry.

I think I'd do the same.

Pepla · 09/01/2025 11:54

I agree with @gannett — I don’t think I’d give this a second thought. People naturally make friends with people they meet through friends. I became good friends with a new friend’s husband as she was just about to start the process of divorcing him. Both friendships have survived, though I see more of him as she moved away.

Original poster

Cristicalmass · 09/01/2025 12:05

Pepla · 09/01/2025 11:54

I agree with @gannett — I don’t think I’d give this a second thought. People naturally make friends with people they meet through friends. I became good friends with a new friend’s husband as she was just about to start the process of divorcing him. Both friendships have survived, though I see more of him as she moved away.

I’m not sure I’d have been thrilled about that if I were your friend. That’s not with any judgment to you, btw. Just a reflection on how I’d feel.

OP posts:

MissDoubleU · 09/01/2025 12:08

Well. I also had a friend like this. I felt terrible that my walls were up and I felt uncomfortable leaving her alone with my DP for a few minutes. Felt like an awful friend.

Turns out she slept with her Bestie’s BF years ago, started seeing him the same week they broke up and kept it secret. Continued to be her friend to her face for months.

Sometimes our guts are right I guess? Not saying it is in this case, but it might be worth talking to him. I would be uncomfortable with the fact my bf was “charmed” by another woman. Particularly one who makes a controlled effort to go around charming everyone.

fairycakes1234 · 09/01/2025 12:11

Also why do they have to meet up to discuss contacts, why don't you say to him the next time yous are together to give her a quick ring, ie you ring and chat and then say boyfriend wants a quick word re. contacts and hand him your phone, there's no actual reason for them to meet up really. Husbands a mechanic and when friends have questions re their cars, they usually are talking to me and I'd hand the phone over, they've never specifically rang him directly and I'm friends over 30 years with these women, husband I'm with 28 years, don't think he even has some of their numbers

KnoblesseOblige · 09/01/2025 12:14

My ex was similar to your female friend. He befriends the family, friends, partners of people he knows. He's gone as far as "platonically" escorting his best friend's wife on holiday twice (friend and wife were separated at the time...🤔) because of course poor little woman couldn't possibly go alone... So fucking noble. He was happy for me to holiday alone longhaul with kids though! Funny that!

He was actually waiting for any crumbs to fall from her. Easier to manoeuvre on a close friend's ex than it is to find someone using his own energy. Also, that white knight aspect.. Setting himself up as some sort of benevolent saviour guy to manipulate people into unwittingly thinking he's decent, ugh.

He also remembers every detail of everything mentioned by acquaintances, ingratiates himself with people who should really be on the fringes of his life but then uses them as a topic of conversation to make himself look more normal, I guess. Building a false closeness which I didn't notice, but now makes me so anxious. It's because it's not the real him, it's this odd fawning construct.

In his case, he has narcissistic tendencies too. He likes to boost his public image by being so helpful, so amenable. He would go out at 10pm to fix someone's leaky tap, whilst promising the earth to us, his family, and never delivering on any of the promises.

I would be alert to this. Making friends gradually with each others social circle is good and normal, and shows you are compatible in a wider sense. But this weird targeted ultra helpful ultra attentiveness is so fucking fake and manipulative. They employ plausible deniability as well, making sure that your accusations look crazy, because just on the surface, whats the problem, right?? ...

Your friend is being odd. Your boyfriend is probably just being polite and mindful of joining in with your circle, he would have no idea. You can dump the ftiend and keep the bf if you prefer, it's allowed!

Michellesbackbrace · 09/01/2025 12:16

Hmm. So your friend doesn't actually make a play for your partners and doesn't lure them into infidelity. All she does is... make friends with her friends' partners, families and friends. That's completely normal

Hmmm. Sorry no, introducing your new boyfriend to friends and the.n having one of them offer to meet for coffee to “help him in his job search” and him to be chomping at the bit to get together with her is really not normal behaviour at all.

My friendship group is 8 women who’ve known one another for years and if one of their dh’s wanted to meet up with one of the single friends or vice versa we would all be like “what the actual fuck?”

THAT is a normal response.

Don’t be browbeaten by the “cool girls” who’ll come on the thread telling you you’re insecure etc op - it is a bizarre situation which you have every right to feel uncomfortable with.