To not allow him to contact my friend, and/or to tell him why?

[Cristicalmass]

I have a new boyfriend. He’s wonderful and we’re really quite grossly into each other.

He met my friends for the first time last weekend at a friend’s engagement party.

One of the friends there is someone I love dearly but have distanced myself from because she has history for getting close to people’s partners. No evidence of her sleeping with these men or anything, but just getting uncomfortably close, finding reasons to befriend them, contacting them etc. She actually doesn’t only do it with partners. If you introduce her to any new friend/family member, she’s befriended them and keeping in touch with them. In some ways it’s quite nice but it’s also made many of us uncomfortable in the past.

She is extremely beautiful and enigmatic. And single.

New boyfriend was very charmed by her. At some points I felt a bit invisible while they were chatting. They had a lot in common. Honestly, I was deeply uncomfortable. I am mature enough to have rationalised that it was hopefully just a combo of my insecurity, alcohol and him making the effort with my friends.

They ended up talking about a lot of professional things that they have in common and she’s offered to help him with his new job search, and to meet up for coffee and that she may even have a job for him.

I don’t want it. I know it’s controlling, I know relationships need trust, I know it’s immature.

But I don’t want it. And I would like to be honest with him about why.

AIBU to raise it with him? She’s asked me to tell him to get in touch to discuss further.

Finally some rationality! Thank you for this comment. I'm not British and I'm quite shocked reading here comments and the level of insecurity in women and urge for control. So unhealthy!

I agree with you that her behaviour is inappropriate. If someone wants to expand their friendship group there’s a whole world of people out there to choose from without inveigling their way into other people’s relationships like a cuckoo. It’s called Wendying on here sometimes.

What makes this situation more difficult for you I think is that she’s dangling career help as an excuse to spend time alone with him, a job even. There’s no way you can say there’s no need for her to bother because you can do that and you can’t say you don’t want him to accept what at face value is a generous offer and could be very good for him without sounding ridiculously insecure and selfish.

I’m struggling to think of a way to deal with this and keep your dignity. I doubt a joint effort with your friends to explain how her behaviour makes others feel would make any difference whatsoever. She already knows, unless she’s a moron. And she also knows there's next to nothing anyone can do about it without looking bad themselves.

I’d steer well clear of her tbh. She knows what she’s doing.

I suspect she won't see it as flirting, especially if she's never had a relationship with any of them. She's offered to help someone with their career - that isn't overtly flirtatious behaviour, just helpful. So maybe bring it up with her, but be aware you might need to explain that she comes over as flirtatious.

I had a (now ex) friend like this. She didn't really flirt but she had to be better friends with a partner than anyone else. Just like your friend she would spend the whole night/day in close conversation with a new partner and contact them to build the relationship and become a confidant
For years I gave her the benefit of the doubt and thought it happened naturally. I realised of course that it was planned and manipulate behaviour. Childish too. She would often tell the partner a 'secret' or something personal like a 5 year old wanting to be immediate best friends
She lost interest as they became husbands or long term partners
I dreaded introducing her to my new partner and I saw her in action asking me things about him and I realised what she was going to use the develop a fast, close relationship. She definitely has maim character syndrome
She actually fell out with me because I introduced him to another friend before her. It just happened because we were at the same event

Send her my number sounds lovely. It'll keep her off your fella . .

I'm taking the OP's word and impression as she's the one posting and this yes, I agree this would be inappropriate.

This lady sounds like her boundaries are off whatever her intentions are. It isn't ok to position yourself as a friend's husband's confidante on personal issues, especially discussing the wife.

Her looks may be a factor in that yes, that may make her more appealing but it's mainly her behaviour that would make me wish to keep her at arms length.

I like the PP's suggestion if he asks. I'd quite openly and straightforwardly say 'your call but id prefer if you didn't, if I'm honest. Maureen is a nice person but seems to make a habit of getting involved whenever anyone introduces someone new, offering support and suchlike. No aspersions on you of course, it's just a bit of a pattern '.

Lets him know the the full nature of what's what without embarrassing her unduly. I mean, if she's a world expert in his niche field that may be a bit different but it seems like it's more of a social habit for her. I don't think you have to be too accommodating of what is quite odd and overstepping behaviour.

MN really does attract the insecure. Work on issues within yourselves and most of these threads would never exist.

Hmm. I'm not so sure about you being controlling here.
Tbh I have a rule of my own.
My friends husbands and partners are all people I like, get on with and will have discussion with.
But here's the thing, I am their wife/ partners friend.
Being their friend means that there are lines that are not crossed.
I do not have their husbands/ partners phone numbers.
I do not have discussions with their partners they don't know about.
I am not alone with their husbands or partners.
Because as real friends, you protect your friends relationships as much as your own.

With that in mind I feel like the meeting up for coffee and what not wildly inappropriate.

@Cristicalmass as you've said
She’s asked me to tell him to get in touch to discuss further

I would reply and say directly to her a version of what some of the good suggestions have been here. That you don't think she's aware of how this comes across, that you really want your boyfriend to get on with your friends but that you want to keep your relationship special and not make him into group property. So you won't be passing his number on and you'd appreciate it if she left contacting him alone.

This makes your position clear, and avoids her being able to do a wide eyed 'I had nooo idea this would upset you Christical' later on. Has anyone ever taken this up with her? Or does that not happen?

And then scratch the surface of that you will find there's hidden lust of others, crushes and possible cheating going on, that's the reality. She sounds trouble your friend, and ridic insecure.

At the end of the day, it seems that you and your friends are very insecure, your friend may have some sort of mental health issues and just be extremely friendly to everyone she meets, she may feel as she is your friend that you would not only trust her but also trust your partner, I'm a single guy and I've a lot of female friends, some have partners, some are married and a few are single, we all met at a weekend away, they were having a girly weekend away from their partners and we now meet up at weekends and sometimes we share a chalet at places.
Their husbands and partners trust them 100% and know that no matter who tries to flirt with them that they will befriend and have a laugh with them but there will be no sexual attraction or contact.
This is what trust is all about, someone trying to tempt your partner and they say that they are with someone, if they don't then they are not someone you should want to be with, the same as your friend, you say that she has never done anything and she has shown she is a good and trustworthy person but everyone is talking about her behind her back accusing her off doing something she clearly isn't.

I think this is good

i was thinking though that it’s going to be hard to word it in a way which doesn’t make it seem like you have insecurity/possessive/jealousy vibes

I also knew somebody like this at uni - she needed to prove that she could have any man she wanted, even if they were going out with her friends. She didn’t actually want them, just wanted to prove to herself that she could take them if she wanted (she boasted about this when drunk).

Once she’d “proved” to herself she could have them if she wanted, she dropped them like a stone and moved onto the next mark.

But those you are describing are established LTRs not new relationships where the bond hasn't yet formed. Trust is built up over time and with work, it's not an instant thing.

If you have someone in your friendship group that targets new entrants to that group as potential friends/partners for themselves, regardless of her or his intentions, it really scuppers potential relationships where a good bond you may have built up over time is lost because something happens or someone turns up to interrupt it. So many relationships get a bad start due to this and yes many of them will be crappy whether that friend is doing this or not but not necessarily all of them.

So while I agree that in LTRs trust is needed, in early relationships it's just not there. It's something few people on MN talk about because there seems to be an assumption that you should just instantly trust people with no effort, but that's not how trust works, it's very hard won and all too easily lost.

I'm sorry but as lot have said it really seems like you are the one with the problem, also you come on here asking for advice and if its not what you want to hear then you don't like it, it's all about trust.
I've been the person's shoulder to cry on before and both involved are now engaged, we were away at a big weekend meet up and they were having problems, I spoke to her and she asked me to go and see her at their room, while I was there her fella came back and she asked him to leave so he did, we then spoke and after I went and spoke to him, neither of them had any trust issues and both appreciated me talking to them both, to me that shows a strong relationship and a strong friendship, he trusted me to talk to her alone and left me and her in their room, to me that meant an awful lot.
I personally think that if you feel this way about your friend and your boyfriend then you shouldn't be in a relationship, you need to sort your insecurities out before you can be with someone else, all it will do is cause a rift between you and him and your friend, plus when you start controlling who someone can talk to and be friends with, where does it stop, will he have to stop spending time with his other mates and not being able to go out with them with out being accused of something happening.

Oh come on, none of us would be happy with our boyfriend chatting privately with, and cosying up with, our "beautiful enigmatic friend!" Still less with them discussing our relationship issues tête a tête! I know I wouldn't!

Most people on this thread (78%) actually beg to differ

No, it isn't normal behaviour to make a noticeable habit of approaching friend's partners and relatives to try and make immediate close connections, offer them professional advice, meet up etc outwith the group. as the OP says, this is a pattern, not a one off tipsy situation where people have ended up chatting.

Of course friends and partners can mix. But there are boundaries. E.g. my friend travelled for work for months and I invited her partner for dinner and drinks but with my partner of the time, not just the two of us as we didn't have a standalone friendship.

Whatever her game is, it isn't controlling to want to keep it away from a new relationship. Or of course at least to express a preference for and let him make his own decision.

Listen to me very carefully.

This woman is a calculated, mischeivous sprite. She knows precisely what she is doing and will luxuriate in the misery of undermining your relationship. Ask your bf to block her number and not explain why, because if he does, she will get a fart-huffing high from that, too. Women who do this LOVE it when a man admits his partner doesn't want her sniffing around him, so you must not supply her with that satisfaction.

You both need to point and laugh at this woman and her pitiful desperation to get desperation from this.

There's a reason she doesn't have a boyfriend of her own, beautiful or not, and it's because men can't fucking stand her, so she only goes after men who are otherwise engaged.

You both need to point and laugh at this woman and her pitiful desperation to get desperation from this.

Your whole post is mental, but this is particularly psychotic!

Agree, I’ve known one or two of these women and you learn to spot the signs. They really do get a high off being desired by other people’s partners. It’s absolutely a power play and makes them feel great.

Its insidious behaviour.

Yep. I'm replying to you from the asylum right now. Tell me, how does your best friend's husbands cologne taste?

My source for this information: I Live in the World.

*meant to say get validation not get desperation ,whoops

Also wanted to add that if you cast a tablespoon of dubiety on her intentions, she will gaslight you to no end, act 'sweet' and apologetic, and backhandedly suggest you are toxic, jealous, crazy; wrapped in a disingenuous compliment.

I understand the female psychology of this. I see the bullshit. I see the filth. These type of woman is a pestilence to normal women and they should be outed, ostracised and exiled from our circles.

Be smart, Op. Godspeed

What’s wrong with befriending friends of friends?

Also is there any evidence of inappropriate behaviour from her or is it just because she’s single and attractive?