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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not allow him to contact my friend, and/or to tell him why?

149 replies

Cristicalmass · 09/01/2025 10:40

I have a new boyfriend. He’s wonderful and we’re really quite grossly into each other.

He met my friends for the first time last weekend at a friend’s engagement party.

One of the friends there is someone I love dearly but have distanced myself from because she has history for getting close to people’s partners. No evidence of her sleeping with these men or anything, but just getting uncomfortably close, finding reasons to befriend them, contacting them etc. She actually doesn’t only do it with partners. If you introduce her to any new friend/family member, she’s befriended them and keeping in touch with them. In some ways it’s quite nice but it’s also made many of us uncomfortable in the past.

She is extremely beautiful and enigmatic. And single.

New boyfriend was very charmed by her. At some points I felt a bit invisible while they were chatting. They had a lot in common. Honestly, I was deeply uncomfortable. I am mature enough to have rationalised that it was hopefully just a combo of my insecurity, alcohol and him making the effort with my friends.

They ended up talking about a lot of professional things that they have in common and she’s offered to help him with his new job search, and to meet up for coffee and that she may even have a job for him.

I don’t want it. I know it’s controlling, I know relationships need trust, I know it’s immature.

But I don’t want it. And I would like to be honest with him about why.

AIBU to raise it with him? She’s asked me to tell him to get in touch to discuss further.

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 09/01/2025 12:18

Michellesbackbrace · 09/01/2025 12:16

Hmm. So your friend doesn't actually make a play for your partners and doesn't lure them into infidelity. All she does is... make friends with her friends' partners, families and friends. That's completely normal

Hmmm. Sorry no, introducing your new boyfriend to friends and the.n having one of them offer to meet for coffee to “help him in his job search” and him to be chomping at the bit to get together with her is really not normal behaviour at all.

My friendship group is 8 women who’ve known one another for years and if one of their dh’s wanted to meet up with one of the single friends or vice versa we would all be like “what the actual fuck?”

THAT is a normal response.

Don’t be browbeaten by the “cool girls” who’ll come on the thread telling you you’re insecure etc op - it is a bizarre situation which you have every right to feel uncomfortable with.

Whole heartedly agree.

Michellesbackbrace · 09/01/2025 12:20

KnoblesseOblige · 09/01/2025 12:14

My ex was similar to your female friend. He befriends the family, friends, partners of people he knows. He's gone as far as "platonically" escorting his best friend's wife on holiday twice (friend and wife were separated at the time...🤔) because of course poor little woman couldn't possibly go alone... So fucking noble. He was happy for me to holiday alone longhaul with kids though! Funny that!

He was actually waiting for any crumbs to fall from her. Easier to manoeuvre on a close friend's ex than it is to find someone using his own energy. Also, that white knight aspect.. Setting himself up as some sort of benevolent saviour guy to manipulate people into unwittingly thinking he's decent, ugh.

He also remembers every detail of everything mentioned by acquaintances, ingratiates himself with people who should really be on the fringes of his life but then uses them as a topic of conversation to make himself look more normal, I guess. Building a false closeness which I didn't notice, but now makes me so anxious. It's because it's not the real him, it's this odd fawning construct.

In his case, he has narcissistic tendencies too. He likes to boost his public image by being so helpful, so amenable. He would go out at 10pm to fix someone's leaky tap, whilst promising the earth to us, his family, and never delivering on any of the promises.

I would be alert to this. Making friends gradually with each others social circle is good and normal, and shows you are compatible in a wider sense. But this weird targeted ultra helpful ultra attentiveness is so fucking fake and manipulative. They employ plausible deniability as well, making sure that your accusations look crazy, because just on the surface, whats the problem, right?? ...

Your friend is being odd. Your boyfriend is probably just being polite and mindful of joining in with your circle, he would have no idea. You can dump the ftiend and keep the bf if you prefer, it's allowed!

I was going to say this too. The men I know who are the kind who like to be friends with everyone and have inappropriate relationships with other women are the narcissistic types who push boundaries and usually choose a partner whom they can browbeat into accepting it (“oh you’re just insecure - were just friends”) they’re the type who will have an affair with anyone who responds and love attention - usually leaving an upset and resentful partner wondering what is wrong with her, why can’t she just be happy he’s OuT MaKiNg FrIEnDs!??

Chuchoter · 09/01/2025 12:24

She is playing a game. She knows she's attractive. She doesn't want your boyfriend or your friends, she just loves diverting their attention from you to her and then will react with faux shock if you question her intentions.

She's a piece of work.

OurDreamLife · 09/01/2025 12:26

It sounds like they might have a natural chemistry to me but I don’t think you can ban them from chatting etc

gannett · 09/01/2025 12:28

Michellesbackbrace · 09/01/2025 12:16

Hmm. So your friend doesn't actually make a play for your partners and doesn't lure them into infidelity. All she does is... make friends with her friends' partners, families and friends. That's completely normal

Hmmm. Sorry no, introducing your new boyfriend to friends and the.n having one of them offer to meet for coffee to “help him in his job search” and him to be chomping at the bit to get together with her is really not normal behaviour at all.

My friendship group is 8 women who’ve known one another for years and if one of their dh’s wanted to meet up with one of the single friends or vice versa we would all be like “what the actual fuck?”

THAT is a normal response.

Don’t be browbeaten by the “cool girls” who’ll come on the thread telling you you’re insecure etc op - it is a bizarre situation which you have every right to feel uncomfortable with.

Maybe that's the case if your friendship group is a closed circle of only eight people? My social circles are larger than that (and also... not just women) and it's utterly bog-standard to become friends with your friends' partners. It would be considered odder if that didn't happen.

One of my best friends now is someone I met because she went out with one of my oldest (male) friends, and I ended up as her housemate. They split up after a few years and both are now married to other people but by that time my friendship with her was separate to my friendship with him.

BeensOnToost · 09/01/2025 12:29

I wouldn't. I think you'll learn more about his character by letting nature take its course and waste less time. If he cheats, fuck him, move on. Better than trying to avoid him falling in love with her, only to find out he is a scumbag in 5 years.

LittleRedYoshi · 09/01/2025 12:32

ForZanyAquaViewer · 09/01/2025 11:47

Would you be ok with your partner being comforted by your friend, if you’d had an argument? Talking about you behind your back?

In considerably less inflammatory language, you’re asking if I’d be alright with my husband talking to a close mutual friend about a row we’d had. Yes, I would think that was a positive/helpful thing. As my friends are people who know and love me (and vice versa) and I’m in a healthy relationship with someone I trust, it wouldn’t occur to me that this was somehow a black mark against said friend.

And this is apparently the worst thing this poor woman has done? This meriting all this angst and mistrust? Christ.

Show quote history

You're conflating "mutual friend" with "friend of the relationship", and they're not necessarily the same thing. It may be ok to talk about a row with a mutual friend who wants the relationship to succeed, but if that friend has their own agenda, it's a very different matter.

SiobhanSharpe · 09/01/2025 12:33

Actually, I did once have a friend like this and she did in fact have a habit of making a serious play for her friends' partners.
I don't know if she was just competitive or trying to get closer to the friends themselves but we are no longer friends, thank God.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 09/01/2025 12:35

OurDreamLife · 09/01/2025 12:26

It sounds like they might have a natural chemistry to me but I don’t think you can ban them from chatting etc

I fear this too and I'm feeling very uncomfy reading this because I have been here before and it's triggering so many bad memories.
I'm so glad I'm happily single I know that's super unhelpful.

Caroparo52 · 09/01/2025 12:35

You don't feel okay with it. The End. Tell either him or her or both of them just that or its curtains for the friendships. We all have to make choices and a real friend or nice boyfriend will understand your disquiet. I would be eaten away with insecurity or jealousy or whatever you want to call it if left unresolved. Be it juvenile or gut that would be my reaction

MissDoubleU · 09/01/2025 12:40

SiobhanSharpe · 09/01/2025 12:33

Actually, I did once have a friend like this and she did in fact have a habit of making a serious play for her friends' partners.
I don't know if she was just competitive or trying to get closer to the friends themselves but we are no longer friends, thank God.

It’s a weird power play of having an “in” with their friend’s boyfriends. Like; ‘yes, you have this man but really I know I could go there if I wanted.’ It’s so insidious.

VoltaireMittyDream · 09/01/2025 12:44

I had a uni friend like this - our male friends could never see it and all found themselves bewitched by her. She seemed to enjoy creating this feeling of intimacy with men she had no romantic interest in, and then to enjoy stringing them along while they pined for her.

She was basically coming on to my then boyfriend (now DH) the first time she met him, and he took me aside and said ‘your friend is being really weird and out of line and it’s making me uncomfortable ’. He was the first man who’d ever seen her behaviour for what it was. Hopefully your boyfriend will, too.

Christmasnamechsngexx · 09/01/2025 12:44

SiobhanSharpe · 09/01/2025 12:33

Actually, I did once have a friend like this and she did in fact have a habit of making a serious play for her friends' partners.
I don't know if she was just competitive or trying to get closer to the friends themselves but we are no longer friends, thank God.

I had a friend like this too, I'm so glad she's not in my life anymore!

malificent7 · 09/01/2025 12:49

So many people lack appropriate boundaries. It's no doubt due to upbringing or some sort of personality dosorder. This " friend" is one such character. Why is she still a friend btw? Distance yourself.

Adamante · 09/01/2025 12:52

Laiste · 09/01/2025 11:01

I'd feel the same OP.

I think ..... and i hesitate to say it because it's probably not actually good advice .... i would keep them apart and not tell him about it.

I just think if he fancies her at all, and then you tell him ''oooh don't contact Sheryl cos she'll be all over you!'' It could be the tiny thing which could be the start of the end of your brand new tender relationship.

I know that's probably shit advice sorry.

It’s very good advice 🙂

Honestly though I’d probably just let things take their course. If anything is going to happen, it’s better now early on than later when she’s been at that back of his mind for years and you’ve built a life together.

Tillow4ever · 09/01/2025 13:08

Putting a different spin on your friend - could it be that to her these are "safe" men? By that I mean they are men in relationships with her friends so she doesn't have to worry about their intentions etc - she can just be friends with them?

I'm a bit like that (but not even remotely attractive - that probably makes a difference here) because I've had problems in the past with men and at least I know when I'm chatting with friends boyfriends/husbands etc I'm much less likely to experiencing handsy behaviour etc!

That said, if the relationship we're going through tough times there is no way I'd be the comforting ear for my friend's boyfriend.....

Ultimately I think you have 3 choices:

  1. Don't give your BF any of her contact details or facilitate a meet up
  2. Give him the info but also tell him what you've told us here so he can be en guarde so that speak!
  3. Talk to your friend and ask her if she realises she's doing it and what her intentions are.

Personally I'd go with option 2, and ultimately if he is tempted away by your friend, he's not the one for you - and wouldn't you rather know that now than years down the line?

AliceMcK · 09/01/2025 13:13

I know women like this and no I’ve learnt never to trust them or encourage “friendships” with my partners. But, saying that I would struggle on the job front, if she can really help your bf find a better job I don’t think I’d stand in the way. I think it’s 50/50 on how he would take you talking to him about her, it might come across as petty jealousy if you bring it up now, or he may see where your coming from 🤷‍♀️

Going forward I’d preempt this by warning any future BFs about your over friendly friends who has form for causing trouble with couples.

CollectedStories · 09/01/2025 13:13

gannett · 09/01/2025 12:28

Maybe that's the case if your friendship group is a closed circle of only eight people? My social circles are larger than that (and also... not just women) and it's utterly bog-standard to become friends with your friends' partners. It would be considered odder if that didn't happen.

One of my best friends now is someone I met because she went out with one of my oldest (male) friends, and I ended up as her housemate. They split up after a few years and both are now married to other people but by that time my friendship with her was separate to my friendship with him.

Show quote history

Yes, exactly.

You know all those posts on here complaining about loneliness, and asking how you can make friends in your 30s and beyond -- this is how, or at least one of the easiest and pleasantest ways, by becoming friends with your friends' friends and partners. Like you, my friendships with some friends' former partners have long outlasted their relationships.

BlueSky2024 · 09/01/2025 13:14

Cristicalmass · 09/01/2025 11:32

This is really not the situation at all. She has been inappropriate in the past with a friend’s boyfriend. It didn’t get to infidelity but she was texting him offering to be a shoulder to cry on for him through a difficult time he and his girlfriend, while talking about said girlfriend (her friend), behind her back.

Show quote history

And you still say you love this person dearly….are you sure and if so why?

Tumbler2121 · 09/01/2025 15:17

I think funny story ... I came across a man like this. I socialised with my brother and his friends, met them mostly through judo. This guy was on the periphery of the group, and one evening out with the group when my brother went to chat to someone else he came over and was very, very attentive, attractive and it was quite a good interaction..... however

He couldn't work out why all the others were looking amused. He had mistakenly thought I was brother's new girlfriend, and that was why he went for me. He was well known for it, all the rest of the group just thought it was funny ... his nickname was Sharkey! And no, I didn't date him.

gannett · 09/01/2025 15:33

Cristicalmass · 09/01/2025 11:32

This is really not the situation at all. She has been inappropriate in the past with a friend’s boyfriend. It didn’t get to infidelity but she was texting him offering to be a shoulder to cry on for him through a difficult time he and his girlfriend, while talking about said girlfriend (her friend), behind her back.

Show quote history

This is weak sauce, hardly indicative that she's some femme fatale, and only one example; I'm curious what happened in all the other instances of this woman daring to be friendly with your family members and female friends that you mentioned in your OP?

And if you do find her behaviour so wildly inappropriate why on earth do you all still hang out with her? If you think she's so awful leave her alone to make friends with people who actually like her. (Like all of your partners, friends and family members who are apparently enraptured with her.)

KrisAkabusi · 09/01/2025 15:57

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 09/01/2025 10:47

I wonder whether you as a group need to tell her what the issue is, as she probably doesn't understand that she's sexy and it's coming across badly?

She's your friend, so a kind and non accusatory word wouldn't be out of place

You really think that a group of you should sit her down and tell her she's too sexy and that none of you like it or trust her? Because you obviously don't if you're giving her instructions to stay away from your men. You really think that this would go well?

I'm amazed that there are people agreeing with you!

Sheneversaidthat · 09/01/2025 16:00

I had a very close friend that would do this and it drove me up the wall.
When I broke up with a long term boyfriend who cheated on me constantly she stayed in touch and went to the pub with him and his/my friends. When I introduced her to people I worked with or new friends I’d made, she’d suddenly be friends with them on Facebook. When I got married she invited my new in laws around for a bbq at her (shared accommodation/student digs) house.
I felt completely suffocated and like I couldn’t have a life outside of her.
One day it all came out, I told her how I felt about it and she was genuinely bemused, I think in her head that what was mine was automatically hers.
She took it on the chin(ish), and didn’t repeat the behaviour.
I would speak to her, she’s a friend and I’m assuming she doesn’t want to upset you or cause you pain.

gannett · 09/01/2025 16:08

Sheneversaidthat · 09/01/2025 16:00

I had a very close friend that would do this and it drove me up the wall.
When I broke up with a long term boyfriend who cheated on me constantly she stayed in touch and went to the pub with him and his/my friends. When I introduced her to people I worked with or new friends I’d made, she’d suddenly be friends with them on Facebook. When I got married she invited my new in laws around for a bbq at her (shared accommodation/student digs) house.
I felt completely suffocated and like I couldn’t have a life outside of her.
One day it all came out, I told her how I felt about it and she was genuinely bemused, I think in her head that what was mine was automatically hers.
She took it on the chin(ish), and didn’t repeat the behaviour.
I would speak to her, she’s a friend and I’m assuming she doesn’t want to upset you or cause you pain.

Your friends and colleagues are not your exclusive possessions.

Back when Facebook was a thing for me, I added friends of friends all the time if I got on with them. Many of them became my friends too. None of the original mutual friends ever took offence and I'd have thought them batshit if they did.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 09/01/2025 16:11

KrisAkabusi · 09/01/2025 15:57

You really think that a group of you should sit her down and tell her she's too sexy and that none of you like it or trust her? Because you obviously don't if you're giving her instructions to stay away from your men. You really think that this would go well?

I'm amazed that there are people agreeing with you!

Show quote history

I feel bad for the friend - it could be that she simply doesn't know the impact she has on men and how making friends with them is coming across.

I'm recently diagnosed with autism and, looking back, have unintentionally been in a similar situation 🥺

It very well could be that she just doesn't realise the impact of her actions.

In a genuine friendship, I would tell her