To not allow him to contact my friend, and/or to tell him why?

[Cristicalmass]

I have a new boyfriend. He’s wonderful and we’re really quite grossly into each other.

He met my friends for the first time last weekend at a friend’s engagement party.

One of the friends there is someone I love dearly but have distanced myself from because she has history for getting close to people’s partners. No evidence of her sleeping with these men or anything, but just getting uncomfortably close, finding reasons to befriend them, contacting them etc. She actually doesn’t only do it with partners. If you introduce her to any new friend/family member, she’s befriended them and keeping in touch with them. In some ways it’s quite nice but it’s also made many of us uncomfortable in the past.

She is extremely beautiful and enigmatic. And single.

New boyfriend was very charmed by her. At some points I felt a bit invisible while they were chatting. They had a lot in common. Honestly, I was deeply uncomfortable. I am mature enough to have rationalised that it was hopefully just a combo of my insecurity, alcohol and him making the effort with my friends.

They ended up talking about a lot of professional things that they have in common and she’s offered to help him with his new job search, and to meet up for coffee and that she may even have a job for him.

I don’t want it. I know it’s controlling, I know relationships need trust, I know it’s immature.

But I don’t want it. And I would like to be honest with him about why.

AIBU to raise it with him? She’s asked me to tell him to get in touch to discuss further.

Spot on.

I also suspect she's the type to be always sitting on her "friends" partners laps at parties, long bare legs on show, all very innocent of course!!

As a single parent, there is no way in hell I would be arranging to meet up with a female friend's partner on their own, however well we get along or however many contacts I have. You just don't.

I would not be happy with my partner meeting up alone with an attractive female friend of mine. Full stop.

What's not normal about it, what's not normal is controlling her boyfriend from who he can and can't be friends with, it sounds like you are the same, very insecure and can not trust anyone to be around your partner, a good relationship works only when there is trust, if there is no trust then there is no relationship, would you worry about them having a friend of the same sex if they were gay, incase they turn your partner and have an affair with them.

Not all of them have been long term relationships, some have been new and was the reason that they had some issues, there may not be instant trust at the beginning of a relationship but there has to be some otherwise it will never work, say you met someone and after a couple of dates you say about going out with your friends and they say I don't want you going because we in a new relationship and I don't trust you enough yet to go out with your friends.

For all her beauty and enigma, is she actually low in self-esteem? Because this is maybe a more likely motivation than stamp-collecting other women's partners out of spite - I've seen this before - it's as if she doesn't trust her own choice in men, but a friend gives her 'seal of approval' to a man so he becomes desirable...

🤔

But only insecure people would worry, I'm a friendly guy, I get in with everyone and I have a lot of friends male and female, I've even shared beds with them, just so someone didn't have to sleep on the floor, trust is just that, trusting the person and knowing that they love you and nothing will stop that, and having someone to talk to about relationship problems, why does it matter if she is a good looking girl or not.

This woman sounds like a bit of a player. I completely understand where you are coming from OP. There's no need for them to meet in person, it's just awkward, I have loads of people like your boyfriend - chat on the phone, send over CV, few emails, end.
At the end of the day you can't stop your boyfriend but likewise part of growing in a relationship is communicating your needs and letting him know what makes you uncomfortable.

My ex husband used to do this.. he’d make loads of effort with my girl friends, txting them, being the shoulder to lean on if they were having issues, once we were meeting a friend we rarely see at a wedding & he knew all about her relationship issues even tho we rarely txt & only catch up at joint friends events. However he never could form real friendships with my male friends or didn’t put as much effort in. I never noticed this until near the end of our marriage & it was pointed out to me. After the marriage ended one of my friends came foreard to admit he’d tried it on with her. She had rebutted him & kept all the messages as proof as he said it was a mutual flirtation. I have also had two other female ‘friends’ that love to get close to other peoples partners. They don’t fancy them but it’s their own insecurity that makes them want to prove they could take them if they wanted. My gut instinct is that OP is right to be wary.

I wouldn’t mention it, if anything is said I would say something like ‘I completely forgot, sorry’. There’s no need for your friend to be this friendly with your new man, I wouldn’t even entertain this with a friends bf unless it was to plan a surprise for the gf etc. There’s no need to draw attention to the conversation and hopefully your bf has taken it as politeness.

Yep and friends like this too. And I’d drive myself mad as it seemed like I was the only one that noticed & everyone else thought they were great!
And it’s all micro aggressions that when seen singularity can make you seem petty or over sensitive but altogether it’s most definitely inappropriate. I also binned them & never looked back.

I had a friend like this, she’s now an ex friend married to my ex husband 😀 hope things work out better for you 😀

I consider many of my friends partners as my friends. I have never arranged to meet them seperately for coffee or he a shoulder to cry on it is inappropriate.

I thinking letting your boyfriend now this is a firm boundary for you then seeing if he is willing to respect it is very reasonable. I would also tell friend it is overstepping.

You described your friends in the post I answered as being single or married so unless the married friends were on a TV show those attached would have known their partners for some time.

say you met someone and after a couple of dates you say about going out with your friends and they say I don't want you going because we in a new relationship and I don't trust you enough yet to go out with your friends.

It has not only been said but it has been done to me by new BFs, took months before I met their wider social group, I did meet best friends quite early on. Truth is I would never have allowed one of their friends to monopolise my time anyway and I would have expected the same courtesy back.

The point in this thread is the OP said her new BF was charmed by her friend and she felt left out at times. That isn't a normal level of involvement when meeting a new friend. Of course that is partly on her BF too, both friend and BF should have been more emotionally intelligent than to do that if it was all so innocent. It is also not normal to want to meet up with someones partner alone after meeting them once, who the fuck does that to their friend?

It's all very well getting on with folk, that's fine but what is being described by OP is an attempt at an unusually high level of involvement for a friend to attempt to have with their friends new partner after just one meeting.

Good fences make good neighbours, there is a reason why boundaries work in human relationships and this is a boundary that the OPs friend crosses all too readily.

I had a friend like this. She was nosy that was why she wanted to be close to everyone so she could find out, and share the gossip. She also over-shared herself and asked inappropriate questions of almost complete strangers e.g. about their sex life etc.
Id maybe just tell him she's a bit OTT , that you don't think she's a great contact (unless she actually has major significance in the sector they work in) and just leave things to settle. If I truly felt this way about a friend i.e. I didn't think our values aligned then id be reducing contact anyway so you probably won't cross paths again much if you do that.

I had a friend like this, I asked her about it after I found a picture of her having dinner with my boyfriend when he was showing some pics on his phone. Apparently it was to discuss some medical treatment (cosmetic) he was thinking about... anyone she admitted it was to see if she "could have him"....That severed our friendship for many years, but we are very proud friends now as when she heard from others that I was in a difficult place she was incredibly supportive. At the time in question she had just gone through a difficult divorce and was very insecure, not an excuse.

I'm like this. My sister doesn't like me to meet her friends because I steal them apparently. I didnt even mean to come across that way and we have a great relationship, my sister and I, and when she told me I was taken aback because I never even thought about it like that. I was just friendly because they're her friends and don't want to be rude. FB adding and talking on there is just normal behaviour to me. I try to be overly cautious not to behave a certain way but I don't know what I'm doing or why that happens because I'm just me. The other day a lady we know mutually and my sister has known her and been friends with her for a good many years now think around 8 and me 4, we were talking about something random while waiting for my sister to show up and got onto the subject somehow saying she can see why as I seem much more outgoing and she's much more self contained. More fun was another. I told her no way am I more outgoing and more fun lol my sister is much more like that than me but I apparently that's how I come across, even though for the past 20yrs I've tried not to. Your friend is likely the same and tries to be friendly because they're your friends and makes an effort because they're your partners. I always offer help like your friend but normally help with getting help with Sen kids, which can mean I'm with them for hours getting them to see the right people. If there's been no attempt at romance then definitely sounds like the sort of person I am. I'm married though so wouldn't seem as much of a threat. Likely she doesn't know if she's never been told as I didn't until my sister told me all those years ago.

I think the real issue the OP has with her friend is that she's 'beautiful and enigmatic' as well as single. This makes her (apparently) a threat despite the fact that she doesn't only befriend men, and she's never to the OP's knowledge made a sexual advance to any of them.

So you're fine unless you have enigmatic cheekbones or something.

Just be honest with your bf about the situation. I had a friend like this and I honestly believe she needed to be needed and this was even at the expense of knowing she was overstepping at times. She is likely very insecure and needs validation and sadly doesn’t care how she gets it. I also agree you could have a conversation with her about how her actions make you feel. It’s unlikely she’s unaware but has probably never been called out on it.

I think it's naive to think that appearance is irrelevant here. In an ideal world, yes. But in the real world, let's be honest, it does matter.

Thing is @mezlou84 there is a difference between
I always offer help like your friend but normally help with getting help with Sen kids, which can mean I'm with them for hours getting them to see the right people.

That's generous of you but will appeal particularly to women who as mums of children with SEN will be grateful for help. Not saying no men would be interested but it's a far cry from jobs / industry networking which, coincidentally, would get the attention of lots of men.

She already said she was inappropriate with a male friend?

We all have boundaries and I wouldn’t be comfortable with how she acts. We don’t need to be best buddies with everyone. People gaslighting you saying you need trust bla bla bla, bollocks to that, in this situation it’s not a long standing relationship bewteen them.

I wouldn’t dream of texting any of my close friends DH. I don’t need their friendship as I have my own girl friends. The feeling is mutual between my friends, all of whom are separate and don’t know each other really, so it goes to show it’s not the norm to become good friends in your own right with your friends husbands. Different if you all do things as a group in couples and you get to know them over time and you text them directly asking a question, but to be texting your friends DH is absolutely crossing boundaries in my friendship group. It’s not about trust of your DH it’s about your friend not respecting boundaries.

You’ll get folk on here as per saying you’re OTT bla bla but I disagree, it’s your mate crossing boundaries. She sounds like an attention seeker not happy in her own life so wants to be involved in everyone else’s.