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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow him to contact my friend, and/or to tell him why?

149 replies

Cristicalmass · 09/01/2025 10:40

I have a new boyfriend. He’s wonderful and we’re really quite grossly into each other.

He met my friends for the first time last weekend at a friend’s engagement party.

One of the friends there is someone I love dearly but have distanced myself from because she has history for getting close to people’s partners. No evidence of her sleeping with these men or anything, but just getting uncomfortably close, finding reasons to befriend them, contacting them etc. She actually doesn’t only do it with partners. If you introduce her to any new friend/family member, she’s befriended them and keeping in touch with them. In some ways it’s quite nice but it’s also made many of us uncomfortable in the past.

She is extremely beautiful and enigmatic. And single.

New boyfriend was very charmed by her. At some points I felt a bit invisible while they were chatting. They had a lot in common. Honestly, I was deeply uncomfortable. I am mature enough to have rationalised that it was hopefully just a combo of my insecurity, alcohol and him making the effort with my friends.

They ended up talking about a lot of professional things that they have in common and she’s offered to help him with his new job search, and to meet up for coffee and that she may even have a job for him.

I don’t want it. I know it’s controlling, I know relationships need trust, I know it’s immature.

But I don’t want it. And I would like to be honest with him about why.

AIBU to raise it with him? She’s asked me to tell him to get in touch to discuss further.

OP posts:
PeppermintPatty10 · 09/01/2025 21:02

Super weird situation and I know the type of behaviour. Sorry but I would be honest with your boyfriend, OP!

PeppermintPatty10 · 09/01/2025 21:05

Like other PPs have said, I would find it difficult to be friends with this sort of woman.
I know that's not the question you initially asked, but it's a horrible to feeling to know that your lovely boyfriend is about to get text messages/advice/offers to meet up one-on-one with one of your friends.
I would definitely be telling him that she has form for this.

TheOccupier · 09/01/2025 21:20

It is not clear to me why your group still tolerates this woman. If she makes a habit of cosying up to her friends' new boyfriends, don't let her meet them! I would have cut her out by now.

MrsSunshine2b · 09/01/2025 21:27

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 09/01/2025 10:47

I wonder whether you as a group need to tell her what the issue is, as she probably doesn't understand that she's sexy and it's coming across badly?

She's your friend, so a kind and non accusatory word wouldn't be out of place

What a great idea.

"Could you please try to stop being so good looking and also try being less of a nice person? Like, instead of doing your hair and wearing make-up, maybe you could put a sack over your head and wear a habit? And instead of talking about your hobbies and asking people questions about themselves and their lives, ignore them and only talk about Love Island? Thanks babe, much appreciated."

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 09/01/2025 21:46

MrsSunshine2b · 09/01/2025 21:27

What a great idea.

"Could you please try to stop being so good looking and also try being less of a nice person? Like, instead of doing your hair and wearing make-up, maybe you could put a sack over your head and wear a habit? And instead of talking about your hobbies and asking people questions about themselves and their lives, ignore them and only talk about Love Island? Thanks babe, much appreciated."

Show quote history

😄 no more like, 'girl, we love you, but you're sometimes overdoing it with our men, being a bit too friendly' - I dunno, maybe in a nicer way, but if this is truly a friend, she deserves the truth

Startinganew32 · 09/01/2025 21:48

MrsSunshine2b · 09/01/2025 21:27

What a great idea.

"Could you please try to stop being so good looking and also try being less of a nice person? Like, instead of doing your hair and wearing make-up, maybe you could put a sack over your head and wear a habit? And instead of talking about your hobbies and asking people questions about themselves and their lives, ignore them and only talk about Love Island? Thanks babe, much appreciated."

Show quote history

Not sure why the sarcasm - this woman sounds quite horrible and like she knows exactly what she is doing.

Andoutcomethewolves · 09/01/2025 21:53

KnoblesseOblige · 09/01/2025 12:14

My ex was similar to your female friend. He befriends the family, friends, partners of people he knows. He's gone as far as "platonically" escorting his best friend's wife on holiday twice (friend and wife were separated at the time...🤔) because of course poor little woman couldn't possibly go alone... So fucking noble. He was happy for me to holiday alone longhaul with kids though! Funny that!

He was actually waiting for any crumbs to fall from her. Easier to manoeuvre on a close friend's ex than it is to find someone using his own energy. Also, that white knight aspect.. Setting himself up as some sort of benevolent saviour guy to manipulate people into unwittingly thinking he's decent, ugh.

He also remembers every detail of everything mentioned by acquaintances, ingratiates himself with people who should really be on the fringes of his life but then uses them as a topic of conversation to make himself look more normal, I guess. Building a false closeness which I didn't notice, but now makes me so anxious. It's because it's not the real him, it's this odd fawning construct.

In his case, he has narcissistic tendencies too. He likes to boost his public image by being so helpful, so amenable. He would go out at 10pm to fix someone's leaky tap, whilst promising the earth to us, his family, and never delivering on any of the promises.

I would be alert to this. Making friends gradually with each others social circle is good and normal, and shows you are compatible in a wider sense. But this weird targeted ultra helpful ultra attentiveness is so fucking fake and manipulative. They employ plausible deniability as well, making sure that your accusations look crazy, because just on the surface, whats the problem, right?? ...

Your friend is being odd. Your boyfriend is probably just being polite and mindful of joining in with your circle, he would have no idea. You can dump the ftiend and keep the bf if you prefer, it's allowed!

Oh God are you married to my husband. Always wanting to be seen as the saviour by everyone (except me). Classic extrovert.

Best one for me was refusing to take me to hospital (pretty serious appointment, inpatient etc) because his friend needed help with a fridge delivery. 200 miles away.

So i got the fucking bus and went through it all on my own while he chipped off to white knight his female friend. But hey at least he looked good to his mates!

Funnily my actual friends have mostly blocked him now because he's so utterly transparent and fake in his attempts to befriend them.

kalisimera · 09/01/2025 22:27

Sheneversaidthat · 09/01/2025 16:00

I had a very close friend that would do this and it drove me up the wall.
When I broke up with a long term boyfriend who cheated on me constantly she stayed in touch and went to the pub with him and his/my friends. When I introduced her to people I worked with or new friends I’d made, she’d suddenly be friends with them on Facebook. When I got married she invited my new in laws around for a bbq at her (shared accommodation/student digs) house.
I felt completely suffocated and like I couldn’t have a life outside of her.
One day it all came out, I told her how I felt about it and she was genuinely bemused, I think in her head that what was mine was automatically hers.
She took it on the chin(ish), and didn’t repeat the behaviour.
I would speak to her, she’s a friend and I’m assuming she doesn’t want to upset you or cause you pain.

I had some friends (a couple) who were exactly like this. They would meet friends of mine, through me, and as time went on, would invite them to bbqs etc excluding me! I dropped them in the end when I realised it was a one way street and that Over the course of 15 or more years, I had never met a single person through them. I called them out on it and asked how it was that they based their entire social life on connections they made through me and yet I never met a single person through them? I told them there were two possibilities... 1. That I was their only means of making friends or 2. They did have other friends but they didn't want me doing to them what they did to me so they made damned sure I never met them! I told them they lacked loyalty and integrity and that I was done with them. We're obviously not friends at all now and I have no regrets.

Pepla · 09/01/2025 22:34

Michellesbackbrace · 09/01/2025 20:12

Thanks for the advice but I’m good 😉

I don’t feel the need to schmooze and have surface level “friendships” with lots of different people. For a start I’m not a “corporate” type who has lots of contacts and acquaintances in order to further my career or see what they can do for me etc.

I have a group of friends from childhood, a group of mum friends, a large family and a few people of both sexes I get on well with and occasionally go for a drink with from my hobby group. And that is the perfect amount of friends for me personally. I’d find it weird and overstepping the mark if any of these female friends met my dp and then wanted to meet up with him one on one “for coffee and to help him further his career”. I don’t have superficial friendships and just because you are possibly happy to push yourself onto other peoples partners and have meet ups with them in the name of widening your friendship group doesn’t mean other people have to be comfortable with it. I know, I know - so very bourgeois!

Maybe you have friends who don’t like the fact you do this but don’t want to tell you you’re overbearing?

We have a poster here saying she finds the whole thing uncomfortable and that her friend is predatory/has form for doing this and getting uncomfortably close to partners of friends and going behind those friends backs to offer a shoulder to cry on to the men. In what world is that not fucking weird? If it’s normal in your world I’m glad I’m not in it!

It’s quite arrogant to presume that your way is the right way and anyone else just “needs to branch out a bit” 😂

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Dear Lord, unclench. I’m just pointing out that other people don’t just have eight female friends. You seem strangely fixated on people who do friendship differently to you only having ‘superficial’ friendships or being hard nosed corporate schmoozers. Other models are available. Some of them, shockingly, involving opposite-sex friendships where the new person you might become friends with is their girlfriend.

Poppyseeds79 · 09/01/2025 22:56

Just fob her off and don't share their numbers with each other. Easy enough to not do.

Nobodyknowsitall · 09/01/2025 23:42

Your 'friend's' behaviour is really odd and I would feel exactly the same as you.

healthybychristmas · 10/01/2025 00:25

I'd feel the same way as you. There's no way she doesn't know what she's doing. As for him, I would explain what she's like and if he still wanted to see her then I would end the relationship.

cardibach · 10/01/2025 11:17

tsmainsqueeze · 09/01/2025 19:02

I can't stand people like this she is sly and manipulative ,probably doesn't 'want' the men she makes a beeline for but enjoys the power she has.
I think her behaviour is quite stereotypical for woman like this towards men but what i find more uncomfortable is the way you describe the way she likes to 'befriend' others friends and family ,totally unacceptable because she is doing this to get one over on you ,to find out anything she can about you,she enjoys making you feel insecure.
Enigmatic my arse ,i bet that image is something she has mastered to lure in her prey, she knows exactly what she is doing.
She is not a friend ,a friend wouldn't dream of making someone feel the way you describe , ditch her asap ,tell your boyfriend this is what she does and if he does get swayed by her then he's not worth bothering with is he ?

This post is really unpleasant. Look at the language. “Women like this”, “lure her prey” - this assumption that a single woman wants use her ‘power’ to make other women feel ‘insecure’.
You’ve made all that up. I’ve been single for over quarter of a century and I’m really glad I haven’t met people like you, @tsmainsqueeze , who distrust other women so much and use such vile language about them.

PheasantPluckers · 10/01/2025 11:23

If he's that charmed by her, he's just not that into you let alone 'grossly' so.

What about the beautiful and enigmatic women he may come across that you have no idea about? If hi head is turnable, that the real issue. If you don't trust him, that's that's another issue.

PheasantPluckers · 10/01/2025 11:25

Andoutcomethewolves · 09/01/2025 21:53

Oh God are you married to my husband. Always wanting to be seen as the saviour by everyone (except me). Classic extrovert.

Best one for me was refusing to take me to hospital (pretty serious appointment, inpatient etc) because his friend needed help with a fridge delivery. 200 miles away.

So i got the fucking bus and went through it all on my own while he chipped off to white knight his female friend. But hey at least he looked good to his mates!

Funnily my actual friends have mostly blocked him now because he's so utterly transparent and fake in his attempts to befriend them.

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Bloody hell, I hopes he's a soon to be ex husband?

Rachmorr57 · 10/01/2025 11:30

This reply has been deleted

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fairycakes1234 · 10/01/2025 13:24

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Just stop. If you don't have advice stop commenting! Posts like these ruin mumsnet

Hoppingabout · 10/01/2025 17:53

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 09/01/2025 21:46

😄 no more like, 'girl, we love you, but you're sometimes overdoing it with our men, being a bit too friendly' - I dunno, maybe in a nicer way, but if this is truly a friend, she deserves the truth

Show quote history

Or how about "oi stop flirting with our boyfriends you weirdo! Otherwise we won't want you to meet them!". It's not complicated. And if she wants to stay friends then she will stop. It's quite easy to not flirt if you try.

cardibach · 10/01/2025 17:58

Hoppingabout · 10/01/2025 17:53

Or how about "oi stop flirting with our boyfriends you weirdo! Otherwise we won't want you to meet them!". It's not complicated. And if she wants to stay friends then she will stop. It's quite easy to not flirt if you try.

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Is she flirting?

Hoppingabout · 10/01/2025 18:05

cardibach · 10/01/2025 17:58

Is she flirting?

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I'd suggest from the OPs posts that she probably is. If her gut says she is and she's being honest then there's no reason to doubt her. Women can usually tell if other women are giving off vibes if they have any perception. And meeting up with her friends new boyfriend is, I'm sorry, weird. It's not the OP being overly possessive at all.

Luddite26 · 13/01/2025 06:43

I'd leave them to get on with it.

Twaddlepip · 13/01/2025 07:09

Pepla · 09/01/2025 11:54

I agree with @gannett — I don’t think I’d give this a second thought. People naturally make friends with people they meet through friends. I became good friends with a new friend’s husband as she was just about to start the process of divorcing him. Both friendships have survived, though I see more of him as she moved away.

😬

Widower2014 · 13/01/2025 07:26

Talk to him and be honest otherwise how would you feel if he just told you that you couldn't talk to somebody....

JollyZebra · 13/01/2025 07:30

If you're feeling uneasy about her behaviour that's understandable. I knew someone who had these tendencies - knew a lot of "important" people, could advise on this and that, pushed herself forward as "friend" to practically everyone you could mention. Looking at it from a distance, now, she seems pretty pathetic and insecure, but at the time I could not stand to be around her.
I would steer clear from her for a while.

NikNak321 · 13/01/2025 07:46

gannett · 09/01/2025 11:06

Hmm. So your friend doesn't actually make a play for your partners and doesn't lure them into infidelity. All she does is... make friends with her friends' partners, families and friends. That's completely normal. That's how you grow and expand a social circle. I am not sure why it makes you uncomfortable? She's obviously very good at socialising and making connections, and puts in the effort to keep them - more people should be like her. Your partners, friends and family members are not your possessions; if they don't wish to be friends with her, they can make that decision for themselves.

Actually I do have a guess as to why you're uncomfortable. If your friend was a plain Jane and not "beautiful and enigmatic" I imagine you wouldn't think twice about her getting along with other people. As it is I feel sorry for her, because despite her effort into forming a strong social circle, it seems like a lot of her supposed friends are more like frenemies who bitch about her behind her back.

If I was your new boyfriend I would a) be annoyed that you're blocking a potentially good professional contact, which is super important when you're looking for a new job; b) offended that you thought I was the type who'd cheat on you the minute another woman was friendly to me; c) look askance at what you really think of someone you're supposed to be friends with.

Exactly this 👆👆👆. Her friend cannot help being attractive and the kind of person people gravitate to. From what you say she has done absolutely nothing wrong. If your bf befriends her and ends up liking her better than you or strays tbh now that I am older I view that as a gift in disguise. It's better to root out a dodgy bf sooner rather than later in my view...then you can invest your self in relationships more deserving.

I think it would be wrong to step in the way of what seems like an innocent birth of an acquaintance for the sake of your own insecurities. If someone is ultimately going to stray; you can't prevent it through control. You only delay the inevitable and poison what could be a fruitful relationship...both with her & him 👌