13 years, mortgage, 2 kids... No proposal!?

[Faith27]

Hi, super new here, just after some advice..
Been with my partner 13 years in April. We have 2 wonderful children. It's never been a secret that I want to get married. He's always said he'd "never say never" or "yh one day* ..
3 years ago a random, chilled, no pressure, marriage discussion happened. The end response from him... "I don't want to get married, I don't see the point in it!" ... Would anyone else be furious??? :(
We are off to Paris for our 13 years together anniversary in April.. which I planned! He never says he loves me first, never a cuddle or a kiss unless I get one from him myself. But he can be kind and makes me a cup of tea every morning and helps with chores, he pays all the bills. But he's the most unromantic person ever! :( he says he's happy when I've asked. I Just feel lost and lonely and wish for the ultimate romantic gesture from him. What would you do?.
Will he ever propose?? Xx

There it is. You are in a precarious situation. You need to tell him to get married for legal reasons because it seems he is keeping all the money while you burn through your savings while providing childcare for him. If you split up you would have nothing. And what are you going to do when you retire?

Offer him a Civil Partnership if he doesn't want to get married. If he doesn't, then it seems like he just wants to hold on to all his money and not let you have any.

As for romantic gestures, he's never going to do any of that so stop setting yourself up for disappointment by trying to live the Disney princess life. It just won't happen.

Yes this. You are focusing on him being romantic when actually he has not supported you financially at all while you raised his kids. Do you know that he was supposed to use his money for all this, not yours?

You deserve better and I think theres a little intuitive voice telling you so.Big pants on,you have children together and you feel that you and they, need the legal and emotional security that marriage would give you and them.Married or not,you could financially cripple him so whats his worry.Gates swing both ways . 😘

Stop torturing yourself. He is definitely not going to propose in Paris. What are you going to do about finances? So if he dies his pension dies with him? How is that any good for your children?

I’ve seen this with friends who stick in unloving relationships because they think being with someone who doesn’t respect you is better than being alone. I know there is this urge to follow through with something that we’ve already emotionally invested in heavily, even when there is no indication of change and deep down we know giving up is clearly better for us long term.

Does he routinely (I mean most days) demonstrate respect and appreciation of you and show affection and support? If it’s not 4/4 then you are really not showing the right relationship set up to your kids…

In fairness to the OP - she did not know her partner wasn’t interested in marriage until she’d had two children and was invested financially. Until 3 years ago he’d lead her to believe that marriage was on the table and been vague about it.

The issue that I would have a problem with is his lack of transparency and not being open with you. He’s then changed his views and not really considered how you feel. You should be having deep and meaningful and he should care whether you’re happy and feeling loved and secure.

I think for a woman, and I’m going to be told off but I think it’s more important. Society has evolved but I think the reality is that your relationship is respected more. You are respected more by women that are a bit backward and plenty of them exist. Even now there’s more traditional values that conservative sections of society respect and uphold and I think being married does matter.
There are some women who see you as not having a high self esteem or making judgments about how your partner views you. It doesn’t matter but I’d prefer to be protected from that and have a partner that wants to let people know that my sacrifice of youth, life, time & having his children is valued.

We are all different, after kids and a house it’s surely not about the romance for you.

If he ever dies or is in hospital, being able to call yourself his wife, is a cultural thing and people automatically click and realise the significance. Sometimes it’s handy not to have to explain your significance, “oh my partner that I live with that makes me tea in the morning and we have kids - is in emergency can I be let in”.

I think you need a heart to heart discussion
and think about what it means to you. This is your life too and you are raising his children, paying a mortgage with him, giving him days and time you will never ever get back. Ask for what you want and explain the significance.

It doesn’t sound like you’re standing up for what you want.

Cups of tea in bed is really nice, but you’re entitled to more.

You need to start putting yourself 1st in this situation. Your with him 13 year's and have 2 children. Along with this one of your children is disabled. You had his children, paid for everything during your maternity leave and now have very little savings or pension.

I would tell him that you have decided to go back to work full-time and he will be doing half of the drop off and collection's for his 2 children. He will also be brining your disabled child to half of their appointments. Also he can figure out who mind his kids this summer.
Tell him with your higher income your not paying any more than you are now towards the bills and his childcare will now cost him x amount per month.
Be very honest with him that unfortunately he has left you with no other choice but to build up your own savings and pension because he won't marry you.
I would also tell him that you arranged a life insurance medical for him because if he drops dead you want some money there to bring up his kid's.

I stop doing his washing. I stop being at home every night or all weekends. He has 2 kids it about time he started to pull his weight without you being their.
I would give the school, doctors, services your disabled child uses his work and mobile numbers so he can take all these calls. I stop doing the wife work and let him see that his actions have consequences.

Start paying the £400 into your own private pension. If he won’t protect your future you need to.
Hes stringing you along . 50 % of a house isn’t going to cut it if he decides to move on to another woman , you have your children to think of too

So you supported him until he got the promotion? Hardly fair is it? You took a financial hit whilst pregnant with his children. Surely as a unit/family its one pot?

Surely if you own your house 50:50 his half will go to his legal NOK if he dies intestate? You need to clarify that with a solicitor asap.
Who is the beneficiary of life insurance and pensions?
MN is full of threads started by women with children left high and dry when a partner ( not legal spouse) dies intestate.

I don’t understand women who will go through with getting pregnant without any commitment of marriage. Then, fund their own maternity. Then, work part time and facilitating his career. Mind boggles.

This story is so common, yet we rarely hear about a man facilitating a woman’s career. Women need to wise up.

I get hate for this but stories like this are no common, which is why I don’t recommend women going part time or being a SAHM. Because ultimately the man career flourishes. This story is so common.

Sorry I missed the civil partnership bit. Get that done asap!

Sorry OP, but I think this was more your wishful thinking in the past, as what he was saying before I would have interpreted as 99% a no even at the time.

I don’t agree he’s strung you along. Had you pushed harder at the time as you have more recently, I don’t think the answer would be any different to the one you now have.

Now so long has passed you have your home, 2 DC and are settled into domestic life I really can’t see a proposal in Paris, sorry.

I think you could possibly look into financial benefits of marriage, such as tax breaks as he is more of a practical person, brining you morning cup of tea and not one for romantic gestures.

A lot of the romantic stuff has been highlighted on MN to be by narcissistic and coercive, controlling partners, (love bombing red flags 🚩).

If he is a genuinely loving and supportive partner and shows you that in practical ways, you need to decide whether that’s more important (it seems for your updates it is).

He never says he loves me first, never a cuddle or a kiss unless I get one from him myself

To me this sounds like someone who takes you for granted. Only replying with an I love you if he hears it from you first

Someone he pays little attention to

If you take out the response to the I love you’s and kisses that you instigate. Over all is there much of a difference between how he treats a work colleague or friend and how he treats you.

Like everyone else has said he isn’t going to marry you.

Not whilst the boat isn’t rocking. He sees no reason to and he knows you would be screwed without him.

If you want the romantic gestures and to feel loved by someone who will kiss you out of spontaneity and not as a repayment, then you need to leave and plan a different life

I wouldn’t be planning or spending money on holidays to Paris. I would be putting as much away as possible and looking at what you need to add to the 50% equity in the house to buy a place of your own.

It might be hard to hear what someone is telling you by their actions when most of your life is ok but given the way these things usually go, this isn’t a life long relationship. He is putting money away for his future whilst leaving you to struggle.

Once dc no longer need parents to look after them and are off to university then he will have no use for you. Your job is done and he will want you to move on.

Remember unless he is paying money into your account outside of bill payments then he is only working hard for himself

Why were you funding your maternity leave and not him

Look very carefully at where yours and his money is actually going because the balance is completely off

The cups of tea and the kindness are the romantic notes. Ask him to marry you. Not in a romantic way but in an honest, this is what I want for me and my family way.

Why aren't you contributing to the family finances? You say your partner pays all the bills.
Sounds like he has more inportant things to worry about like keeping a roof over his children and your heads.
How lucky you are to have all this done for you. Getting by and being able to pay your monthly bills is a real worry for most of us.

I completely understand where you are coming from, but part of me thinks you are wanting him to be someone he isn't with regards to romantic shows of affection, to some people it just doesn't come naturally, my DH being one of them! As long as he is showing you he loves and respects you, I think romantic gestures are not a hill to die on.

I think the marriage thing is a little odd, he says he doesn't want to because he doesn't see the point.. why is that though? I felt like that at one time but there is a lot of point of being married from a legal standpoint, once you are tied together through houses and children, it seems a little odd to say you don't want to get married.. because you are already 90% there, what difference does a piece of paper make?

It sounds like he sees it as a big faff, something he wouldn't enjoy the process of, and he obviously doesn't see any benefit to it, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't want to get married simple and quickly and without fanfare.. the bottom line is it is important to YOU, so he should want you to be happy and should at the very least be open to discuss it.

You are providing all wife services free of charge. Why on earth would he marry you?

It does very much sound like he's protecting his money, as you'd be entitled to half his pension, savings etc if you were married and split, Vs just the house if you split not married.

If you proposed do you think he would say yes? If you do, then just do it

I would cancel Paris.

I think that ship has sailed. If you’d said you wouldn’t have his kids until after marriage, it would have probably happened back then. As it is now, there’s no benefit to marrying you at this point.

She tried that and he walked out.