13 years, mortgage, 2 kids... No proposal!?

[Faith27]

Hi, super new here, just after some advice..
Been with my partner 13 years in April. We have 2 wonderful children. It's never been a secret that I want to get married. He's always said he'd "never say never" or "yh one day* ..
3 years ago a random, chilled, no pressure, marriage discussion happened. The end response from him... "I don't want to get married, I don't see the point in it!" ... Would anyone else be furious??? :(
We are off to Paris for our 13 years together anniversary in April.. which I planned! He never says he loves me first, never a cuddle or a kiss unless I get one from him myself. But he can be kind and makes me a cup of tea every morning and helps with chores, he pays all the bills. But he's the most unromantic person ever! :( he says he's happy when I've asked. I Just feel lost and lonely and wish for the ultimate romantic gesture from him. What would you do?.
Will he ever propose?? Xx

More fool you having the kids first. He has what he wants, you're the lower earner , why would he marry you now?

Please put a Paris marriage proposal out of your head. You'll spend the whole trip in beautiful and romantic places wondering if he's going to pop the question and feel increasingly miserable as the trip draws to an end and he's said nothing. There's such a tiny chance of him doing this, it's just not worth ruining the trip over. Enjoy Paris and try and improve your earnings so you are not in quite such a vulnerable position. It is a good thing you own the house 50/50 at least. Hopefully some equity has built up over time so you won't be totally high and dry if you were to split.

[Double post]

Well, no he didn't. He told you years ago marriage wasn't a priority you just didn't listen.

God, why do so many women get themselves in to such mess like this. Tine and time again.

ETA: OP's updates just get worse. 😑
OP, this man is never going to marry you. He really isn't. Wishful thinking doesn't get you anywhere. Shift your focus on to yourself now and get building your own resources.

You’re potentially Finncially screwed if he leaves or dies. No pension too…. You needs to get married, if only in secret

Sorry but he is not proposing in Paris. He's told you clearly he isnt marrying

If he leaves or dies you are totally screwed. You need a job paying more than 5k and you need to sort out a pension asap.

Given its all "going to the kids " I'd recheck your mortgage as im not convinced the house will be yours. Even if he leaves his equity to you -will you be able to pay the mortgage?

Well, she wrote it on a board on April fools day!

Instead of hoping for a proposal in Paris, tell him you are booking a registry office for March, Paris can be your honeymoon.

@endofthelinefinally We hold the house as joint tenants so it would pass to me, but it’s worth circa £2m so the IHT would be crippling (for either of us), hence he has agreed to a civil partnership.

He bought our house and I sold mine and kept the proceeds in savings so I’ve covered myself as much as I can in my situation but you can’t easily avoid IHT.

Everyone’s situation will be different, but if OP’s DP objects to marriage I’d suggest she pushes for a civil partnership. It’s not very romantic but it will protect them both, and their children.

Marriage or civil partnership is the only way you can minimise IHT. I’d have felt pretty insulted by being offered a civil partnership, it feels second class to me.

OP please listen to what people are telling you here.

He isn’t proposing in Paris. He isn’t proposing anywhere. He doesn’t want to marry you, he has told you that he doesn’t, and from what you’ve said about your financials it’s because he doesn’t want you- the mother of his children- to have access to his money.

Not only does he not want to marry you, I’d question whether he even loves you. Sorry.

All well and good until life throws you something which prevents both parties working full time. I fully expected to continue my career FT but like OP our family is affected by disability. Like OP this has led to me having significantly lower earnings than the father of my kids. Unlike the OP I am married to a good man and we have shared finances so we shoulder this cost together. If it had been DH who took the reduced hours and salary the same would have been true.

Sickness, disability, death, redundancy are unpredictable and in a respectful, loving relationship with dependents involved I think the risk should be shared. Doesn't mean big expensive weddings are necessary. Cheap registry office wedding or civil partnership will do just fine. Perhaps similar protections can be set up via wills etc (remembering that these can be changed unilaterally) but it seems the OP's 'D'P is not minded to protect her anyway.

You need better communication. Tell him that although he sees no point in marriage, you find yourself increasingly unhappy because you seem to be the only one celebrating your relationship and you DO want marriage. There needs to be an in-depth discussion. When it comes to legal matters, you're not 'entitled' to anything ... people mistakenly think that 'common law wife' means they would have equal benefits as a wife but that's not the case. My friend was living with her 'common law' husband for 25 years (2 kids together - young teenagers) and had to walk away with nothing because, from a legal perspective she wasn't entitled. Also, what happens if there is a medical emergency - would you be able to make the best decisions for him on his behalf if he couldn't?

Legal issues aside, I am not sue that the marriage is going to actually give you what you want. You want a partner who is loving, spontaneous and romantic. Having one proposal or one big wedding day isn't actually going to give you what you want. A piece of legal paper is not going to change his personality or how he treats you. So I am not sure that you are focusing on the right thing here.
You have an established relationship and you are not going to leave him. So you need to figure out how to have a conversation about changing the dynamic of the relationship you do have rather than hope that it will fundamentally change with the marriage.

Why are you with him? He’s using you for free childcare while he works and builds up a nice bank of money. If he leaves you’re left with nothing?

Sorry but you won’t. Half of it will be your kids house.
Youll have to sell it and give them the money. And depending on how much it is worth it may also be liable for tax as you’re not married. You need to see a solicitor and get wills.

WTAF? You spent all your lesser savings to find your maternity leave? He didn't contribute?

You're focusing on the wrong thing here. It's legal financial security that you and your children need most, not romance.

Try having a joint discussion, you can call it a planning review, around what would happen if either of you died suddenly. It is just as important that he realises what he would need to cover, if you are no longer around.
Would the mortgage be paid off in full? Would there be a lump sum to cover childcare, housekeeping/cleaner etc. or cover what you currently contribute in terms of bills?
Have you both got wills (I know these can be changed, but it is a start)?
What provisions have been made for the children, should you both die in a car crash - remember that if you both die at the same time, the younger of you will be deemed to have died last - this could be pivotal if you are younger than he is.
Have guardians been nominated? What funds would be available to cover the children's upbringing, housing etc.?
OP, from what you have written, it looks like your OH will have to stump up at least GBP 1500 to 2000 a month to "replace" your contributions.
Might give you both food for thought.

When you say the house is 50/50 do you mean you are tenants in common each with a half share in the house or that you are joint tenants, ie the house passes to the surviving owner in the event of his/your death?

Totally

Even if he's got excellent reasons for not marrying, OP, there's absolutely no good reason not to support his partner and mother of his children while she's on mat leave. I'd reconsider the relationship based on that alone.

He is not going to marry you. Make your decisions based on that understanding. At the very least don't be afraid of securing your financial position as much as possible because God knows he's not worried about putting himself first no matter what's happening with you.

I'm staying hopeful for a Paris proposal
@Faith27 I'm sorry, but this is not going to happen and I'm sure that, deep down, you know this. Time for some realistic thinking

Anyway, I'll say what I always say on these (very regular) threads -

(1) no one should marry unless they want to
(2) don't give ultimatums. I wouldn't want to marry someone who had to be dragged up the aisle kicking and screaming
(3) but it is reasonable to say that you are unsure if the relationship now meets your needs and you are thinking of moving on
(4) if he wants to keep you, he knows what he needs to do
(5) don't make empty threats
(6) if you decide to continue in the relationship unmarried, you need to plan your finances accordingly e.g. increase your working hours and start making provision for your own pension

And, too late for OP, but might be helpful for others – if marriage is really important to you, hold out for it before buying a house, having children etc. As my grandmother used to say "why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?"

How did I miss this? He doesn't even have any life insurance with you as the beneficiary?

How does he expect you to provide a roof over your children's heads , feed them and bring them up with no liquid funds?

And yes, please say whether you're joint tenants or tenants in common. If your children own the other half if he dies, you have no security.

Practically everyone on here is saying the same thing. Sorry but he doesn't love you enough to risk his personal financial security on you.

He's not romantic. Some people aren't.

But to willingly let the mother of his children use all her savings on them instead of stumping up his half for his children, is plain selfish.

It was you who supported his ambition. It's was your that has held the fort for years. Unappreciated.

A tenner says you booked and paid for Paris. He's not that interested.
Can you change it to a family beach holiday fur the kids to enjoy?
He's not going to propose, you're kidding yourself.

You need to do as others have said. Get your ducks in a row. Ask him to replenish his half of the money you spent on his children, as it was savings.
Stop allowing yourself to be used as free sex, houses keeper, childcarer, family organiser, holiday arranger and payer.

You're being used. He's got it cushty. You haven't.

And what @NeedToChangeName said