Page 8 | 13 years, mortgage, 2 kids... No proposal!?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/01/2025 00:09

PhaedraStar · 08/01/2025 23:53

Depends if there's a survivorship provision or if each own their own half.

The situation OP is in only works if each partner is financially independent and doesn't need the other's support, either earns or has enough private income to live on and their own pension pot. Those couples eventually get married for tax reasons.

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Given this man hasn't paid into her pension whilst she's been raising their joint children, and he let her drain her savings buying things for their joint babies, I highly doubt there is any survivorship provision in place.

@Faith27 may I hazard a guess that you both didn't draw up Wills leaving your shares of the house to each other when you purchase it together? Have either of you made a Will? Do you know what each other's Wills state?

shuggles · 09/01/2025 00:10

@Faith27 "I don't want to get married, I don't see the point in it!" ... Would anyone else be furious??? :(

He may not be aware of the tax breaks or benefits of being married, and is probably far more concerned about the collosal wedding bill. The average cost of a wedding is now a colossal £20k, which is close to what an average person earns a year after tax. I wouldn't want a wedding either just for that reason.

Would you be happy with a low cost, informal wedding, and have you said this to him?

He never says he loves me first, never a cuddle or a kiss unless I get one from him myself. But he can be kind and makes me a cup of tea every morning and helps with chores, he pays all the bills.

That's understandable. Clearly he is a caring man who appreciates you, otherwise he would not make you tea and help with chores. The reason for not initiating a cuddle or a kiss is because he does not want to be creepy. I wouldn't initiate a cuddle or a kiss with a woman for that reason.

DogPawsMud · 09/01/2025 00:11

This is such a depressing read.
OP you need to sort out your financial security as a matter of urgency.
Did you ever question why you were using your savings to fund your mat leave? It sounds like you are not a team.

PhaedraStar · 09/01/2025 00:13

StormingNorman · 08/01/2025 23:31

Not getting the inheritance allowance is a very good reason for passing his half of the house direct to the DC. Then they only pay one lot of IHT on it.

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Er, if it goes to OP they pay nothing at that stage.

justasking111 · 09/01/2025 00:15

My friend was anti marriage until the legal side was explained to her.

Things like serious health issues.
Things like leaving each other anything financial.

Apparently their parents had more rights to make the decisions.

It may have changed since then. You really need legal advice.

Ponderingwindow · 09/01/2025 00:18

Short of building a Time Machine and refusing to have children without marriage…

I would go back to work full time
i would expect him to do half of all drop offs and pickups. Half of all holidays and sick days.
i would expect him to pay for the required child care in proportion to our respective incomes.
i would not contribute more to the household from my increased earnings until my pension was caught up to an appropriate level.

I wouldn’t break up the family, but I would stop putting my trust in someone who wasn’t willing to protect me financially and prioritize protecting myself and my
children.

Codlingmoths · 09/01/2025 00:19

I would want to go to Paris without him.

Codlingmoths · 09/01/2025 00:28

Ponderingwindow · 09/01/2025 00:18

Short of building a Time Machine and refusing to have children without marriage…

I would go back to work full time
i would expect him to do half of all drop offs and pickups. Half of all holidays and sick days.
i would expect him to pay for the required child care in proportion to our respective incomes.
i would not contribute more to the household from my increased earnings until my pension was caught up to an appropriate level.

I wouldn’t break up the family, but I would stop putting my trust in someone who wasn’t willing to protect me financially and prioritize protecting myself and my
children.

This. You aren’t in his will. You can’t count on him. You have no pension or not much because you’ve cared flr the house and family. Half a house is not enough. He says you can’t have marriage, time for him to understand the alternative is he is responsible for more at home and with his kids every day for the rest of his life, go to Paris on your own and explain you will use to time to plan upping your career since he isnt leaving you anything and he can use the time while looking after his kids to take notes of everything that needs doing when you’re the sole carer. Do not accept this.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 09/01/2025 00:35

JHound · 09/01/2025 00:02

I mean the blame is on both.

Him for lying, her for not holding her boundaries.

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No, there's no blame on him as he's happy.
The OP is the author of her own misery here.

itsmabeline · 09/01/2025 00:40

He's extremely unlikely to propose as he's told you he doesn't want to get married. And you've accepted it, otherwise it wouldn't have been a chilled conversation about marriage it would have become a heated conversation or an ultimatum.

You don't have to stay with someone who doesn't make you happy. You also need to be honest with him about how unhappy this makes you. Your next discussion about marriage shouldn't be so chilled.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/01/2025 00:41

Faith27 · 08/01/2025 22:23

Because mat leave pay is crappy and I had bills to pay ect, things to buy the baby.

I love him, I'm making him sound terrible he really isn't. I still get a butterfly now and then. But all the romance comes from me which makes me sad. I was to get married, he doesn't. My eldest child has a disability so I would never leave, I couldn't afford to leave either.

He is terrible. He is leaving the mother of his disabled child financially vulnerable. This is disgraceful. If he doesn’t want the big wedding, there are other avenues open to protecting you civil partnership, marrying without any fuss etc.

itsmabeline · 09/01/2025 00:45

Faith27 · 08/01/2025 22:36

He'd say no! 1000% he would say no. I wrote it in the notice board on April fools day and he just walked out.
I really want to get married but me asking him feels like I'm begging because I do really want it and he knows that.

"I do really want it and he knows that"

Wow. Ok can I change my answer?

LTB

itsmabeline · 09/01/2025 00:46

Start making large withdrawals from the savings accounts. Lawyer up.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/01/2025 00:48

Do you have money? Both have wills?

JHound · 09/01/2025 00:49

Snoopdoggydog123 · 09/01/2025 00:35

No, there's no blame on him as he's happy.
The OP is the author of her own misery here.

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There is blame on him.

Him being happy does not mean there is no blame. He chose to lie to a loved one. That is his blame right there and his contribution towards the situation.

If he had been honest and upfront from the start then he would have no blame.

Mrsbloggz · 09/01/2025 00:52

He's a low down piece of shit.
You've birthed his children with all the sacrifices that involved. You've taken a hit to your life/earning potential/independance. You took care of all that thus freeing him up to focus on his earning potential & pension contributions.
You commited yourself to him, believing (stupidly & naively- sorry but you have been) that in return he intended to marry you. But he was just stringing you along, like a game to see how much of your life force he could sap before you cottoned on.

dcbgr · 09/01/2025 00:52

Sounds like a man looking for an easy life. But not a bad man and you can likely be good together. Give him an ultimatum - a very low-cost, low-key marriage or you are out and his life is going to get extremely complicated and unpleasant. I think you have about a two-to-one chance he will marry you. You have nothing to lose.

ChangeyerNameyer · 09/01/2025 00:53

If he was going to propose, you’d already be married. He does not want to marry you. Maybe he never wants to marry anyone, or maybe he is keeping that door open for the love of his life to walk through. No one online can guess which of those is more likely.

Mrsbloggz · 09/01/2025 00:55

He may not be aware of the tax breaks or benefits of being married
@shuggles
ah get away with you!! You know he spends all his time on a red pill forum ranting about 'divorce rape'

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/01/2025 00:56

TheListThatNeverEnds · 08/01/2025 23:13

I think you are being unreasonable to expect someone who hasn't been romantic for 13 years to suddenly change. He's not that person and most likely never will be. And to be honest, those saying get married so you'll be financially secure are even less romantic than him 😂
20 years, 2 kids, and mortgage paid off here- no proposal and no expectation of one as we have discussed marriage many times and understand (and accept) each other's positions on it. We have got wills, POA, and pensions/death in service sorted however.

I understand disappointment that he has changed his mind on "maybe" getting married one day, but I think to be fuming or feel he misled you is a bit strong personally.

You’ve sorted wills out and provided for one another. Hardly the same position as op at all. That’s almost like being married and none of that is romantic in the traditional sense. It’s loving, caring, the epitome of love really. Op’s ‘partner’ otoh loves money too much to do this. What’s his is his and what’s op’s is also his.

PerambulationFrustration · 09/01/2025 00:57

He's never going to marry you so start sorting yourself out financially to protect yourself.
Start adding more into your pension and into savings. It's fair that he increases his contribution for family expenses as he's already gained a huge financial advantage due to utilising your finances.
If he's a decent man, he'll do this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/01/2025 01:00

Tbh I would tell him you’re going to stop contributing the £400 and tell him you’re protecting yourself in case he dies as he hasn’t provided for you and you won’t be able to afford to look after your disabled child.

itsmabeline · 09/01/2025 01:01

PerambulationFrustration · 09/01/2025 00:57

He's never going to marry you so start sorting yourself out financially to protect yourself.
Start adding more into your pension and into savings. It's fair that he increases his contribution for family expenses as he's already gained a huge financial advantage due to utilising your finances.
If he's a decent man, he'll do this.

He also needs to pay back everything you paid for your bills during maternity leave.

You took the physical risk AND the financial burden?? wtaf.

user593 · 09/01/2025 01:01

I am in a similar position, 10 years+ relationship, two DC, partner who doesn’t want to marry, who is also in a better financial position than me. We own our near mortgage free house 50/50 (joint tenants) so it goes to me if he dies and vice-versa, and I get 50% if he leaves me or if I want to leave, but the thing that worries me is the IHT as we’re not married, so DP has agreed to a civil partnership. I would really try and set aside the romantic aspect and focus in on the practicalities.

MsAmerica · 09/01/2025 01:12

Faith27 · 08/01/2025 22:00

Hi, super new here, just after some advice..
Been with my partner 13 years in April. We have 2 wonderful children. It's never been a secret that I want to get married. He's always said he'd "never say never" or "yh one day* ..
3 years ago a random, chilled, no pressure, marriage discussion happened. The end response from him... "I don't want to get married, I don't see the point in it!" ... Would anyone else be furious??? :(
We are off to Paris for our 13 years together anniversary in April.. which I planned! He never says he loves me first, never a cuddle or a kiss unless I get one from him myself. But he can be kind and makes me a cup of tea every morning and helps with chores, he pays all the bills. But he's the most unromantic person ever! :( he says he's happy when I've asked. I Just feel lost and lonely and wish for the ultimate romantic gesture from him. What would you do?.
Will he ever propose?? Xx

Well, there are entire books written on how to get men to propose. Maybe you should study up.

And, by the way, you can just pay someone to help with chores and bring you a cup of tea.

Seems to me the question should be not to us of "Would anyone else be furious?" but to you, of "If he clearly said he's not interested, and you get none of the emotional benefits you might expect, why are you still there?"

Taking you at your word, my guess is, no, he would never propose - and you will probably continue to feel lonely. As to what I would do - if I definitely wanted marriage, I would not have children with someone who was not of the same mind. Sorry.