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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Let down by sister

103 replies

Cosmos1982 · 08/01/2025 14:19

Im so upset and disappointed.
My sister is older than me and we have kids at either end of the scale- hers leaving/left home, mine primary/baby. She has never had a night away from her kids, she refused to start work at the contracted time in the mornings because she wanted to see her DS off to sch (at the time he was 17), so many examples like this. They come first before everything and everyone.

We live on other sides of the country and it’s hard to see each other (maybe once a year we manage).
We’ve been trying to plan to have a holiday with other family. Where we settled on is only about an hour or so away from my sister and so I texted her all enthusiastic saying that it would be amazing to see them at the same time, they could come and stay for a few nights, or do some day trips. It’s also around a big birthday of hers.
She replied saying it’s not possible for her to commit. DS has exams and she’s not the sort of person to celebrate birthdays. She thanked me for thinking of her, she did she’d try and work out a way of seeing us but can’t commit.
Im just so upset by this and at the end of my tether. Her DS will be 18 ffs. AIBU to think she could take a day trip to see us, not ‘try to’ but actually ‘yes that would be brill’?! Or even, shock horror, have a night away? It feels like she’s totally unbothered about seeing us. The thing is,
this isn’t the first time she has disappointed me with this kind of thing and it feels like every time I put myself out there, even when I’ve really needed her support, it’s not enough to leave her kids for even a day. Am I reacting too badly?

OP posts:
CornishPorsche · 08/01/2025 14:21

You already knew she wouldn't do this though, let's get realistic. Why would it change for this one event?

You need to manage your expectations of someone you already know won't participate. She's not interested in anyone else. That's her choice. You don't have to include her in things anymore!

Bodybutterblusher · 08/01/2025 14:25

If he's 18, these exams are A Levels. The whole house walks on egg shells at such a time. Everything is kept calm and predictable. Many mothers wouldn't agree to wider family descending at that moment and would want to be around to provide last minute prep support, debrief support, square meals and early nights. It's a really stressful time for mothers as they struggle to maintain the appearance of being in a zen like state and it sounds like her children require a lot of her at the best of times. She probably doesn't have the bandwidth. I think you're being quite thoughtless.

username299 · 08/01/2025 14:25

My aunt refused to go on holiday in case her children needed her. They were in their 50s. For some people their children are their whole life and they can't bear to miss a second away from them.

She was never going to say yes.

Billybagpuss · 08/01/2025 14:26

YABU you know the sort of person she is, she’s helicopter parented right up to 17. No way on earth was she going to disrupt a schedule in the run up to A levels.

she will find herself very lonely in a couple of years time though when she has empty nest syndrome and will possibly reflect on her choices

StormingNorman · 08/01/2025 14:27

She sounds completely batshit to be honest. Try not to be upset; she stopped being a person in her own right a long time ago. She’s just mum now.

ChinUpDandy · 08/01/2025 14:28

Not sure of the timings but it's completely normal not to want to go on holiday in the run up to A levels.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 08/01/2025 14:29

username299 · 08/01/2025 14:25

My aunt refused to go on holiday in case her children needed her. They were in their 50s. For some people their children are their whole life and they can't bear to miss a second away from them.

She was never going to say yes.

Edited

I also know someone like this. She's now doing the same with her grandchildren - in that she can't go away in case she might miss them doing something cute. They are 4, 5 and 7. Her life revolves around having all the family round and then complaining about all the 'hard work' she has to do.

It's not always a healthy way to live. OP, your sister might find time for you when her children head off to Uni...

HeeleighWay · 08/01/2025 14:31

I dont think you can just give dates and expect her to commit! Why don't you travel the further hour to see her?

myplace · 08/01/2025 14:31

When your dc are doing A levels you may feel differently. It’s a big focus. Also it sounds as though you don’t know much detail about their lives. There could be needs or sensitivities you are unaware of.

lightsandtunnels · 08/01/2025 14:32

I'm with you on this OP in terms of the family trip away and wanting to spend time away together. Clearly your sister feels differently.

Sounds like she will never change nor does she want to and you will never change her. The only thing you can do to deal with this, is realign your own expectations around your sister. You really can't expect other people (even your siblings) to behave in a way that you thing is right (even if your way is considered the norm.) Tricky but essential for you I think to open up to this and accept it.

Leave her be and enjoy your DCs and the rest of your family OP.

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 08/01/2025 14:34

Perhaps she has birthday plans? Perhaps she can't afford it? Perhaps she has a holiday of her own scheduled and can't spare the annual leave/money? Perhaps her DC need her more than you realise? Perhaps she had enough of the primary age stage with her own kids and doesn't want to revisit it with your kids? Perhaps she doesn't want to see your other family member? Perhaps she doesn't want to see you?

It's nice of you to ask, but she is free to decline and her message sounds perfectly polite. If the only acceptable response was for her to drop everything and do what you want her to do then yes, you probably are being unreasonable.

Turophilic · 08/01/2025 14:35

We’ve been trying to plan to have a holiday with other family

Do you mean you and she have been trying to plan a holiday where you see each other? Or that you and your partner have been planning a holiday that you hope extended family will join?

If the latter, YABU. It’s not her holiday, it’s not something she was interested in doing, and spending time as an extended family clearly isn’t her idea of a good time. The cousins are sufficiently far apart in age that they won’t play together. Her son will be also doing his A-levels, which is a tense time.

It sounds like you have very different expectations of a sister relationship. It happens. Try not to take it personally and accept that a more low-level works better for her.

Brombat · 08/01/2025 14:35

But you're not going to see her, you've suggested she comes to see you on your holiday.

It was an invitation, she declined.

HPandthelastwish · 08/01/2025 14:37

Is this break actually in the exam period? I wouldn't be doing that over May-June for GCSE or A level exam period either.

SilenceInside · 08/01/2025 14:38

If her eldest is doing his a level exams that week I can absolutely see why she couldn't commit to coming away for day trips or staying over.

I can understand feeling disappointed that you might not be able to meet up, but let down seems like a big reaction. She even said she'd try and arrange something. So she didn't just say no to you. It doesn't sound like you have a very close relationship anyway, so why don't you just focus on who is coming on this holiday and enjoy that.

Original poster
Cosmos1982 · 08/01/2025 14:39

Yes, I hear you on the exam front. I see how I’ve been niave on that front, just thought she might actually consider a day trip an hour away to see us, when we never see each other.
I see how the timing isn’t great.
I just want to see my sister that’s all. As I said, I’ve been let down by her in the past but I just want a sister relationship. It’s obvious that isn’t a priority for her in the same way though, and it hurts!

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/01/2025 14:43

In general you might have a point.

In this specific instance, it’s in the middle of his A Levels! No parents worth their salt are going to go away and leave their child in the middle of A Levels, esp not both of them, and not a parent the teen is used to having around.

Plan it when the A Levels are finished!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/01/2025 14:44

Cosmos1982 · 08/01/2025 14:39

Yes, I hear you on the exam front. I see how I’ve been niave on that front, just thought she might actually consider a day trip an hour away to see us, when we never see each other.
I see how the timing isn’t great.
I just want to see my sister that’s all. As I said, I’ve been let down by her in the past but I just want a sister relationship. It’s obvious that isn’t a priority for her in the same way though, and it hurts!

Edited

It’ll be the fact yours are so tiny that has led you into this mistake - it’s hard to think of the needs of older teens when yours are babies and your thinking in terms of immediate physical need.

Ex posted with you above.

LindorDoubleChoc · 08/01/2025 14:46

Yes, that's really quite hurtful OP. I would be upset too. I don't see much of my siblings but if they couldn't even be bothered on an occasion like that I'd be really sad!. Perhaps it's time for you to be honest with her and ask her why she's like this? I think you deserve to hear the truth, even if it might be unpalatable. At least, if you find out she has no time for you, you can put it behind you and stop flogging a dead horse. Sorry it's so upsetting Flowers

Londonrach1 · 08/01/2025 14:47

A levels exams are vvvv important.

HPandthelastwish · 08/01/2025 14:47

Why not let DH take the children home and you stay on a day or two in a Premier Inn near your sister and catch up with her without the children.

If you only see her occasionally there could be all sorts of reasons why she behaves the way she does, I doubt it's about you personally.

SilenceInside · 08/01/2025 14:49

She did consider it! She said she'd try and arrange something,

You can't force a relationship that isn't there and that the other person isn't as into as you.

CautiousLurker01 · 08/01/2025 14:50

Bodybutterblusher · 08/01/2025 14:25

If he's 18, these exams are A Levels. The whole house walks on egg shells at such a time. Everything is kept calm and predictable. Many mothers wouldn't agree to wider family descending at that moment and would want to be around to provide last minute prep support, debrief support, square meals and early nights. It's a really stressful time for mothers as they struggle to maintain the appearance of being in a zen like state and it sounds like her children require a lot of her at the best of times. She probably doesn't have the bandwidth. I think you're being quite thoughtless.

Edited

This really - A levels/DS being 18 means this is a huge year and the implications of disruption are significant. Re the other stuff - well it’s none of your business how she choses to parent or prioritise her kids over employment is it?

On balance, you are being very demanding and imposing. You asked if she’d like to join, she’s said she’s unable to commit. She is perfectly at liberty to decline - as people say re wedding invited etc - it’s an invitation not a command.

bendmeoverbackwards · 08/01/2025 14:52

Look up the Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins .

VoodooRajin · 08/01/2025 14:53

She sounds like a right miserable cow, of course she could spare the time, id stop trying