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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Let down by sister

103 replies

Cosmos1982 · 08/01/2025 14:19

Im so upset and disappointed.
My sister is older than me and we have kids at either end of the scale- hers leaving/left home, mine primary/baby. She has never had a night away from her kids, she refused to start work at the contracted time in the mornings because she wanted to see her DS off to sch (at the time he was 17), so many examples like this. They come first before everything and everyone.

We live on other sides of the country and it’s hard to see each other (maybe once a year we manage).
We’ve been trying to plan to have a holiday with other family. Where we settled on is only about an hour or so away from my sister and so I texted her all enthusiastic saying that it would be amazing to see them at the same time, they could come and stay for a few nights, or do some day trips. It’s also around a big birthday of hers.
She replied saying it’s not possible for her to commit. DS has exams and she’s not the sort of person to celebrate birthdays. She thanked me for thinking of her, she did she’d try and work out a way of seeing us but can’t commit.
Im just so upset by this and at the end of my tether. Her DS will be 18 ffs. AIBU to think she could take a day trip to see us, not ‘try to’ but actually ‘yes that would be brill’?! Or even, shock horror, have a night away? It feels like she’s totally unbothered about seeing us. The thing is,
this isn’t the first time she has disappointed me with this kind of thing and it feels like every time I put myself out there, even when I’ve really needed her support, it’s not enough to leave her kids for even a day. Am I reacting too badly?

OP posts:
BarbaraHoward · 08/01/2025 16:23

A) It's reasonable that she wants to be there during A Levels.

B) You want a "sisterly" relationship but she clearly doesn't want to be particularly close for whatever reason and that's her right, you can't force it. You need to make your peace with that because you can't force her to change, and the more you push it the more she will pull back.

diddl · 08/01/2025 16:25

It feels like she’s totally unbothered about seeing us.

Honestly?

Maybe she is.

My sibling & I are very different & although we get on OK & I suppose care about each other as siblings do, I'd much rather spend time with friends.

lazyarse123 · 08/01/2025 16:50

I'm going to go against the grain here. I imagine her poor children are desperate for her to have some time away from them she sounds suffocating.
Time to leave her to her own devices then you won't be let down.

Calmhappyandhealthy · 08/01/2025 16:52

Cosmos1982 · 08/01/2025 14:39

Yes, I hear you on the exam front. I see how I’ve been niave on that front, just thought she might actually consider a day trip an hour away to see us, when we never see each other.
I see how the timing isn’t great.
I just want to see my sister that’s all. As I said, I’ve been let down by her in the past but I just want a sister relationship. It’s obvious that isn’t a priority for her in the same way though, and it hurts!

Edited

Why do you expect her to miraculously change who she has always been?

MounjaroOnMyMind · 08/01/2025 16:54

She's been very silly, narrowing her life like that. What would she do if he decided to go and live in Australia? (Or even two hours down the road?)

poemsandwine · 08/01/2025 16:57

You're in completely different phases of parenting.

She didn't let you down. She said she'd try.

TipsyKoala · 08/01/2025 16:58

She hasn't let you down because she never agreed to it in the first place, plus he child has exams which is a pretty big thing. Also, if I understand correctly, you will be on holiday with another family? Does she know this family? I wouldn't want to go and stay with people I didn't know.

TomatoSandwiches · 08/01/2025 16:59

She is your sister not your mother, you sound a bit needy for her attention.

Kindly op i don't think she wants the sort of relationship you want and really that's a valid choice for her, uncomfortable to realise but you will only hurt yourself continuing to expect something she doesn't want.

Let it go and enjoy your holiday, have low expectations for her to see you and if she does just enjoy it for what it is.

Pamspeople · 08/01/2025 17:04

Was there a time when you were really close, or have you always been keener than her? Because I'm afraid it seems clear that she doesn't want the close sister relationship that you do, she might even be using the kids as an excuse. Sorry OP, but I think you need to find a way to come to terms with this. Don't keep expecting her to want what she doesn't want, or you'll keep being disappointed and angry with her. You may need to grieve the relationship you're not going to have with her and let that fantasy go.

ChicLilacSeal · 08/01/2025 17:07

ChinUpDandy · 08/01/2025 14:28

Not sure of the timings but it's completely normal not to want to go on holiday in the run up to A levels.

I think OP was suggesting that she'd be happy to have a day out with just her sister though, who only lives an hour from the holiday location.

Mulchadoaboutnothing12 · 08/01/2025 17:10

Did you consult with her in advance about the time and place op?

Turophilic · 08/01/2025 17:11

I just want a sister relationship.

You have a sister relationship. Some sisters are like peas in a pod. Some don’t speak. Most people are somewhere in the middle.

Why do you want to see her? Do you enjoy her company? Do you have fun together? You don’t like how she parents, you sound quite judgemental about her life choices and you are at different life stages.

If you genuinely enjoy being together when it does happen - however infrequently - then it’s great that you’re trying to see her. It might be more successful if you asked her what works for her rather thss as n “here are the dates, please turn up”.

If, however, you’re chasing an idea of close sisters that has no real resemblance on the relationship between the two of you, stop trying. She’s not bothered and you can’t force her to be.

Upstartled · 08/01/2025 17:13

Were you very involved in her life when she had young children? It would be interesting to know if you feel you provided the kind of support then that you feel you are missing out on now and what kind of support that you would like her to provide, given you are disapproving of her choices?

BBQPete · 08/01/2025 17:17

In general you seem to have a point, but you have timed it very badly if he is in the midst of A levels. It's a big time in every student's life, and, given the choice, I think most parents would want to be around during the exam period.

More generally though, I am surprised you are surprised. If she has never been interested in maintaining a relationship with you, why do you think she will change now ?

WhatFreshHellisThese · 08/01/2025 17:20

StormingNorman · 08/01/2025 14:27

She sounds completely batshit to be honest. Try not to be upset; she stopped being a person in her own right a long time ago. She’s just mum now.

Errr this. Probably a good thing she’s not coming as she won’t be a bundle of laughs. Doesn’t sound like she is going to get her life back anytime soon.

cadburyegg · 08/01/2025 17:21

I was one of the first of my friends to have children (had ds1 at age 27). As a result a lot of my friends the same age as me have younger children, so can't fully appreciate the needs of my older ones. One of my friends said to me recently, "oh your kids are older now, it must be easier now they are that much more independent" they are 9 and 6!!! Still in primary school. I appreciate that a 9 year old seems massive compared to a 2 year old but come on.

I think you have made a similar mistake - you planned a trip with her in mind but didn't actually consult with her on dates etc and now you're upset that she can't commit.

The 18 year old might not need to be picked up from school or need his dinner on the table but they still need their mum. Maybe your sister knows they get stressed at exam time, or needs cajoling to do revision, or for whatever reason they need their mum around at this critical time.

I don't think it's unusual to prioritise your children even as adults.

MyTwinklySloth · 08/01/2025 17:35

Without sounding harsh sounds like she doesn't want to spend time with you. I live 5 hours away from family, work full time, have 2 kids and still manage to drive to see them every few months for a catch up. I would take this as food for thought for the future.. you do you and let her be her. Done

TheaBrandt · 08/01/2025 18:03

Oh come on the op isn’t asking the sister to go on a 5 day holiday duringa levels just to meet for one day!

Dd did a levels last year and although is normally calm was quite high maintenance about them. We didn’t go away for a night for a big anniversary but a day trip to meet family I would definitely do. And did thinking about it. Especially if there is a spouse around too.

Op I have been upset in the past about in laws lack of interest in our kids when they were younger. You literally have to let it go. There’s nothing you can do about it just train yourself to not care and mirror back the lack of interest. Their loss.

CautiousLurker01 · 08/01/2025 18:03

If DNeohew is in the mids of A levels… am going to guess OP has booked during term time also? Once OP’s children are in school, she’ll get why this is really a bit of a fuck up on her part…

Inkyblue123 · 08/01/2025 18:07

Of course she is being ridiculous, but it’s her choice, no matter how daft it seems. There will always be people in your life who do things that bother you, from the mate that never gets a round in to the family member who’s a massive pain in the arse, you can’t change them, you need to accept them for who they are or just move on.

MrsIcandothis · 08/01/2025 18:08

LindorDoubleChoc · 08/01/2025 15:15

Am I reading this correctly? People on here never went out for a day or an evening when their DC were doing exams? Good lord!

We must be cut from the same cloth. Mumsnet is incredible at collective madness sometimes!

LondonLawyer · 08/01/2025 18:10

18 year old - A levels? I think your sister is fair enough. My older son did his A levels recently, and I was totally (not telling him) arranging not to be working away over night, being available for stress / revision / support. I absolutely wouldn't have been pushing off to stay with one of my sisters just then. Later, after he'd finished them, absolutely.

Wonderi · 08/01/2025 18:15

It depends.

If you are asking her to visit during the week then YABU if her child is in the middle of exams.

But there’s nothing stopping her from seeing you on a weekend.
If you’re there on a weekend day and she still says no, then she just doesn’t want to see you.

JimHalpertsWife · 08/01/2025 18:23

She's going to absolutely crash and burn when her dc all fuck off to Australia as adults to be free of her.

Make sure you are unavailable when she comes knocking.

devilspawn · 08/01/2025 18:28

Tell her no worries, you'll pop in and see her since you're only an hour away. If she still makes excuses then no she doesn't want to see you.