Let down by sister

[Cosmos1982]

Im so upset and disappointed.
My sister is older than me and we have kids at either end of the scale- hers leaving/left home, mine primary/baby. She has never had a night away from her kids, she refused to start work at the contracted time in the mornings because she wanted to see her DS off to sch (at the time he was 17), so many examples like this. They come first before everything and everyone.

We live on other sides of the country and it’s hard to see each other (maybe once a year we manage).
We’ve been trying to plan to have a holiday with other family. Where we settled on is only about an hour or so away from my sister and so I texted her all enthusiastic saying that it would be amazing to see them at the same time, they could come and stay for a few nights, or do some day trips. It’s also around a big birthday of hers.
She replied saying it’s not possible for her to commit. DS has exams and she’s not the sort of person to celebrate birthdays. She thanked me for thinking of her, she did she’d try and work out a way of seeing us but can’t commit.
Im just so upset by this and at the end of my tether. Her DS will be 18 ffs. AIBU to think she could take a day trip to see us, not ‘try to’ but actually ‘yes that would be brill’?! Or even, shock horror, have a night away? It feels like she’s totally unbothered about seeing us. The thing is,
this isn’t the first time she has disappointed me with this kind of thing and it feels like every time I put myself out there, even when I’ve really needed her support, it’s not enough to leave her kids for even a day. Am I reacting too badly?

Let the wankers be wankers basically

I know you feel hurt but she doesn't want the type of 'sister' relationship that you want.

You are not close, see each other maybe once a year, and you have small children when she is done with that stage and has older kids doing their A levels. So you don't seem to have much in common other than being related to each other.

I think you need to stop trying to force a relationship that she clearly doesn't want.

She hasn’t let you down. If you’d arranged it and she didn’t turn up, that would be a letdown. You made arrangements and she said no. You can feel disappointed, that’s understandable, but she obviously feels that her responsibility lies with her immediate family and that’s fine too. Maybe next time you should confer with her before booking anything.

You don't stop parenting when kids become teens , exams are an important time for them and I see her point on that front . My sister has small kids and I have older we would not holiday together because it would be difficult to find an activity to suit everyone . Could you travel the hour to where she lives to see her? You are both at different times in your lives . Did you spend time with her family when her kids were young ? Maybe she is just busy and doesn't need another ball to juggle right now.

This. She hasn't let you down. You made arrangements and thought she'd be interested in seeing you as you were going to be an hour from her -- that didn't work for her because of the timing clashing with child's exams. Surely, OP, it's not that much of a surprise? She's just not interested in the type of relationship you appear to want.

She hasn't let you down. You made an arrangement which she can't agree to

I also turned down invitations when my son was doing his A levels they are probably the most important exams and young people doing them need support.
I think your sister is just being a good parent and putting her children first.

I’m sorry but I don’t think you’ve been naive at all. I find it bonkers that so many people on here are saying they wouldn’t take a day to visit their sister who happened to be close by for the first time in ages and go and see them because their 18yo is sitting their exams. That’s so OTT, and I cannot imagine what 18yo would need their mummy there for them to come home to everyday for weeks.

That being said, she obviously just doesn’t want to make that effort, you’re not her priority. So manage your expectations in future and maybe match her energy

I understand where you are coming from OP. It sounds like this isn’t the only “let down”, however in this particular situation with exams maybe you suggest that you could go over and see them? Or meet half way for lunch / dinner or something?

Do you feel you could have a conversation with your sister about how you wish you could see each-other more and how it upsets you that you feel she is less interested in a relationship with you than you are with her?

I disagree.Putting your children first doesn't mean she will be lonely when they leave home.
I was like OPs sister. My children turned into well adjusted independent adults and I coped just fine when they left home!
I don't regret my choices at all. I am not lonely at all. I had good friends all through my children's childhoods and still have them now and have also made more,

This^

No way would I be planning a holiday or days away around my ds a levels. My focus at that point would be supporting him through them as those are really important exams and can be a huge amount of pressure for young people. Never mind that it's one of the last big things you help them with before they leave home and maybe move away etc.

I think saying she'd like to go and she'll try but can't commit is very fair in that situation.

I think your reaction to it is a bit ott in truth. You're sisters yes, but you're both adults. You don't sound overly close, you've both been in very different places in life for quite some time and my guess is that as she's raised much older children she's been doing that very independently of you. It's up to her if she wants to spend time with you and what she's prepared to sacrifice in order to do that. You've immediately jumped to hurt feelings and rejection when that's not actually what's happened here.

She's entirely entitled to be whatever type of mother she sees fit and if she chooses not to be away or to adapt her working schedule to be present for her kids then I say good for her setting her own boundaries to protect her work life balance as she wants to. Your post comes across judgemental of that. What's right for one isn't necessarily right for another but there's no need for judgement of it.

I’m only just recovering from GCSEs so I’m enjoying this year before it begins again next year 🙈 Dreading Alevels. I’m sure they’re fine if you have a confident dc who will definitely do well (seemed to be my friends’ experience) yet mine had mocks all over the place with no consistency. It was stressful and we protected her during that time. (She did really well and got what she needed to move on).

You picking a time that’s convenient for you then feeling let down when your sister doesn’t drop everything is unfair. The jabs about her work hours being around her ds going to school show a naivety around teens. It suggests her ds still needs that level of input. Some dc do. Looking down on her parenting choices won’t help your relationship.

On this front - why not go and visit her yourself at a time that suits her? Or suggest a joint family holiday where her whole family can be with yours? Or ring her and say you'd like to be closer to her and suggest doing more phone calls or face times etc

Am I reading this correctly? People on here never went out for a day or an evening when their DC were doing exams? Good lord!

Don’t remember that happening when I did my A-levels back in the day - normal life went on around me and I was expected to get on with it! Are kids really that fragile now?

This is confusing me too, do they take 2 weeks annual leave from work? No one in the family is allowed to go out for the day?

I think it's only natural for you to be disappointed and hurt that your sister isn't willing to commit to seeing you when you're close by. It sounds like she has always prioritised her children so in that respect it's not unexpected. I think you have to accept that this is who she is and stop making the effort when it's not reciprocated. Yes, it's sad and hurtful but you can't change her so you just have to accept that it is what it is.

If its right in the midst of the exams then that's different to taking the time at another point in the year?

To be fair I am the complete opposite to your sister but when my 18 years old kids were going through their exams, assume these are for A levels, I would not of had a mini break, even for one night, I do see why it has bothered you given how she has acted previously.

Yeah, I'd be reluctant to go on a jolly in the midst of a-levels. If she wasn't willing to meet up before she was never going to say yes to this.

You've made plans and expected her to instantly fit into them as an after thought? She hasn't let you down, she just hasn't immediately committed.
You clearly aren't close, so perhaps her DS needs more support than you think?
You've mentioned her not supporting you, but how much support have you offered her over the past 18 years?

I've booked gcse results day off work (child likely to be a bit disappointed). I would happily go out locally or to work or out in the evening throughout the 3 weeks he does his exams but I would be nearby if anything was needed. A lot of kids do struggle with their mental health when doing exams so I wouldn't want to be more than about half an hour away. I've also booked the day off work for his prom and will make plans locally but be at the end of a phone if needed. I did have to go and pick my older teen up drunk the night of prom so I'll be waiting for a call basically although the younger one may end up being more sensible.
So I wouldn't drive an hour to meet someone during any of those key times. (A levels not relevant to my household).

I love my sisters but my children are my priority. In that situation if I was your sister I would suggest a day in the summer holidays instead.

I do not remember ANYONE having this attitude back in the 90/00s when our generation had exams. We just got on with it.

It's pretty extreme to have an entire household focused around the needs of one person, I think.

But we didn’t have to get into £50-80K’s worth of debt going to university with few graduate jobs when we left, and there were even jobs for people who only had A levels… different times, different stresses.