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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Let down by sister

103 replies

Cosmos1982 · 08/01/2025 14:19

Im so upset and disappointed.
My sister is older than me and we have kids at either end of the scale- hers leaving/left home, mine primary/baby. She has never had a night away from her kids, she refused to start work at the contracted time in the mornings because she wanted to see her DS off to sch (at the time he was 17), so many examples like this. They come first before everything and everyone.

We live on other sides of the country and it’s hard to see each other (maybe once a year we manage).
We’ve been trying to plan to have a holiday with other family. Where we settled on is only about an hour or so away from my sister and so I texted her all enthusiastic saying that it would be amazing to see them at the same time, they could come and stay for a few nights, or do some day trips. It’s also around a big birthday of hers.
She replied saying it’s not possible for her to commit. DS has exams and she’s not the sort of person to celebrate birthdays. She thanked me for thinking of her, she did she’d try and work out a way of seeing us but can’t commit.
Im just so upset by this and at the end of my tether. Her DS will be 18 ffs. AIBU to think she could take a day trip to see us, not ‘try to’ but actually ‘yes that would be brill’?! Or even, shock horror, have a night away? It feels like she’s totally unbothered about seeing us. The thing is,
this isn’t the first time she has disappointed me with this kind of thing and it feels like every time I put myself out there, even when I’ve really needed her support, it’s not enough to leave her kids for even a day. Am I reacting too badly?

OP posts:
dapsnotplimsolls · 08/01/2025 18:37

She's just not that into you.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 08/01/2025 19:05

You aren't unreasonable but you are unrealistic.
What about your interactions with her up till now, your relationship with her, everything you know about her - made you think she was ever going to be the sister you want her to be?

It's very disappointing for you I know but look on the bright side.

She's your sister not your mother in law.

Because God almighty herself won't be able to help her kids partners!

BMW6 · 08/01/2025 19:14

I'm so sorry you're hurt, but she doesn't have the emotional connection with you that you feel to her.

You're flogging a dead horse here and distressing yourself in doing so.
Stop NOW. Accept that you have very different emotional expectations, you expect more than she will give so you need to step back and detach.

You cannot change the way she feels. You can change your reaction to her ambivalence.

Others love you and give love to you. Learn to he satisfied with what you actually have and stop crying for the moon.

UndermyShoeJoe · 08/01/2025 19:21

You are just not as close as you hoped and it’s ok to be disappointed with that but you have to lower your expectations you know what she’s like.

Also with it being an exam year during exam season you were pretty bloody silly to expect that would be the one time she would change her routine for you.

StormingNorman · 08/01/2025 19:52

CautiousLurker01 · 08/01/2025 18:03

If DNeohew is in the mids of A levels… am going to guess OP has booked during term time also? Once OP’s children are in school, she’ll get why this is really a bit of a fuck up on her part…

You never had a day out during term time? You never met someone for lunch or had a trip to the shops during term?

Shinyandnew1 · 08/01/2025 19:55

The thing is,this isn’t the first time

Well, it shouldn't be a great surprise then!

To be honest, you've booked a holiday at a time that suits you and are cross that it's at an inconvenient time for her so she can't commit, I can see why she has responded like this.

My in laws always used to tell us they'd booked holidays near us, after they'd done it and were looking forward to spending time with us. They were nearly always really busy times when we just couldn't commit and then they were annoyed!

Anonym00se · 08/01/2025 20:02

LindorDoubleChoc · 08/01/2025 15:15

Am I reading this correctly? People on here never went out for a day or an evening when their DC were doing exams? Good lord!

DD sat hers two years ago. She was having a terrible time with anxiety, so I’d make sure I was around beforehand to give her a pep talk because there was a real danger that she’d bottle out of going in for the exam. Similarly I wanted to be available if she needed me afterwards in case they went badly and she had a meltdown. In the event she was fine, but it’s not unreasonable to want to be there to support your child through one of the most stressful events of their life to date.

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 08/01/2025 20:06

Turophilic · 08/01/2025 17:11

I just want a sister relationship.

You have a sister relationship. Some sisters are like peas in a pod. Some don’t speak. Most people are somewhere in the middle.

Why do you want to see her? Do you enjoy her company? Do you have fun together? You don’t like how she parents, you sound quite judgemental about her life choices and you are at different life stages.

If you genuinely enjoy being together when it does happen - however infrequently - then it’s great that you’re trying to see her. It might be more successful if you asked her what works for her rather thss as n “here are the dates, please turn up”.

If, however, you’re chasing an idea of close sisters that has no real resemblance on the relationship between the two of you, stop trying. She’s not bothered and you can’t force her to be.

This. Sorry OP.

Horses7 · 08/01/2025 20:07

My sister is exactly the same and her daughter is 30 and married herself so no ties as such. Unless something is her idea she won’t commit - even to her niece’s/goddaughter’s wedding which was a year away. I’ve given up - we haven’t fallen out but my efforts from now on are close to zero.

Bodybutterblusher · 08/01/2025 21:03

Cosmos1982 · 08/01/2025 14:39

Yes, I hear you on the exam front. I see how I’ve been niave on that front, just thought she might actually consider a day trip an hour away to see us, when we never see each other.
I see how the timing isn’t great.
I just want to see my sister that’s all. As I said, I’ve been let down by her in the past but I just want a sister relationship. It’s obvious that isn’t a priority for her in the same way though, and it hurts!

Edited

She hasn't said she won't see you just that she can't commit herself at this point which is understandable. She may be able to. I realise you're hurt but at the same time, you're really judgemental about her and she might know it. It seems to be all about what you can get from her with no respect for the values she holds and the things that preoccupy her.

ALJT · 12/01/2025 18:20

People are allowed to say no. You are more into it than she is and that’s ok, but she doesn’t have to do anything

Haditwithallofthisrubbish1 · 12/01/2025 18:25

Cosmos1982 · 08/01/2025 14:39

Yes, I hear you on the exam front. I see how I’ve been niave on that front, just thought she might actually consider a day trip an hour away to see us, when we never see each other.
I see how the timing isn’t great.
I just want to see my sister that’s all. As I said, I’ve been let down by her in the past but I just want a sister relationship. It’s obvious that isn’t a priority for her in the same way though, and it hurts!

Edited

I feel for you OP and this really resonates. My brother is really similar, won't commit and does not give any indication he is bothered about seeing me or my kids at all. It does hurt, especially as we lost both parents recently. 💐

BuildbyNumbere · 12/01/2025 18:31

You are clearly not important enough to her. Give up.

godmum56 · 12/01/2025 18:42

Cosmos1982 · 08/01/2025 14:39

Yes, I hear you on the exam front. I see how I’ve been niave on that front, just thought she might actually consider a day trip an hour away to see us, when we never see each other.
I see how the timing isn’t great.
I just want to see my sister that’s all. As I said, I’ve been let down by her in the past but I just want a sister relationship. It’s obvious that isn’t a priority for her in the same way though, and it hurts!

Edited

It sounds like you wants something that she doesn't.

CheekyRaven · 12/01/2025 18:46

I'd go ahead without her. Her loss

CosyLemur · 12/01/2025 19:10

LindorDoubleChoc · 08/01/2025 14:46

Yes, that's really quite hurtful OP. I would be upset too. I don't see much of my siblings but if they couldn't even be bothered on an occasion like that I'd be really sad!. Perhaps it's time for you to be honest with her and ask her why she's like this? I think you deserve to hear the truth, even if it might be unpalatable. At least, if you find out she has no time for you, you can put it behind you and stop flogging a dead horse. Sorry it's so upsetting Flowers

Your siblings would leave their kids in the middle of their A-levels to go on a holiday? Really?

OCDmama · 12/01/2025 19:22

I'm young enough to remember my A-levels very clearly. My mum had a general idea what days we were sitting what exams and wished us luck, but that's about it. She was an excellent parent and I got AAB.

There's no reason your sister couldn't come for a day trip. For those saying mother's 'worth their salt' would be there every minute of the day,.do you all either not work or take time off for exams??

Jesus wept.

OCDmama · 12/01/2025 19:25

Bodybutterblusher · 08/01/2025 14:25

If he's 18, these exams are A Levels. The whole house walks on egg shells at such a time. Everything is kept calm and predictable. Many mothers wouldn't agree to wider family descending at that moment and would want to be around to provide last minute prep support, debrief support, square meals and early nights. It's a really stressful time for mothers as they struggle to maintain the appearance of being in a zen like state and it sounds like her children require a lot of her at the best of times. She probably doesn't have the bandwidth. I think you're being quite thoughtless.

Edited

Holy Christ this is too much. A day trip to see OP would be fine during this time.

This much 'support' will effect kids' ability to manage the world of work and university.

arcticpandas · 12/01/2025 19:28

CosyLemur · 12/01/2025 19:10

Your siblings would leave their kids in the middle of their A-levels to go on a holiday? Really?

Show quote history

Who talked about a holiday? She could come and see OP one day or does her 18 year old need handholding? I think it sounds crazy! At 18 you're supposed to be independant. I thought I was a helicopter parent but I feel very normal when I see how many mums think it's normal to stay all the time with an 18 year old because of A levels!

On the other hand I don't think your sister wants to have a close relationship with you since she got form for turning you down. I think it would be healthier for you to accept that you will not be close and move on with your life.

Kths · 12/01/2025 19:34

It sounds like high school not college or uni and she's asking for one day trip with her sister not her kids! She doesn’t plan to descend on them they are staying elsewhere

I get the importance of exams having had a child go through the system and sitting some myself lately but to say you can’t leave your 18 year old adult child for a few hours seems extreme

Kths · 12/01/2025 19:36

She’s asking for a day trip not a holiday

some kids have left home at that age I know I sat mine living independently

Choccyscofffy · 12/01/2025 19:38

I’d stop making any effort. She’s not bothered so you need to learn to not be bothered. Leave the ball in her court to arrange something.

THisbackwithavengeance · 12/01/2025 19:39

Am I reading the same thread as other people?

How will the sister's adult DS doing an exam render her unable to meet the OP for a day trip an hour away?

Surely the dc can get himself to school for his exam without needing his brow mopped by mummy.

FortyFacedFuckers · 12/01/2025 19:39

You obviously aren't close so I can see why she might not want to meet

Thepurplepig · 12/01/2025 19:40

In ten years time his wife will be posting on here about her unbearable mother in law.