Can’t get my child to school

[Palmtreesinthewinds]

What would you do? really need help/advice 🙏

We live in another country where they start formal schooling at age 6.
My dc was in pre school part time from age 4-6 (she turned 6 end of July)
In May she got ill and stayed off Pre school, she is only really recovering now (still not 100% but we’re hopefully getting there)
She tried Year 1 for two half days in September and couldn’t cope, we just tried back this week and she found the work too hard and was very anxious and wants to stay with me.
I just cannot get her to school, she gets very very upset about it and once in, cries a lot and they call me to come and pick her up.

I don’t know what to do at all.
Legally I have to have her in school, we’ve had the Drs reports and absence letters up until now, but their recommendation is to try to get her back to school.

What would you do?

This does sound very stressful OP.

I would suggest little steps (former teacher here too.)

The biggest problem at the moment is her not wanting to be there at all and worrying about the lessons. So for me, I'd take the learning element away for the moment. The key focus is for her to know that school is a safe place to be and that Mum will come and collect her when she says she will. I would request that the school facilitate this for say a month or so and then slowly begin to encourage her to start lessons. There are many mindful/calming things she could be doing at school that will take away that stress for her.

Once she becomes comfortable with being at school and sees you collecting her and makes friends then she will begin to 'learn' in her lessons.

Once you get the PSHE bit right then the rest follows!

Can you take her out and catch her up at all? Then when she less behind work on getting her back in - may not actually be an option.

Is repeating a year an option where you are - could you keep her off catch her up and then start current year again?

Work with the school - what support are they offering - and you need a plan of when it's appropriate to call you and when it's not. As I agree with PP every time you go in and take her home it's entrenching the problem.

Have you talk to some form of HCP about helping - likely with techniques - to deal with the separation anxiety ? Here I'd say HV or school nurse but don't know what you have available to you. Maybe a transition object - or placebo thing like rescue remedy help?

Are there any social activities you could take her to outside school hours? I see your reluctance is due to the social aspect. You say there isn't a big home education community but what about normal clubs that exist after school and weekends? Could you educate at home and she then participates in a club of her choice?

The other aspect you mention is that she is behind. Could you work on catching her up so she doesn't feel behind? If you are a teacher, you could support with this? Else pay a tutor if funds available?

How are you working with the school? Other than them simply calling as she is upset, does the teacher have an actual plan that you can work together on with your child. Perhaps she has a special toy in school that can remind her of home?

You cannot manage this on your own, it's not clear from your posts what, if anything, the school is doing to help.

There needs to be a clear and agreed strategy to deal with this, and once worked out it needs to be explained clearly to your DD.

Its unfortunate that she is finding this transition so difficult but she also needs to learn that she can't just avoid stuff she doesn't like. The more time she spends iin school, the more easily she will make friends which will boost both her language skills and her confidence. It's a bit cruel to be kind, but very necessary to be firm I think.

If she is finding the work hard, what support is the school putting in place (and, separately, you)?
My twins both have SEN AND missed a lot of Reception and Year 1. So, they, too found being in school mega tough (they both have ADHD and are Autistic; Twin 2 is also Dyslexic). So, I fought tooth and nail to get additional support in place, adapted homework to acco date their idiosyncrasies and DIDN’T rush into school to pick up Twin 2 every time she became inconsolable.
I don't think it helps our young people to always pander to their distress. No parent wants their child upset, but what message would it have sent, if I'd gone in every time either had a meltdown/crying?
For better or worse, both mine are in mainstream primary and, to give them a fighting chance, I can't wrap them in cotton wool and 'rescue' them from every challenging situation.

Don't worry about the socialisation side of things for the moment.
Personally, I would forget about school for the rest of the academic year. Particularly if she isn't fully recovered from her illness. She needs to build her strength and confidence back up.
Look at some counselling support or similar to help
Approach the school about returning to a lower year group in September. Also, strategies and so forth to be put in place to support her return.
FWIW, I have friends who have English as their second language. Their child is also summer born, and he went down a year when he went to school to, in part, support his language development. He's now back up to original year, as he's developed so well.

I think I'd homeschool until she's caught up on the work she's missed. You say you're worried about the social aspect but she's not doing any socialising if she's only there for an hour and is in tears most of that time.
For whatever reason school aren't supporting her to be in school so I'd let her learn at home for now.
Also anyone who can look after your daughter sometimes so you can also work on her separation anxiety.

@MrsSunshine2b in general, I agree. It's helpful for children (and adults) to experience distress as an emotion to be tolerated and overcome, rather than avoided totally

Not sure how best OP can support her child though. Sounds tough situation. I'd think gradual return or repeat the year might be the way to go

oh please stop it ,she keeps doing it because you go .stop going , it will be hard for a little while but you cannot allow her to do everything she wants and pleases , she’ll never learn

@Palmtreesinthewinds

Would a very gradual settling in period help? That she only goes along for an hour - and perhaps has you in the classroom as a volunteer - for a couple of weeks? Then gradually ease off your support and your DD stays longer as she begins to settle?

The symptoms she's exhibiting are surely connected to the fact she has PANS it is incredibly debilitating, and anxiety, school refusal, OCD are absolutely typical, She needs support and time to recover from her illness, and that may take quite a long time The school need to be supporting her in doing whatever she can in terms of attendance which may be very little atm, and providing work for her to do at home. I'd also look into getting some behavioural therapy for her to help her manage her symptoms.

If she's been off pre school and then proper school since May, have you not been working with her at home to stop her from falling behind? I agree with others, she doesn't have a choice about going to school and you need to stop collecting her. I remember a child who was in my daughters Receptjon class - she had severe separation anxiety and screamed the school down for up to an hour every day at first, but after two or three weeks, when she realised that not going to school was not an option, she gradually improved and was fine.

What country are you in? Lots of mumnetters are abroad, we might be able to help more if we know where you're based.

I would hire a tutor to help her catch up and explain to her that it will be gard at first and you don't expect her to manage all the work well.

You might have to be very honest and explain that life is hard, it's normal right be scared but as humans we have a responsibility to do things while afraid and it is nor acceptable to come home, it is the law that she has to go.

Provide incentives with a nice snack when you come to collect her at the end of the day.

Good luck!

Kindly OP, she needs to develop some resilience. Just because something is hard, it doesn't mean she doesn't have to do it. If this pattern continues, she will not be learn the skills to be able to withstand any discomfort or pressure about anything. In the long run, you are not doing her any favours by jumping every time she cries.

I know its distressing when your child is anxious, so speak to the school about perhaps letting her have time out with a book when she feels overwhelmed or something. They can reduce this gradually or do whatever has worked in the past. She isn't the first child to cry about being at school - they will have dealt with this before.

Has she been assessed for SEN? There could be some real adaptations put in place to help ease the anxiety, more one on one time etc.

I think that's a good idea.
Where I'm from it would be a pretty good idea I think because all kindergaden grpus prepare for school together like walking to school together, getting to know their teacher, sitting together in the classroom, going on a trip, etc.
That quells some of the fears about school because everything is done in around kids they know. Would also help with the socializing.

Ask the school if you can be in the classroom for a while, until she gets more settled. Obviously you wouldn't interfere and needn’t even sit directly with her, but just knowing you’re around might help her. Then gradually reduce the amount of time you spend there. (Make it clear to her from the start that it’s only temporary.)

She’s been far too ill to do work, just trying to get her better has been my main concern.

Portugal

I wouldn't go to get her. This is something that needs nipped in the bud otherwise you'll have a long term school refuser who has missed out on too much education to catch up with.

Sounds so hard. There are two different things to consider - one is getting her used to being in a social setting without you, the other is her education. If your work allows, can you or your DH pick up some of the reading. writing, maths etc at home? Or can you get a private tutor? In a way that aspect is possibly easier.

The harder aspect is getting her into school or a setting where she can learn to be okay with other people and without you. Are there other schools with smaller classes? Schools for kids with SEN? Forest schools? Alternative education? Does she have cousins or any friends she feels safe with where she could have some short playdates? What professional help are you getting? What do they say? Or have you tried any parent support groups?

My DS missed most of pre-school and a lot of his first year of school because of illness and it was very hard getting him settled at school. He was so traumatised by being the experience of being ill that he stopped eating and speaking. I met with the teachers before he joined but they just didn't get it. Maybe thought I was exaggerating. Anyway it was a struggle but he did manage to settle eventually. He learned very little in school though which is why I say separate thoughts about the two aspects. Also let go of where school says she should be and focus on where she is and go with that. If it helps, DS is doing great now, confident, independent, great friends, studying three A-levels. xxx

Hmm, the fact that her illness involved her brain makes this a very differnt issue. Brain injury recovery (which this is likely to be similar to) is a very 'slow and steady wins the race' sort of thing. Anxiety is a real symptom, not just a side-effect of being out of school and needing to reintegrate. It can't necessarily be helped in the same way that normal school/separation anxiety often can be as the cause is different. This is probably a mix of both.

I would aim to try joining the younger group and see how that goes. But I would be open to home schooling and finding other ways to socialise as that may be what she needs. School may be too overwhelming an environment for her right now.

I'm sure you are probably aware of brain recovery protocols, but just in case, fish oil supplements are fantastic in reducing brain inflammation and aiding recovery.