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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can’t get my child to school

448 replies

Palmtreesinthewinds · 08/01/2025 11:40

What would you do? really need help/advice 🙏

We live in another country where they start formal schooling at age 6.
My dc was in pre school part time from age 4-6 (she turned 6 end of July)
In May she got ill and stayed off Pre school, she is only really recovering now (still not 100% but we’re hopefully getting there)
She tried Year 1 for two half days in September and couldn’t cope, we just tried back this week and she found the work too hard and was very anxious and wants to stay with me.
I just cannot get her to school, she gets very very upset about it and once in, cries a lot and they call me to come and pick her up.

I don’t know what to do at all.
Legally I have to have her in school, we’ve had the Drs reports and absence letters up until now, but their recommendation is to try to get her back to school.

What would you do?

OP posts:
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5
Bleachbum · 08/01/2025 15:02

My DS was ill for a short time and once recovered had terrible anxiety which was preventing him being able to return to school. Luckily his school was incredibly supportive and put in place a therapist for him where he had child focused CBT. It worked wonders.

Someone along the way told me that once a child misses a whole term for illness it is often incredibly difficult to get them back into school.

See if you can find a paediatric CBT practitioner.

Oioisavaloy27 · 08/01/2025 15:04

They need to stop ringing you to pick her up this is just exasibating the problem and you are also making it worst for her by doing it and pandering to he. Get her some counselling to deal with the anxiety and keep her in school because the more time she has off the more anxious she will get, the more behind she will get and before you know it she won't be going to school at all

5128gap · 08/01/2025 15:08

I think it would be useful to be explicit that not going to school isn't an option, then work from there to help her overcome her difficulties. The current situation must be adding to her anxiety because its confused, inconsistent and there's mixed messaging. You have to go to school. You have to stay there. But not if you get upset. But sometimes if you're not upset enough. Then maybe you don't have to go...
From her perspective it's all on her and how well she can persuade you all, and that's way too much pressure at 6.
If it were me id take absence completely off the agenda and look to help her stay in school. If the issue is seperation from you, how can you stay connected while apart? Phone calls with schools agreement seem a good idea. Knowing what you're doing in her absence also helps (make it very dull!) Breaking the day into chunks for her and a clear idea of what will happen in each part is worth a try. The school should be helping too, maybe buddying her up with other children. Inviting childtem from school to play might help too.

peachgreen · 08/01/2025 15:09

I would repost this on the Education board with the details of her illness in the OP – the reality is a very different scenario than the one you presented originally here.

MondayYogurt · 08/01/2025 15:14

You've mentioned 'high anxiety' and 'worrying' a few times.

Are you yourself diagnosed with an anxiety disorder or do you display anxious behaviours at home? And is your daughter officially diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, or are you self-diagnosing her?

Have you told her she is 'high anxiety', or otherwise helped to define her personality as nervous/worried/prone to spiralling?

Christmasmorale · 08/01/2025 15:17

Palmtreesinthewinds · 08/01/2025 14:52

Portugal

Can you put her in an English speaking international school. At least the work will be easier for her that way.

SpringIscomingalso · 08/01/2025 15:17

Palmtreesinthewinds · 08/01/2025 11:53

She’s not kicking off, she’s crying for me as she feels v anxious. The school know what she’s been through

Poor kids; kicking off - what - on bashing the wall? The child has been through health issues

SpringIscomingalso · 08/01/2025 15:18

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SharpOpalNewt · 08/01/2025 15:24

OP, there is a group called Not Fine in School you could join on Facebook. They are particularly helpful if the local authority or school start to talk about fining you for absence.

DD2 was fine with school until the pandemic, which also happened at the same time as moving to secondary school and the start of puberty. Despite our constant effort to get her into school and constant engagement with the school and local authorities, we were always being threatened with fines. We were never actually fined but it hung over all our heads like a sword of Damocles and didn't exactly help matters.

We had to get private help for DD2 in the end and tried everything from counselling to medication (she was diagnosed with ADHD, ASD and anxiety) to get her into school. She would manage it for a bit then just burn out again. Eventually she agreed to try online school and she is like a different girl, we have our daughter back.

Palmtreesinthewinds · 08/01/2025 15:29

MondayYogurt · 08/01/2025 15:14

You've mentioned 'high anxiety' and 'worrying' a few times.

Are you yourself diagnosed with an anxiety disorder or do you display anxious behaviours at home? And is your daughter officially diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, or are you self-diagnosing her?

Have you told her she is 'high anxiety', or otherwise helped to define her personality as nervous/worried/prone to spiralling?

No, not at all, what are you talking about?

OP posts:
Palmtreesinthewinds · 08/01/2025 15:30

Christmasmorale · 08/01/2025 15:17

Can you put her in an English speaking international school. At least the work will be easier for her that way.

I would love to, this would be the ideal scenario. Too expensive unfortunately

OP posts:
WithoutACherryOnTheTop · 08/01/2025 15:34

She had (and may still have or is suffering from the after effects of) encephalitis. That changes everything as she has a brain injury/trauma! I do repeat myself and say I'd want her down a year but if she can do the pre-school now but for a few hours only just to socialise then that would be my first choice. I would also seek specialist help from people experienced with encephalitis (I am pretty sure there are some good sources in the UK. I don't know if there's a forum section on MN for parents of children who have been really ill too but it might be worth having a look) as it really does change everything. She will be extremely tired so I'm not surprised she can't do a full school day! I think you need some specialist advice, OP, and then you'll need to get the school onboard with the help she will need going forward. Good luck to you and your DD.

Hufflemuff · 08/01/2025 15:36

OP you've got 9 pages of replies now... what have you taken onboard? What are your thoughts. I just keep seeing your replies being very wishy washy "ahh not sure" type of vibes.

Palmtreesinthewinds · 08/01/2025 15:55

Hufflemuff · 08/01/2025 15:36

OP you've got 9 pages of replies now... what have you taken onboard? What are your thoughts. I just keep seeing your replies being very wishy washy "ahh not sure" type of vibes.

Yes it’s all very stressful and confusing at the moment. I’m trying to decide what to do. Sorry if its a bit wishy washy, difficult few days

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 08/01/2025 15:58

Legally I have to have her in school, we’ve had the Drs reports and absence letters up until now, but their recommendation is to try to get her back to school.

Are you in Germany? In the Bundesland where we live, the cut-off date for the school year literally just changed this academic year. So my 6yo with August birthday is still in Kindergarten (preschool) whereas if he had been born the year previously he would have had to go to school at just-turned-6.

There is generally a very strong feeling here that you should keep children back from starting school for as long as possible unless they are very ready, so the pre-school year classes this year have about 15-25% more kids in them which is a bit of a nightmare for the teachers, especially with staff shortages which seems to be a nationwide (possibly even worldwide??) issue.

Anyway I think in your position, I would see if you can arrange a meeting with the preschool lead and possibly the school, if there's someone there who does this kind of thing, about deferring and putting her back in preschool, because even if you're not in Germany, if the system is anything like Germany, they don't really have a nice gentle easy start in primary - the preschool year of Kindergarten is specifically that, it's tailored to gear them up for school and get them ready. If she's missed that since May of last year, then it's going to be much harder for her.

You could also go back to the doctor and ask them for specific recommendations about how you can get her back to school - can they make a referral for any support?

I feel like it can be so opaque here at times and there is no clear map of what services even exist or who is eligible for them. For example over the last year I've learned all kinds of terms which I had absolutely no idea of previously.

We have been referred to a Fruhförderstelle, which roughly translates as "Early intervention" but I am not sure what to expect from this. (The meeting is on Friday so I can update if you like!) I have been told that they don't do assessment/diagnosis but they can suggest support or advice which can be put into place at home or school/Kindergarten.

The school we are close to has a Förderklasse/support class, which is supposed to be more of a transition class for children having a difficult time adjusting to school. It's still school, but it's more structured like pre-school. I am not sure what happens with this class, whether they stay in it throughout school, transition back into their own year group, transition into the next school year, or what. Because DS seems to be settled in the preschool class (fingers crossed) and we don't have all the info yet about his assessment I haven't looked into this yet, but if it makes sense I think I will try and find out about it. There is a staff member at the school who is the sort of "liason" person who comes around to the Kindergartens and is a contact point for new starters, so I think I can contact her if I have questions.

Then there are 1:1 supports for some kids (Integrationshilfe or Begleitsperson) to help them integrate into mainstream. I have no idea what the criteria is to get these - but some seem to be linked to a charity, whereas others are employed directly by the school (but that was an international school, so £££).

Where there is compulsory schooling, there is also often some kind of legal protection to ensure integration for people with difficulties accessing school in the normal way, usually without the need for a specific diagnosis, or at least a loophole around this (e.g. DS's doctor wrote "social delay" or something like that on one form).

Essentially, if the doctor is saying "Try to get her back to school", then go back and ask what you can/should to to get her back to school and how long for. Then if the suggestions do not work, go back in that time period and explain it is getting worse/still not working.

Keep talking to the school and keep talking to everyone. Keep notes of what has been suggested, what has been tried and the outcome. See if there is a family support group for PANS, either locally or online but specific to that country. It's difficult to read social media posts in your second language, but google translate can pick up a lot of slack for you and it does help to hear from others with relevant experience.

Have you looked at whether the international school has any scholarship places and what the criteria are?

Sorry this took me ages to write so some of it is a bit mixed up as I did go through and read just OP's posts before submitting.

Monstermashermashedthemonster · 08/01/2025 16:03

The school should be dealing with this and not getting you to collect her. She needs to learn that school is a safe place.

NiftyKoala · 08/01/2025 16:06

I get it. My daughter had a disease that the medication to fox it cause her immune system to tank. It was either die or catch every virus and take forever to get over. She basically missed all last year. She's at a new school now and actually cries when she has to miss once in a while. She had surgery s she isn't on that medicine anymore. Her school last year was incredibly unsuportive. It may help to look into other schools

Heronwatcher · 08/01/2025 16:08

In your position I would take a break and ask her to restart this year in September or whenever the next academic year re starts. If school will agree then get proper home schooling set up from now until then so she’s ready to go.

If this doesn’t work it may also seem drastic but I’d also consider if you could stay with family in England for a few months and enrol her in an English speaking school to see if she copes better with that. If she loves it then I’d be considering any way I could to get back to the UK.

Palmtreesinthewinds · 08/01/2025 16:11

Heronwatcher · 08/01/2025 16:08

In your position I would take a break and ask her to restart this year in September or whenever the next academic year re starts. If school will agree then get proper home schooling set up from now until then so she’s ready to go.

If this doesn’t work it may also seem drastic but I’d also consider if you could stay with family in England for a few months and enrol her in an English speaking school to see if she copes better with that. If she loves it then I’d be considering any way I could to get back to the UK.

I want to go back to the uk, Dh is v reluctant, but it’s not about what we want anymore

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 08/01/2025 16:15

Palmtreesinthewinds · 08/01/2025 16:11

I want to go back to the uk, Dh is v reluctant, but it’s not about what we want anymore

Yes I think that DH might need to think a bit more widely, his daughter has been seriously ill, she sounds very anxious and she’s being asked to go to a school where she can’t speak the language properly. That’s tough. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t give Portugal a real chance, especially once your DD is better but I would definitely be keeping moving back to the UK on the cards. Is your DH Portuguese?

Palmtreesinthewinds · 08/01/2025 16:18

Heronwatcher · 08/01/2025 16:15

Yes I think that DH might need to think a bit more widely, his daughter has been seriously ill, she sounds very anxious and she’s being asked to go to a school where she can’t speak the language properly. That’s tough. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t give Portugal a real chance, especially once your DD is better but I would definitely be keeping moving back to the UK on the cards. Is your DH Portuguese?

No, British also. It’s a real shame as it’s a healthier, amazing lifestyle for a child, but now this has happened
She does speak very well now, but it’s an added pressure now she has been ill

OP posts:
thescandalwascontained · 08/01/2025 16:19

Palmtreesinthewinds · 08/01/2025 11:49

Her separation anxiety is high at the moment, I think she needs to trust that i’ll be there if there’s a problem

Yes, at the end of the day. Not whenever she says 'I want mummy' when she's in the middle of a school day.

AD1509 · 08/01/2025 16:20

That's a huge amount of time to miss due to illness- I am assuming it must have been extremely chronic/ life threatening? Was she able to receive any home schooling during that time? If not she will be significantly behind. Regardless of her anxiety your priority should be to ensure she doesn't end up at a stage where she can no longer catch up-as that is going to have knock on impacts throughout her education.

Hankunamatata · 08/01/2025 16:22

Could she move to the year below and do the pre school then start properly next September?

Heronwatcher · 08/01/2025 16:23

Palmtreesinthewinds · 08/01/2025 16:18

No, British also. It’s a real shame as it’s a healthier, amazing lifestyle for a child, but now this has happened
She does speak very well now, but it’s an added pressure now she has been ill

I think in that case I’d be making it clear that you’re going to give Portugal a real go but you don’t want to take going back to the UK off the table.

If you stayed with your family could you try her at a UK school? If she did like it would you/ your DH be able to get a job relatively easily back in the UK? Or could your DH work remotely and do say 1 week in 4 in Portugal?