Can’t get my child to school

[Palmtreesinthewinds]

What would you do? really need help/advice 🙏

We live in another country where they start formal schooling at age 6.
My dc was in pre school part time from age 4-6 (she turned 6 end of July)
In May she got ill and stayed off Pre school, she is only really recovering now (still not 100% but we’re hopefully getting there)
She tried Year 1 for two half days in September and couldn’t cope, we just tried back this week and she found the work too hard and was very anxious and wants to stay with me.
I just cannot get her to school, she gets very very upset about it and once in, cries a lot and they call me to come and pick her up.

I don’t know what to do at all.
Legally I have to have her in school, we’ve had the Drs reports and absence letters up until now, but their recommendation is to try to get her back to school.

What would you do?

Could you put her back in preschool for the rest of the year? That’s a trusted environment and when she (re)starts school she’ll know people also starting?

I‘d also get the Drs as involved as possible so they can test for any after-effects of the illness, refer to psychological services as available and above all, know that their recommendation of trying school has been followed and isn’t working. They may then be able to come up with other resources.

Or, could you accompany her for a while? There was a British newsreader whose mum used to sit in the corridor as he was scared to go to school without her. Can’t remember who…

Hi OP
I hugely feel for you, what a difficult situation. My instinct is probably the same as yours, that a harsher approach is not appropriate here. It’s a risk to take her out for a while, but it could give her a chance to improve and start again from a much better place. Some people upthread have made great suggestions about ways build support at the school or to adapt gradually, if those are not possible or not working, I have to say I would take her out if you are able to cope with the home schooling. The only thing is that she needs a lot of exposure and immersion in the language to improve her skills. I guess moving back here is not an option, if indeed you’re from here?

I had a child who was unable to attend school for a long time due to emotional overwhelm and anxiety. I had really bad advice from people who did not have skills and experience in dealing with this (including the school) and deeply regret taking it both for the damage that it did to my son and to our relationship at that time. There is better advice if you look up Not Fine in School online. All the best.

I think holding her back a year (back to preschool), and have her start in the new school year. I can't imagine the school would say no as developmentally she's lost half a year, is already the youngest so this would give her a chance to catch up without the pressure. Could you homeschool informally part of the week to get her upto speed, and pre school the rest for socialisation? It means she will be well prepared the year she starts and at least won't find the curriculum overhwhelming. She's still have to work on separation anxiety but you give yourself some months to get there before the new school year starts.

This is so unnecessarily rude and screams that you have no experience with this issue. If you have nothing of substance to offer, you don't have to offer anything

I had a similar issue with my son. He turned corner and I gave up pressuring him as it made his anxiety worse.

Reducing technology, addressing sleep issues and making sure he had a good routine and felt secure and loved helped. Though I’m not really sure to be honest what one thing it was.

I think he was feeling a lot of anxiety. The hard approach doesn’t work.

I also think you should consider half days. An entire dau is a long day for a child. Also rule out bullying and the teacher.

Does she/you understand what she is scared of? Has she any friends in the class?
I would be telling her not to worry if she doesn't understand, she will do over time and then she will be twice as clever as she will be fluent in two languages and to focus on making friends and enjoying becoming who she wants to be, she is only 6 so not a rocket scientist yet, but I would be looking at her staying in school by building it up and being firm that if you say it is an hours time then you will only pick her up in an hour...having said that does she understand the concept of time?
I would also if possible be getting a plan from the teacher as to what they are going to cover and maybe in the mornings before school trying some of the native words that they will be using so that she can recognise them and then feel positive about that..almost like bingo...so that when she comes back you can ask...so were there any that you recognised...well done! kind of thing..so to distract from not understanding everything

OP, can I ask whether your DD spends ANY time away from you, ie, at weekends? Does she stay with other family members if you're not there, or does she get upset at that too? If she will stay with others out of school time, without getting upset, then I think that would indicate that a firmer approach to her staying in school would be OK, but if she's not able to cope with being away from you at all, then that's where you need to start.

A poster above literally says it worked for her child.

You don't know what experience I have either.

If anything, it's you that's rude! What are you "offering of sustance" that entitles you to shout me down?!

Is there anything at school that she would reasonably not be able to cope with (too loud, children being unpleasant to her, teachers picking on her)?

Or is it just fear of the unfamiliar?

Because if the latter - if she is removed from all situations that are unfamiliar when she cries, she won't ever learn that a) she can cope with new situations and b) feeling anxious in a new situation is a feeling that will go away.

The solution to anxiety about a non-harmful situation is not to leave that situation, but to stay and realise you are not harmed.

I think speaking to the school and seeing if she can go back a year is the best option, I'd do that asap.

No what I meant was she isn’t going to be massively older if she’s held back a year. If she was October born and one of the oldest, there are social implications of pulling out of school and starting over. There will be minimal effects of a July-born child repeating a year - only benefits when she is only 80% proficient in the language and has missed weeks/months of classes.

She’s playing up because she knows if she cries she doesn’t have to go. It wouldn’t be an option on our house.

A woman I know pandered to hers and it’s still screaming before school aged 13. The mum is at breaking point and on the verge of losing her job over it all.

You mention that there are psychological aspects to her illness, I'm guessing that she's seen a psychologist or similar as part of her medical treatment, shouldn't you ask them for advice on how to deal with this?

They should be able to help you put strategies in place to help your Dd, I really do think they're the best people to talk to about this. She's only started back this week, so it's still very early days. Let her medical team know what's happening right away. Hope you find a solution very soon.

I disagree with the posters saying just send her, that’s not supportimh her well being or mental health and will do damage in the long run. But you can’t carry on as you are and need to make a plan. Which would be either to home school and put your all into finding home Ed groups etc locally or make a plan with the school to support her to extend the time she spends there with a plan for you to pop in mid morning or something. But some plan - not just continue as you are

Sounds really difficult - I think you neeed to persist but not expect full days just yet.

I would talk to school about a phased return. Even if it’s 1 hour per day to start with. And build this up.

If you can afford it I would also book a private tutor to focus on literacy and numeracy with her at home.

I wouldn’t home school - I think the most sensible approach is to gently expose her to the thing she is most scared of which is being apart from you.

In a way that she feels more in control of. Full days probably feel really scary. An hour while you do a food shop or grab a coffee might still feel scary but there is an end in sight for her that might feel more manageable. The hope would be that over time she realises that she’s ok with you and you build it up.

I would suggest that this child should be assessed for ASD, it sounds like they are really struggling.

Yes it is - are you thinking that avoiding things that make you anxious is good for your mental health?

Because it definitively isn't good for mental health. It's bad for it.

Does she do any clubs so is used to being away from you

While I do think OP's situation is more nuanced because of her daughter's serious illness, I wholly agree that advocating avoidance is far worse for a child's mental health. I know from experience with my own DD. It's very easy for them to become frightened of trying anything out of their comfort zone once they learn that their anxiety can get them out of doing things. My DD still struggles at times now but she knows that if she at least tries doing something new, she'll be glad of it afterwards.

I'm simply saying one size doesn't fit all.

Your approach is not the solution for all anxious children.

I accept fully that it works for some but it can cause immense damage to others.

You and other posters are refusing to believe that an alternative approach which allows the child to reset, and start again via small steps might be what this child needs. Or even possibly rethinking tge educational pathway that's right for this child.

In my personal and professional experience I have encountered many highly anxious children. And it can be difficult to determinine the right approach, which is why I advised OP needs to explore more fully the underlying issues.

But I can tell you that in my experience. the greatest harm comes when applying the 'tough love' approach to a child who needs a more individual, alternative approach. Not the other way round.

I can't believe some of the comments on here. The poor little love had a serious illness involving her brain, would you expect anyone to be fighting fit and their old self after that? It sounds like her confidence in her own body and health has been massively knocked which I can completely understand. This is clearly not just a child who has school anxiety.

OP, you know your own child best but my instinct as a parent and teacher says that if you force her back in, she will withdraw and go backwards. Some children just need more time and if you can put her back in preschool to get her language, learning and health back in a sure footing, I'd do so. Lots of sympathy from me, this must be really hard for you both.

I would go for either putting her back a year into pre school. When she begins again in Sept she will get a similar age to some of them ...just amongst oldest group instead of youngest.
Or home schooling with a view to trying for school again in September. If you go for this option make sure it's fairly structured but not necessarily the same as school. Mornings. An hour or so of reading/ writing activities. Half hour break with drink and biscuit. Run around garden/ bit of exercise in the house if no garden. Then number work. Lunch. Then less structured afternoon. Art work/ cooking/ Walk in park/ forest pointing out things of interest. Can do a bit of flower/ leaf collecting some days. Mix the afternoons up..For socializing try swimming lessons/ gym group/brownies or equivalent of they have it. Basically any age appropriate group you hear about.
Failing these two options all you can do is persevere with mornings in school. 💐